What you are about to discover is that there is never an excuse for abuse in relationships/marriage. Many women can be very confused about this because they are told so often they are to blame or at fault for the abuse they experience.
They hear the accusation regularly and are persuaded they are to blame or at fault. It is as if they become brainwashed that they are responsible for what happens to them and if only they behaved differently they would not be treated this way.
It gets to a point where women can feel as if they are walking on eggshells because they are never sure what they do that could result in some form of abuse.
This occurs because the abuse happens no matter what they do. Sometimes what can be okay is not at other times. What becomes predictable is that the abuser is unpredictable.
What this means is that women in these situations can be in a stressed state all the time because they never know what will happen next.
Because they are told they are to blame so often they can think it must be true. They are amazed because he does not behave this way with other people. He is so pleasant to them, even charming.
Women who are abused can think they must be to blame or at fault for the domestic abuse as this adds further weight to the accusations.
I remember one woman I saw as a client who was telling me how her husband treated her and their two young sons.
He was not physically violent, but he was abusive in a range of other ways and from what she was telling me it seems he was like a tyrant in the home.
She did not tell me he blamed her, however, very early on in the first session I had with her I said, "it has nothing to do with how you are."
I went on to say some other things, but she sat there as if transfixed and totally absorbed because of what I said, not needing to hear anything else.
After sitting there in silence for what felt like a long time, seemingly in a trance, she finally emerged from the daze and said, "are you saying it has nothing to do with me?"
I reassured her about this because she was not to blame, and he was responsible for what he did. She then described how she had been treated for years.
She was always told it was her fault, she was made to feel almost nothing was okay and she was to blame.
That is a number of years ago now and I remember her so clearly and I am amazed how emotional I become as I write this.
What I had said to her was all she needed to hear. She was able to make plans from there to get on with her life.
These people were middle class, seemingly comfortable financially, living in a "nice" house in the "right" suburb.
I should add I also saw her partner separately and he presented as the "perfect" gentleman. No acknowledgment at all about how he treated his partner.
Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police, parliamentarians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work. His website is http://www.domesticabusenotyourfault.com
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