Battering and Abusive Relationships - 5 Insights For Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Abuse

When you're not serving up what your abusive partner desires, what happens? The tension grows until he/she smacks you-emotionally, verbally or physically-as though to shake you awake and release the conflict within him/her. Sound familiar?

If you're living in an abusive relationship with your intimate partner, your child, or some other family member or friend, you know these dynamics like the back of your hand.

Also note that having words for them is another thing. Read on to clarify these points of conflict in your abusive relationship so you may better cope with your own personal experience.

1) The assault is not about you. Rather, it is the other person's maneuver to bring about comfort within themselves. In that moment, the battering person is seeking to resolve their own felt loss of control wherein they are not getting what they long to obtain.

2) The battering is truly a means to an end and not the end in itself. You may notice as the battering is delivered, it can be released without any relationship to the context from which the conflict emerged.

3) The batterer shows a marked release of inward tension following the assault. And you are left wondering why the heck this person is having the appearance of well-being... all in the face of your demise.

4)You feel violated and confused. You experience the hurt...the ouch... yet it's complicated. Unlike stubbing your toe, wherein you know the connection between the blow and its impact, this hurt confuses you. You don't know if you're being punished, poorly treated or if something in you contributed to the delivered assault.

5) BOTTOM LINE: Beware not to assume responsibility for the battering. If you do, you are enabling the abuse dynamic. Why? Because it then becomes your "Job" to alter the state of affairs preceding the assault. And we know that state of affairs exists within the batterer.

For more information about healing from and signs of abusive relationships, browse our resources at http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/ebooks.php, and get Free Instant Access to your survivor success eInsights.

Dr Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010, Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Domestic Violence and Self-Esteem - Conditioned Disassociation in Abusive Relationships

Abused intimate partners do come in all shapes and sizes, and most definitely there are some themes characterizing them. Some people will tell you low self-esteem is one of these characteristics. But what came first: the chicken or the egg?

I would venture to say it could go either way. I see an inordinate number of highly functioning, high-end professionals, well educated and with a six-figure income who are abused by their intimate partners.

What I notice is these women and men evidence "conditioned disassociation." This conditioning is how he/she grows to disregard him/herself.

Over time, the abused partner grows to see him/herself as they are told they are seen by their intimate partners. And much approval is received for this "internalized personal perception."

But when apart from the abusive partner, these individuals may drop the internalized personal perception and become who they really are. They are authentic, they are vital, they are themselves at least until they return to their abusive partners.

So what came first the chicken or the egg? Looking closer, as we have, opens the door for significant insight on how to shed the internalized personal perception of the abusive partner. Doing so gives new life to those once abused.

If you find yourself becoming what your former partner expected, and in many cases desired, recognize the operative conditioning in play. I've heard people say they became depressed following an encounter with an abuser they recently left.

It's noted that the depressed feeling is the "face" put on in the presence of that person as though reflexively becoming as expected by the former partner. And with that down-depressed radiance set in the genuine feeling of the blues.

Reach back for yourself above and beyond the expectation and desire of the abusive ex-partner. You'll be pleasantly surprised and happy you did.

If you want deeper understanding of what maintains and what prevents abusive relationships, see the Intimate Partner Abuse Screen®
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals, families and healthcare professionals recognize and end domestic abuse.

© 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.
PreventAbusiveRelationships.com
EndDomesticAbuse.org

Domestic Abuse - You Are Never At Fault

What you are about to discover is that there is never an excuse for abuse in relationships/marriage. Many women can be very confused about this because they are told so often they are to blame or at fault for the abuse they experience.

They hear the accusation regularly and are persuaded they are to blame or at fault. It is as if they become brainwashed that they are responsible for what happens to them and if only they behaved differently they would not be treated this way.

It gets to a point where women can feel as if they are walking on eggshells because they are never sure what they do that could result in some form of abuse.

This occurs because the abuse happens no matter what they do. Sometimes what can be okay is not at other times. What becomes predictable is that the abuser is unpredictable.

What this means is that women in these situations can be in a stressed state all the time because they never know what will happen next.

Because they are told they are to blame so often they can think it must be true. They are amazed because he does not behave this way with other people. He is so pleasant to them, even charming.

Women who are abused can think they must be to blame or at fault for the domestic abuse as this adds further weight to the accusations.

I remember one woman I saw as a client who was telling me how her husband treated her and their two young sons.

He was not physically violent, but he was abusive in a range of other ways and from what she was telling me it seems he was like a tyrant in the home.

She did not tell me he blamed her, however, very early on in the first session I had with her I said, "it has nothing to do with how you are."

I went on to say some other things, but she sat there as if transfixed and totally absorbed because of what I said, not needing to hear anything else.

After sitting there in silence for what felt like a long time, seemingly in a trance, she finally emerged from the daze and said, "are you saying it has nothing to do with me?"

I reassured her about this because she was not to blame, and he was responsible for what he did. She then described how she had been treated for years.

She was always told it was her fault, she was made to feel almost nothing was okay and she was to blame.

That is a number of years ago now and I remember her so clearly and I am amazed how emotional I become as I write this.

What I had said to her was all she needed to hear. She was able to make plans from there to get on with her life.

These people were middle class, seemingly comfortable financially, living in a "nice" house in the "right" suburb.

I should add I also saw her partner separately and he presented as the "perfect" gentleman. No acknowledgment at all about how he treated his partner.

Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police, parliamentarians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work. His website is http://www.domesticabusenotyourfault.com

Domestic violence, so that the victim selection

It is time to leave?

Are you a victim of domestic violence/intimate partner, don't take it as encouragement to stay in an abusive relationship. And also for the victims, this post is mainly targeted at all members of the family, friends and colleagues of the victims of abuse. I hope that the victims and those who interact with victims will have a comment for research.

It is customary for friends and family members to push the victim to leave. Often hear is, "never touching my daughter!" or "I'm making my business!" is that my personal experience my mom yelling at me, "will pay for this if you go and get a divorce." everything as I mentioned in my arms baby, standing in her home, while my husband was Carousing with his friends drink my son had included. I only have the levels of fear and confusion that I had worked with the time added. And I was of that quote, I would never have given birth to my daughter. Life would be incomplete, as I understand it today.

When you start promoting your own opinions and beliefs on a victim, even if not intended, it adds pressure, confusion and guilt. These may not be entered feeling that is their responsibility to do everything. You can see, we have learned already to everyone for our own well-being. The offender or offender has planned for us do just that and hitting the victim to make a selection only add their dilemma and mindset the abuse. Ironically, your good intentions can only be shown dissatisfaction of the victim.

Victims of abuse is often part of the "Walking Dead," If you want. You will pass resolutions, do what we had expected, but never stopped to consider what we can do with our lives. This is for everyone except us.

What you can do to the victim? Support them in their choices. I.e. you are not in favour of the choices you make, but you are personally in favour of the victim. Let us know you care, that their love, and that you are there-if and when ever they want to talk, or you might need your help.

Share valuable information that will help them wiser decisions. See the support page for the victims on my website. Recommends that you read the posts on this blog. Give them the number to the domestic violence hotline in your area, or to tell them if they ever are in crisis and need someone to talk to, Call 211. If they feel that their lives are in danger, tell them to call 911.

What you need to do is tell them to pray harder, previously abandoned or for a divorce. Here the most important factor is to encourage the victim to take back power and control over their own lives. To tell them what you need to do is another form of power and control that belongs to them. Support, encourage them to find their own answers and you realize what is needed is more the victim.

Listen to the interview with Carolyn with Cynthia Brennen, help, hope and healing. "visit everyday health, emotional well-being, website or blog at orangeblossomwishes.com

View the original article here

Domestic violence-how we offer spiritual support?

Domestic violence is not a religion

Domestic violence is not aware of any person or religion. You can see, when it is abused, it happens every day in the Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Catholic or Hindu origin. Also appear daily in houses atheists or agnostics. I suppose we can say domestic/intimate partner violence is a matter of religions. So, what do to with this dilemma?

Say Christianity is a form of punishment for a Muslim, or vice versa? Religion, who has upset matters like this?

What we do for those who completely alienated from organized religion, self-righteous individuals have become critical or dogma? Can work in panels of the denomination or religion and work together to help all victims of these religions? We can sit together and find out what they are victims of domestic violence/intimate partner violence or sexual needs and solutions, and then, in turn, to our community by applying what they learn to find and the injured, broken, bruised and battered plot back us asylum? And don't forget, shelter is not only a building-is also a part of the peace and security.

Most of us have a religious practice in the selection. Some have chosen to not worship God altogether. Nothing prevents us from having the ability to ask prayer or spiritual support in these terrible times as serious of a spouse or intimate partner, regardless of location or our mental state.

And what about couples of the same sex? Yes, the domestic violence takes place there, too.

This is not so much about what to do, but rather to the problem- what can be done? the judgmental, condemn, trying to force our beliefs on another at a time when they are less likely to be able to listen and absorb what is being said is counterproductive.

So, how can we deal with love and support to victims of domestic violence/intimate partner who is not of our faith-or do we even bother to try?

Listen to the interview with Carolyn with Cynthia Brennen, help, hope and healing. "visit everyday health, emotional well-being, website or blog at orangeblossomwishes.com

Related articles

View the original article here

Church role in domestic violence

The Church-what is the role of the DV?

We have achieved a level of the crisis in the work to combat domestic violence in our nation today. If this check box is selected, even at the very least you'll be more awareness, education and knowledge about the face of domestic violence.

One of the three women in the United States, sometime during her lifetime, be victimized by any form of domestic violence. This is 1 of 3, or a third of the women in this country. Is someone who Is in a ministerial capacity, as well as support works for raising awareness of domestic violence and sexual assault, I realize the Church just needs to be more educated on these pillars, characteristics and methods of combating these evils if husband sexual abuse assault and battery.

There are women who are beaten, almost on a daily basis, walk among us. They hide it well. Enough makeup will cover one eye and bruised neck. Long sleeves to hide the bruises, where it has grabbed and brutally shaken maybe. Unfortunately, there are some women who have physically beaten by Papers or crosses. What to do in these situations?

I'm in the process of the adoption of a programme [1], making use of the information and materials made available through my work with non-profit and other ministries, to add to my own testimony as a former victim-turned-survivors and now the prosecution for those who are still trapped working abuse and attack. The idea is to take account of this information with our churches, the clergy and congregations, helping them to new knowledge and understanding of the complexity of domestic violence, sexual abuse or sexual abuse of children, to acquire and to educate and equip them to reach the victims, the wounded, drawing, fearful and beaten in an environment where they feel safe and intellectually supported.

After all, there is not this what true religion is all about? No paper fist, pointing his finger or revictimization, but encourage, support and pure love of God-his hand extended.

DV victim looking for help from the Church

If you have done this at least unto them, have done for me.

Listen to the interview with Carolyn with Cynthia Brennen, help, hope and healing. "visit everyday health, emotional well-being, website or blog at orangeblossomwishes.com

View the original article here

Domestic violence shelter for pets in Australia, but opens shelter for women suffering from domestic violence

There is a new article on http://www.shrink4men.com/. It is an opinion piece of about a new domestic violence shelter for pets that just opened in Australia. Highlights the flagrant lack of domestic violence for men who abuse objectives of female partner and the absurdity of the financing services for DV shelter animals help human women and their children.

Here's the link:

Domestic violence shelter for pets, but not for women and their children: secure beds for pets

With appreciation

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

View the original article here

Domestic violence increased by bad economy

By Robin Roshkind, Esquire, West Palm Beach, Florida

In practice I see many beaten and battered women and men ….  Domestic violence is committed by her husband and of women.  Oddly enough, there are some very aggressive women.

In any case, with the rise in unemployment, which hit 12% recently in the u.s. State of Florida, spouses heaviest around the House, … friction causes a man may be labelled as "lazy" or "value" caused severe reaction, resulting in a violent situation.

If you are an offender, and you know that you have a problem with anger management counseling before, escalated the situation.  If you are a victim, there is no need to take it anymore.  Late marriage Anon!  No one should fear of bodily harm.  For more information about divorce in Palm Beach County, call one of the lawyers on divorce in ROBIN ROSHKIND, p.a. in 561 835 9091 or click from the company website at www.familylawwpb.com for more information.

This is the first I wanted to this position.

View the original article here

Reality star Amber Portwood investigated for domestic violence

Just posted a new post and videos about the new site Shrink4Men about MTV teen mom Amber Portwood who is being investigated by the police for domestic violence. They hit, slapped and her fiancé, Gary Shirley smothered.

Here is the link: teen mother Amber Portwood investigated for domestic violence after physical abuse fiance for television.

by Dr. Tara j. Pal Matt Irishman

View the original article here

Abusive Relationship - The Power of a Diagnosis in Understanding and Ending Domestic Abuse

The value of the diagnostic label has more to do with the way it impacts the person with the condition than anything else.

Can you remember a time in your life when you had a medical condition and you received a diagnosis that immediately lifted the weight off your shoulders and sent you to remedy your condition. My sense is the "propelling one into remedy" can happen no matter what the diagnosis. This is what I call the power of the label.

Before we give a specific condition a name, it is a vague cluster of symptoms that may or may not seem related. In the medical world, one may either self-diagnose or seek professional care to receive or substantiate a diagnosis, and from here obtain a definitive treatment plan.

The confusion in self-diagnosis when psychological denial is involved

When it comes to psychosocial conditions, diagnosis becomes even more clarifying and ultimately remedy starting, especially for conditions in which the defensive mechanism of denial plays such a large part. Here's why.

The mechanism that supports the condition is not part of the determination of the condition. Consequently, the process of identification is not as likely to be sabotaged.

For example, as a domestic abuse survivor, we all know the power of rationalization. So let's say we are looking at a laundry list of symptoms characterizing intimate partner violence. What happens?

We may say, oh yeah this is going on in my relationship and mentally check that item. Then go to the next and again see the second item alive in our relationship. And as each item looks familiar, a little light starts to go off saying I'm in an abusive relationship!

But quickly to the rescue is our psyche defense ready to serve and protect our ego. And it says, well he/she called me a "whore" because he was jealous of my receiving attention at the party last night.

And compounding his jealousy, making it express itself in this way, was his inward vulnerability in the moment...as I know he has been hurting over losing his job. (Look at the exquisite analysis, rationalization and justification in play here.)

The value in diagnosing psychosocial conditions objectively

This is a common response to filling out a checklist or reading a laundry list of domestic abuse symptoms. Our defensive mechanisms that serve to protect us and our loved ones will more often than not keep us blind and confused. And of course with this, leaving us without direction for a remedy nor motivation to repair our circumstances.

I can't stress the importance of putting the natural self-serving defenses to rest when you are seeking to know if you're in an abusive relationship. Getting a definitive, objective diagnosis can put you in the "stop-guessing" mode and into the "start-treating" mode in moments.

For more information on how to diagnose an abusive relationship, visit http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com. Dr. Jeanne king, Ph.D. helps people properly identify intimate partner violence, and end and heal from domestic abuse. ?2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

A domestic violence shelter for pets opens in Australia, however, no shelter for men who suffer from domestic violence

There is a new article on http://www.shrink4men.com/. Is a piece of your mind about new domestic violence shelter for family pets that have just opened in Australia. Stresses the flagrant lack of domestic violence services for men who targets of abuse female partners and the absurdity of the financing of DV shelter for animals for helping human women and their children.

Here's the link:

A domestic violence Shelter for pets, but not for women and children: safe beds for pets

Yours sincerely

Dr. Tara j. Pal mat Irishman, PsyD

View the original article here

Healing From Domestic Abuse - The Creation and Implication of Fuzzy Versus Firm Boundaries

People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. If you request and insist on your boundaries being honored, they will be. On the other hand, if you allow others to determine whether to respect your limits or not, then expect your boundaries to be treated as they wish to do so.

This is an important lesson for anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship, either with a parent or with an intimate partner. It's a lesson that requires clear and focused integration and application, yet this lesson is all too often ignored.

Read on to learn about the conditioning of fuzzy boundaries in abusive relationships...

The Fuzzy Boundaries of Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships have implied rules with respect to boundaries. These rules create and maintain fuzzy boundaries that support the power and control tactics of the abusive relationship.

For example, checking out cell phone messages, numbers called, emails sent and received, as well as the contents on one's hard drive and in one's purse or wallet is common practice in abusive relationships.

The abusive party will snoop to confirm a hunch or as a fishing expedition. Then, once something is found, they will hold it in the mind's eye as a club to clobber their partner with in real life.

More often than not, the abused loses herself/himself in the dance over what was found. Rarely is issue taken with the violation of their personal space-their personal boundaries.

Mutual Conditioning in Abusive Relationships

Both parties' fixation on the "evidential findings" remains well beyond the trespassing of boundaries. Yet, at a core level, the victim continues to feel violated as a result of the intrusion.

Since nothing is said about this violation, the relationship message supporting fuzzy boundaries remains intact-and is actually strengthened. The abuser is conditioned to trample his/her partner's boundaries and the abused conditions herself/himself to expect the same.

The abuser actually believes he/she is entitled to penetrate her/his personal space and possess her/his outer and inner world. And the abused goes along with this intrusion so as not to rock the boat. For she/he knows should that happen, the bigger "one" is just around the corner.

In some respects you might conclude that the victim is motivated by their fear of what their partner might do. While this is appropriate to abusive relationships, when carried over into other relationships, it can create interpersonal havoc.

Boundary Lessons for Domestic Violence Survivors

If you continue to assume responsibility for other people's aggressions and affections, then you are setting yourself up for a perfect fit with another abuser. If, on the other hand, you recognize that you are not responsible for another person's feelings and behavior, you open a new door. You free yourself up to hone in on taking responsibility for your own feelings and behavior.

And with this, you can learn to effectively voice your limits and teach others to honor and respect your boundaries. Once done, you will find yourself experiencing your own integrity within your personal relationships.

For more information on healing from abusive relationships, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/healing_from_within.php and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Manage the pain of the exploiters relations

How many times have you said "a choice I not?" It is a phrase to which many justify their behavior or complain cities living beyond their means. Certainly can we still believe without ways, but it is my conviction that type of thinking which is substantially the helps and makes limited amount and the amount of staff, meet us our frustration.

If in a situation where believe there is "no choice", remember that there are at least three options. Each situation has at least three following possible solutions: you can leave to amend or to accept. Each option will be different in each situation.

Examine the options of a woman in an abusive relationship. I fear that women in violent relationships have no desire to seek help or talk about your problems. It is annoying on the sharing of what is happening in your life. The user will convince its victims, anyway for its abuse liability is. This often suffer from a person in an abusive relationship in silence. I want a forum in a safe place for women to share and learn that you are not alone.

I provide in any way, imply that no men live in abusive relationships. This may create a situation seriously daunting for a man. As said a man to his friends as his wife or girlfriend the him until fails or is constantly verbal and emotionally abusive? I believe, there are many more men in these relationships we believe. Because a special stigma by if you admit what happens in your life, silence more. It can also be violence in same sex relationships. However, for the purposes I write in this article as if the author is a man and a woman is the victim.

The first choice in a situation like that tries to change the situation. All tested women many perfectly for your spouse or partner. Browse the egg shells, believe, if only you better, more love, more tender, quieter, more invisible and does step from damaging your man. Many women in abusive relationships is prepared in the life of trying to change the behavior of your partner. Of course this is in vain attempt, because people for someone else to change. Change your current behavior for you and even work sometimes not even close. I could ask a woman, "you are willing to wait for how long it change?". "Have already 10 years, you are ready, passes over ten"? This is a problem that can meet the woman since may provide, maintain their entire lives. It is not for me or someone decide what is best for someone else. Finally, we are not in your skin. We cannot accept that we can in the same situation, but the answer may not respond the person, which pass through it.

The second possible outcome is on leave. In an abusive relationship, would mean that ends the relationship. Many women in abusive relationships leaves afraid because you believe that your partner is to hunt down and kill or at least claim your "property" and force women return. Statistics tell us that more women in abusive relationships are killed in the relationship remain as you can but say that the family of a woman, links and was killed by your husband. Statistics not many can not. Yet once, is whether it would be better for a woman to leave your situation, only for us, but we know what is really better for someone else? You want to carry out this responsibility? Leave, is certainly a viable option, but it is only by women is in the relationship. Organizations are implemented, victims of domestic violence, to escape the violence of their situation, but laws are very difficult when there are children and custody situations concerned. Some women remain, because you leave your children will not. Many remain as committed your said marriage vows, "" disease and health."" Until death we part. "No one can decide to someone else, you must leave your wishes if your highest value." Can I ask a woman if all your options and think about the consequences included each selection. Then, I would ask whether you think that the best option is abandoned and is ready to pay the consequences of this choice. The possible result is leaving preferable, pay in residence of the current situation? The risk is worth it? For some, it is no doubt.

The final choice is to accept. Accept that it differs from the other two options. In the first two options, the woman is changing external circumstances. If you've tried it modifies, attempts to modify the behavior of your partner. It let you is your Exchange situation. Acceptance, but remain in the situation and understand and accept that the other person will not change and that all rights, to find. The woman in an abusive situation would still is that you don't let want and realized that her husband can never change, but decides to suspend decide. This may be your best option for some.

Love the woman in this situation, for those of us, we go through the same choice of three. We can lassen - this would probably mean to stop our relationship, we are unable to see sound in an abusive situation of women. We try, it changes by trying to convince you that man leaves. It is this that many friends and family and sometimes the woman decides, leave. It may decide, with their rejection may not living, said either directly or in the background. Loyalty to their partner may decide not to fix, it is no longer hear your statements against him. What it is your support, not judgments and coercion to someone, let you love. Or we can accept the third choice. This means we just make that this woman to have your own life decisions and the best will, that you can use options are for him. They are your friend and supports your and their decisions, recognize that you also cannot replace or him.

If you suspect that you or someone of domestic violence is involved in, please go to www.therelationshipcenter.biz. It y has security means to discuss the situation, and some are f R e e mail Kim Olver to kim@therelationshipcenter.biz, enter your room chat hours of scheduled conversation posted to your calendar or you call 708-957-6047.