The 3 Stages of a Mentally Abusive Relationship

Nobody ever walks consciously into an abusive relationship. Rather they 'sign up' for a relationship that, they believe, offers them most of what they want; and they are prepared to compromise on the things that they sense are not on offer. Or, maybe, they think that, in time, they will educate - or train - their partner to provide the other things that they want as well.

"Is that such a bad foundation for a relationship?" you might ask. "People do that all the time."

Of course they do. You are absolutely right. Most people settle for a partner who falls short of their ideal - or, to put it another way, people accept someone who does not altogether measure up to their dream. In some cases it works out well, and in the case of abused women it works out very badly indeed.

What makes for the difference?

Quite simply, it is the shortcomings that people are prepared to accept. Settling for someone whose appearance, dress sense, social status, and education fall short of your aspirations, may well be a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Settling for someone who has a string of past relationships that ended badly, a strong sense of grievance, is quick to express fury and contempt - albeit with other people - is akin to putting your hand in the fire; and then being terribly surprised when that hand gets 3rd degree burns.

The way a new partner behaves towards you in the early days of a relationship, when he is out to win your heart, is less indicative of what lies ahead than the way he behaves towards other people. Especially the 'other people' who 'don't matter'; like people in service industries.

"So, how does this relate to a mentally abusive relationship?"

Having worked with hundreds and hundreds of abused women, I am aware of the gulf between how they define the early, heady days of their relationship and the way things truly were. Women talk about how wonderful and caring their abusive partner was at the start, before he started changing from Mr Nice Guy into Mr Nasty in front of their very eyes.

There is no doubt that mentally abused women believe the story that they tell. Equally, there is no doubt that they view the start of their relationship through the rose-tinted spectacles of denial. In fact, their partner wooed them fast, swept them off their feet, by saying the things that they ached to hear... but - and it is a big but - he showed behaviours that were worrying.

There were times when he was inconsiderate, when he overreacted to situations and became quite angry or punitive towards them. His behaviour was, to put it bluntly, selfish: the relationship was about what he wanted, first and foremost.

In the first stage of the relationship, the woman's mental dialogue is all about making 'it' up to him for his past (and present) problems, and making allowances, and excuses, for behaviours that, she senses, are less than ideal. He may look good, and dress well, and there may well be "chemistry". So, his partner overlooks fundamental differences in their values, and attitudes regarding relationships.

In the second stage of the relationship, Mr Nasty has become very much a part of the relationship. He may be around rather more of the time than Mr Nice Guy. By now, this man has largely stopped making the effort to please his partner. Why should he? Most of the time he can get what he wants from her through intimidation, anger or punishment Why does that work? Why doesn't she just walk away - as she knows that she should? Because she thinks back to all the "potential" for being a great partner that he showed in the early days. She tells herself that, if she tries a little harder and shows him more love and support, sooner or later he is bound to turn back into Mr Nice Guy. When that happens, she will finally have the relationship she desires.

Besides, by now, she has invested so much of her heart and her identity in him that she can't bear to throw away what they had.

In the third stage of the relationship, Mr Nice Guy is little more than a distant memory; at least where his partner is concerned. He may turn on the charm when he is out in public, he may dust off his "nice" side for the benefit of any other woman in town, but in the privacy of his own home he is cold, unloving, fault-finding, punitive and contemptuous.

Of course, his treatment has taken its toll. By this stage, his partner has been so brainwashed by the constant mental and emotional abuse that she has lost her confidence, her self-worth, and her sense of her own identity. She is constantly fearful of provoking another outburst, and she blames herself for everything. Worse still, she has come to treat herself as badly as her partner treats her. She feels completely drained, desperate and hopeless. She simply cannot see a way out.

She cannot see a way out for two very important reasons. First, she doesn't understand what has happened to her, and that it is not her fault. Second, she doesn't know how to heal and get her life back on track. Because she has been so brainwashed, it is almost impossible for her to make the journey back to health on happiness without expert help.

Happily, the world is not as she has been conditioned to see it. With expert help, she will be able to let go of her abusive relationship and create a meaningful life for herself.

A mentally abusive relationship may feel like a living death. Fortunately, there is life after mental emotional abuse. Having survived a mentally abusive relationship, means that you have the strength to heal, and a tremendous capacity, as well as hunger, for the happiness you desire.

Dr Annie Kaszina Ph D, is an Emotional Abuse Recovery writer and Expert. Annie works, 1-2-1 and in groups, worldwide, with women who have struggled in an abusive relationship. She has helped many hundreds of women overcome their insecurities, clear the anxieties and get their life back on track once and for all, so that they can experience all the happiness, laughter, self-esteem and purpose that have been missing from their life. Annie is the author of: "The Woman You Want To Be", one of the top books on the market for healing the trauma of an abusive relationship.

You can get Annie's Free Report "The Seven Things You Need To Know" and sign up to Annie's free bi-monthly ezine by visiting http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com. You can email Annie at: annie@EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com.

The Relationship Dynamics

It is often said that the relationships one engages in reveal a lot about one's character but I beg to differ and to approach it the other way: the relationships one gets into help to shape one's character. Character comes from experiences, it is who we are and who we are develops from what we brush onto. There is a story of a woman who from childhood had dreams about becoming a very powerful, successful and intelligent wife, lover, mother and business woman all moulded in one. Such dreams propelled her to pursue her studies, relationships and search for information with such vigour. She was considered top of the range by her peers until she got into an abusive relationship. Being in an abusive relationship is toxic to say the least. One loses their identity as their confidence is shattered. Spending several years in an abusive relationship alters one's character in two ways:

(a) As long as one is trying to protect themselves from harm and further abuse, a sense of self is lost. A battle of the mind ensues where; means and ways are devised in order to charm the abuser in a bid to change the status quo. One could throw away their values and adopt mechanisms such as lying, cheating and faking in order to appease the abuser. It also becomes a way of numbing the pain and a solitary place for coping.

(b) If one receives support from society and is properly counselled, the situation in an abusive relationship could help develop resistance, a strong character that is unwavering, a fighting spirit driven by faith and hope in a better outcome. One woman who found herself in an abusive relationship for several years, started off on the deeper end where her character deteriorated as a response to abuse. She became bitter, hostile and of loose morals in a bid to numb the pain. Her relationships with the world at large were tainted by a desire to protect herself from further harm. As a result she could not properly distinguish good intent from bad intent. She picked and got involved with the wrong people as her judgement had been clouded by this incident of abuse in her life. She went about mistreating and hurting other people with the same intensity that she felt abused and therefore her character was badly damaged and her reputation was far from good.

However, as she received counselling and support from society and her friends and relatives, coupled with spiritual guidance and exposure, she began to transform. Gradually, she began to renew her mind, her thoughts, her attitudes and thus her character. Despite the prevalence of abuse and its persistence in her life, she became much stronger to the extent of fighting off the abuse in a psychological way. The abuser was caught off guard as this strong willed woman emerged and began to challenge the abuser, and to clean up her life and to develop a better and stronger character. She learnt to love and trust again against the odds of persistent abuse, to the extent that the abuser was overpowered by her new attitude, strong will and strong character. Within a short space of time, this woman was transformed in a way that began to rub off on other people.She started counselling and helping other people who found themselves in the same situation that she had been.

Mosline Farawu is an Internet Marketer who likes to share daily observations and commentaries made in the news and society. Her compilation of daily observations can be found on her blog at: http://www.observationseveryday.com

Relationship Abuse - Why, What, How? Abuse Help For Women From Broken Homes

The root problem, especially for women from broken homes, is that they long to be loved by a man--even if the relationship is less than healthy. Even if they have to tolerate abusive behavior just to be loved. Following is Chanelle's story.

My home was dysfunctional - unwed mother, no father. Mom did a fine job of raising us, but it was one-sided. So I grew up with this need in me to be loved by a man. A father. A lover. A husband -- either, or, didn't matter. Since there was no positive influence of a man in the house to serve as a role model, there was this huge disconnect.

I mean, how was I supposed to know what a compatible, loving relationship between a man and a woman was like? What qualities a man was supposed to express as a lover and best friend to his wife? Or how a responsible loving father would train his children and set goals for his family to grow and prosper in life? Or how a couple would solve problems in a way that worked when the ride became bumpy?"

So when I became fast and sassy, I listened to the crap the sharpest guys were dishing out. I mean, my role model was listening to the sexy lyrics of MTV and BET videos. RAP music and the like. Checking out who wore the latest fads and had the best line. Basically I was just stumbling around life, looking for love here and there, hoping for the best.

After more hits and misses than I want to own up to, I wound up with Kurt, who moved in. Initially he perpetrated himself as the perfect man for me, wining and dining me, showering me with attention. But it was all a control game. He was manipulating me. You see, the early attention was to convince me that he really loved me. Then when he felt I was won over, he started to wean away, making excuses for his absences. Out with the boys. Gotta meet someone down on the corner. Working late. Excuses beyond time.

Sometimes he'd be gone for days-but of course he'd show up on "pay day", spend my money and dared me to ask where he'd been. And if I did show an attitude -- nighttime pleasures too sweet for words would flow again. He'd love me like no woman could resist and I'd be convinced that he loved me all over again, causing me to forget days of neglect, despite all his crap. Never mind he didn't give me any money, didn't help with the baby, didn't assist around the house - he loved me didn't he? I had a man didn't I? And he was my man.

Then there were the put-downs. He'd call me lazy, inconsiderate, fat, anything that would make me feel guilty for his negativity toward me, suggesting, given my faults, it was a privilege just to have him around. At the time, it didn't matter - I mean, you don't give up on your man. Consequently I found myself doing everything I knew how to please him. Yet many a tear-soaked pillow cradled me through lonely nights. Most times I was irritable, anxious, angry, yet I kept holding on for 13 long years loving him, hoping, praying that we'd stay together, maybe even get married."

Then...One day, the cramping knots in my stomach, the burning pain in my heart, the constant feelings of worthlessness throbbing in my head, told me enough was enough. By that time I'd learned computer skills and landed a job where a coworker recommended a counselor. The counselor taught me principles of self love and how relationships work best and I have never looked back.

Bottom line is when a woman learns to love herself first--she will recognize abuse and won't tolerate an abusive relationship ever again.

My name is Donna Patterson. At http://www.readyformarriagedating.com, I teach women the limits of Uncommitted love and sex to instead discover the six critical decisions necessary to establish Committed Love first, leading to genuine love and a husband as best friend in marriage based on a six-step transitions process. Also, Download 6 FREE Sure-Fire Dating Tips. Click here: http://www.readyformarriagedating.com

10 Signs of Emotionally Abusive Relationships

The signs of a physically abusive relationship are usually pretty easy to see. The actions that define an emotionally abusive relationship, however, are far less clear. How does a man or woman in an emotionally abusive relationship quantify actions that don't leave physical marks? How does someone in a relationship that leaves them uneasy and uncomfortable justify that feeling to themselves or to another? The sad truth is that many times, a man or woman in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive may not even understand that she is being abused. There are, however, signs of an emotionally abusive relationship. If three or more of these signs describe your relationship, you may want to learn more about emotional abuse and how it can affect you, your children and your life.

Note: Emotionally abusive relationships come in all shapes. While the word "partner" is used in these signs, it could just as easily be "parent", "child" or "friend". While women and girls are more often the victims of emotional abuse in partner relationships, boys and men are also often victims of emotional abuse. Gender pronouns are used simply as a convenience.

1. Do you find yourself "tiptoeing on eggshells" to avoid making your partner angry?

2. Does your partner frequently ridicule you in front of others and accuse you of having no sense of humor if you object?

3. Does your partner criticize everything you do? Has he ever told you that you're "lucky to have him" or made you feel that no one else could love you?

4. Has your circle of friends and acquaintances seemed to dry up since the two of you have been together? Do you have no friends outside the relationship?

5. Do you have to account for every moment you spend away from the house? Does he or she constantly accuse you of flirting with others when you weren't?

6. Does your partner blame you for his angry outbursts? Is it "always your fault" when something goes wrong?

7. Does your partner control all the finances? Does he control your access to money, work, friends or transportation?

8. Has your partner threatened to hurt herself if you leave, or if you don't do what she wants?

9. Has your partner ever threatened or implied that he would hurt you or your children? Has he threatened to "take your children away" or made comments like "you'll be sorry" or "you don't know what I'm capable of doing"?

10. Do you feel afraid, helpless or angry most of the time?

Though there are no physical bruises visible in emotionally abusive relationship, however the scares left from such abuse lingers for years in some cases. And the worse of all, it can sometimes lead to psychological and mental health issues.

P.S, Enhance your relationship and sex life: learn how to ask delicate but romantic questions that will ignite the spark and set the right mood in your relationship any time; here's the mood setting questions, romance/relationship eBook that you should read. Get your copy of the FREE eBook here

Emeka Ezidiegwu is an author of several romance and relationship publishing. If this article informed you, please feel free to visit us at: http://www.cupidmaster.com/emotionally-abusive-relationships.php for more related and interesting articles.

The Process of an Abusive Relationship and How to Get Out

Are you in an abusive relationship? Do you know someone in an abusive relationship?

There are more women out there than you can image that have been or are in an abusive relationship. Talking about abusive relationships is really hard; it's a tough topic for me to go over, as I have been in an abusive relationship. I feel if you at least know then you may be better prepared if something happens and you might be able to prevent abuse, for yourself or your friends. Or you will find a way out of the abuse.

So what is an abusive relationship?

It's any relationship (not necessarily intimate, can be friendship) where one person is being taken advantage of, forced to do things they don't want to do or being hurt. They may not even realize they are being hurt. The hurt can be emotional, physical or psychological.

What is the process of an abusive relationship?

There are many ways abuse can get started. But there seems to be a general pattern. In an intimate relationship (and this can go for friendship as well) two people meet and they seem perfect for each other. The relationship starts off really well, you like him, he likes you and he gets along oh so well with your friends. You may notice little "red flags" but you may ignore them. Once the abuser has your trust and has put you into a mind frame where you think you know him, things will slowly change. This change can happen weeks in or months in, it depends on how trusting you are and how manipulative he is.

These are some of the things that can happen, not necessarily in this order.

Knowing Your Every Move

He will start asking where you are, who your with, what you did, what time it was at, this will happen for everything. It could be about work, school, going out with friends, a party, family outings, etc. He will want to know everything your doing, in fact he may even call you while your out to check up on you. He may even chose to follow you, odds are you won't know he followed you (if you do, drop him!).

Jealousy

He will start to get jealous of other guys who might be paying attention to you. Or he will be jealous of you looking at a guy or a guy looking at you. This is uncalled for, if you trust each other then he has no reason to be jealous. This can start to extend to your friendships and family. He may be jealous of the time you spend with them or how close you are with them. He might even be jealous of the time you spend doing your homework!

Going Where You Go

He may start to go to everything you go to, even coffee with a close gal pal. He's doing this so he can monitor the situation and conversation. This way you can't say anything about him in front of your friends.

Charming To Your Friends

He might be the perfect guy in front of your friends. He'll do this because he doesn't want anyone to know and then you will also be discredited. Your friends or acquaintances may not believe you "But he seems like such a nice guy, he'd never do that". Or they won't realize there is anything wrong.

Isolation

Over time he may try to isolate you from your friends and family. It could be simple things of "oh don't go to that party just stay here with me". He might get jealous or upset if you go out and convince you to stay with him.

Insults

At some point he will start insulting you. This is to make you lose your self-esteem and self-worth. It might be things like:

- You're wrong.

- You're stupid.

- You're ugly.

- You're fat.

- You can't do anything right.

- You're lucky you have me because you can't get anyone else.

OK, that list could go on and on and on, but I think you get the idea and if you've ever been told any of that you know it's hurtful.

Eventually you will be manipulated into thinking you are worthless, that you are always wrong and everything is your fault.

This is the real beginning of your problems at this point, because it's hard to turn back and get out of the relationship. And no things don't ever get better.

So why can't I get out of the relationship?

Most women feel worthless and feel like they are nobody without this person. Therefore, being scared of what's out there they stay in the bad relationship. When you feel like you're nothing, you are less likely to get help or get out of the relationship, you may feel you do not deserve happiness. The thing is, he's manipulated you into feeling that way. You are a worthwhile human being, you mean something wonderful to someone, and you deserve happiness.

What happens next?

This is when the really bad things start to happen, although if you read the above that's bad enough.

It all depends on what kind of guy he is. He could be:

- Mentally Abusive

- Emotionally Abusive

- Physically Abusive

Any abuse he showed you prior will escalate, he may be the type who drinks and gets really angry and that's when his abusive side will show. Or he might be abusive all the time.

Just keep in mind this won't get better, it doesn't just go away and he will not wake up one day and stop doing this.

He may start insulting you more, hitting you or manipulating you into a bad way of thinking. And of course it can always get worse. You need to get out of the relationship now, you're life is literally at risk.

How do I avoid an abusive relationship?

Well the first thing you can do to avoid an abusive relationship is read the process of an abusive relationship as mentioned above. If you start to see any of that behavior or "red flags", run don't walk, you need to get out of the relationship.

Sometimes it may seem like nothing but if it bugs you or you have a gut feeling, then you need to carefully think about it. There are plenty of men out there, he is not the only one, so don't stay with him because your afraid you won't find someone else.

I had a boyfriend say to me that if I ever cheated on him he would cut my hair off, because it mattered so much to me. That really bugged me, but I shrugged it off, I never forgot about it and stayed with him anyways, it was a mistake. We aren't together any more, that's just another example of red flags and why you should listen to them.

Avoiding an abusive relationship can be tough if you get slowly manipulated. But remember you are an incredible person and you don't deserve to be treated badly, so if it starts even in small ways, move on you can do better. By not getting thoroughly stuck in the relationship you can avoid getting hurt. In the long run the pain you feel from ending the relationship will be far less then the pain he will cause you later, and it will take far longer to pick up the pieces.

I'm in an abusive relationship, what do I do?

Every situation will be different and your plan of action will depend on his actions and your support system. I'll give you a general guide line, but it is up to you to save yourself. No one is going to save you, they can't, it's up to you to take control of your life.

Step 1

Identify that you are in an abusive relationship. Done that? Good now lets get to the action plan.

If you know you're in an abusive relationship and you feel like there's no point in getting out of it, write yourself a pros and cons list for staying. Whatever you put for pros, if you really think about it, they probably aren't that good. Fear of not finding someone is not a good reason to stay in a relationship.

If you are afraid that you can't support yourself, well guess again, anything is possible. You may have to take on a part time job, but isn't that better then feeling worthless because of the person you are with? Find a roommate, that will help pay the bills. You may be eligible for support programs or low income housing. Call around and see what you can find, if you don't reach out, help will not come find you.

Step 2

Identify his patterns. You want to be able to figure out the best way of leaving that will be the least confrontational. If you don't live with him this will be much easier. If you do live with him you need to give this some serious consideration. Those women who pack their things up while he's at work and just move out, before he gets home, they have the right idea. Now you need to make that work for you.

You don't want to pack in front of him, he will try to stop you. Do not give him warning as he will try to stop you. You may have to leave certain things behind, that is just a sacrifice you are going to have to make.

I'm not saying move out at this stage, I'm saying plan for it. You need an escape route and it may take some planning.

Step 3

Find a support group. No I'm not necessarily talking about a group you go to. A support group can be a group of people in the same situation who go to meetings. But more so your support group needs to come from your friends and family.

This is going to be a hard transition you need to have all the love and support you can get. Some of your friends may not be able to help you much. But if they know how to pack and own a vehicle, bingo take it. Make sure your friends and family(who won't possibly tell him) are on board with you and can help you through this. Don't broadcast the plan to a lot of people, you don't want him to find out.

Step 4

Secure a place to stay, it might be at a relatives, a friends. Technically if you can pick a place he won't find you at, then you'll be much better off. Otherwise if you stay somewhere he knows he can stalk you. You might need to bunk down with a couple of friends for a while until you find something more permanent, but if they are your friends they will help you.

Step 5

OK, this is the one you may not like. Go to the police. You do not have to press charges. You need to tell them what has been happening and what you plan to do. Why? This will leave a paper trail. Should you leave and he finds you and gets really mad and hurts you in some way, then the police will already have a prior complaint on record and know this didn't just come out of the blue.

A paper trail makes it easier to prosecute if need be. You don't need to do anything besides report it, you can ask the officer not to take action, just explain you want a paper trail. I've done this before and they are very helpful. If you are afraid he may start stalking you, tell them this, write it down in a statement. Then they know what you are afraid of happening. They may not be able to do anything but at least they have it on record until something else happens.

Step 6

Are you ready? Now it's time to put your plan into action and get the heck out of there. Protect yourself in whatever way you can. Remember if a person is abusive they already have a few screws loose, they may go to different extremes when they discover your gone. But the fear of something happening won't make your situation better, you can't stay out of fear. Take back your life right now!

My friend is in an abusive relationship, what can I do for her?

If you have come to realize that your friend is in an abusive relationship good for you. She will need all the support you can give her.

Sadly a lot of people have a hard time asking for help. And a lot of people have an even harder time being told they need help. You're friend may be in denial about the situation and won't want to hear what you think is happening. This won't make it easy. If you tell her how you feel she may cut communication off completely with you. Her reaction shouldn't be taken personally, she has been manipulated.

You know your friend best, so you know how to best handle the situation. If she doesn't like confrontation and would shut down if you approached her about the abuse, then don't bring it up.

Try to encourage her to talk and think out loud. Let her sort out her unconscious thoughts and put the pieces together by herself.

The very best you can do is be there for her. If you read the above steps of getting out of an abusive relationship you will know how to better help her and what you can do for her.

It's going to be a very tough situation, for you and her.

The Abusive Relationship Rules

1.You can not change the guy, not matter how hard you try.

2.No, things will not get better in the relationship.

3.If you see a red flag, run like hell!

4.Insulting you is not ok.

5.Hitting you is not ok.

6.You're needs are more important than his.

7.You will not be self sacrificial because you think that leaving him will hurt him.

8.If he threatens suicide or commits suicide, it is NOT YOUR FAULT! You could not have prevented it, these are his actions, not yours.

Self Doubt

It's easy to start doubting ourselves and feel like the situation is hopeless. So I'll tell you a short version of my story to help lift you up a bit.

I went through an abusive relationship for 2 years, emotionally and physically, I eventually got help and managed to get out of it. I later entered into what I thought was a good relationship, as it turned out it really wasn't, it lasted 4.5 years. Now I am in the most incredible relationship with the most wonderful guy. You just have to kiss a lot of toads before your prince charming comes along.

Moral of the story? Don't give up and don't settle for anyone. You owe it to yourself to find the right guy who will treat you right!

If you need a mantra to say to yourself to get through the hard moments, try one of these:

-I am loved, loving and love able.

-I deserve happiness. I deserve good things.

Holly Edwards
The Woman's Survival Guide to Sexual Health

Learn more about relationships.

http://www.the-womans-survival-guide-to-sexual-health.com

In an Abusive Relationship - The Problem With Promises After Physical, Emotional and Verbal Abuse

We've all heard it happens and if you've ever been in an abusive relationship you know those promises like the back of your hand.

They seem so sweet in the first handful of rounds living in an abusive relationship. And all that happens in the relationship immediately after feels just the same...real sweet. HONEYmoon sweet.

You know there is a "but" coming here. I know you can feel it.

...But, when one yields to the promises, here's what happens.

A) For the Abuser

Abuser conditioning - Taking the person back after an assault (whether physical, emotional or verbal abuse), essentially sends a message that the abuser can "get away" with that level of abuse. This is part of how the stage is built for permission for the next altercation to magnify, to be more severe than the one before. Well, if I can get away with that one, then...

B) For the Abused

Breeds false hope for victim/survivor. Why? Because the promise in and of itself is not what changes battering behavior. The promise fails to take into account the etiology of the assault (again, whether verbal abuse, emotional abuse or an outright physical assault). More often it only, yet dearly says: I won't do that anymore. Things will be different.

C) For the Couple Entangled in an Abusive Relationship

It rekindles the status quo, while diverting attention from the real issues. So, in addition to complicating both parties individual understanding of the altercation, it keeps the couple "elephant under the carpet"...exquisitely covered so no one can see. Not those looking from the inside out, much less those looking from the outside in.

If you find yourself face-to-face with one of these promises, be mindful of all of the implications that go hand and hand with it. The more you know earlier on, the less likely you will be a consequence (a victim) of an abusive relationship spiraling out of control.

For a deeper understanding of what keeps emotional verbal abuse going and what stops it, visit http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. is founding director of nonprofit Partners in Prevention, dedicated to helping domestic abuse survivors and their advocates.

?2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention

How To Improve & Define Your Relationships

Everyone has relationships with anyone they interact with, even briefly. It might be the clerk at the grocery store or the gas station attendant, or it might be your significant other. Have you ever given any significant thought to the type of relationships that you have with these people, or how to improve that relationship if it is not up to the level that you desire?

First of all, you need to determine how you appear to those people. Try to put yourself in their position and look at yourself in the environment where they would typically see you and interact with you. What type of person would they describe you to be? Would they think you are sour on life and always negative? Would they think you are full of life and energy and always upbeat? The image that you portray to them will speak volumes about the type of relationship you have with them.

More importantly, how is your relationship with the people in your life who are most important to you? If you have a spouse or significant other, the same rules and logic apply - how do you appear to them? Do they see you as typically grumpy, tired, and sour on life in general, or do they see you as the full of life, positive, and energetic person that attracted them to you in the first place? Has that relationship changed over the years? If so (and it almost certainly has over time), what steps are you taking to regain that positive outlook and mentality that got your love relationship off to a good start in the first place? If your answer to that question is "nothing", you unfortunately are not alone according to current studies, but at the same time, be aware that the particular relationship that we are talking about is not going to get better. In fact, chances are excellent that the relationship will, in all likelihood, continue to deteriorate.

On the other hand, you may be in relationships where you do not want to be. Are you in an abusive relationship? Again, studies indicate that an abusive relationship is much more common than most people think, where some estimates indicate that an abusive relationship exists in an astounding 1 in 8 marital or spousal relationships. Note that the word "abusive" does not necessarily mean physical abuse. If physical abuse is part of your relationship, you are encouraged to report it to your local police since that is not tolerated. But it is up to YOU to report it.

But the vast majority of abusive relationships do not include physical abuse. Rather, it is the emotional and mental abuse, which can be every bit as bad. Maybe that person takes every opportunity to cut you down or belittle you, whether in your home or out in public. Maybe that person has developed some habits that they have taken up for the primary reason that they know for a fact that it bothers you. Or maybe things have gotten to the point where the two of you cannot even calmly discuss something like the weather without the discussion digressing into a shouting match about some totally unrelated topic.

In a marital relationship, both parties share the responsibility equally for the welfare and continued health of that relationship. It cannot be done by only one partner, regardless of how badly that one partner may want a healthy relationship - it is a two way street. The pitfall that many couples fall into is that the responsibility for the health of the relationship is left primarily to one partner, and although that may work in the very short term, such an arrangement is doomed to inevitable failure.

Be aware that ANY relationship you have is a two way street. You and the other person share the responsibility of the health of that relationship, as well as any compromises that either of both of you need to make for the longevity of your relationship. At the end of the day, it all comes down to how important that relationship is to BOTH of you, not either one of you individually.

Jon is a computer engineer who maintains web sites on a variety of topics based on his knowledge and experience. You can read more about Relationships Advice at his web site at Relationship Types.

Verbally Abusive Relationships - Is A Relationship Abusive Even If They Don't Hit?

"I can't be in an abusive relationship - they've never raised a hand to me."

Does this sound familiar to you? Maybe this statement or something similar has been said to you by a friend, or a relative - or maybe even yourself. It's easy to try to justify a destructive relationship as "not actually abusive" simply because the person has never resorted to physical violence, but does that really exclude it from the category of "abusive" relationships?

The answer is "No."

Relationships can fall into a number of categories without ever involving physical violence - for instance, verbally abusive relationships.

Verbally abusive relationships occur when one of the partners is constantly berating and belittling the other partner. This can involve insults, name calling, yelling, or sarcasm. In many instances, the relationships are mutually verbally abusive, meaning, both partners are verbally abusive to one another.

Even if a relationship is "merely" verbally abusive (as opposed to physically), it can take a tremendous toll on a person's spirit and be incredibly destructive to be a part of. Day after day of listening to derogatory comments about yourself, expressed in the most hostile and vitriolic tones possible, eats away at a person's self image. Then when that turns to year upon year of listening to a constant barrage of verbal abuse, there can be damage done to a person's self-concept that could be irreversible.

If you have a loved one (including yourself) who is involved in a damaging, destructive relationship with someone who constantly degrades them or yells at them, encourage them to seek help before it escalates. They may believe that it will never escalate to physical violence, and the truth is that it might or might not.

The point is, that it doesn't matter if it escalates or not. The damage is being done right now, one hateful word at a time.

To find out more about abusive relationships, specifically verbally abusive relationships, check out http://squidoo.com/abusiverelationships

11 Signs of Verbally Abusive Relationship

Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can scar you forever. While some forms of verbal abuse are easy to recognize, others are more subtle. It isn't always easy to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship, but knowing the different masks that verbal abuse wears can help.

1. Withholding is one of the most subtle forms of emotional and verbal abuse. A withholder avoids discussing his thoughts, feelings, opinions and other parts of his life with a partner. The partner may feel lonely and rebuffed without understanding why.

2. Trivializing is a way for abusers to gain superiority. By trivializing their partners' accomplishment, abusers belittle their partners in a way that leaves the partner feeling that somehow it was her own failure of communication rather than a deliberate act.

3. Discounting a partner's reality is another way that abusers belittle partners. An example of discounting is the partner who responds to "I'm cold" with "No, you're not. It's 70 degrees in here."

4. "Jokes" that belittle or make fun of a partner are another subtle form of aggression. This includes "funny" insults, telling embarrassing stories or any other way of making a partner the butt of a joke. If anyone protests, the abuser passes it off as "just a joke. Where's your sense of humor?"

5. Criticizing and nitpicking is designed to make the partner feel as if he or she can't ever do anything right. Even "compliments" are backhanded, as in "Well, at least you didn't use too much salt this time."

6. Accusations are potent ammunition for verbal abusers. When the abuser puts his partner on the defensive by making accusations, he holds the upper hand in the conversation and relationship.

7. Diversion allows the abuser to shift the subject away from any conversation and turn it into an argument. When an abuser responds to "Are there any cookies left?" with "Are you saying I eat too much?" she is diverting the conversation.

8. Name calling is one of the most overt symptoms of a verbally abusive relationship. Affectionate pet names are one thing, but hurtful names like "Tugboat Annie" or "Hey, dummy" are always verbally abusive.

9. Undermining is a way of detracting a partner from a goal or activity. A verbally abusive partner may respond to their partner talking about a new diet with "Why bother starting when you know you'll just cheat anyway?"

10. Ordering a partner to do things is often a sign of an abusive relationship. In equal relationships, a partner says, "Would you get me a glass of water?" rather than "Bring me a glass of water."

11. Threatening is another verbally abusive behavior that is designed to control a partner. The threats may be explicit, as in "If you don't do this, I'll leave you" or implied, as in "There are a lot of other women out there, you know."

Verbal abuse comes in many different forms, times and places, but the worse part of abuse is when people are abused by those who claim to love them. Don't encourage abusive behavior in your relationship, because if do, you could become a victim of something more serious than abuse.

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Emeka Ezidiegwu is an author of several romance and relationship publishing. If this article informed you, please feel free to visit us at: http://www.cupidmaster.com for more related and interesting articles.

7 Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Let's be very clear about this: most people who are victims of domestic violence think that domestic violence happens to other people, not to them.

There are many reasons why people, more commonly women, stay in a toxic relationship way too long. Mostly, they stay as long as they do because they aren't even aware that what they are experiencing is domestic violence. They tell themselves it isn't domestic violence because of any, or all, of the following:

a) They are middle or high income - and they know that domestic violence is something that only affects the people at the very bottom of the social heap.

b) Their partner doesn't hit them.

c) Their partner only hits them when he has been drinking.

d) He is a well regarded member of the community, or church.

e) That was what they witnessed in the home, when they were growing up.

f) Their partner repeatedly tells them that something they did, triggered his behaviour.

g) He may apologise, seem sincerely sorry, and vow that it won't happen again - although it always does.

h) Their partner tells them that they are 'too sensitive' and are exaggerating the importance of their fights.

These are only some of the reasons why victims of an abusive relationship tend to doubt their own feelings.

In reality, domestic violence affects people of all races, religions, and social and economic groups.

Nor does the violence have to be physical to qualify as domestic violence. Any relationship in which one partner is consistently hurt - emotionally and/or physically - by the other is a relationship of domestic violence. A relationship in which humiliation, criticism, superiority, contempt and fear are consistently visited on a partner is a relationship of domestic violence.

Never underestimate the power of words to inflict damage. I have heard many, many mentally, emotionally abused women say: "Ah, but it can't be domestic violence, because he doesn't hit me". What they don't realize is that their fear of receiving a tongue lashing from their partner is every bit as effective a weapon of control as is the threat of physical violence. Their partner may choose not to hit, for his own reasons, but he has no qualms about using words to intimidate and brutalize.

Brutal words cause as much enduring damage to the mind as physical violence ever causes to the body.

But, you may still be wondering if this information applies to you. If you are like most abused women, you will be saying: "Yes, but, my partner is really not that bad. He loves me really..." Maybe he does still tell you that he loves you from time to time, to keep you on side. An abusive partner will declare their love occasionally, especially when they feel that they may have pushed you too far.

The real clues to whether or not you are in an abusive relationship lie with you and your feelings. So let's take a quick look at some of the key indications that you are in an abusive relationship.

Walking on eggshells. Most of the time, you feel like you are walking on eggshells. You know that it doesn't take very much for your partner to become angry and pick a fight with you. You spend a lot of time and energy trying to keep him happy, yet he can find fault with you about absolutely anything. You can never guarantee getting through any situation whatsoever without him finding fault with you.


You constantly obsess about him. An abused woman tends to lose sight of herself: she spends her whole life worrying about her partner's mood, his behaviour, and whether or not he loves her. In their mind everything is about him, not about you.


You are generally unhappy. If you are in an abusive relationship, you will laugh rarely, because you have a very heavy heart. You view your life as a difficult, painful affair that you feel powerless to change, much as you try. Misery has become your default state.


You feel bad about yourself. You spend your time either blaming yourself, or wondering if everything that happens is your fault - and therefore you should blame yourself. Your partner has trained you in this pattern by blaming you for anything and everything that goes wrong in his life. You end up disliking yourself as heartily as he dislikes you.


You shoulder the responsibility for the entire relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship work. It takes two people to do the work in a relationship. A functional relationship is all about reciprocity, or mutuality, if you prefer. It is about two people caring for each other, supporting each other, actively, and sharing. One key indication of an abusive relationship is that one partner spends time desperately trying to make the relationship work, while the other spends the time taking it apart.


You are constantly minimizing, denying and excusing. You manage to find a number of "reasons" to explain and excuse his behaviour: stresses at work, a difficult childhood, bad past relationships... You also tell yourself that things are not really that bad. In fact, you have become so good at denial (that is, lying to yourself) that you can manage to overlook his contempt, his affairs, his meanness, his ill treatment of the children, his bad behaviour with other people. Even when you find yourself actually apologizing for him, you still tell yourself: "It's not that bad."


You give up on your own life. You give up on yourself, and your own right to happiness, fulfillment and even your own interests. You tell yourself that "it is all over for you", and that staying is the best thing for the children. You put yourself a very poor second to him in everything. You come to believe that you have nothing to look forward to, and that you would be lost without him. In reality, you have lost sight of yourself with him.
Does any of this sound like you? If it does, you are in an abusive relationship. You may still be hoping that if you just pour enough love into your abusive partner, then one day, he will finally return that love. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen. The reasons why your partner stays with you, and treats you the way he does, have little, or nothing, to do with love.

The good news is that it is not too late for you to get out, build a more rewarding life for yourself, and provide a better role model for your children - if you have children.

If you would like to walk away from the skewed, wretched world of abuse, hold this thought: a much, much better life awaits you. Only take action, take that first step, and you can grow your self-esteem, create a happy life for yourself, and find the fulfillment you deserve.

Are you in an emotionally abusive relationship? Annie Kaszina is a leading expert on Accelerated Healing From Emotional Abuse, who has created some of the top books and materials in the market. Her compassionate, supportive has helped many hundreds of women to find a way out of their abusive relationship. Can you imagine yourself moving beyond the pain and the hurt and starting to feel like the valuable person that you are again? Find out how to by starting with Annie's FREE REPORT on how to break out of your abused mind-set and heal the trauma, once and for all.

You can get Annie's Free Report "The Seven Things You Need To Know" and sign up to Annie's free bi-monthly ezine by visiting http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com. You can email Annie at: annie@EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com.

Facts About Abusive Relationships - Recognize the Warning Signs Before It's to Late

Abusive relationships are a very difficult situation for any person to find themselves in. The facts about abusive relationships are not as well known to people as they should be. Abusive relationships can be verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and/or physically abusive. Victims of abuse are typically women, but men are increasingly reporting abuse. All forms of abuse occur in all ethnic or socio-economic groups.

Warning Signs

Some of the warning signs of a person who can become abusive are people who feel wronged by world, feel that everything is everyone else's fault, have a history of physical aggression, who have significant issues of anger management, have a history of drug or alcohol abuse, or feel special entitlement to preferential treatment from others.

Escalation of Abuse

Typically, the abuser begins by controlling the victim's time, relationships, and money. The abuser will complain about the time and attention that the victim's children, extended family, friends, or job receives. The abuser will complain, pout, and find ways to emotionally punish the victim. Some examples of these punishments can be hiding the victim's car keys to prevent the victim from going out with friends, or backing out at the last minute on agreeing to watch the children so that the victim cannot work. Abusers will also start to control money in the relationship and demand receipts for all purchases. The abuser will also put down the physical appearance of the victim, and tell the victim that he or she is fat or ugly. The abuser will often belittle the abilities of the victim, tell him or her that they do not measure up, or are incapable of doing everyday tasks, such as cooking or shopping.

Other abusers will become convinced that their partner is cheating on them and will insist that the victim account for every moment of time. The abuser may spy on the victim, follow the victim, or check the victim's cell phone bills. Physical abuse often begins with these emotional tactics, and then the abuser will perform small acts of physical domination, such as shoving or pushing. Oftentimes, before the victim is really aware of it, these acts escalate into major physical abuse.

Breaking Away

One of the most important facts about abusive relationships is how hard is is to leave one. The abuser will often go through cycles of abuse that are followed by remorse and apology so that the victim starts to feel that the abuser really will change. The victim beings to trust the abuser, and then something happens to trigger the abuse again. The victim also tends to blame himself or herself for making the abuser angry. Abusers also tend to be so emotionally manipulative that he or she is very good at convincing the victim that the abuser has changed. It takes a good deal of support and intervention for the victim to leave permanently. Knowing the facts about abusive relationships can make it easier to avoid them, and to leave before it is too late.

Wendy Pan is an accomplished niche website developer and author.

To learn more about abusive relationships [http://abusiverelationshipstoday.info/facts-about-abusive-relationships-recognize-the-warning-signs-before-its-to-late], please visit Abusive Relationships Today [http://abusiverelationshipstoday.info] for current articles and discussions.

Emotionally Abusive Relationships - Possibly the Most Common and Least Understood Type of Abuse

When it comes to abuse in relationships, emotionally abusive relationships would rate very highly among those that are most prevalent.

This is a big issue, and one of the problems is, that often when this type of abuse is used, it is done in a supposedly humorous manner.

This makes it even more of a problem, as those on the receiving end are made out to be spoil sports when they object to the abuse.

This is particularly so in emotionally abusive relationships where sexual harassment occurs.

When women who are the victims of this type of behavior, take issue with men who treat them this way, they are accused of being odd, and not able to have some fun.

Abusers like this are notorious for their lack of taking any responsibility for their wrongdoing, as if they are entitled to do anything they want, and its the woman's problem, not theirs.

These type of emotionally abusive relationships occur in a range of places. For example, they can take place in social settings or workplaces and so on.

I became aware of one situation recently that occurred in my home town, a small place with less than 10,000 people.

A woman, who was the only female officer at the local Ambulance Station, was treated mercilessly over a considerable period of time, by the other male officers.

Any attempts to seek assistance fell on deaf ears. One incident involved her toilet being urinated on all over the place.

She eventually committed suicide by hanging herself on her daughters swing in her own backyard!

In emotionally abusive relationships between couples, there is a whole range of things that occur.

It is important to emphasize this abuse is overwhelmingly perpetrated by men. I say this because there is a common view abroad today, that women are just as likely to be abusive as men.

My view about that is, this is poppycock - it is nonsense. Sure there are some women who are abusive but there is no way there is any comparison.

Women throughout the world are subjected to all types of abuse. The problem is rampant and has barely been touched. Then we get this red herring thrown at us to take us off course.

In emotionally abusive relationships, women are riddled with unpleasant and undesirable comments and behavior that is so overpowering, it affects them to the depths of their inner being.

It has such a major impact on their confidence and self esteem, they become shadows of their former selves.

Women are so regularly criticized for being stupid and often fail to recognize they are being abused when this happens. It is also very much part of mentally abusive relationships.

I am continually amazed by the lack of understanding about the cause of emotionally abusive relationships and all other types of abusive relationships.

Invariably, excuses are made as a stand-in for an explanation. A dramatic change or transformation in the world is required to bring an end to this tragedy.

To achieve that we need an interpretation of the cause of the problem, that can bring about complete restructuring in the world, to the benefit of everyone.

There is a solution to emotionally abusive relationships, and all other types of abusive relationships.

Firstly, we need to recognize there is a structure in place in all parts of the planet, that bestows on males a superior status to females and children.

This leads to males taking on the role of the master, or the one in charge. It is maintained by males being encouraged to develop temperaments of dominance. It is demonstrated in the range of abuse used to dominate and hold power over the inferior underlings, and keep them in their place.

The solution to emotionally abusive relationships is to accept that males are not superior. We are all of equal status. The challenge to us males is to demonstrate this in our relationships. By doing this we can change the world for everyone's benefit, men, women and children.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, concerned citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead

Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police, parliamentarians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work. His website is http://www.relationship-tips-for-you.com

Teen Abusive Relationships - How to Understand and Solve This Huge Problem in Our Communities

Teen abusive relationships is another one of the areas of abusive relationships that is part of the huge issue of relationship problems.

There are so many overall aspects of this issue to take into consideration. To get some idea of what I am referring to it may be helpful to touch on some of the statistics that are available to us.

Many of them are not up to date, however they give us some indication of the scale of the problem. Also these figures are not comprehensive as the extent of the problem is not really known because of the under reporting that occurs.

This happens for various reasons, usually because of the fear and intimidation that is such an integral part of abusive relationships, including teen abusive relationships.

Other aspects of this lack of reporting is the embarrassment experienced and many victims have been conditioned to believe they are responsible for the abuse in some way.

Many abusers present as shining knights to others, even victim's own families, and those being abused think they will not be believed, because of how others experience the abuser.

Given the fact none of the figures known are really accurate, those we come across give some indication of the extent of the problem.

One set of statistics indicated that domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the United States - more than rapes, muggings, and automobile accidents combined. As indicated by the age range, this includes teen abusive relationships.

Another statistic indicated a woman is beaten every 9 seconds in the United States. Yet another showed a woman is in nine times more danger of violent attack in her home than on the streets.

Women and teenage girls are more likely to be victims of homicide when they decide to separate from husbands or boyfriends. There are 3 killed on average every week in the United States. The risk is highest in the first two months after separation.

Women and teenage girls are often severely injured - 22 to 35% of of those who visit medical emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing abuse.

Surveys show that abuse in dating relationships is prevalent. Some suggest the incidence is on the increase. About one in three females will experience violence at the hands of their boyfriends before they reach adulthood, so this also relates to teen abusive relationships.

Sometimes teenage girls do not recognize they are involved in abusive relationships, as they are unaware of, or misunderstand, some of the signs. Such things as being overly attentive and seemingly protective.

It is likely these things happen in the early stages of the relationship and can be interpreted initially as healthy jealousy or caring.

Before long it will be experienced as possessiveness, or acting like they own you, and wanting to control you in every way. Putting you down and undermining you in a whole range of ways, classic parts of teen abusive relationships as well as all other abusive relationships.

This will involve telling you what to do and not to do. It will include extremes of mood and temperament. There will be the apologies and promises of it never happening again.

You want to believe him as he seems so sincere and genuine, only you find before long he resorts to the same tactics, often with the addition of placing the responsibility onto you.

I met someone recently who was pushed over by her ex partner and she broke her arm. He told her it was her own fault. He accepted no responsibility.

Other aspects of abusive relationships, including teen abusive relationships, is being subjected to false accusations, suggesting you have been unfaithful and the like.

You can be prevented from doing things you want to do, including being isolated from friends and family. This is not an exhaustive list as there are many other things that could be mentioned.

The big question is - why do so many men carry on like this? Most explanations, such as being insecure, having low self esteem, problems with anger, or drugs and alcohol etc., are simply excuses in my view, and are not helpful at all.

The only way I can make sense of it is, that as males we are encouraged to think we are superior to women. Consequently, those who allow themselves to be influenced by this programming, tend to adopt the role of master and believe they have every right to hold power over and dominate those inferior lot, namely women and children.

This is the modeling that is rife in society and it is no surprise it is manifested in teen abusive relationships.

The only way relationships can work is for us to agree that men and women are equal, no one is superior or inferior to the other, and this is shown by the way we relate to each other.

It follows we acknowledge and respect each other, and have relationships many people have no idea is possible, and as a result, have richer, fuller and more satisfying lives.

Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily, specializing in abusive relationships. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police, politicians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work. He is the author of the eBook, "How To Have An Extraordinary Relationship." His website is: http://www.relationship-tips-for-you.com

Abusive Relationships - "Criticism and Feedback" in Relationships - Destruction Or Enrichment?

If I tell you that something you have done is disturbing or unacceptable to me, and you reply attacking me...then we are in trouble, and so is our relationship. Abusive relationships are fertile ground for this kind of interaction.

The perpetrator does not bring empathy to the interaction and cannot see what is presented from their partner's experience. Instead, all that is heard is a "criticism." With the perceived criticism on the table, discomfort sets in...precipitating a reflexive externalization of blame and, in some cases, an outright assault upon the "criticizer."

The reply may be one in which the perpetrator tells the victim that their perceptions are inaccurate. Or he/she may tell the abused that their feelings simply aren't valid or are due to some deficiency within them.

With this exchange, one can expect a spiraling of conflict that cascades into a fight or gets swept under the carpet for both parties to trip over in the days, weeks and years ahead.

Battering to Enrichment

Now if, on the other hand, the criticism were met with some degree of mere listening (with the intent to analyze and understand) then the door would open for self-reflection, accountability, ownership and responsibility. From here, the couple can negotiate agreements acceptable to both parties. And no one is hurt, as the relationship grows and becomes enriched.

Sounds reasonable, correct? The question you maybe asking yourself is how to I get from A to B? How can our relationship go from having the first kind of exchange that nets us interpersonal/relationship violence to the second exchange that inspires harmony and enrichment?

If you are asking this question, you may be ripe for a relationship makeover designed to end partner abuse and promote satisfying relationship interaction.

For more information about emotional and verbal abuse, I invite you to check out Emotional Verbal Abuse: How to Recognize, Cope and Heal. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people identify, stop and heal from domestic abuse. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/emotional_vderbal_abuse.php

Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention.

Healing From Domestic Abuse - The Creation and Implication of Fuzzy Versus Firm Boundaries

People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. If you request and insist on your boundaries being honored, they will be. On the other hand, if you allow others to determine whether to respect your limits or not, then expect your boundaries to be treated as they wish to do so.

This is an important lesson for anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship, either with a parent or with an intimate partner. It's a lesson that requires clear and focused integration and application, yet this lesson is all too often ignored.

Read on to learn about the conditioning of fuzzy boundaries in abusive relationships...

The Fuzzy Boundaries of Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships have implied rules with respect to boundaries. These rules create and maintain fuzzy boundaries that support the power and control tactics of the abusive relationship.

For example, checking out cell phone messages, numbers called, emails sent and received, as well as the contents on one's hard drive and in one's purse or wallet is common practice in abusive relationships.

The abusive party will snoop to confirm a hunch or as a fishing expedition. Then, once something is found, they will hold it in the mind's eye as a club to clobber their partner with in real life.

More often than not, the abused loses herself/himself in the dance over what was found. Rarely is issue taken with the violation of their personal space-their personal boundaries.

Mutual Conditioning in Abusive Relationships

Both parties' fixation on the "evidential findings" remains well beyond the trespassing of boundaries. Yet, at a core level, the victim continues to feel violated as a result of the intrusion.

Since nothing is said about this violation, the relationship message supporting fuzzy boundaries remains intact-and is actually strengthened. The abuser is conditioned to trample his/her partner's boundaries and the abused conditions herself/himself to expect the same.

The abuser actually believes he/she is entitled to penetrate her/his personal space and possess her/his outer and inner world. And the abused goes along with this intrusion so as not to rock the boat. For she/he knows should that happen, the bigger "one" is just around the corner.

In some respects you might conclude that the victim is motivated by their fear of what their partner might do. While this is appropriate to abusive relationships, when carried over into other relationships, it can create interpersonal havoc.

Boundary Lessons for Domestic Violence Survivors

If you continue to assume responsibility for other people's aggressions and affections, then you are setting yourself up for a perfect fit with another abuser. If, on the other hand, you recognize that you are not responsible for another person's feelings and behavior, you open a new door. You free yourself up to hone in on taking responsibility for your own feelings and behavior.

And with this, you can learn to effectively voice your limits and teach others to honor and respect your boundaries. Once done, you will find yourself experiencing your own integrity within your personal relationships.

For more information on healing from abusive relationships, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/healing_from_within.php and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Signs of an Abusive Relationship - 6 Points of Inquiry to See If You're in an Abusive Relationship

It's no secret that we see what we project. And when it comes to intimate partner abuse, doing so can have repercussions for all of us.

Prior abuse in one's life can set the stage for misinterpretations of our adult partner's actions, intentions, feelings and relationship to us.

Now this doesn't mean that when one comes from some type of childhood abuse that perceived intimate partner abuse, or even "controlling" behavior, isn't real. As we also know there is a greater likelihood of prior childhood abuse (whether emotional, verbal, physical or sexual) for individuals in adult abusive relationships.



Properly Identifying "Intimate Partner Violence"

What it does mean is that when abuse is felt, one ought to ask themselves:

1) What do I see in my relationship?

2) What do I feel in my relationship?

3) How has this relationship impacted my thoughts, feelings, and behavior relative to myself?

4) How has this relationship impacted my thoughts, feelings, and behavior relative to my partner?

5) How do other people see my partner in general?

6) And, how do they see my partner in relation to me?

The wealth of information that comes forth in such an inquiry can help one parse out "intimate partner violence" from the backdrop of their individual personal history.

It will also help the victim recognize the constellation of symptoms that define intimate partner violence. And this will arm them with insight on how to recognize the "red flags" of intimate partner abuse. With this knowledge, one can stop guessing and instantly begin to properly manage and treat their current circumstances.

Impact of Improperly Assuming "Intimate Partner Violence"

As far as the repercussions of inaccurately defining abuse...brace yourself for the enormous impact on all of us: oneself, one's partner, and the public in general.

For oneself: Improperly defining a condition prevents one from seeing what they are actually dealing with and consequently prevents remedy.

For one's partner: Improperly accusing one of being an abuser falsely labels another person socially and/or psychologically.

For society at large: Making accusations of domestic abuse or allegations of abuse, especially in the break-up phase of a relationship, casts doubt in the public when domestic abuse victims do bring forth the courage to reach out. And when there is doubt, legitimate help may not be forth coming.

Domestic abuse is not a subject to take lightly, nor is it a condition to self-diagnose. Rather it is a real relationship problem that requires objective and accurate identification.

If you suspect that you're dealing with the signs of an abusive relationship, but are not quite sure if your experience fulfills the criteria for intimate partner abuse, you may want to check out the Intimate Partner Abuse Screen. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps men and women, worldwide, properly identify intimate partner violence. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

What to Do in an Abusive Relationship

Many women all over the world unfortunately are victim to an abusive relationship. This type of torture isn't just exclusive to physical torture but mental as well. Most women never realise that they are part of an abusive relationship before it's too late. Life shouldn't be about being dictated and being told what to do in the fear of being abused by there partner whether man or woman. Relationship abuse in reality was never acceptable and shall never be, it's cruel and can leave the woman in question with lasting bad memories and self worth issues. Life is about being happy and doing the most with your time on this beautiful earth, follow my tips below on what you should if you are currently being abused by your man.

Your Number 1, not him.

Every woman on the planet deserves to be loved and cared for properly. Many victims of an abusive relationship claim they are partly at fault for angering there partner or instigating the others temper. This is not true at all, and this way of thinking should be eliminated forever. You need to stop playing victim and take control of your life. If you let a man dictate when you can and can't be happy then sadly you will always be a victim of your own cause.

Stop making excuses, and accept your denial

There are many reasons you maybe going through denial even though you truly think you are not. Denial is a funny thing that everyone experiences on both sides of the sexes. If you know you are being abused deep down inside then do something about it. In this day and age there is no excuse to not do so, especially with all the support available. At the end of the day you have to make the decision, not others. Friends, family and support groups are there to support your decision not make it. Many a time has a women returned to there partner under the false illusion that there partner has changed. Big mistake. Yes people change, but they have to be willing to change. If there unwilling to seek help themselves for there temper or anger issues what makes you think he wont abuse you once more. Make a decision and stick to it. Your stronger than you think.

Never, Ever, Make the same mistake twice

This should be common sense. If you have taken action to do something about your abusive relationship then its a call to action to take action in life itself. Does that make sense? What I am trying to tell you is that many things in life can be created or destroyed in a matter of seconds, it's up to you that determines what happens around you. As I have said before, don't let life push you around, push life around to the way you want it. Period. Life is a learning process, if you don't like something then make sure it does not happen again, a plan of action is action in itself. Remember that.

Robert has been writing articles for nearly 2 years. Come visit his latest website for buying advice on purchasing throw pillow covers and body pillow covers

Unhealthy Relationships - How to Recognize If You Or Someone You Love is in One

The relationship seemed so nice at first. You were a happy couple. You were two friends for life. Then things slowly changed. Or you grew up in the relationship and it has always been this way. Either way you know that it is not quite a healthy relationship.

Are your other relationships disappearing?

If the only relationship you have is with just one person then something is not healthy. Perhaps your friend or partner tells you what is wrong with other people until slowly it becomes only the two of you. This results in you slowly being cut off from your friends, family and others. This way when there are problems you have no one to turn to for support.

Do you trust each other?

While a little jealousy may be harmless, constant jealousy is damaging. This results in one person attacking and accusing the other of things when they are not together. There is no trust because at some level the unhealthy emotionally abusive relationship is known, and one or both of you may fear that realization.

Are demands unrealistic?

By setting demands high they become unreachable. This allows for failure so the blame game can start. The insults, belittling and remarks of being stupid, incapable and other remarks fly. Slowly confidence and ego are destroyed allowing for greater control by the abuser.

Do you do anything to keep the peace?

If a conflict terrifies you, then your relationship is far from healthy. While many people dislike conflict, if it means hours of fighting the something is not right. A healthy relationship means sharing and compromise. This is a person who wants ultimate control.

Are you allowed to be an individual?

Just because you are in a relationship with someone it does not mean you should like all the same things. You may not like the same food, you may have separate hobbies. You should not have to pretend to like something or do something you do not want to keep the peace.

Are there threats, violence or force used?

Just because you have never been hit does not mean it is a healthy relationship. Abusing animals can escalate to you. Threats, acting like they are going to hit you, and forcing control over you are all signs that things will are not good. The forced control may be emotional, mental, physical, or sexual.

How do I get out of the unhealthy relationship?

Getting out of the relationship can be hard. This type of relationship is full of super highs and super lows which can become addictive and obsessive. It can also be terrifying getting away from that person. If your support structure was destroyed in the relationship you may not feel like you can turn to anyone. True family and friends will be there. Look for support groups. You deserve to be loved for who you are. You deserve a healthy relationship.

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Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights - A Complex Victorian Novel of Dysfunctional Relationships & Abuse

Emily Bronte published Wuthering Heights in 1847 and died in December of 1848 at the age of 30. Her singular novel was published under the pen name of Ellis Bell.

Female Victorian writers were expected to present highly moral themes in their work. The issues presented by women writers of that time were expected t be resolved in a manner that offered readers a moral lesson and positive outcome. Good behavior was rewarded and the bad guys would be punished. Socially inappropriate behavior was depicted in a judgmental fashion and the protagonists of Victorian novels, in general, were supposed to learn a valuable lesson.

In Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte offers her readers a protagonist who behaves terribly. Heathcliff, the orphaned waif taken in by Mr. Earnshaw begins his life at Wuthering Heights under the kind care of his adoptive father and becomes close with his foster sister, Cathy. But, Hindley, Mr. Earnshaw's son, receives the new addition badly. He torments Heathcliff without mercy and makes the orphaned boy's life a living hell.

But the mutual affection between Cathy and Heathcliff goes beyond the bonds of a childhood spent running wild in the moors and turns romantic.

When Mr. Earnshaw dies, the abuse escalates and eventually, Heathcliff is driven off. Meanwhile, Cathy marries the wealthy neighbor, Edgar Linton. When Heathcliff returns from his adventures a wealthy man, he eventually gains control of Wuthering Heights and rules over the alcoholic Hindley. When Hindley dies, Heathcliff takes revenge on Hindley's son, Hareton.

The reader must ask several questions. Was Heathcliff a bad seed, a sociopath born to make trouble; a self-centered brute in search of victims? Or, was he the product of abuse, his sensibilities warped by the constantly cruelty of his foster brother? Perhaps, Mr. Earnshaw brought home his own illegitimate child. Why else did he suddenly, out of the blue, introduce this little stranger into his household? If that is true, the romantic bond between Catherine and Heathcliff is incest.

Emily Bronte touched on a variety of complex issues, unusual for a female Victorian writer. The theme of abusive relationships would be seen, in those days, as inappropriate for a woman's gentle sensibilities.

Indeed, despite the fact that Wuthering Heights was offered up to the public as a novel written by a man, critics met it with stern objection. Reviewers decried Wuthering Heights as unnatural. One reviewer could not imagine how anyone could have contemplated such a take without eventually committing suicide. Imagine what they would have thought if they had known that Ellis Bell was really a young woman.

In fact, the publishers who accepted Wuthering Heights set it aside. It was not until Emily Bronte's sister, Charlotte Bronte published Jane Eyre with success, that Wuthering Heights was offered up to the reading public.

Wuthering Heights was no best seller. It was not until many years passed that it was recognized as a classic. The book is a complex study of dysfunctional relationships with a multi-layered plot. The reader must question the intentions and behaviors of even the most innocent seeming characters, resulting in a story that has become a mainstay of English literature classes.

Emily Bronte was a quiet, reclusive young woman of the Victorian era who spent her days cooking, sewing and taking long walks on the moors. But the impact of her only novel, Wuthering Heights, resounds 160 years later as a classic, a deeply meaningful and psychologically profound novel.

Link to a biographical article on Emily Bronte with photographs
http://hubpages.com/hub/EmilyBronte-theFreeSpiritAndVisionaryGeniusWhoWroteWutheringHeights

Controlling Behavior - The 4 Ways an Abuser Controls His or Her Victim

Abuse is fundamentally about control. Violence may be a manifestation of relationship abuse, but domestic abuse is really about control. And the perpetrator can't bear to be out of control. When perpetrators feel they are losing control, their means to exercise control escalates.

What are the primary ways an abuser controls his/her victim:

1) Always being right

The abuser truly believes in one perspective: his/her own. They are always right, therefore making you wrong when there is a difference between your perspective and theirs. They hold their power in having the final say...having their way.

2) Sense of entitlement

The abuser lives from an egocentric perspective. He/she doesn't see you for who you are, only for how you fulfill his/her wishes. They see the world through one set of eyes: their own. And they believe those around them exist merely to support their vision.

3) Manipulates to leverage

The abuser is highly manipulative. He/She utilizes a punishment reward system of withholding what supports you as your punishment (negative reinforcement) and promises of what supports you as your reward (positive reinforcement).

4) Batterers to make a point and get their way

The abuser uses direct battering (verbal, emotional, mental, psychological, physical or sexual) to establish and maintain unequal power in the relationship.

If you are in a relationship with an intimate partner, a friend, co-worker, sibling or a parent that evidences these four ways to exert control, you are dealing with an abuser. The sooner you see this as outside of yourself, rather than as a part of you, the easier it is to disengage from his/her control. And when you do, you'll open yourself to finding and being yourself, exerting your own control as it serves your higher interest and well-being.

If you want to understand the dynamics of controlling relationships, I invite you to check out Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identifying Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from abusive relationships. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

Can You Tell If You Are in a Toxic Relationship?

If you are in a loving, healthy relationship you do what you can to help and support your partner. In a healthy relationship you are equal partners and you both have an equal responsibility for making the relationship work. In a healthy relationship you spend quality time together, but you also have your own personal space where you can go of and pursue you interests. Unfortunately not all relationships are healthy, some a highly toxic, so how can you tell if your are in a toxic relationship.

Abusers target the vulnerable. At the start they come across as all loving and caring, the victim often falls in love with them which makes it difficult for them to perceive the abuse because they think that their partner loves them.

There are two ways which pretty much define a toxic relationship and they are emotional abuse, and I suppose you could call it spoiled brat syndrome. Those exponents of spoiled brat syndrome are weak characters, probably low in self esteem, but very selfish and expert manipulators. The whole focus of the relationship has to be centred on them, your needs are immaterial, they require all of your time and energy. If you allow yourself to continue in such a relationship you will lose all sense of who you are. Then of course is the emotional abuse, this kind of abuse is probably even worse than physical abuse because the abuse breaks the victims spirit, their sense of who they are, and leaving them totally dependent on them.

Some abusers will verbally abuse their partners in public and when they are with friends. Some up them come up with the time worn lie that the put down was for their partners own good, yeah right. In a healthy relationship if one partner is unhappy with the other they deal with it in private, not in public. If your partner verbally abuses you in public it shows that they have no respect for you, it also shows that they hold you in contempt. The abuser will probably go on about how much they love their victim, but they need to be able to match their words with actions, if they cannot do that then they do not love you. How can you tell if you are in a toxic relationship? If your partner controls you and shows you no respect.

The abuser has a whole arsenal of psychological weapons at their disposal to keep the victim under control. They can withhold the love and intimacy that the victim so desperately needs. They put the blame for everything on the victim saying that they do not care or love them, or worse they can have the gall to place themselves as the victim and the victim the one who mistreats and disrespects them. The worst is probably the incessant flow of sarcastic comments designed to break the victim by creating a feeling of hopeless inadequacy in them. Everything is designed to undermine their victims sense of who they are and all that matters is the abusers wants and needs.

The abuser will gradually break the victims contact with friends and family, people who could notice that something is wrong and step in and ruin the abusers fun. The sad thing is, is that unless the victim is prepared to take action there is nothing that can be done, they could even find themselves defending the abuser.

How can you tell if you are in an abusive relationship? Have you reached the stage where you no longer know who you are, where your identity is wasting away? What are you like when your partner is around, are you less confident, are your afraid? Have you started to believe all the sarcasm that your partner targets at you, all the put downs all the criticism? When concerned people ask if all is well have you found yourself lying to them and yourself that all is fine? If that is the case then you are in a toxic relationship and you need to leave it!!!

How can you tell if you are in a toxic relationship? If you do not have a life, freedom, a mind of your own, then you need to break free. It does not have to be like this, you are entitled to a happy, loving and fulfilling relationship. No one has the right to decide what you can do or what you can think. It is possible that you could deal with your situation with counselling but the abuser has to agree to it and be prepared to change. If you have children you have to consider the affect that it is having on them. Many abusers witnessed abuse as children, you have to break the cycle and give them a chance to lead normal lives. The difficult thing for the victim is to break free, say enough is enough and I need help, until that happens they will remain a victim. If you are not happy with something or the life that you are leading then it does not have to be like that, you can change it.

Being a student of life I thought it about time to get my ideas down in the hope that they will help people with whatever difficulties they are facing. If you want to read further help and guidance in dealing with relationship problems then my site might be able to help. Whatever your situation I wish you luck.

http://www.reviewthemagicofmakingup.com

Interactional Relationship Abuse VS Intimate Partner Violence - 3 Distinguishing Characteristics

We hear a lot about the "he said, she said" when it comes to relationship violence. The challenge for advocates and interventionists is to accurately ascertain, not only "who did what" but even more revealing, what are the underlying dynamics inspiring the altercations between the parties?

There are some clear distinctions between classic "intimate partner violence" and "interactional relationship abuse."

1)  Classic intimate partner abuse is one-way. That is the control dynamic within the relationship is consistently in one direction: from the empowered person in the relationship to the un-empowered person in the relationship.

Whereas in interactional relationship violence, the control dynamics are ever shifting between the two individuals. While there is an unequal distribution of power within the relationship at any given time, that distribution varies. One day the controlling party is person A, and the next day it can be person B.

2)  The tendency to externalize blame is also shared by both individuals within the relationship (characterized by interactional abuse). For example, when there is an altercation, the battering person will insist that his/her physical and/or verbal emotional abuse is due to something done by his/her partner.

Whereas in classic intimate partner violence, the externalization of blame goes from the battering partner to the battered partner. And while engaged in the abuse dynamic, both people believe-on some level-that the battered person carries the responsibility for the violence.

3) The possessiveness and jealously that are characteristic of these relationships is also two-sided in interactional violence. Both people will evidence intense jealously of the other's display of affections toward third parties. And both individuals hold the right to possess the other, dictating how he/she spends his/her time, energy, attention and resources.

Whereas in classic intimate partner abuse, the abuser will exhibit excessive jealously and possessive control, and the victim will not. In fact, both of the individuals will more likely credit the dominating individual in the relationship with unwavering entitlement rights. 

If you are in an abusive relationship, or are a witness to one, be mindful of this distinction between classic intimate partner abuse and interactional relationship violence. Your doing so will assist you in dealing with the abuse dynamics and securing the proper intervention.

For more information about the dynamics of abusive relationships, I invite you to check out educational and healing domestic abuse resources for survivors, advocates and loved ones. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals, families and advocates recognize and end domestic abuse. ?2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. http://www.EndDomesticAbuse.org/ebooks.php

Are You in a Violent Relationship?

This article was prompted by a conversation I had with a woman seeking coaching earlier this week. She feels ready to move ahead in her life. However something serious is holding her back. She feels there's lots of positive happening in her life and also is aware of quite a bit of anguish (as are many of us right now). But in this woman's case, 75% of her anguish was coming from her relationship... specifically her partner's bad treatment of her.

Here's what I wrote for all the midlife women out there (or women of any age) who are in challenging relationships:

Relationship abuse comes in many shapes and colours. What's a common interaction pattern for one woman may be considered totally unacceptable by another. There are, however, clear guidelines about the subject.

Many of us believe that abuse is confined to the physical body...if a woman's not thrown across the room, it's not violence. That's not true though. The definition is considerably more expansive than that.

Verbal and emotional control and intimidation are usually more common than physical threats. After a period of time has elapsed in such a relationship, the implied threat of negative or stressful consequences is enough to keep a woman minding her "p's and q's".

A power differential is at the root of the whole thing...an unequal power balance between the partners. It could be material including finances or income, physical, or personality driven (i.e. dominant personality type and passive type). Patterns are often adopted early in a relationship that follow a couple throughout their life together.

If you feel bad in your relationship much of the time and aren't able to communicate this to your partner for fear of repercussions, you may be in an abusive relationship. If your self-esteem is plunging and you have unexplained illness that could be stress-related, perhaps your relationship is dragging you down.

Even though women may recognize the mistreatment, we often don't do anything about it or speak of it for many, many reasons for a long time. We are embarassed, ashamed, our loyalty shackles us and so on. Another important reason is that telling makes it real, then we may have to act and we may not be prepared to yet.

Women who are experiencing physical as well as emotional, mental and spiritual violence leave their partner many times on average before the final breakup. Some women experiencing non-physical abuse may leave sooner and some deny the abuse by not labelling it as such. There's no hard and fast rule for this.

Most communities have services for women experiencing relationship violence of any sort, be it physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. These services give women and their children a safe place to stay. Many women never actually go to safe houses - they find ways to get the support they need by random or ongoing telephone conversations with support workers who staff the houses, or from family and friends.

If you feel threatened, stressed or abused in your relationship, speak up to a safe person. You'll be surprised how many other women are experiencing similar issues. Our silence isolates us from each other. Isolation slowly erodes our sense of self and our joie de vivre.

Through her 'Odyssey of Change' coaching program, Ellen Besso offers Midlife Women the opportunity to navigate the midlife maze and find joy & fullness in their lives.

Personal action plans include strengthening the body-mind connection; releasing beliefs that limit growth; & specific actions to move you forward into your ideal life.

Ellen is uniquely qualified to be your guide because she has personally journeyed through perimenopause and into an inspired life as a menopausal crone! Her professional credentials include certification as a Martha Beck Coach and an M.A. in Counselling from City University.

To find out more about Ellen's work and read articles written by her contact:
http://www.ellenbesso.com or http://ellenbesso.com/midlifemaze
info@ellenbesso.com 800 961 1364 - N.Am. or
604 886 1916 - Gibsons, BC