Opting Out of an Abusive Relationship

Letting go of an abusive partner is surprisingly one of the toughest choices that victims of abuse will eventually make. Victims are often unaware of the unhealthy turn of their relationship and tend to stay trapped in it unless concerned family members and friends bail them out.

Violence and abuse are often normal in the eyes of the abusive partner, and the victim learns to accept this view after repetitive programming and mental conditioning. If you are in this type of abusive and unhealthy relationship, its about time that you pack your bags and learn the art of letting go. Here are some lessons for you:

When you leave an abusive relationship, prepare to pass through a number of phases. The first of the lot is rationalization.

In this phase, you think of reasons to reconcile or explain your partners abusive behavior: You have done something very wrong and deserve to be abused as a form of punishment. You also presume that your partner is plagued with problems which account for the aggressive behavior. When you are in the rationalization stage, you should allow yourself to be egotistical. Your life is your own business and your responsibility. Your partner should not make you the scapegoat for any screw-ups that occur in your relationship.

The next phase that you experience when you are considering leaving an abusive relationship is one in which you feel that you will be unable to live without your partner. This is extremely common. It is quite likely that as you have progressed through the relationship that the person who has abused you has made you dependent on them for many things.

Your abusive partner has had a considerable degree of control over you after breaking your spirit and rebuilding it sans any regard for your needs. When you withdraw from this control, you tend to feel empty. This is just how things work. Don't get stuck in this stage. If you want to unload the burden of sorrow from your life, you must be ready to leave on your own. You do not need anyone's guidance or control.

Value your personal safety. Your abusive partner cannot always temper any aggressive impulses, so watch out for any type of violent behavior. The smallest problem can very well escalate to a serious and big-time abuse without your knowing.

You could become seriously injured, and you could even be killed as a result of physical abuse. If you experience emotional or psychological abuse, you could end up suffering from depression. Believe it or not, this could actually have an impact on your physical health as well. You must consider yourself, your future, and your health.

Once you decide to walk away from an abusive relationship, it is important to understand that the abuser may not like this at all. They could even attempt to hurt you while you are making the attempt. It is important to ensure that you have a plan that includes additional people that can help you through the experience.

Leave without a trace. Do not give your abusive partner any clue of your whereabouts. Opting out of your unhealthy relationship may no longer be so difficult if you follow these tips.

Liz Johnson is a recognized expert on bad relationships If you have found this article useful please visit her web site for more tips, information and practical advice on leaving an unhealthy relationship

The Hidden Relationship Abuse

Everyone is quite familiar with the problem of physical and verbal abuse in relationships. It sometimes seems to be running rampant in today's society. These relationship demons are very difficult to deal with and produce such a large amount of pain and suffering. However, there is another form of abuse does not seem to be given the attention that it warrants. This is emotional abuse. Some people have put emotional abuse into the same category as verbal abuse. This is a common misunderstanding, and the victims of emotional abuse need to understand the difference of these two forms of mistreatment and to learn that they are not alone. To realize you are a victim of this abuse can then free you to take steps to leaving the relationship in which you are the wounded.

Verbal abuse is the form of abuse in which one person in the relationship verbally attacks the other. There is an endless array of verbal demeaning statements. Commonly known ones are along the lines of "You're stupid", "You're ugly", "You can't do anything right". The perpetrator uses insulting language to degrade the victim and produce a feeling of worthlessness.

Emotional abuse is quite different. When a person is deeply in love with another, they sometimes form a very strong need to please the other. The perpetrator plays off this need and can wreck havoc in the mind of the victim. There are many variations of emotional abuse; however, we will touch on some of most frequent.

One way in which people can be emotionally abusive to another is to deprive them of communication. When the perpetrator is irrationally angry with the other, they may cut off all means of contact. The victim, feeling lost, will repeatedly telephone the other, try to locate them, send endless instant messages, or even send letters via postal mail. The the person responsible for the emotional abuse, in their twisted thinking, will ignore all of the victims efforts, as a form of "punishment". This can leave the victim feeling hopeless and confused, thus when the perpetrator finally resumes communication, the victim will actually thank them profusely for recommencing contact! All talk of the fact that the abuser "disappeared" for that time of "punishment" is ignored, as the victim tries to please the abuser, and does not wish to prompt another reason for a disappearance.

Another commonly used approach of an emotional abuser is to place any and all blame of irrational anger onto the victim. We will use the fictional names of "Steve" and "Kathy" to play out a scenario of this type. Steve tells Kathy that he lost quite a bit of money in his attempt to play the stock market. Kathy shows concern and talks to Steve regarding the awful feeling of losing money. Steve responds defensively, accusing Kathy of only caring about money, and "loving money more than she loves him". The next week, Steve tells Kathy that he spent a good amount of money playing the lottery and lost it all. Kathy now, based on her experience, tells Steve that it is "no big deal" and she proceeds to try to change the subject to a more pleasant one. Steve responds in anger, accusing Kathy of not caring at all of his money situation and telling her that she certainly can not be loving towards him if she does not even care that he lost money. Kathy cannot win. No matter what approach she takes to please Steve, he will find a reason to be angry with her.

Kathy is now feeling frustrated and confused. She may question Steve on his reasoning, to no avail. No matter what logic she implements, Steve will find a way to warp her words and put only himself in a good light. Kathy is in a no-win situation and she is being emotionally abused.

Simply "game playing" is a very common and widespread form of abuse. This can cover a wide range of behavior. A person may act caring one moment and distant the next. This can force the victim to be constantly in a state of worry and never fully knowing where the relationship stands. A person may endlessly break promises, causing the victim to feel hopeless with no feeling of security or safety from the other person's words. The abuser may "casually" mention the attention he or she is receiving from members of the opposite sex. This is done in an attempt to cause jealousy from the victim and instill a feeling of low self-esteem. One person in the relationship may constantly threaten to "leave forever" or "never speak again". This threat is empty and is only told to the victim to infuse a panic of a breakup.

It is usually futile to try to change the behavior of another person. Someone who is emotionally abusive will most probably continue to be so. A strong desire to change and perhaps a large amount of counseling may produce some beneficial results. However, the majority of emotionally abusive people fail to recognize their behavior as being damaging. Since admitting ones faults is the key to fixing them, it can be a long and usually painful journey to attempt to change the person's core behavior.

There is no one who deserves to be on the receiving end of emotional abuse. A relationship with this element will eventually break down the very heart of the victim's self-worth and self-esteem. The relationship will persistently be stormy and unstable. The victim will be incessantly in a state of disturbance. Once this form of treatment is identified as abuse, the victim may then understand that he or she need not allow it.

When confronted, the abuser may promise to stop his behavior, causing the victim to have a temporary relief, only to find that the emotional abuse continues after a day or two. It is at this time, when the victim realizes the mistreatment they are receiving, that they should strongly consider the option of leaving the relationship. Emotional abuse is abuse. It need not be tolerated.

The victim of this abuse may find that the abuser has lowered their self-worth so greatly, that leaving the relationship does not seem to be a viable solution. Speaking with friends and family may help. It is common for victims to keep their experiences of abuse to themselves and expressing the emotional pain they have endured can be freeing. One-on-one counseling may be helpful, as the victim can learn to take control of his or her life. Ideally, if someone recognizes this treatment for what it is, they will take control of their own life immediately. Leaving the abuser and giving themselves the freedom to pursue a meaningful and peaceful life should be their goal.

Written by Alisa Chagnon of http://www.lovebulletin.com Alisa is a freelance writer, focusing on articles regarding relationships. Her services may be obtained by contacting her at Author@lovebulletin.com

Signs of an Abusive Relationship - Can Be Difficult to Analyze Or Describe Because of Confusion

There are many signs of an abusive relationship I will be highlighting here.

Before I go into the signs of an abusive relationship I want to make a point I think is very important.

Often these days we hear that abuse in relationships is just as likely to be perpetrated by women as much as men. As such some think it is unfair to focus on men as the perpetrators.

To put this in perspective let us look at some of the abusive relationship statistics that are well known.

Firstly, we know that at least 1 in 3 women throughout the world is in an abusive relationship.

Secondly, 3 women are killed every day in the States by a partner/ex-partner/cohabiting male. In Australia 1 woman is killed every 5 days. Only yesterday a woman and her daughter were found dead at the bottom of a cliff near Sydney having been thrown there by her husband.

At least 5000 women and girls are killed each year in so called 'honor killings', often after having been raped by a member of their own family.

Countless numbers of women are terrorized by partners/ex-partners every day.

Women are raped regularly by husbands/partners/boyfriends. It is often not seen as being rape but this is what it amounts to as many women are afraid of what might happen if they don't 'come across' as it were.

These abusive relationship statistics highlight the reality that men are more likely to be the perpetrators and women the victims.

To suggest that women are just as likely to be abusive in a relationship as men is not accurate. It is what I would call a 'red herring', that is to say it takes us away from dealing with the real problem and arriving at a solution.

That is not to deny that there may be occasions when women are the perpetrators in an abusive relationship.

I find, when you start looking at relationships, there are so many signs of an abusive relationship as there is such a wide range of abuse.

In this section I want to focus on the signs of an abusive relationship that do not include the physical abuse. My purpose for doing this is that when discussing abusive relationships it is the physical abuse that gets focused on more often than not to the exclusion of other abusive behavior.

Often the person on the receiving end does not detect the abuse as it can be difficult to analyze or describe. This can be especially so when they have been told repeatedly they are the one at fault.

This can lead to confusion and lack of confidence and believing that the one being abused is somehow responsible.

I recall seeing a woman as a client at one stage whose husband was an ogre in the home. He was not physically violent but he treated her and their two children appallingly. Early on in the session I said to her "it has nothing to do with you."

From that point on she was transfixed, and even though we talked of other things, she came back to me several times during the session and said "you mean it has nothing to do with me?"

She had been convinced by him that she was at fault and that is why he treated her and the children so badly.

Other signs of an abusive relationship are when women are put down in all sorts of ways. They are told they are no good in bed, no good as cooks, no good as mothers etc.,etc.

They are told they are sluts, whores, bitches, nymphomaniacs.

When men demonstrate they think they can do whatever they want with no regard for their partners, these are signs of an abusive relationship.

I believe not sharing in domestic and parenting responsibilities is unfair and constitutes signs of an abusive relationship.

I was speaking with a woman recently, who teaches at an elite school, and she told me her highly paid professional ex husband who abused her in a range of ways, never cooked once during their eleven year marriage.

Men who are aggressive by means of tempers, anger or moodiness, demonstrate signs of an abusive relationship. Also when all sorts of threats are made. Such as threats to kill the woman or kill himself if she were to leave.

Throwing objects, slamming doors very forcefully, punching holes in walls etc., are signs of an abusive relationship.

There are so many signs, I could go on and on. Another one is where women are isolated and cut off from their family and friends. Their whereabouts is questioned all the time.

The question often asked is, "why are so many men like this?" In my view the answers given a lot of the time, are not very helpful.

Signs of an abusive relationship are a manifestation about the belief that males are superior to females and can treat them any way they want. Any other explanation is totally inadequate.

Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police, politicians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work. He is the author of "How To Have An Extraordinary Relationship." His website is http://www.relationship-tips-for-you.com

Friend Or Daughter in an Abusive Relationship - 3 Secrets to Saving Your Relationship With Them

Why do we hate victims of domestic abuse?

We hate the hold their perpetrators have over them when it interferes with us getting what love and affection we are accustom to receiving from them.

We hate the frustration of not being able to shake them awake. We hate their choosing to be controlled over the life they had before their abusive relationship.

We don't hate them. We hate what their abusive relationship means to us.

How can we reconcile their choice without it further compromising our relationship with them?

The answer to this question can ultimately save your relationship with them. And moreover, potentially save them as well.

A) Remember they are the keeper of their temple, and they are ultimately responsible to and for their choices.

B) Our ability to honor their position is as important to the well-being of our relationship with them as our motivation to rock their boat.

C) After we have expressed our opinions, played our hand, disclosed the facts we observe, provided the appropriate domestic abuse resources, etc., the rest is theirs.

Relationships are dynamic. As we can remain there for our loved one in an abusive relationship, we can be there when they are ready to grab our hand for help. But until that time, we must be mindful of whom we are helping if we reach out from our own losses.

What can happen if we bully our help with abused loved ones?

Some people believe in the "tough love" approach to helping loved ones in an abusive relationship. However more often than not, this backfires. 

It tells the abused to exercise caution when they are on the outward stroke of the relationship, because candor says "you're right." And when the time comes when you are needed most, you maybe the last person to be called. Ultimately, you may very well  nourish the sinking of the lifeboat that you could have been for your friend or loved one in an abusive relationship.

Keep the lifeboat afloat and enjoy whatever elements of relationship you have with your loved one while on the inward as well as the outward stroke of an abusive relationship.

Domestic violence comes in all shapes and sizes...all levels of danger, oppression and control. There is no one other than the victim in an abusive relationship that knows their situation better than themselves.

As we trust and respect that, we give them what is probably missing in their abusive relationship and we model what we so earnestly long for them to have.

For more information about helping others who are in abusive relationships, see Stop Domestic Abuse Helping Others Break the Cycle, where you can also claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in court. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

?2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention

The 3 Stages of a Mentally Abusive Relationship

Nobody ever walks consciously into an abusive relationship. Rather they 'sign up' for a relationship that, they believe, offers them most of what they want; and they are prepared to compromise on the things that they sense are not on offer. Or, maybe, they think that, in time, they will educate - or train - their partner to provide the other things that they want as well.

"Is that such a bad foundation for a relationship?" you might ask. "People do that all the time."

Of course they do. You are absolutely right. Most people settle for a partner who falls short of their ideal - or, to put it another way, people accept someone who does not altogether measure up to their dream. In some cases it works out well, and in the case of abused women it works out very badly indeed.

What makes for the difference?

Quite simply, it is the shortcomings that people are prepared to accept. Settling for someone whose appearance, dress sense, social status, and education fall short of your aspirations, may well be a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Settling for someone who has a string of past relationships that ended badly, a strong sense of grievance, is quick to express fury and contempt - albeit with other people - is akin to putting your hand in the fire; and then being terribly surprised when that hand gets 3rd degree burns.

The way a new partner behaves towards you in the early days of a relationship, when he is out to win your heart, is less indicative of what lies ahead than the way he behaves towards other people. Especially the 'other people' who 'don't matter'; like people in service industries.

"So, how does this relate to a mentally abusive relationship?"

Having worked with hundreds and hundreds of abused women, I am aware of the gulf between how they define the early, heady days of their relationship and the way things truly were. Women talk about how wonderful and caring their abusive partner was at the start, before he started changing from Mr Nice Guy into Mr Nasty in front of their very eyes.

There is no doubt that mentally abused women believe the story that they tell. Equally, there is no doubt that they view the start of their relationship through the rose-tinted spectacles of denial. In fact, their partner wooed them fast, swept them off their feet, by saying the things that they ached to hear... but - and it is a big but - he showed behaviours that were worrying.

There were times when he was inconsiderate, when he overreacted to situations and became quite angry or punitive towards them. His behaviour was, to put it bluntly, selfish: the relationship was about what he wanted, first and foremost.

In the first stage of the relationship, the woman's mental dialogue is all about making 'it' up to him for his past (and present) problems, and making allowances, and excuses, for behaviours that, she senses, are less than ideal. He may look good, and dress well, and there may well be "chemistry". So, his partner overlooks fundamental differences in their values, and attitudes regarding relationships.

In the second stage of the relationship, Mr Nasty has become very much a part of the relationship. He may be around rather more of the time than Mr Nice Guy. By now, this man has largely stopped making the effort to please his partner. Why should he? Most of the time he can get what he wants from her through intimidation, anger or punishment Why does that work? Why doesn't she just walk away - as she knows that she should? Because she thinks back to all the "potential" for being a great partner that he showed in the early days. She tells herself that, if she tries a little harder and shows him more love and support, sooner or later he is bound to turn back into Mr Nice Guy. When that happens, she will finally have the relationship she desires.

Besides, by now, she has invested so much of her heart and her identity in him that she can't bear to throw away what they had.

In the third stage of the relationship, Mr Nice Guy is little more than a distant memory; at least where his partner is concerned. He may turn on the charm when he is out in public, he may dust off his "nice" side for the benefit of any other woman in town, but in the privacy of his own home he is cold, unloving, fault-finding, punitive and contemptuous.

Of course, his treatment has taken its toll. By this stage, his partner has been so brainwashed by the constant mental and emotional abuse that she has lost her confidence, her self-worth, and her sense of her own identity. She is constantly fearful of provoking another outburst, and she blames herself for everything. Worse still, she has come to treat herself as badly as her partner treats her. She feels completely drained, desperate and hopeless. She simply cannot see a way out.

She cannot see a way out for two very important reasons. First, she doesn't understand what has happened to her, and that it is not her fault. Second, she doesn't know how to heal and get her life back on track. Because she has been so brainwashed, it is almost impossible for her to make the journey back to health on happiness without expert help.

Happily, the world is not as she has been conditioned to see it. With expert help, she will be able to let go of her abusive relationship and create a meaningful life for herself.

A mentally abusive relationship may feel like a living death. Fortunately, there is life after mental emotional abuse. Having survived a mentally abusive relationship, means that you have the strength to heal, and a tremendous capacity, as well as hunger, for the happiness you desire.

Dr Annie Kaszina Ph D, is an Emotional Abuse Recovery writer and Expert. Annie works, 1-2-1 and in groups, worldwide, with women who have struggled in an abusive relationship. She has helped many hundreds of women overcome their insecurities, clear the anxieties and get their life back on track once and for all, so that they can experience all the happiness, laughter, self-esteem and purpose that have been missing from their life. Annie is the author of: "The Woman You Want To Be", one of the top books on the market for healing the trauma of an abusive relationship.

You can get Annie's Free Report "The Seven Things You Need To Know" and sign up to Annie's free bi-monthly ezine by visiting http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com. You can email Annie at: annie@EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com.

The Relationship Dynamics

It is often said that the relationships one engages in reveal a lot about one's character but I beg to differ and to approach it the other way: the relationships one gets into help to shape one's character. Character comes from experiences, it is who we are and who we are develops from what we brush onto. There is a story of a woman who from childhood had dreams about becoming a very powerful, successful and intelligent wife, lover, mother and business woman all moulded in one. Such dreams propelled her to pursue her studies, relationships and search for information with such vigour. She was considered top of the range by her peers until she got into an abusive relationship. Being in an abusive relationship is toxic to say the least. One loses their identity as their confidence is shattered. Spending several years in an abusive relationship alters one's character in two ways:

(a) As long as one is trying to protect themselves from harm and further abuse, a sense of self is lost. A battle of the mind ensues where; means and ways are devised in order to charm the abuser in a bid to change the status quo. One could throw away their values and adopt mechanisms such as lying, cheating and faking in order to appease the abuser. It also becomes a way of numbing the pain and a solitary place for coping.

(b) If one receives support from society and is properly counselled, the situation in an abusive relationship could help develop resistance, a strong character that is unwavering, a fighting spirit driven by faith and hope in a better outcome. One woman who found herself in an abusive relationship for several years, started off on the deeper end where her character deteriorated as a response to abuse. She became bitter, hostile and of loose morals in a bid to numb the pain. Her relationships with the world at large were tainted by a desire to protect herself from further harm. As a result she could not properly distinguish good intent from bad intent. She picked and got involved with the wrong people as her judgement had been clouded by this incident of abuse in her life. She went about mistreating and hurting other people with the same intensity that she felt abused and therefore her character was badly damaged and her reputation was far from good.

However, as she received counselling and support from society and her friends and relatives, coupled with spiritual guidance and exposure, she began to transform. Gradually, she began to renew her mind, her thoughts, her attitudes and thus her character. Despite the prevalence of abuse and its persistence in her life, she became much stronger to the extent of fighting off the abuse in a psychological way. The abuser was caught off guard as this strong willed woman emerged and began to challenge the abuser, and to clean up her life and to develop a better and stronger character. She learnt to love and trust again against the odds of persistent abuse, to the extent that the abuser was overpowered by her new attitude, strong will and strong character. Within a short space of time, this woman was transformed in a way that began to rub off on other people.She started counselling and helping other people who found themselves in the same situation that she had been.

Mosline Farawu is an Internet Marketer who likes to share daily observations and commentaries made in the news and society. Her compilation of daily observations can be found on her blog at: http://www.observationseveryday.com

Relationship Abuse - Why, What, How? Abuse Help For Women From Broken Homes

The root problem, especially for women from broken homes, is that they long to be loved by a man--even if the relationship is less than healthy. Even if they have to tolerate abusive behavior just to be loved. Following is Chanelle's story.

My home was dysfunctional - unwed mother, no father. Mom did a fine job of raising us, but it was one-sided. So I grew up with this need in me to be loved by a man. A father. A lover. A husband -- either, or, didn't matter. Since there was no positive influence of a man in the house to serve as a role model, there was this huge disconnect.

I mean, how was I supposed to know what a compatible, loving relationship between a man and a woman was like? What qualities a man was supposed to express as a lover and best friend to his wife? Or how a responsible loving father would train his children and set goals for his family to grow and prosper in life? Or how a couple would solve problems in a way that worked when the ride became bumpy?"

So when I became fast and sassy, I listened to the crap the sharpest guys were dishing out. I mean, my role model was listening to the sexy lyrics of MTV and BET videos. RAP music and the like. Checking out who wore the latest fads and had the best line. Basically I was just stumbling around life, looking for love here and there, hoping for the best.

After more hits and misses than I want to own up to, I wound up with Kurt, who moved in. Initially he perpetrated himself as the perfect man for me, wining and dining me, showering me with attention. But it was all a control game. He was manipulating me. You see, the early attention was to convince me that he really loved me. Then when he felt I was won over, he started to wean away, making excuses for his absences. Out with the boys. Gotta meet someone down on the corner. Working late. Excuses beyond time.

Sometimes he'd be gone for days-but of course he'd show up on "pay day", spend my money and dared me to ask where he'd been. And if I did show an attitude -- nighttime pleasures too sweet for words would flow again. He'd love me like no woman could resist and I'd be convinced that he loved me all over again, causing me to forget days of neglect, despite all his crap. Never mind he didn't give me any money, didn't help with the baby, didn't assist around the house - he loved me didn't he? I had a man didn't I? And he was my man.

Then there were the put-downs. He'd call me lazy, inconsiderate, fat, anything that would make me feel guilty for his negativity toward me, suggesting, given my faults, it was a privilege just to have him around. At the time, it didn't matter - I mean, you don't give up on your man. Consequently I found myself doing everything I knew how to please him. Yet many a tear-soaked pillow cradled me through lonely nights. Most times I was irritable, anxious, angry, yet I kept holding on for 13 long years loving him, hoping, praying that we'd stay together, maybe even get married."

Then...One day, the cramping knots in my stomach, the burning pain in my heart, the constant feelings of worthlessness throbbing in my head, told me enough was enough. By that time I'd learned computer skills and landed a job where a coworker recommended a counselor. The counselor taught me principles of self love and how relationships work best and I have never looked back.

Bottom line is when a woman learns to love herself first--she will recognize abuse and won't tolerate an abusive relationship ever again.

My name is Donna Patterson. At http://www.readyformarriagedating.com, I teach women the limits of Uncommitted love and sex to instead discover the six critical decisions necessary to establish Committed Love first, leading to genuine love and a husband as best friend in marriage based on a six-step transitions process. Also, Download 6 FREE Sure-Fire Dating Tips. Click here: http://www.readyformarriagedating.com