Controlling Relationship - It is Important to Realize This is an Abusive Relationship

A controlling relationship can have a huge impact on your life. It can limit you in so many ways and you end up feeling stressed, unhappy, and depressed.

It is important to emphasize this type of relationship comes into the category of an abusive relationship. This needs to be stated as there are many people who would not realize this.

When you know this, it is vital to examine the primary components of an abusive relationship and see how this relates to a controlling relationship.

Firstly, it means the controlling behavior is a way of dominating and holding power over the other person in the relationship.

It is usually the man who acts in such a way as this way of being tends to flow on from a belief that men are in charge in relationships and leads to a controlling relationship.

Taking on the aspect of being in charge follows from the commonly held belief, that men have a superior status or position and is seen as a way of supporting a controlling relationship.

Many men take on these beliefs because, not surprisingly, we are instructed to think this way, and encouraged to develop personalities where we dominate, leading to controlling in relationships.

It is even suggested this dominating and controlling behavior, that a lot of men display in relationships, is explained in such ways that it is due to their disposition, character, personality, makeup etc.

The only conclusion you could draw from such explanations about a controlling person in a relationship, is, that this is to be expected, and has to be accepted, and allowances need to be made.

There you are!! If you are experiencing signs of a controlling relationship, I'm sure that makes you feel a whole lot better and you now know how you can lead your life!!

Only kidding!! However, one does hear such things as women have to recognize how different men are from them, and the way to deal with some issues in relationships, is to make allowances for the controlling in relationships.

Before proceeding I need to say that these days we often hear such things as women in relationships can be as controlling and dominating as men in relationships.

My response to that is - poppycock! That is nonsense! I will acknowledge there are exceptions, but there is no comparison.

Throughout the world every day, women are killed, raped and live in fear. The culprits are the men who are their husbands/partners/boyfriends, who have been dominating and controlling them in their relationships.

Statistics tell us that 1 in 3 women throughout the world is subjected to abuse in their relationship. This is a huge problem and very little is being done about it.

I believe if we can find solutions to this dominating and controlling behavior in relationships, we can change the world and I want to be part of that process.

In fact, I personally think there is a solution to a controlling relationship. The issue is, for this to happen, men have to be open to the process, a lot of men are not.

Unfortunately, as it stands, with this dominating and controlling behavior in relationships that is widespread throughout the world, it is a lose/lose situation for everyone involved.

The solution that is available is a win/win for everyone. One of the things that gets in the way is the view that is very common and that is everything is a win/lose. That is if you're not winning you're losing.

In other words if men are caught up in dominating and controlling in relationships, they can think that if they are not doing that, then they are going to be dominated and controlled. It is like everything is a competition, and there are only winners and losers.

Are you ready for the solution - drum roll please! The thing about this is that it can seem anticlimactic, as it is not such a big deal, but the consequences are gigantic.

The solution to this whole thing about dominating, controlling and holding power over in
relationships, is to accept that as men and women we are of equal status!

There you have it! Doesn't seem such a big deal does it? Seems so simple. Yet I'm sure when this is in place throughout the world the changes will be phenomenal and there will no longer be any need for dominating and controlling in relationships.

Leo Ryan has been a relationship counselor for more than twenty years.He discovered inequality is a major problem and his focus is How To Have Equality in a Relationship. Go to his website: http://www.TheEqualRelationshipGuy.com and get a Free report about how to solve a common example of inequality in a relationship.

Controlling Relationships - The Choice of Control in Abusive Relationships

Physical dependence, emotional dependence and financial dependence are characteristics we see in battered women. Physical control, emotional control and financial control are characteristics common to abusive relationships. 

When we think of the word dependence, in adult relationships in which both parties are physically healthy, we imply choice. When we think of the word control, we deny the reality of choice and instead claim victimization. 

But the fact is that we choose to be controlled, just as we choose our dependencies. In working with battered women, I am keenly aware that they know of the choices they make in their abusive relationships. I certainly did in mine. 

Here are some steps you can take toward your independence and self-sufficiency before and during an abusive relationship. 

1) Make it a habit to have an activity or handful of activities that you do on your own without requiring the help or assistance of anyone else. 

2) Establish and maintain a friendship with an adult outside of your intimate relationship. This can be a family member, a coworker, a parent of your children's friends or a neighbor, physician or hairdresser. 

3) Maintain your own money. Even if it is only a small amount, place some funds in an account (saving or storage) that you and only you control. 

Now you may think that it is impossible to accomplish the above because your partner does not allow you to have separate funds, your own friends, nor independent personal passions. It is the nature of the beast. 

Make it your job early on in your relationship to groom your partner to appreciate the fact that you have money of your own, friends of your own and things you enjoy doing outside of your relationship. The sooner you do this, the less likely you will fall prey to the entrapment of an abusive relationship.

For more information about domestic abuse dynamics, visit www.EndDomesticAbuse.org/identify_domestic_abuse.php and get Free Instant Access to survivor success eInsights. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention.

Controlling Relationship - How Complacency in Intimate Relationships Affects You

Complacency to avoid consequences yields a lack of assertiveness across the board...that is, in other relationships at work, at home and at large.

Some battered women will tell you that they only have difficulty holding their own with their abusive partners. I beg to differ.

Complacency with Your Intimate Partner

When in an abusive relationship, individuals gradually learn that with complacency one can avoid unwanted consequences. For example, yielding to the wishes of your controlling partner can avert the response associated with his not getting what he seeks.

It's a common conditioning that goes hand-in-hand with survival in an abusive relationship. You gradually, yet quickly, learn that when you don't deliver the desired request, you pay a price.

The price varies depending on individuals and on where couples are in the progression of their abuse dynamics. It can start with an irritating whine and progress to threats of abandonment or verbal, emotional or physical battering behavior.

The complacent partner is actually manipulating the circumstances by delivering that which her abusive partner seeks. And in so doing, her compliant behavior keeps their relationship conflict and danger at bay.

Complacency Spills Over

But it doesn't stop here. With her complacency comes a feeling of self-denial. She knows she has thrown a deaf ear at her own needs. And this leaves her feeling numb.

That numbness strengthens the more she experiences it...until the day comes when she finds herself empty where assertiveness is called for in other relationships.

Here's how it may manifest. You may find that you are interacting with a co-worker or a colleague or customer/client, and you fail to bring into the interaction your truest desires. You sit on your perspective and let other's agenda take course.

On some level, you are manipulating immediate interaction consequences without awareness of the larger implications of your complacency. Before you know it, you are doing the very same thing in this other relationship that you have been doing with your intimate partner. And the net result is that you strengthen your lack of assertiveness.

If you are using complacency to avoid consequences in your intimate relationship, beware of the consequences in the broader context of your life. Recognize the impact of this on your assertiveness skills and lack thereof before your numbness completely silences and ultimately destroys you.

For more information on controlling relationships, see www.preventabusiverelationships.com/controlling_relationship.php and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. ©Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Controlling Behavior - The 4 Ways an Abuser Controls His or Her Victim

Abuse is fundamentally about control. Violence may be a manifestation of relationship abuse, but domestic abuse is really about control. And the perpetrator can't bear to be out of control. When perpetrators feel they are losing control, their means to exercise control escalates.

What are the primary ways an abuser controls his/her victim:

1) Always being right

The abuser truly believes in one perspective: his/her own. They are always right, therefore making you wrong when there is a difference between your perspective and theirs. They hold their power in having the final say...having their way.

2) Sense of entitlement

The abuser lives from an egocentric perspective. He/she doesn't see you for who you are, only for how you fulfill his/her wishes. They see the world through one set of eyes: their own. And they believe those around them exist merely to support their vision.

3) Manipulates to leverage

The abuser is highly manipulative. He/She utilizes a punishment reward system of withholding what supports you as your punishment (negative reinforcement) and promises of what supports you as your reward (positive reinforcement).

4) Batterers to make a point and get their way

The abuser uses direct battering (verbal, emotional, mental, psychological, physical or sexual) to establish and maintain unequal power in the relationship.

If you are in a relationship with an intimate partner, a friend, co-worker, sibling or a parent that evidences these four ways to exert control, you are dealing with an abuser. The sooner you see this as outside of yourself, rather than as a part of you, the easier it is to disengage from his/her control. And when you do, you'll open yourself to finding and being yourself, exerting your own control as it serves your higher interest and well-being.

If you want to understand the dynamics of controlling relationships, I invite you to check out Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identifying Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from abusive relationships. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com