Drawn Back to an Emotional Abuser? 2 Tips For Getting Out and Staying Out - Part 1

Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship can be very difficult. Because your partner has pursued an agenda of controlling your behavior, insulting you, and criticizing you, you are likely to be questioning your self worth, competence, and value. You may even be questioning your sanity. Unfortunately, the nature of emotional abuse is that it offers you a skewed perspective on yourself and your value, which it is common to assimilate. It makes sense - if the person who supposedly loves you most thinks so lowly of you, isn't it likely to be true? Fortunately, we know that it isn't. By making some changes and putting some support mechanisms in place, you are more likely to maintain the strength to stay away from your emotional abuser. Here are the first 2 of 4 tips for getting out and staying out of a relationship with an emotional abuser:

1.       Stop all contact with your abuser.   This is very important for your recovery period. Your abuser will continue to use the same tactics that have worked all along - trying to control and put you down. If you have to speak because of children, etc, make sure to stay with the business at hand. If the conversation veers into criticism or the personal, simply disengage, say you need to go, and hang up or leave.

2.      Begin recultivating the "red flag" system you have inside you. We are all born with an innate instinct for survival - yet when we are in a situation where there is chronic emotional, physical, or spiritual danger, we can begin to tune out from the fight or flight response. This can result in physical ills from unreleased stress hormones, and can cause us to stay is harmful situations like emotionally abusive relationships. Spend some time becoming conscious of how your body reacts to certain people and situations - note when you become anxious, fearful, shamed, and tense. Note also when you are around individuals who energize you and cause you to feel comfort and peace and relaxation.   Begin to move closer to the positive experience and away from the negatives.

By the way, what is holding you back from making the best choices to achieve the life you deserve?

For a free copy of my ebook, "Strategies For Escaping Emotional Abuse", click here: http://www.stoptoxicrelationships.com/gifts-strategiesforescapingemotionalabuse.html

Shannon Cook is a personal coach and resource guide who has written a number of informative articles and ebooks on the topic of toxic relationships and "difficult" divorces, including the physical, emotional, practical and relationship components.

Recognize the Signs of a Male Relationship Abuser

Relationships all start beautifully - two people meet, fall in love, get married, have children. Especially for women, they always think that being with the one who sweeps her off her feet or who makes her heart flutter is always The One. However, this is not always true for all. Yes, some have succeeded, and yet there are still those many couples who do not succeed in keeping the love alive. Most often, after the "honeymoon" stage in a relationship, some people change - for the worse.

Sometimes, you might be inclined to say that these relationship abuses happen only in women who lack the necessary education. Truth is, even highly educated and well-accomplished women undergo the same thing as well.

Men who abuse women in whatever way are often thought of as sexist - probably thinking that males are better than females. A study conducted by experts show that most men who abuse women were themselves abused in their younger years. Thus, there is always the question about trust. These men may have confidence in their partners, but when they believe that their trust has been violated, in their mind, they think they have no other option but to resort to violence and abuse (whether physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual).

Since it is strongly believed that childhood experiences may have played a role in turning these men into abusers, it is possible that in their younger years, they have seen that in order to make women follow their whims, women should be subjected to physical pain. In some cases, abuse is also a reaction or a form of rebellion against females especially when the male had a negative experience with his mother. Unconsciously, he rebels against his mother through his partner especially when he sees some similarities between the mother and his partner's attitudes.

What are the signs that would tell you your partner is an abuser?

Some men initially show charm and care that women's hearts melt and inevitably, fall into the trap. Following are some indications that would tell you your man could be an abuser.

- He tells you sob stories about how a previous relationship ended and how his girlfriend broke his trust. Watch out if he has had several failed relationships.

- He is overly jealous and possessive of you that even the time you spend with your family and friends become an issue for him.

- He has a pompous attitude towards you - thinking that you are incapable of making your own decisions. This is due to his desire to control you and your actions and to make you feel dependent on him.

- He has a haughty outlook about women and believes that women are brainless.

- He has mood swings such that one time he is so sweet towards you, and abusive the next minute.

- He has unrealistic expectations of you and when he thinks you have "failed", he becomes very disillusioned about you for not meeting his expectations.

- He thinks that there is nothing wrong with the way he is treating you.

Bear in mind that men who are abusive by nature hardly ever change how they view things. You can try to slowly introduce him to the concept of him undergoing therapy, but get ready as well with the tirades that will be coming from him. If you see it's not going to change ever, then consider taking charge of your life and move on.

Amy Marie Chan also writes articles on baby boys shoes. See her most recent write-up about squeak shoes here.

Controlling Behavior - The 4 Ways an Abuser Controls His or Her Victim

Abuse is fundamentally about control. Violence may be a manifestation of relationship abuse, but domestic abuse is really about control. And the perpetrator can't bear to be out of control. When perpetrators feel they are losing control, their means to exercise control escalates.

What are the primary ways an abuser controls his/her victim:

1) Always being right

The abuser truly believes in one perspective: his/her own. They are always right, therefore making you wrong when there is a difference between your perspective and theirs. They hold their power in having the final say...having their way.

2) Sense of entitlement

The abuser lives from an egocentric perspective. He/she doesn't see you for who you are, only for how you fulfill his/her wishes. They see the world through one set of eyes: their own. And they believe those around them exist merely to support their vision.

3) Manipulates to leverage

The abuser is highly manipulative. He/She utilizes a punishment reward system of withholding what supports you as your punishment (negative reinforcement) and promises of what supports you as your reward (positive reinforcement).

4) Batterers to make a point and get their way

The abuser uses direct battering (verbal, emotional, mental, psychological, physical or sexual) to establish and maintain unequal power in the relationship.

If you are in a relationship with an intimate partner, a friend, co-worker, sibling or a parent that evidences these four ways to exert control, you are dealing with an abuser. The sooner you see this as outside of yourself, rather than as a part of you, the easier it is to disengage from his/her control. And when you do, you'll open yourself to finding and being yourself, exerting your own control as it serves your higher interest and well-being.

If you want to understand the dynamics of controlling relationships, I invite you to check out Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identifying Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from abusive relationships. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

Bad Relationship - Beat the Abuser - How & Why to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship

So there is no confusion, and so there is no fooling ourselves, let us get something clear...Abuse can be verbal, physical, spiritual/religious, sexual and emotional.

Also to avoid any other confusion...Let's not try to play any one of them down - no one of them is better than the other.

Abuse is real and out there - mostly behind closed doors, any doors any street. Doctor's, teachers, solicitors, policeman, members of parliament, members of congress, builder, carpenter, caretaker, shop worker etc, etc.

It happens in any social category, any class.

If you are or have been in an abusive relationship then the chances are abuse, in one or many of it's forms was possibly a reality for you during your childhood.

For children - Abusive relationships will greatly effect their trust, will leave them with an inability to

understand and handle their emotions, and they themselves will have difficulty forming healthy relationships based on a distorted, confused view.

In adult life, abuse survivors are at risk of repeating childhood patterns through forming relationships with abusive spouses, or even becoming bullies and abusers themselves. Even though a survivor may consciously want to avoid re-abuse, the individual is often unconsciously attracted to people who remind him or her of the family of origin. Their childhood history distorts and make it hard for them to distinguish between normal behaviors and abnormal ones.

For them - these childhood memories where normal!

HOW IT IS!

I know this may be 'old hat' and been 'flogged to death' to some - but still, in some circumstances, women have been conditioned to believe men have some superiority above women.

Even in these days of equality, I think there can be an inherent need for men to feel that they are 'The Hunter Gatherer's', plus genetically males are stronger than women.

Now however, times have drastically changed and it is not necessarily about physical superiority, but with today's woman, the threat for men is gaining intellectual and emotional superiority. (But for some men, they still hold on to the idea that was historically formed.)

But let's not forget this need to dominate is (though not equally) also apparent in the women population.

No dominating woman is going to set up home with a man that is assertive, confident and an alpha male, and the fact is, that some retiring, passive male will be drawn to such a dominate woman, because he doesn't have the confidence and skills to take care of a woman who is needy, weak and with possible low self esteem.

The question you will be wanting answered is...So why do men/women abuse their partners? Quite simply - because they can! - because they are allowed to!

I remember having conversations about my abuse with other people, and their reactions were - "I wouldn't have put up with that, - "the first time he raised his hand to me I would have been gone."

Well isn't it what we all would reasonably say and expect someone to do under the same circumstances? You haven't got to be a genius to work out that it is wrong and unacceptable, and when we remember abuse is not relevant to a particular social class, you know it's got nothing to do with intelligence, common sense, brains.

I experienced domestic abuse, and it only carried on because I stayed! By staying I gave him permission to abuse me.

There Are Several Reasons Why You Might Stay:

1. You think with love and patience you can help them change.

2. You are always under the illusion that each time they say sorry and they won't do it again, it really will be the last time.

3. You are afraid to be on your own.

4. You have lost so much confidence and self esteem you don't know who you are any more.

5. Fear, of what they might do if you leave.

6. You feel a failure, and you are letting people down.

The Reasons for Leaving.

1. Sometimes love is just not enough. You can still love him/her....that's OK...BUT you can't stay with him/her. Just because we love someone does not mean that we can have a relationship with them.

2. Words are cheap...Saying sorry needs to be backed up by actions, consistent actions! The abuser needs to have some real understanding of why something is wrong, has happened, and why it has hurt someone and making sure nothing like that is ever done again.

3. Some people equate being alone as loneliness. The truth is we don't want to be alone with ourselves, and because of that we will compromise true happiness and be with someone...anyone as long as we are not on our own. We really must understand until we can have a fulfilling, enjoyable relationship with ourselves, we cannot really have a good relationship with someone else.

4. When we say someone has no confidence or self esteem it almost infers they have a disease or something growing inside of them. Confidence and self esteem, is just 'bad' thinking...'Your' bad thinking. As your 'bad thinking was the cause of your feeling crap about yourself, so you can change that to make it positive, good thinking. Start being more observant of your inner critical voice, and change it to a positive voice. Remember it's only a thought, it's not real.

5. Normally what we fear is worse than what will actually come about, because we have been conditioned over time to think fearfully. Fear has been used to 'imprison' and control you. Let that fear propel you to leave, not to propel you to stay. Let your 'will' be greater than your fear. If you genuinely fear for your safety - Phone the police...get that help now!

6. You have only failed if you have not learned from your mistakes. Though it's good to analyze failure to an extent, don't beat yourself up about it. Mistakes are merely opportunities to learn and take ownership of a situation.

People love a survivor not a victim.

There never will be a right time to go. So don't wait till the next time it happens, the next time you feel strong, the next time you have money, the next time you can't take any more, next week, next month etc, etc.

Frankly, what you are waiting for is called a miracle. The definition of a miracle is - 'a supernatural extraordinary caused event - an event different from what would have occurred in the normal natural course of events.'

THE ONLY MIRACLE THAT YOU CAN EXPECT IS THE ONE YOU CREATE FOR YOURSELF - BY LEAVING NOW!

Ann Redgewell's own previous chaotic life's experience has led her to developing a completely free self help web site. This provides the sort of information and tools that she feels would have been invaluable to her when she was coping with depression and anxiety, a survivor of domestic abuse, homelessness, and bringing up two young children on her own. Ann more recently was employed for twenty years as a manager in a variety of different care settings, working with mental health, ex-offenders, homeless, sex offenders, victims of domestic violence and learning disabilities (mental handicap). Her own life's experiences and her expertise in a variety of care settings has given her great insight and knowledge into the workings of the mind and our behaviors. Ann's approach is direct and to the point. It's time to get real to take responsibility. No more excuses no more procrastination.

The first completely FREE!! comprehensive self help site on the net. Take a look: http://www.self-help-guides-to-go.com

Abusive Relationships - What is the Difference Between Being Abusive and Being an Abuser?

What is the difference between "being abusive" and "being an abuser?" I hear this question by people trying to determine if they are entangled in intimate partner violence, even when they don't know this term. What they want to know is: Am I in a dangerously abusive relationship?

I think being abusive is a rather general way of describing behavior that violates you as a person; your rights, your space, your choices, yourself. It can come out of frustration, stress, lowered inhibitions, insecurity, fear, vulnerability, or any combination of the above.

What is an Abuser?

Being an abuser on the other hand, in the classical sense, refers to a person that fulfills a specific criteria. And when engaged in an intimate relationship with this person, a specific criteria of defining characteristics exist which are intimate partner violence.

The criteria for intimate partner violence as it's defined by the literate consists of: possessiveness, controlling behavior, lack of empathy, externalization of blame, isolation of victimized partner, and the use of battering to create and maintain a relationship of unequal power.

How to Know if Intimate Partner Violence Is, or Is Not, in Your Relationship

Many people know this cluster of symptoms, but fail to recognize how they actually manifest in their lives. I have found in working with people over the years that when I bring attention to the subtle relationship interaction patterns in their daily lives, the light goes off for them in a way far more compelling than their simply trying to match the primary characteristics defining intimate partner violence to their relationship.

Further and equally valuable is the fact that people can discover if their relationship fulfills the criteria for intimate partner violence and if it does not. Often people will say they are dealing with an abuser, when the fact is their partner is abusive at times but doesn't actually fulfill the criteria for an intimate partner abuser.

The Value of Knowing Your Truth about Intimate Partner Abuse

Knowing this distinction can set you on a more productive road to remedying your relationship conflict. Without this understanding, you could be pursuing interventions inappropriate to your circumstances and even worse potentially hazardous to your safety.

If you are asking the question, "Am I in a dangerously abusive relationship?" then you deserve to have the answer...if not for yourself for the children that may be a twinkle in your eye today.

For more information about the dynamics of abusive relationships, visit http://www.IsThisAbuse.com. If you want a personal assessment of an abusive relationship, see the Intimate Partner Abuse Screen at http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. ?2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.