Male Privilege and the Excuse for Battering in Intimate Relationships

People speak of male privilege as though it is the cause and curse of abusive relationships. It is the underlying social cultural justification for his entitlement...his "one up man-ship"...and the actions that support his getting his way, including his battering behavior.

I think it is just one of the ways abusers control the female intimate partners they abuse. It is a means to leverage power and control in an intimate relationship.

For example, when a batterer justifies his making unilateral decisions that affect both parties in the relationship because of his "male privilege," he is merely using this control tactic as means to an end. It is one of his ways of establishing and maintaining an unequal distribution of power and control within the relationship.

Male Privilege and Domestic Violence

If you are in an abusive relationship, you are most likely aware of this common strategy employed to keep you "in your place." However, are you aware that your embracing the cultural bias of male privilege is your part in your owning that submissive status?

It is also possible that you can recognize socialized "male privilege" and not let it tip the power and control scale in your intimate relationship. Here how...

Shattering the Expectation of Gender Biased Control

Let's say that you, too, are of the social persuasion that men are elevated relative to women. You can recognize this bias within yourself and not let it become your justification for your victimization?

As you cultivate the ability to do this, you set in motion a relationship expectation that gender does not support and sustain the distribution of power and control within your relationship.

For more information about ending abuse against women, browse our resources at http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ebooks.php, and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Controlling Relationship - How Complacency in Intimate Relationships Affects You

Complacency to avoid consequences yields a lack of assertiveness across the board...that is, in other relationships at work, at home and at large.

Some battered women will tell you that they only have difficulty holding their own with their abusive partners. I beg to differ.

Complacency with Your Intimate Partner

When in an abusive relationship, individuals gradually learn that with complacency one can avoid unwanted consequences. For example, yielding to the wishes of your controlling partner can avert the response associated with his not getting what he seeks.

It's a common conditioning that goes hand-in-hand with survival in an abusive relationship. You gradually, yet quickly, learn that when you don't deliver the desired request, you pay a price.

The price varies depending on individuals and on where couples are in the progression of their abuse dynamics. It can start with an irritating whine and progress to threats of abandonment or verbal, emotional or physical battering behavior.

The complacent partner is actually manipulating the circumstances by delivering that which her abusive partner seeks. And in so doing, her compliant behavior keeps their relationship conflict and danger at bay.

Complacency Spills Over

But it doesn't stop here. With her complacency comes a feeling of self-denial. She knows she has thrown a deaf ear at her own needs. And this leaves her feeling numb.

That numbness strengthens the more she experiences it...until the day comes when she finds herself empty where assertiveness is called for in other relationships.

Here's how it may manifest. You may find that you are interacting with a co-worker or a colleague or customer/client, and you fail to bring into the interaction your truest desires. You sit on your perspective and let other's agenda take course.

On some level, you are manipulating immediate interaction consequences without awareness of the larger implications of your complacency. Before you know it, you are doing the very same thing in this other relationship that you have been doing with your intimate partner. And the net result is that you strengthen your lack of assertiveness.

If you are using complacency to avoid consequences in your intimate relationship, beware of the consequences in the broader context of your life. Recognize the impact of this on your assertiveness skills and lack thereof before your numbness completely silences and ultimately destroys you.

For more information on controlling relationships, see www.preventabusiverelationships.com/controlling_relationship.php and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. ©Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Understanding Abusive Relationships - 5 Benefits of Learning to Identify Intimate Partner Abuse

If you have read my writing, you may know me as someone who encourages people to recognize intimate partner violence. But, I wonder if you know why I'm so steadfast about this.

Learn to Meditate Is Like Learn to Mate

I'm reminded of the days when I taught biofeedback and meditation to individuals in my psychotherapy practice. It seemed like no matter who walked through that door, whether they had high blood pressure, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, migraines, insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks or depression, I always opened the door for a discussion that ultimately led to three little words: Learn to Meditate!

People came into my practice wanting symptom reduction and walked out of my practice with life enhancement on top of symptom reduction. I'm telling you this little story because it's the same with my pervasive message of: Learn to Identify Intimate Partner Violence.

The Benefits of Learning to Identify Intimate Partner Abuse

Let me elaborate. You see, it's not only that you will be better able to recognize a bully or identify your circumstances as fulfilling the criteria of intimate partner violence or not. Oh no, it's much more than that.

When you learn to identify intimate partner violence, here's what also happens over time.

1) You know how to prevent an abusive relationship from developing

2) You know how to arrest an abusive relationship in the moment

3) You know how to avoid abusive relationships before they begin

4) You bring into focus the flip-side of partner abuse, and from here you can clearly pursue it

5) Ultimately for most people that's exactly what they want...a loving intimate relationship characterized by mutual honor, respect and support.

If you have the occasion to understand this dynamic and plan to have an intimate relationship, you owe it to your self to understand the silent insidious syndrome of intimate partner abuse before it sneaks up out of nowhere and catches you by surprise.

For more insights and information about identifying domestic abuse visit http://www.IsThisAbuse.com and claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in court. ?2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Interactional Relationship Abuse VS Intimate Partner Violence - 3 Distinguishing Characteristics

We hear a lot about the "he said, she said" when it comes to relationship violence. The challenge for advocates and interventionists is to accurately ascertain, not only "who did what" but even more revealing, what are the underlying dynamics inspiring the altercations between the parties?

There are some clear distinctions between classic "intimate partner violence" and "interactional relationship abuse."

1)  Classic intimate partner abuse is one-way. That is the control dynamic within the relationship is consistently in one direction: from the empowered person in the relationship to the un-empowered person in the relationship.

Whereas in interactional relationship violence, the control dynamics are ever shifting between the two individuals. While there is an unequal distribution of power within the relationship at any given time, that distribution varies. One day the controlling party is person A, and the next day it can be person B.

2)  The tendency to externalize blame is also shared by both individuals within the relationship (characterized by interactional abuse). For example, when there is an altercation, the battering person will insist that his/her physical and/or verbal emotional abuse is due to something done by his/her partner.

Whereas in classic intimate partner violence, the externalization of blame goes from the battering partner to the battered partner. And while engaged in the abuse dynamic, both people believe-on some level-that the battered person carries the responsibility for the violence.

3) The possessiveness and jealously that are characteristic of these relationships is also two-sided in interactional violence. Both people will evidence intense jealously of the other's display of affections toward third parties. And both individuals hold the right to possess the other, dictating how he/she spends his/her time, energy, attention and resources.

Whereas in classic intimate partner abuse, the abuser will exhibit excessive jealously and possessive control, and the victim will not. In fact, both of the individuals will more likely credit the dominating individual in the relationship with unwavering entitlement rights. 

If you are in an abusive relationship, or are a witness to one, be mindful of this distinction between classic intimate partner abuse and interactional relationship violence. Your doing so will assist you in dealing with the abuse dynamics and securing the proper intervention.

For more information about the dynamics of abusive relationships, I invite you to check out educational and healing domestic abuse resources for survivors, advocates and loved ones. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals, families and advocates recognize and end domestic abuse. ?2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. http://www.EndDomesticAbuse.org/ebooks.php

Workplace Bullies and Intimate Partner Abusers - What's the Difference?

What is the difference between an intimate partner abuser and a workplace bully? Some people think they are the same. But all bullies do not fulfill the criteria for intimate partner abusers, even though they indulge in and enjoy relationship abuse. 

How Are Bullies and Abusers Alike? 

In my work with bullies and abusers, I've recognized that they both use battering to establish and maintain a relationship atmosphere of unequal power. Now this battering can be psychological, emotional or verbal abuse. And, as you know, it can escalate into physical and/or sexual abuse. 

Both bullies and abusers will fail to show authentic empathy toward the object of their abuse. They both will seek to control at all cost, and they will externalize blame to accomplish their end. 

How Are Bullies and Abusers Different? 

Where they differ is in the dimensions of possessiveness and isolation. Abusers are known for their need to posses their partner as though she/he was their property. They will exhibit excessive jealously, bordering on an inappropriate obsession. 

And lastly, the partner abuser will seek to isolate the victim from all sources of support outside of his/her control. This may be financial, physical, emotional, spiritual... 

The bully, on the other hand, doesn't seek to isolate his/her victim in the same fashion or to the extent that the intimate partner abuser isolates their partner. And clearly, the bully will be less likely to cling with possessiveness. To the contrary, the bully doesn't need to own the other person to experience their empowerment. 

A Final Distinction between Bullies and Intimate Partner Abusers 

Intimate partner abusers will bully their abuse partner and may not bully outside of "love" relationships. Whereas, a bully is a bully is a bully in relationships unilaterally. 

If you encounter a bully or an intimate partner abuser, proceed with caution. Seek to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships, so as to avoid becoming an abuse victim or a causality of bullying.

For more information about abuse dynamics, see Domestic Abuse Dynamics. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal for domestic abuse and bullying. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/identify_domestic_abuse.php