Controlling Relationship - How Complacency in Intimate Relationships Affects You

Complacency to avoid consequences yields a lack of assertiveness across the board...that is, in other relationships at work, at home and at large.

Some battered women will tell you that they only have difficulty holding their own with their abusive partners. I beg to differ.

Complacency with Your Intimate Partner

When in an abusive relationship, individuals gradually learn that with complacency one can avoid unwanted consequences. For example, yielding to the wishes of your controlling partner can avert the response associated with his not getting what he seeks.

It's a common conditioning that goes hand-in-hand with survival in an abusive relationship. You gradually, yet quickly, learn that when you don't deliver the desired request, you pay a price.

The price varies depending on individuals and on where couples are in the progression of their abuse dynamics. It can start with an irritating whine and progress to threats of abandonment or verbal, emotional or physical battering behavior.

The complacent partner is actually manipulating the circumstances by delivering that which her abusive partner seeks. And in so doing, her compliant behavior keeps their relationship conflict and danger at bay.

Complacency Spills Over

But it doesn't stop here. With her complacency comes a feeling of self-denial. She knows she has thrown a deaf ear at her own needs. And this leaves her feeling numb.

That numbness strengthens the more she experiences it...until the day comes when she finds herself empty where assertiveness is called for in other relationships.

Here's how it may manifest. You may find that you are interacting with a co-worker or a colleague or customer/client, and you fail to bring into the interaction your truest desires. You sit on your perspective and let other's agenda take course.

On some level, you are manipulating immediate interaction consequences without awareness of the larger implications of your complacency. Before you know it, you are doing the very same thing in this other relationship that you have been doing with your intimate partner. And the net result is that you strengthen your lack of assertiveness.

If you are using complacency to avoid consequences in your intimate relationship, beware of the consequences in the broader context of your life. Recognize the impact of this on your assertiveness skills and lack thereof before your numbness completely silences and ultimately destroys you.

For more information on controlling relationships, see www.preventabusiverelationships.com/controlling_relationship.php and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. ©Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention