Nobody ever walks consciously into an abusive relationship. Rather they 'sign up' for a relationship that, they believe, offers them most of what they want; and they are prepared to compromise on the things that they sense are not on offer. Or, maybe, they think that, in time, they will educate - or train - their partner to provide the other things that they want as well.
"Is that such a bad foundation for a relationship?" you might ask. "People do that all the time."
Of course they do. You are absolutely right. Most people settle for a partner who falls short of their ideal - or, to put it another way, people accept someone who does not altogether measure up to their dream. In some cases it works out well, and in the case of abused women it works out very badly indeed.
What makes for the difference?
Quite simply, it is the shortcomings that people are prepared to accept. Settling for someone whose appearance, dress sense, social status, and education fall short of your aspirations, may well be a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Settling for someone who has a string of past relationships that ended badly, a strong sense of grievance, is quick to express fury and contempt - albeit with other people - is akin to putting your hand in the fire; and then being terribly surprised when that hand gets 3rd degree burns.
The way a new partner behaves towards you in the early days of a relationship, when he is out to win your heart, is less indicative of what lies ahead than the way he behaves towards other people. Especially the 'other people' who 'don't matter'; like people in service industries.
"So, how does this relate to a mentally abusive relationship?"
Having worked with hundreds and hundreds of abused women, I am aware of the gulf between how they define the early, heady days of their relationship and the way things truly were. Women talk about how wonderful and caring their abusive partner was at the start, before he started changing from Mr Nice Guy into Mr Nasty in front of their very eyes.
There is no doubt that mentally abused women believe the story that they tell. Equally, there is no doubt that they view the start of their relationship through the rose-tinted spectacles of denial. In fact, their partner wooed them fast, swept them off their feet, by saying the things that they ached to hear... but - and it is a big but - he showed behaviours that were worrying.
There were times when he was inconsiderate, when he overreacted to situations and became quite angry or punitive towards them. His behaviour was, to put it bluntly, selfish: the relationship was about what he wanted, first and foremost.
In the first stage of the relationship, the woman's mental dialogue is all about making 'it' up to him for his past (and present) problems, and making allowances, and excuses, for behaviours that, she senses, are less than ideal. He may look good, and dress well, and there may well be "chemistry". So, his partner overlooks fundamental differences in their values, and attitudes regarding relationships.
In the second stage of the relationship, Mr Nasty has become very much a part of the relationship. He may be around rather more of the time than Mr Nice Guy. By now, this man has largely stopped making the effort to please his partner. Why should he? Most of the time he can get what he wants from her through intimidation, anger or punishment Why does that work? Why doesn't she just walk away - as she knows that she should? Because she thinks back to all the "potential" for being a great partner that he showed in the early days. She tells herself that, if she tries a little harder and shows him more love and support, sooner or later he is bound to turn back into Mr Nice Guy. When that happens, she will finally have the relationship she desires.
Besides, by now, she has invested so much of her heart and her identity in him that she can't bear to throw away what they had.
In the third stage of the relationship, Mr Nice Guy is little more than a distant memory; at least where his partner is concerned. He may turn on the charm when he is out in public, he may dust off his "nice" side for the benefit of any other woman in town, but in the privacy of his own home he is cold, unloving, fault-finding, punitive and contemptuous.
Of course, his treatment has taken its toll. By this stage, his partner has been so brainwashed by the constant mental and emotional abuse that she has lost her confidence, her self-worth, and her sense of her own identity. She is constantly fearful of provoking another outburst, and she blames herself for everything. Worse still, she has come to treat herself as badly as her partner treats her. She feels completely drained, desperate and hopeless. She simply cannot see a way out.
She cannot see a way out for two very important reasons. First, she doesn't understand what has happened to her, and that it is not her fault. Second, she doesn't know how to heal and get her life back on track. Because she has been so brainwashed, it is almost impossible for her to make the journey back to health on happiness without expert help.
Happily, the world is not as she has been conditioned to see it. With expert help, she will be able to let go of her abusive relationship and create a meaningful life for herself.
A mentally abusive relationship may feel like a living death. Fortunately, there is life after mental emotional abuse. Having survived a mentally abusive relationship, means that you have the strength to heal, and a tremendous capacity, as well as hunger, for the happiness you desire.
Dr Annie Kaszina Ph D, is an Emotional Abuse Recovery writer and Expert. Annie works, 1-2-1 and in groups, worldwide, with women who have struggled in an abusive relationship. She has helped many hundreds of women overcome their insecurities, clear the anxieties and get their life back on track once and for all, so that they can experience all the happiness, laughter, self-esteem and purpose that have been missing from their life. Annie is the author of: "The Woman You Want To Be", one of the top books on the market for healing the trauma of an abusive relationship.
You can get Annie's Free Report "The Seven Things You Need To Know" and sign up to Annie's free bi-monthly ezine by visiting http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com. You can email Annie at: annie@EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com.
