Opting Out of an Abusive Relationship

Letting go of an abusive partner is surprisingly one of the toughest choices that victims of abuse will eventually make. Victims are often unaware of the unhealthy turn of their relationship and tend to stay trapped in it unless concerned family members and friends bail them out.

Violence and abuse are often normal in the eyes of the abusive partner, and the victim learns to accept this view after repetitive programming and mental conditioning. If you are in this type of abusive and unhealthy relationship, its about time that you pack your bags and learn the art of letting go. Here are some lessons for you:

When you leave an abusive relationship, prepare to pass through a number of phases. The first of the lot is rationalization.

In this phase, you think of reasons to reconcile or explain your partners abusive behavior: You have done something very wrong and deserve to be abused as a form of punishment. You also presume that your partner is plagued with problems which account for the aggressive behavior. When you are in the rationalization stage, you should allow yourself to be egotistical. Your life is your own business and your responsibility. Your partner should not make you the scapegoat for any screw-ups that occur in your relationship.

The next phase that you experience when you are considering leaving an abusive relationship is one in which you feel that you will be unable to live without your partner. This is extremely common. It is quite likely that as you have progressed through the relationship that the person who has abused you has made you dependent on them for many things.

Your abusive partner has had a considerable degree of control over you after breaking your spirit and rebuilding it sans any regard for your needs. When you withdraw from this control, you tend to feel empty. This is just how things work. Don't get stuck in this stage. If you want to unload the burden of sorrow from your life, you must be ready to leave on your own. You do not need anyone's guidance or control.

Value your personal safety. Your abusive partner cannot always temper any aggressive impulses, so watch out for any type of violent behavior. The smallest problem can very well escalate to a serious and big-time abuse without your knowing.

You could become seriously injured, and you could even be killed as a result of physical abuse. If you experience emotional or psychological abuse, you could end up suffering from depression. Believe it or not, this could actually have an impact on your physical health as well. You must consider yourself, your future, and your health.

Once you decide to walk away from an abusive relationship, it is important to understand that the abuser may not like this at all. They could even attempt to hurt you while you are making the attempt. It is important to ensure that you have a plan that includes additional people that can help you through the experience.

Leave without a trace. Do not give your abusive partner any clue of your whereabouts. Opting out of your unhealthy relationship may no longer be so difficult if you follow these tips.

Liz Johnson is a recognized expert on bad relationships If you have found this article useful please visit her web site for more tips, information and practical advice on leaving an unhealthy relationship

The Hidden Relationship Abuse

Everyone is quite familiar with the problem of physical and verbal abuse in relationships. It sometimes seems to be running rampant in today's society. These relationship demons are very difficult to deal with and produce such a large amount of pain and suffering. However, there is another form of abuse does not seem to be given the attention that it warrants. This is emotional abuse. Some people have put emotional abuse into the same category as verbal abuse. This is a common misunderstanding, and the victims of emotional abuse need to understand the difference of these two forms of mistreatment and to learn that they are not alone. To realize you are a victim of this abuse can then free you to take steps to leaving the relationship in which you are the wounded.

Verbal abuse is the form of abuse in which one person in the relationship verbally attacks the other. There is an endless array of verbal demeaning statements. Commonly known ones are along the lines of "You're stupid", "You're ugly", "You can't do anything right". The perpetrator uses insulting language to degrade the victim and produce a feeling of worthlessness.

Emotional abuse is quite different. When a person is deeply in love with another, they sometimes form a very strong need to please the other. The perpetrator plays off this need and can wreck havoc in the mind of the victim. There are many variations of emotional abuse; however, we will touch on some of most frequent.

One way in which people can be emotionally abusive to another is to deprive them of communication. When the perpetrator is irrationally angry with the other, they may cut off all means of contact. The victim, feeling lost, will repeatedly telephone the other, try to locate them, send endless instant messages, or even send letters via postal mail. The the person responsible for the emotional abuse, in their twisted thinking, will ignore all of the victims efforts, as a form of "punishment". This can leave the victim feeling hopeless and confused, thus when the perpetrator finally resumes communication, the victim will actually thank them profusely for recommencing contact! All talk of the fact that the abuser "disappeared" for that time of "punishment" is ignored, as the victim tries to please the abuser, and does not wish to prompt another reason for a disappearance.

Another commonly used approach of an emotional abuser is to place any and all blame of irrational anger onto the victim. We will use the fictional names of "Steve" and "Kathy" to play out a scenario of this type. Steve tells Kathy that he lost quite a bit of money in his attempt to play the stock market. Kathy shows concern and talks to Steve regarding the awful feeling of losing money. Steve responds defensively, accusing Kathy of only caring about money, and "loving money more than she loves him". The next week, Steve tells Kathy that he spent a good amount of money playing the lottery and lost it all. Kathy now, based on her experience, tells Steve that it is "no big deal" and she proceeds to try to change the subject to a more pleasant one. Steve responds in anger, accusing Kathy of not caring at all of his money situation and telling her that she certainly can not be loving towards him if she does not even care that he lost money. Kathy cannot win. No matter what approach she takes to please Steve, he will find a reason to be angry with her.

Kathy is now feeling frustrated and confused. She may question Steve on his reasoning, to no avail. No matter what logic she implements, Steve will find a way to warp her words and put only himself in a good light. Kathy is in a no-win situation and she is being emotionally abused.

Simply "game playing" is a very common and widespread form of abuse. This can cover a wide range of behavior. A person may act caring one moment and distant the next. This can force the victim to be constantly in a state of worry and never fully knowing where the relationship stands. A person may endlessly break promises, causing the victim to feel hopeless with no feeling of security or safety from the other person's words. The abuser may "casually" mention the attention he or she is receiving from members of the opposite sex. This is done in an attempt to cause jealousy from the victim and instill a feeling of low self-esteem. One person in the relationship may constantly threaten to "leave forever" or "never speak again". This threat is empty and is only told to the victim to infuse a panic of a breakup.

It is usually futile to try to change the behavior of another person. Someone who is emotionally abusive will most probably continue to be so. A strong desire to change and perhaps a large amount of counseling may produce some beneficial results. However, the majority of emotionally abusive people fail to recognize their behavior as being damaging. Since admitting ones faults is the key to fixing them, it can be a long and usually painful journey to attempt to change the person's core behavior.

There is no one who deserves to be on the receiving end of emotional abuse. A relationship with this element will eventually break down the very heart of the victim's self-worth and self-esteem. The relationship will persistently be stormy and unstable. The victim will be incessantly in a state of disturbance. Once this form of treatment is identified as abuse, the victim may then understand that he or she need not allow it.

When confronted, the abuser may promise to stop his behavior, causing the victim to have a temporary relief, only to find that the emotional abuse continues after a day or two. It is at this time, when the victim realizes the mistreatment they are receiving, that they should strongly consider the option of leaving the relationship. Emotional abuse is abuse. It need not be tolerated.

The victim of this abuse may find that the abuser has lowered their self-worth so greatly, that leaving the relationship does not seem to be a viable solution. Speaking with friends and family may help. It is common for victims to keep their experiences of abuse to themselves and expressing the emotional pain they have endured can be freeing. One-on-one counseling may be helpful, as the victim can learn to take control of his or her life. Ideally, if someone recognizes this treatment for what it is, they will take control of their own life immediately. Leaving the abuser and giving themselves the freedom to pursue a meaningful and peaceful life should be their goal.

Written by Alisa Chagnon of http://www.lovebulletin.com Alisa is a freelance writer, focusing on articles regarding relationships. Her services may be obtained by contacting her at Author@lovebulletin.com

Signs of an Abusive Relationship - Can Be Difficult to Analyze Or Describe Because of Confusion

There are many signs of an abusive relationship I will be highlighting here.

Before I go into the signs of an abusive relationship I want to make a point I think is very important.

Often these days we hear that abuse in relationships is just as likely to be perpetrated by women as much as men. As such some think it is unfair to focus on men as the perpetrators.

To put this in perspective let us look at some of the abusive relationship statistics that are well known.

Firstly, we know that at least 1 in 3 women throughout the world is in an abusive relationship.

Secondly, 3 women are killed every day in the States by a partner/ex-partner/cohabiting male. In Australia 1 woman is killed every 5 days. Only yesterday a woman and her daughter were found dead at the bottom of a cliff near Sydney having been thrown there by her husband.

At least 5000 women and girls are killed each year in so called 'honor killings', often after having been raped by a member of their own family.

Countless numbers of women are terrorized by partners/ex-partners every day.

Women are raped regularly by husbands/partners/boyfriends. It is often not seen as being rape but this is what it amounts to as many women are afraid of what might happen if they don't 'come across' as it were.

These abusive relationship statistics highlight the reality that men are more likely to be the perpetrators and women the victims.

To suggest that women are just as likely to be abusive in a relationship as men is not accurate. It is what I would call a 'red herring', that is to say it takes us away from dealing with the real problem and arriving at a solution.

That is not to deny that there may be occasions when women are the perpetrators in an abusive relationship.

I find, when you start looking at relationships, there are so many signs of an abusive relationship as there is such a wide range of abuse.

In this section I want to focus on the signs of an abusive relationship that do not include the physical abuse. My purpose for doing this is that when discussing abusive relationships it is the physical abuse that gets focused on more often than not to the exclusion of other abusive behavior.

Often the person on the receiving end does not detect the abuse as it can be difficult to analyze or describe. This can be especially so when they have been told repeatedly they are the one at fault.

This can lead to confusion and lack of confidence and believing that the one being abused is somehow responsible.

I recall seeing a woman as a client at one stage whose husband was an ogre in the home. He was not physically violent but he treated her and their two children appallingly. Early on in the session I said to her "it has nothing to do with you."

From that point on she was transfixed, and even though we talked of other things, she came back to me several times during the session and said "you mean it has nothing to do with me?"

She had been convinced by him that she was at fault and that is why he treated her and the children so badly.

Other signs of an abusive relationship are when women are put down in all sorts of ways. They are told they are no good in bed, no good as cooks, no good as mothers etc.,etc.

They are told they are sluts, whores, bitches, nymphomaniacs.

When men demonstrate they think they can do whatever they want with no regard for their partners, these are signs of an abusive relationship.

I believe not sharing in domestic and parenting responsibilities is unfair and constitutes signs of an abusive relationship.

I was speaking with a woman recently, who teaches at an elite school, and she told me her highly paid professional ex husband who abused her in a range of ways, never cooked once during their eleven year marriage.

Men who are aggressive by means of tempers, anger or moodiness, demonstrate signs of an abusive relationship. Also when all sorts of threats are made. Such as threats to kill the woman or kill himself if she were to leave.

Throwing objects, slamming doors very forcefully, punching holes in walls etc., are signs of an abusive relationship.

There are so many signs, I could go on and on. Another one is where women are isolated and cut off from their family and friends. Their whereabouts is questioned all the time.

The question often asked is, "why are so many men like this?" In my view the answers given a lot of the time, are not very helpful.

Signs of an abusive relationship are a manifestation about the belief that males are superior to females and can treat them any way they want. Any other explanation is totally inadequate.

Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police, politicians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work. He is the author of "How To Have An Extraordinary Relationship." His website is http://www.relationship-tips-for-you.com

Friend Or Daughter in an Abusive Relationship - 3 Secrets to Saving Your Relationship With Them

Why do we hate victims of domestic abuse?

We hate the hold their perpetrators have over them when it interferes with us getting what love and affection we are accustom to receiving from them.

We hate the frustration of not being able to shake them awake. We hate their choosing to be controlled over the life they had before their abusive relationship.

We don't hate them. We hate what their abusive relationship means to us.

How can we reconcile their choice without it further compromising our relationship with them?

The answer to this question can ultimately save your relationship with them. And moreover, potentially save them as well.

A) Remember they are the keeper of their temple, and they are ultimately responsible to and for their choices.

B) Our ability to honor their position is as important to the well-being of our relationship with them as our motivation to rock their boat.

C) After we have expressed our opinions, played our hand, disclosed the facts we observe, provided the appropriate domestic abuse resources, etc., the rest is theirs.

Relationships are dynamic. As we can remain there for our loved one in an abusive relationship, we can be there when they are ready to grab our hand for help. But until that time, we must be mindful of whom we are helping if we reach out from our own losses.

What can happen if we bully our help with abused loved ones?

Some people believe in the "tough love" approach to helping loved ones in an abusive relationship. However more often than not, this backfires. 

It tells the abused to exercise caution when they are on the outward stroke of the relationship, because candor says "you're right." And when the time comes when you are needed most, you maybe the last person to be called. Ultimately, you may very well  nourish the sinking of the lifeboat that you could have been for your friend or loved one in an abusive relationship.

Keep the lifeboat afloat and enjoy whatever elements of relationship you have with your loved one while on the inward as well as the outward stroke of an abusive relationship.

Domestic violence comes in all shapes and sizes...all levels of danger, oppression and control. There is no one other than the victim in an abusive relationship that knows their situation better than themselves.

As we trust and respect that, we give them what is probably missing in their abusive relationship and we model what we so earnestly long for them to have.

For more information about helping others who are in abusive relationships, see Stop Domestic Abuse Helping Others Break the Cycle, where you can also claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in court. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

?2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention