Controlling Relationship - It is Important to Realize This is an Abusive Relationship

A controlling relationship can have a huge impact on your life. It can limit you in so many ways and you end up feeling stressed, unhappy, and depressed.

It is important to emphasize this type of relationship comes into the category of an abusive relationship. This needs to be stated as there are many people who would not realize this.

When you know this, it is vital to examine the primary components of an abusive relationship and see how this relates to a controlling relationship.

Firstly, it means the controlling behavior is a way of dominating and holding power over the other person in the relationship.

It is usually the man who acts in such a way as this way of being tends to flow on from a belief that men are in charge in relationships and leads to a controlling relationship.

Taking on the aspect of being in charge follows from the commonly held belief, that men have a superior status or position and is seen as a way of supporting a controlling relationship.

Many men take on these beliefs because, not surprisingly, we are instructed to think this way, and encouraged to develop personalities where we dominate, leading to controlling in relationships.

It is even suggested this dominating and controlling behavior, that a lot of men display in relationships, is explained in such ways that it is due to their disposition, character, personality, makeup etc.

The only conclusion you could draw from such explanations about a controlling person in a relationship, is, that this is to be expected, and has to be accepted, and allowances need to be made.

There you are!! If you are experiencing signs of a controlling relationship, I'm sure that makes you feel a whole lot better and you now know how you can lead your life!!

Only kidding!! However, one does hear such things as women have to recognize how different men are from them, and the way to deal with some issues in relationships, is to make allowances for the controlling in relationships.

Before proceeding I need to say that these days we often hear such things as women in relationships can be as controlling and dominating as men in relationships.

My response to that is - poppycock! That is nonsense! I will acknowledge there are exceptions, but there is no comparison.

Throughout the world every day, women are killed, raped and live in fear. The culprits are the men who are their husbands/partners/boyfriends, who have been dominating and controlling them in their relationships.

Statistics tell us that 1 in 3 women throughout the world is subjected to abuse in their relationship. This is a huge problem and very little is being done about it.

I believe if we can find solutions to this dominating and controlling behavior in relationships, we can change the world and I want to be part of that process.

In fact, I personally think there is a solution to a controlling relationship. The issue is, for this to happen, men have to be open to the process, a lot of men are not.

Unfortunately, as it stands, with this dominating and controlling behavior in relationships that is widespread throughout the world, it is a lose/lose situation for everyone involved.

The solution that is available is a win/win for everyone. One of the things that gets in the way is the view that is very common and that is everything is a win/lose. That is if you're not winning you're losing.

In other words if men are caught up in dominating and controlling in relationships, they can think that if they are not doing that, then they are going to be dominated and controlled. It is like everything is a competition, and there are only winners and losers.

Are you ready for the solution - drum roll please! The thing about this is that it can seem anticlimactic, as it is not such a big deal, but the consequences are gigantic.

The solution to this whole thing about dominating, controlling and holding power over in
relationships, is to accept that as men and women we are of equal status!

There you have it! Doesn't seem such a big deal does it? Seems so simple. Yet I'm sure when this is in place throughout the world the changes will be phenomenal and there will no longer be any need for dominating and controlling in relationships.

Leo Ryan has been a relationship counselor for more than twenty years.He discovered inequality is a major problem and his focus is How To Have Equality in a Relationship. Go to his website: http://www.TheEqualRelationshipGuy.com and get a Free report about how to solve a common example of inequality in a relationship.

Time To Leave Your Toxic Relationship - Abusive Boyfriend

If you have been with your long time boyfriend who is abusive towards you, then it is time to leave your toxic relationship and stop putting yourself through undeserved torture. You are human, and you have feelings and self-worth. Being with some who is abusive towards you will only kill your self-esteem. You can only put up with the behavior for a certain limit but if it takes place constantly, you are only letting the abuse to break you down bit by bit without you realizing it. A relationship is suppose to be healthy, happy and bring out the best in you.

Time will not change him

One thing you cannot do is to change your boyfriend. Nobody can change anybody and if you try, it will only result to a fight or just a temporary result. However, you can change your reaction towards your boyfriend's abusive attitude towards you. Instead of giving in and letting him walk all over you until he is contented, you can change your attitude and stop him from having control when he starts to abuse you.

Give him a chance

You may think it is brutal to walk out on him just because he yells at you or just hit you. That is still unacceptable and you should find a time to talk to him when he is in a good mood. Talk through about what you can and cannot tolerate and why is he hurting you. If he didn't realize his actions, he will take note of what you say and try to control his behavior. If he threatens you, give you excuses like it was just a small deal and continue to behave like that, then you should remind yourself that he's got his chance and he blew it. You have every right to walk out on him.

Be firm

Maybe you are his object of gaining his confidence. If you have given him another chance but he blew it and is begging you to go back to him, don't soften your heart. In fact, to avoid such a dilemma, you should cut off all contacts from him and don't allow you to pester you and make you unsure of your decision.

A relationship is a two way thing. Besides trust and honesty, respect is crucial for a healthy relationship. It is common for people to lose self confidence, developed self-hatred and have distorted view of their self-worth if they had been affected by an abusive relationship. If your boyfriend is taking you for granted and is hurting you, then it is time to leave your abusive relationship.

Lea Anne helps her girlfriends by playing the role of Aunt Agony to help them by giving out her insights on relationship problems.For more of her write ups on dating and relationship advice, check out Healing From Your Break Up and the list of best guides.

5 Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship

You'd think it would be simple enough to know if you are in an abusive relationship. Everyone has a clear idea of what domestic violence looks like. Most of the time, they would be right in their assessment - except, perhaps, when assessing relationships that are exclusively mentally, and emotionally, abusive.

Most of the time you would be right in your assessment or whether or not a relationship is abusive except...

When it comes to your own.

There is a widespread, dangerous, tendency to underestimate the importance of mental and emotional abuse. Because a degree of verbal abusiveness is commonplace in our society, it is interpreted as "normal".

In reality, being common doesn't make something normal, or acceptable. Being common doesn't make it any less deplorable. But, on the interpersonal level, we all tend to minimize the importance of bullying, hurtful, or destructive words and behavior.

How does that pan out in intimate abusive relationships?

It means the abused party in the relationship takes the longest time to realize the true nature of their relationship.

Nobody ever wants to believe that "it" has happened to them. The first law of abusive relationships is this: "abusive relationships happen to other people, less fortunate than me, a long, long way from here."

Sign 1

That brings us to the first sign. You spend a fair amount of your time justifying your partner's behaviour to other people, and telling yourself that things really aren't all that bad. Perhaps it's not that bad because at least he doesn't hit you; or, perhaps, he only hits you when he's drunk, or really angry; or, maybe, he only treats you like dirt every once in a while.

And that makes it almost okay... doesn't it?

And almost okay is almost good enough...

Or, at least, that's what you try to tell yourself.

That line of argument is correctly called "minimizing". It requires you to ignore, deny, or underplay the seriousness of your partner's ill treatment. At the same time, you exaggerate his charms, his qualities, and the love you share - allegedly.

(As a general principle, when someone treats you like their worst enemy, it suggests that whatever love there was has become pretty threadbare.)

Sign 2

You feel as if you are walking on eggshells a lot of the time.

Your partner's mood can change, in the blink of an eye. When it does, things get ugly, emotionally and/or physically. Of course, when that happens, it's all your fault. You provoked your abusive partner by overstepping the mark. You know that because he told you so.

In fact, he tells you that every time he explodes. That's why you're walking on eggshells. Somehow, you never manage to get it right for terribly long. If only you could, you would earn his love and appreciation - allegedly.

Sign 3

You've put your own life on hold.

In an abusive relationship, you spend your life trying to please your partner - or, at least, trying not to displease him. The net result is that his feelings, wishes, and responses become much more important than your own.

This is the deal: your abusive partner expects you to fit your life around his. If that means you don't have much of a life, then so be it. As a woman, your most important role is to service your partner. That's his belief, and you tend to agree with it. All you would like is a little acknowledgement, and the occasional sign of affection.

You expect to sacrifice yourself for your children. You see that as normal. It becomes difficult when you have to juggle his needs and the children's.

He has to feel that he is the priority, at all times - which leaves you with no time, or energy, to look after yourself.

Sign 4

You really don't believe you could ever manage without him.

In an abusive relationship, your partner tells you how inadequate you are, over and over again - that's what makes you so incredibly lucky to have him.

That's what he tells you; and that's what you come to believe.

So, you end up disliking yourself as much as he dislikes you. And you end up believing you are as inadequate as he says you are. Which means you end up relying on your abusive relationship for your very survival.

That's why you feel stuck, with no room for manoeuvre, between a rock and a hard place.

Sign 5

You've become a shadow of the woman you once were.

You don't laugh any more. You don't have friends you let close to you - because you wouldn't want them to know what really goes on. Besides, you have probably forgotten how to let someone get close to you.

You're anxious the whole time. Perhaps you abuse food, or alcohol, or feel depressed most of the time. Certainly, you feel drained and empty.

The worst thing is you've stopped dreaming. You've stopped envisioning a future in which your dreams, hopes, and ambitions will ever come true.

You've stopped hoping for pretty much everything - apart from him turning back into the man you fell in love with.

Your life has become an emotional desert. But still you might be asking yourself: "Is this emotional abuse?"

If you recognise the signs, you're in an abusive relationship

If you recognise the 5 signs, rest assured not only are you in an abusive relationship, but it's taken a severe toll on your emotional health. Your abusive relationship has left you feeling weak, worthless, and unlovable. That's exactly what an abusive relationship is designed to do. An abusive relationship exists to satisfy the craving for power and control of the abusive partner. That's bad news, certainly, but it's not hopeless.

Let the 5 signs of an abusive relationship, finally, sound the alarm for you. However bad it's been, and however long it's gone on, you're not too late to get out, get over it, and create a joyful life for yourself.

If you've been stuck in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship, leading Emotional Abuse Recovery Expert, Dr Annie Kaszina, can help.

Annie has given many hundreds of women, worldwide, the courage to make changes in their life, believe in their own value, trust their own judgements, and create healthy relationships for themselves. Find out more and sign up for your free 7 day e-course: "7 Things You Need To Know To Truly Heal" at: http://www.RecoverFromEmotionalAbuse.com

Battering and Abusive Relationships - 5 Insights For Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Abuse

When you're not serving up what your abusive partner desires, what happens? The tension grows until he/she smacks you-emotionally, verbally or physically-as though to shake you awake and release the conflict within him/her. Sound familiar?

If you're living in an abusive relationship with your intimate partner, your child, or some other family member or friend, you know these dynamics like the back of your hand.

Also note that having words for them is another thing. Read on to clarify these points of conflict in your abusive relationship so you may better cope with your own personal experience.

1) The assault is not about you. Rather, it is the other person's maneuver to bring about comfort within themselves. In that moment, the battering person is seeking to resolve their own felt loss of control wherein they are not getting what they long to obtain.

2) The battering is truly a means to an end and not the end in itself. You may notice as the battering is delivered, it can be released without any relationship to the context from which the conflict emerged.

3) The batterer shows a marked release of inward tension following the assault. And you are left wondering why the heck this person is having the appearance of well-being... all in the face of your demise.

4)You feel violated and confused. You experience the hurt...the ouch... yet it's complicated. Unlike stubbing your toe, wherein you know the connection between the blow and its impact, this hurt confuses you. You don't know if you're being punished, poorly treated or if something in you contributed to the delivered assault.

5) BOTTOM LINE: Beware not to assume responsibility for the battering. If you do, you are enabling the abuse dynamic. Why? Because it then becomes your "Job" to alter the state of affairs preceding the assault. And we know that state of affairs exists within the batterer.

For more information about healing from and signs of abusive relationships, browse our resources at http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/ebooks.php, and get Free Instant Access to your survivor success eInsights.

Dr Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010, Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Abusive Relationship Healing - 5 Tips For Lifting Depression After Your Abusive Relationship

It is common knowledge that when one is beaten down, they feel beaten down. So it's no wonder that domestic abuse survivors frequently suffer from depression. We see this in individuals living in an abusive relationship, and in those having left their abuser.

What is it that makes it possible for these people to heal their depression? The following actions to avoid, and steps to take, are essential to the resolution of depression for domestic abuse survivors.

1) Stop Negative self-talk

Even though you might be accustomed to hearing how you can't, you won't, you don't, you aren't, there is no need for you to pick up where s/he left off. Doing so only sustains the battering. Only difference is it's from the inside out.

2) Un-shoulder responsibility for battering

Un-shoulder any remnants of your shouldering responsibility for the abuse. Battering is fully owned, operated and controlled by the perpetrator and no one else. Your willingness to shoulder the responsibility for the abuse is part of what keeps the abuse dynamic going. Let it go! It's not yours.

3) Avoid self-deprivation

Self-deprivation may have been the norm in your former kingdom and that's where it must remain. One may be accustom to being consumed by, and preoccupied with, taking care of the needs of the "other" (a demanding perpetrator), rather than recognizing and caring for oneself. This keeps you in the "I am abused position." Instead, it is time to know, honor and nourish yourself in every way, shape and form that is physically possible for you.

4) Cultivate Self-compassion

When the blow hurts and the pain aches, embrace it. Running from it prevents it from resolving itself. Exercise self-compassion. Be with yourself just as you would be with a small child who is wounded in a playground.

5) Find and rekindle that which you love...that comes from within

"That comes from within" is the key to this one. Now this may be the hard one because so much time has been spent on not recognizing anything is within. It is of utmost importance that you find that which you love...that comes from within, and make this your primary focus. As you focus on it, it will expand. You know what you focus on expands. That which we bring energy to brings more of it onto us.

Bonus Tip: Focus on what you have; not what you don't have. You've been inundated with the message that you aren't enough...you're amiss in this, that and the other. Over time you develop the habit of seeing yourself as the half-empty cup. Shift your perspective and see yourself as the half-full cup. With this your cup will fill with more of what is right with you.

If you do all of these things, your depression will lift.

And under that you will discover the goodness that you are, the happiness you can be and your love of life again. For more domestic violence healing insights, claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people identify, end and heal abusive relationships.

© 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D. PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

How Abusive Action Can Destroy Relationship

Abusive relationship is the most destructive form of a relationship. It is not even a relationship, it is just wrong actions and behavior repeatedly done to a person or to a group of people. The action can be done in physical or in verbal and they are both deadly.

Usually a person uses physical abuse as the way to make them feel in control over their partner. They thought by power they can win their control and respect from their partner but eventually it just bring disrespect and hatred from their partner. They use pain as their weapon to win against their partner.

Verbal abusive means using harsh and negative words to another person. Yelling, shouting and sometimes bullying is the most common practice of verbal abusive. They mock the person and keep on taunting them with threats, taunts and so on. They sometimes can hurt people worse than physical abuse because they hurt the person feeling and it can distract their confidence and disturb their self-esteem.

Dealing with that kind of person need extra patience and understanding. You have to prepare your self well if you face these type of people. You have to address the problem right because it is not the person that you do not like but it is their behavior that you do not like. You care about him or her and that is why you want them to change because you know that they need to change if they want to be a better person.

Jaxky Lim wants to share his knowledge about home and kitchen appliances. Based on real life experiences, his Black and Decker blender parts site is created to share those resources so men and women all around the world can benefit from it.

Domestic Violence and Self-Esteem - Conditioned Disassociation in Abusive Relationships

Abused intimate partners do come in all shapes and sizes, and most definitely there are some themes characterizing them. Some people will tell you low self-esteem is one of these characteristics. But what came first: the chicken or the egg?

I would venture to say it could go either way. I see an inordinate number of highly functioning, high-end professionals, well educated and with a six-figure income who are abused by their intimate partners.

What I notice is these women and men evidence "conditioned disassociation." This conditioning is how he/she grows to disregard him/herself.

Over time, the abused partner grows to see him/herself as they are told they are seen by their intimate partners. And much approval is received for this "internalized personal perception."

But when apart from the abusive partner, these individuals may drop the internalized personal perception and become who they really are. They are authentic, they are vital, they are themselves at least until they return to their abusive partners.

So what came first the chicken or the egg? Looking closer, as we have, opens the door for significant insight on how to shed the internalized personal perception of the abusive partner. Doing so gives new life to those once abused.

If you find yourself becoming what your former partner expected, and in many cases desired, recognize the operative conditioning in play. I've heard people say they became depressed following an encounter with an abuser they recently left.

It's noted that the depressed feeling is the "face" put on in the presence of that person as though reflexively becoming as expected by the former partner. And with that down-depressed radiance set in the genuine feeling of the blues.

Reach back for yourself above and beyond the expectation and desire of the abusive ex-partner. You'll be pleasantly surprised and happy you did.

If you want deeper understanding of what maintains and what prevents abusive relationships, see the Intimate Partner Abuse Screen®
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals, families and healthcare professionals recognize and end domestic abuse.

© 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.
PreventAbusiveRelationships.com
EndDomesticAbuse.org

Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship - Be Very Quiet

You don't get the full gist of it in the beginning of the relationship. And as far as your significant other is concerned you are not supposed to. If you did than the chances of you still being in the relationship would drop considerably.

So they went about sweeping you off of your feet and did their best to hide their true nature. It worked because you fell in love with them and decided to make a go of things.

But you cannot shake the thought that everything is not what it appears and that includes your significant other. At times you can feel the tension but you are hard pressed to explain why it hangs in the air.

Are you in an abusive relationship but just don't know it yet? There are signs that may be pointing in that direction.

1. Their Rage

We all get angry but when you significant other loses it they really lose it. There are periods during their ranting and raving where they seem totally out of control. Besides what they wind up getting angry about is so trivial in nature that you have a hard time comprehending why something like that would them off.

2. Post Rage

Your significant other has cooled off. Everything appears to be back to normal but you can tell from their body language they are still peeved. Hours or even days later they still have not gotten over it. You make an effort to talk about it but that just sets them off again. There also does not seem to be any self reflection or remorse. In their opinion, they are right and anybody who cannot see that is blind or just plain ignorant. As time goes on their feelings toward whatever set them off start to harden even more.

3. Waiting For the Storm Again

How does their rage make you feel? Do you brush it off as one of those things that you are prepared to handle if it happens again or do you feel yourself whether intentional or not walking on egg shells? If it makes you afraid to the point that you don't feel comfortable expressing yourself openly then there is a problem out there which could get a lot worse.

For more information on abusive relationships please visit The Relationship Tip. Article written by Daryl Campbell.

How to Recognize an Abusive Woman

Has anyone else noticed how over the last decade or so there has been an emergence of abusive women in relationships, many times this abuse goes unreported and is hardly ever talked about by the men who suffer from an abusive woman. This article is designed to help you recognize the signs of an abusive woman so that you can remove yourself from the relationship and save yourself heartache, legal troubles and all of the other negative aspects of being in a relationship with an abusive woman.

One of the first signs of an abusive woman is if she is a bully. Oftentimes the bullying woman will be at her worst in private and seemed to be great and public. If you are in a relationship with a woman that explodes if she doesn't get her way or is unable to control you chances are you are in an abusive relationship. The woman that believes uses emotional threats, intimidation and verbal assaults to get what she wants. Remember, a woman does not need to be physically abusive toward you in order to be considered abusive. Bullying is a common sign of somebody with a narcissistic personality as it makes them feel powerful to make you feel bad. If you are in this type of relationship it's a no-win situation and you should look at getting out.

Another powerful sign that you are in an abusive relationship is if the woman consistently has unreasonable expectations. Let's be clear here, I'm not talking about a woman that is asking you to get a job or take out the trash. If you are in a relationship with a woman who truly has unreasonable expectations you will know it right off the bat. No matter how hard you try to make her happy, it's never enough. This unreasonable abusive woman expects you to drop what you are doing no matter how much of an inconvenience is to you and constantly is placing demands on you that you could never achieve or fulfill. The unreasonable abusive woman is constantly saying things like "you don't spend enough time with me," "you never listen to me," "you're not romantic enough," the list goes on and on no one will ever be enough for this type of abusive woman.

Denial or downplaying is also a common trait of an abusive woman. This is when the woman you are in a relationship with denies what has happened once you try and bring it up with her after the fact. This is possibly one of the most personally damaging things you can allow yourself to be exposed to as you eventually end up thinking that you are the one that is crazy and not her. You will find yourself questioning if things were really as bad as you remember them as she is always saying things like "I never said that", "I didn't do that", "that's not how it happened". If you are in a relationship where both parties can't reasonably sit down after a spirit in argument and apologize when they were out of line this is a good sign that you are in a relationship with an abusive woman.

Another thing to watch out for is getting into a relationship with a woman that is addicted to conflict. These types of women can be some of the most attractive in the first ages of dating and the hardest to discover as abusive women. When you meet them they are in the midst of some horrible situation where they themselves are the victim and you quickly become their hero saving them from this horrible situation. As time goes by you begin to learn that you are in a relationship with a woman that is addicted to chaos and conflict and brings drama into every aspect of her life. You quickly go from being her knight in shining armor to the cause of all her problems and woes in life.

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What You Can Do to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship

What can you do if someone you know is in an abusive relationship?

The first thing to realize is that the best option for anyone is to leave an abusive relationship. Leaving is the only real solution to this problem. Any other solution is not very good. Even if the abuser somehow has a radical awakening and becomes nice, the hurt the person went through will stay with them forever.

The best help is to strongly encourage them to leave and support them.

So the way to help someone is to tell them you think they should leave their abuser. You tell them you care about them and will help in whatever way you can. Be honest with how much you can help. Maybe they could stay with you for a few days. Maybe you could give them some money to tide them over. Maybe you can come to their house and remove them from the abuser.

The least you can do is to point them towards articles like this and books that explain how harmful it is to be abused. Every person deserves to live a good life free from abuse and information from people like me who were abused, who lived to talk about it and are so much better for leaving help.

You can tell the person that their life will be better after leaving. That is the truth.

I was married to a verbally abusive woman who I eventually had to leave. The way I was able to get strong enough to leave was to continuously read about verbal and mental abuse and how it was so harmful to a person. I read articles like this on the internet and books at the bookstore and the library.

When a person is being verbally abused they are just trying to survive. Thinking about all the possibilities in life does not hold very much meaning because the day-to-day pain of being verbally abused causes depression and a sense of dread and anxiety. Life is just not that good.

You can forward them the links to these types of articles. Please be careful with this. If the abuser sees this they will make the abused persons life more miserable. You really have to be careful. An abusive person is not a normal, nice person. They have issues and you do not know what they are capable of.

About the Author:

Hans Hallanger is The Organized Man. Check out the link http://www.organized-way.com/leave-your-wife.html to learn more about the eBook "How to Leave Your Wife."

Healing Victimization Habits of Abusive Relationships - Whose Problem is Your "No?"

When I say, "No" to a request of yours, whose problem is it? Is it your problem or is it mine?

Your answer to this question can give you insight into whether you are in an abusive relationship. It is also the answer to whether you are still practicing habits of victimization.

When My "No" Is My Problem

For example, let's imagine that your partner makes a request and your immediate reaction is one of "uneasiness" wherein your gut is saying "no." Yet, you hesitate in putting that out there, and instead you keep it to yourself and yield to his request.

In this scenario, you have made your "no" your problem. You have attached consequences to your saying "no" to your partner's request that have negative implications for you. Essentially, you have made your "no" your issue-your problem.

But the fact is your "no" is not your problem. It's the other person's problem...unless you are dealing with someone who makes it your problem, as in the case of abusive relationships.

When My "No" Is Your Problem

Now imagine someone asking something of you wherein you experience that same uneasy feeling that tells you, "I don't want this...This is not for me...My choice is 'no'." And you simply relay that to the person making the request without becoming attached to and entangled in how they deal with your "no."

You may be mindful that your response will not be to the other person's liking, but you don't reflexively make that your problem. Instead, you trust that the other person will find it within himself/herself to cope with your reply without it having negative consequences for you.

Moreover, you trust that in clearly stating your preferences on the matter in question, you enhance the relationship. You are giving yourself permission to be genuine with that person, and you're giving them an opportunity to know you and your preferences.

Breaking Habits of Victimization

When you feel as though you need to regulate the other person's reaction to your involvement in the relationship, then you are cooperating in creating a dysfunctional interaction. You are supporting an arrangement that provides for the existence of one person in the relationship. And in doing this, you eliminate the other-yourself.

If you are in an abusive relationship or have been in an abusive relationship, you may have cultivated habits of victimization that support your being disempowered in relation to others. When you break these habits, you will discover how satisfying it is to be yourself in relation to others.

For more information about breaking the habits of victimization and healing abusive relationships, visit http://www.domesticabusetreatment.com and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide recognize, end and heal from spousal abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Controlling Relationships - The Choice of Control in Abusive Relationships

Physical dependence, emotional dependence and financial dependence are characteristics we see in battered women. Physical control, emotional control and financial control are characteristics common to abusive relationships. 

When we think of the word dependence, in adult relationships in which both parties are physically healthy, we imply choice. When we think of the word control, we deny the reality of choice and instead claim victimization. 

But the fact is that we choose to be controlled, just as we choose our dependencies. In working with battered women, I am keenly aware that they know of the choices they make in their abusive relationships. I certainly did in mine. 

Here are some steps you can take toward your independence and self-sufficiency before and during an abusive relationship. 

1) Make it a habit to have an activity or handful of activities that you do on your own without requiring the help or assistance of anyone else. 

2) Establish and maintain a friendship with an adult outside of your intimate relationship. This can be a family member, a coworker, a parent of your children's friends or a neighbor, physician or hairdresser. 

3) Maintain your own money. Even if it is only a small amount, place some funds in an account (saving or storage) that you and only you control. 

Now you may think that it is impossible to accomplish the above because your partner does not allow you to have separate funds, your own friends, nor independent personal passions. It is the nature of the beast. 

Make it your job early on in your relationship to groom your partner to appreciate the fact that you have money of your own, friends of your own and things you enjoy doing outside of your relationship. The sooner you do this, the less likely you will fall prey to the entrapment of an abusive relationship.

For more information about domestic abuse dynamics, visit www.EndDomesticAbuse.org/identify_domestic_abuse.php and get Free Instant Access to survivor success eInsights. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention.

Why Do Women Stay In Abusive Relationships?

If you have a loved one in an abusive relationship, the worry and often guilt can be almost overwhelming. Why would they choose this person? Should I have said something earlier? Why didn't I sense what their partner was really like when I first met them? What should I be doing now?

The questions will eat you alive if you let them.

However, the important thing to focus on is what you can do now to help them get out of the situation and what you can do in the future to help them not get into a situation like that again.

As far as what you can do now, the main thing is just to let the person know that you are there to support them. Don't pressure them to make the decision you want them to. Also, don't pressure them to be in touch with you, to follow through on plans, or anything else that they may have become unreliable at doing. They are under constant pressure from their abusive partner, as well as probably other people in their life. You want them to think of you as the one person they can always turn to, no matter what. In this way, they will be much more likely to turn to you for help if and when they do make the difficult decision to leave their abusive relationship.

A sad reality is that people tend to repeat unhealthy patterns in their life. Therefore, a scary possibility is that you might again find yourself watching your friend begin a relationship with a dangerous partner.

Hopefully, though, you will find yourself better prepared to spot the danger signs having been through it before. Also hopefully, your friend might be more likely to trust you after you have helped them once before.

The important thing to remember is to value your friend and let them know you are there for them.

To find out more about why women stay in abusive relationships and how you can help, visit http://squidoo.com/abusiverelationships

Leave a Psychologically Abusive Relationship - 5 Steps to Success

A psychologically abusive, "toxic" relationship can be hard to define. However its effects can be as devastating as physical abuse. Lower self esteem, a feeling of helplessness and being trapped, and depression can result from repeated exposure to this kind of relationship. Fortunately, there are strategies to help you detach from a toxic relationship:

1. Listen to your gut instinct. If you feel badly around your partner, and worse about yourself, be aware this is not normal and should be paid attention to. A healthy relationship has conflict, but it should not leave you feeling awful about yourself on a regular basis. Verbal put downs may be blatant or subtle, public or private, but they are always damaging.

2. Listen to your trusted friends and family. These are the people who love you and know you best. If they express concern about the way you are being treated, pay attention to what they are saying. Remember, if they are people you are happy and safe around, they do not have the agenda to control your life like your toxic partner does.

3. Make advance preparations. If you are considering leaving, be sure you have a plan in place that includes making copies of all important records and documents and getting a credit card and a bank account in your own name. It is important to remove as much of your practical dependency on your partner as you can.

4. Gather professional resources around you. Enlist the services of a reputable attorney, a good counselor, a naturopath, and other support persons who can help you transition from hopelessness to empowerment. This network will help you successfully navigate the emotional and practical hurdles ahead.

5. Keep plans to yourself. Other than your trusted inner circle, keep plans to leave private from your abusive partner. He or she will only try to talk you out of leaving and employ whatever tactic necessary to prevent you from leaving. Remember, the most dangerous and difficult time in an abusive relationship is when you are leaving. If you have any fear for your safety or the safety of your loved ones, please consult with a mental health professional or women's crisis line in your area before leaving.

Relationship problems often go hand-in-hand with depression. For a free copy of my ebook, "Natural Methods To Fight Depression", click here: http://www.stoptoxicrelationships.com/gifts-naturalmethodstofightdepression.html

Shannon Cook is a personal growth and relationship expert who has written a number of informative articles and ebooks on the topic of toxic relationships and holistic personal growth, including physical, emotional and relationship health.

Rescuing Your Ex From an Abusive Relationship

No matter how hard it may be to lose your ex to another it is even more painful when they are involved in an abusive situation and you are not sure how to rescue them. Not only are you longer the center of their life but the person they are with are just plain bad news. No one deserves to be treated carelessly.

Even if your primary goal is not to get your ex back you certainly don't want to see them involved in a demoralizing relationship. Don't just set back judging her poor choice, decide to do something about it. You need to make sure she understands she deserves better from someone, especially someone that she professes to love. Convincing her that you are only looking out for her with no alternative motives may proof a little tricky. Be sure you are not doing it for you own selfish gain. No matter the reasons, the bottom line is she needs some help.

Often people involved in these type of relationships really don't want to be rescued and see it as their due. However if the relationship appears to be one in which she could be physically in danger you need to do all within your power to make her understand this.

Sometimes people fall into a pattern of accepting abusive behavior. You may just prove to be a safe haven for her should she ever need one. Let her know you can be trusted. If in the past you had a good relationship then she will be keen to listen to you. If you were not the most stellar boyfriend do whatever you can to show her you turned over a new leaf. Once she perceives she can lean on you she will be ready to heed your advice. Show her through your actions that she deserves kind treatment. Abusive people depend on belittling others and she may have come to believe she deserves unfair treatment. Remember her self esteem has suffered because of being mistreated.

Even if you have no romantic concerns for her, just for old time's sake she deserves better treatment. Showing her that she needs rescuing with no strings attached will help put her mind at ease. If you do still have feelings for her keep those in confidence as you may only make things worse for her. Often the abusive person will become very possessive and may hurt her even further. Their jealous streaks run long and deep. It they sense a lack of control they may spiral into more dangerous behavior patterns.

Above all else value her safety first. She is in trouble and needs your help. Don't turn away from her. Sure things could get ugly but you need to step up to the plate.

Not only is there a chance you may get her back, you may even save her life.

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Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

An inventory, which has been administered to approximately 100 women known to have been abused by their partners, has yielded a consistent response, such as "I didn't know I was being abused until I took the test. I thought my relationship was normal but just had some problems."

Very many women are suffering quietly in an outrageous relationship because they do not even realize that they are being abused. They have become so compliant through abuse beginning in childhood that cannot detect abnormal treatment.

For this reason, Dr. Heyward Ewart has listed 34 questions for women to ask themselves to determine if their relationship is abusive. Ewart, an experienced clinician, offers these questions to help women realize their potential plight:

1. Are you afraid of your partner?

2. Do you feel as though you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep your partner from getting grouchy?

3. Has your partner ever hit, slapped, or pushed you?

4. Do your feel you deserve to be punished?

5. Do you ever have the feeling you've done something wrong but you don't know what it is?

6. Have you lost respect or love for your partner?

7. Are you ever afraid your partner will hurt the children?

8. Have you ever daydreamed of killing or disabling your partner?

9. Is your partner good to you some or most of the time but suddenly gets scary?

10. Are the children afraid of your partner?

11. Does your partner ever tell you you're crazy?

12. Has your partner ever threatened to hurt you?

13. Do you ever fear you may be seriously hurt by your partner?

14. Has your partner ever threatened to commit suicide?

15. Has anybody warned you to get out of the relationship?

16. Were you abused or neglected as a child?

17. Has your partner forced you to do things you don't want to do?

18. If you say "no" to your partner, is there danger?

19. Have you lost any friends due to your partner?

20. Does your partner have to approve where you go and when?

21. Have you lost a job because of your partner?

22. Does your partner stop you from doing things you want to do?

23. Does your partner doubt your word; that is, not believe you?

24. Do you feel emotionally numb?

25. Are you afraid to tell anyone what's really going on?

26. Have you ever wanted to call the police or someone else for protection?

27. Do you ever feel hopeless about your situation?

28. Have you ever thought about running away?

29. Does your partner change when using alcohol or drugs?

30. Are you forced into sex when you're not willing?

31. Do you feel like your partner's personal possession?

32. Have you ever been in a violent or controlling relationship before?

33. Was there bad fighting in the family you grew up in?

34. Are you a grown child of an alcoholic or drug abuser?

Dr. Heyward Ewart is the author of "AM I BAD? Recovering from Abuse", set for September release by Loving Healing press. This and other tests, along with the ebook version, are offered at [http://www.child-to-adult-victim.com]

Abusive Relationship Signs - Endlessly Inadequate in the Presence of Your Abusive Spouse

"When you walk through that door, my time becomes your time." Sound familiar?

The question I have is, "Is it good or is this bad?" That could go either way depending on how you experience yourself when you are with him...when you give to him...when he wants from you...when he gives to you.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you may notice that you step out when your abusive spouse steps in. It may be that you believe you need to be "all about him" when he shows up, because being about you could come with punitive consequences.

Being a Bad Person in the Presence of Your Abusive Spouse

He may only be content with your catering to him. And moreover, he may have demonstrated that no matter how much you give, it will never be enough...because he can always find something that is wrong.

He actually finds some pleasure in showing you that you are deficient...defective...inadequate. You are the absolute furthest thing from perfect being just as you are.

So, you find yourself jumping through the hoops of what you think he will want you to be, until you tire and wish deep inside that he would just go away.

Being a Good Person in the Absence of Your Abusive Spouse

Then, you observe yourself basking in ease when in his absence. You catch yourself enjoying not having to live up to his endless demands, judgments and expectations.

You stumble upon your rightness for simply being you. You discover the good person that you are. And from here, you seek to protect this good soul from him.

So when he walks through that door, you set her aside and your time becomes his time...but for the wrong reasons. This makes you resent his being there and inspires your desire for him to stay away.

Being That Good Person in the Presence of Your Abusive Spouse

What would it take for you to be that good person in his presence? What would you need from him? And, what would you need from yourself?

If you are asking these questions, you could be a candidate for an abusive relationship therapy overhaul. You and your abusive spouse could both benefit from finding the way to have you be that good person in his presence. Invariably this will open the door for you and your partner to break the cycle of intimate partner abuse.

For more information about abusive relationship therapy, visit www.DomesticAbuseCounseling.org and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide recognize, end and heal from spousal abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Warning-Signs of Abusive Relationship

The signs of abusive relationship are hardly recognizable at the beginning. Often, the symptoms are dismissed as something that is a result of a stressing day at work or a wicked encounter at the street. Besides, maladies such as this attack in sheer subtlety that no woman will ever have the opportunity to admit earlier that the threats are indeed real.

And there is really a big problem when women barely give an attention to the signals because it will surely lead to a nightmarish experience. To prevent the rate of women who have had assaulting partners, here are the telling signs of abusive relationship every woman must not fail to notice.

When a man deliberately attempts to degrade a woman's personality and self-worth it must ring an alarming bell. No man in his right mind will ever intimidate a woman through verbal abuse and emotional rape. Such men, according to psychologists are products of a past abuse that the sickness dwells within them. As a result, such men are subconsciously driven to dominate the relationship in the most unpleasant ways possible.

When the reason behind intimidation is that a man does not want to give a woman the chance to stand on her own and have the spirit to be courageous. Because when that happens, women would not be afraid to get out of the relationship and leave a man behind - that's a tell-tale sign.

What makes it even harder to deal with is that such men are adept at mustering a good image, and are constantly heroic in mien. While those men appear calm and gentlemanly in front of others, what happens within the relationship is entirely the opposite. Isn't it a torture to have a man that is warm towards other people but cold, indifferent, and disrespectful to the partner?

So when a man provides emotional turmoil, physical injuries, and withholds affection such as love, care, and passion - please, sound the alarm for the signs of abusive relationship, because it's valid, believable, and alive in the relationship.

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The 10 Tell-Tale Signs That Your Daughter is in an Abusive Relationship

How do you know if your daughter or son is in an abusive relationship? Deep down inside you know your relationship with her has changed. What puzzles you is how and why...

Here are some tell-tale signs that she is in an abusive relationship.

1) You feel her pulling back for no apparent reason.

2) You are given excuses rather than contact.

3) The door to her home and her life is closed to you more often than not.

4) You see her awkwardness when she delivers directives that appear to be the wishes of her partner.

5) You observe her to be less of herself in her partner's presence.

6) She projects a presence of "being enlisted" rather than being herself.

7) Her happiness is very much tied to her being and doing as her partner wishes.

8) You notice she makes excuses for his behavior.

9) It's apparent that her interest in protecting her newly found shrine exceeds her desire to be your family.

10) Your grandchildren are protected parties, rather than your flesh and blood.

Your adult child's marriage was expected to enhance your family, not diminish it. You wonder what you can do and how you can penetrate the barriers put before you.

If you are the parent of a daughter or son that appears to be involved in an abusive relationship, don't throw the baby out with the bath. And don't become a bull in a china shop.

By this, I mean don't give up hope of having her in your life and you in hers. And don't boldly confront your suspicion, as this will strengthen the wall between you. Seek professional help to guide you into and through what challenges both of you.

For information about helping your daughter or son in an abusive relationship, see Stop Abuse before it spirals out of control. Dr. Jeanne helps individuals and families recognize and end intimate partner abuse. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. http://www.EndDomesticAbuse.org/helping_stop_abuse.php

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

How to Know If You're in an Abusive Relationship

You may be in an abusive relationship and you don't know it. Many people are in one especially women and children. Very few voice out when something is wrong with their partner. As terrible as it is, one stays in such a situation for the fear of losing support from the partner.

Abuse is in different forms. Here is how to know if you're in an abusive relationship.

o One of the signs of abuse is when you give up on what you enjoy doing in order to please your partner. Unfortunately, most women think they have to submit to a man. The moment you start doing things so that the other one doesn't get upset with you, there's a problem. You'll then get frustrated and eventually lose interest in the relationship.

o Do you find yourself lying about your partner's behavior? Does he beat you or throw things at you when he's angry and all you do is keep quiet? I did that for many years. It is hard to get help because you want people to think you've a perfect relationship and everything is fine. Just ask yourself how long you'll go on like that. When this happens, seek help immediately. The earlier you deal with the problem the better.

o I don't know about you, but I find it very unfair when you can't express your opinion to your partner. You can't sit and talk about anything. All the decisions are made by one person. I understand that certain decisions can be made by the man but even then you both have to agree.

o Jealousy and possessiveness. You should know when this is acceptable and when it is not. A jealous man will make you feel like you're in jail because your privacy will soon be invaded. Jealousy becomes a problem when you're not allowed to see your friends, relatives or go out by yourself. Take nothing lightly.

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