Emotional abuse and your faith

Faith-the light of God surrounds me

As a woman of faith, and seeing so many conditions search engine for my blog, looking for answers about how faith and abuse of potentially fit together, you don't need to do a paltry attempt to respond to this point. I was in the 1960s, and by then the society religious dogma taught that a woman has to obey her husband. Even in our marriage vows. I have my Bible, digging around and I scripts that us to tell each other, we want to love one another, to have faith like a grain of mustard seed can find. I had faith. I had a lot of faith. I prayed every day for many years that God would change my husband was married, as a reason to stop the emotional and verbal abuse. This only exacerbated in recent years. Is God not listening? I think it was, and I think he's a kind of divine design, but when you have finished told how useless, fat, ugly and how nobody gives a rat's ass about you, you start to believe it. I've heard words like, "you're going to want to do with two children in tow?" or "do you think someone really so stupid if you want to go?", I mean, I had qualified for the acceptance of women teaching College and decided to give because he convinced me to go and an old maid for the rest of my days. I knew I had smart at some point, but this apparently had disappeared, at least according to what I was told. So, I began to hate myself ... at the point of suicide. Nothing can stop my lasting pain.

Well, put me on a place of disobedience of the other script. You can see, right there in bright red letters that I am love others as I love myself. The fact that I had with me self hatred in the category of sin, as the Church declares it. How can we possibly others if we don't have a certain degree of respect for ourselves?

Emotional and verbal abuse is removed from the dignity of this from our side. Eventually leads us to a point of desperation and without hope there is no trust. So I did what any self-respecting Christian woman do in my shoes — began to pray that God will touch dead. Okay, I've long since repented to such an attitude.

You see, with all the prayers that I prayed, emotional and verbal abuse escalated to physical violence. Pastor preached a sermon about how physical abuse committed by the husband-wife breaks the Covenant of marriage. So, basically, now I understand that adultery is not the only Biblically sound for termination of a relationship. It would encourage divorce. I strongly temporarily relieve strongest Christian koinotarches the risks associated with counseling together the two parties. The woman your revictimizing. It is not stable enough to handle and have no idea what it would get in return. Believe me, there. I learned to keep my mouth shut and constantly threatened with my life as much as you dare open my mouth to speak of what happens behind closed doors.

What do we do with our faith in the Centre of abuse? We hang on to this with all our forces. We believe that God is in control, and in the background for us properly. Find good sound advice (in faith or secular) that fully the complexity of violence and abuse understands. Find a lawyer who has traveled this routes at night and his own way in the light of the renewed hope and restoration of confidence. Develop a security plan and a security code word or phrase with a friend or relative coordinate. More importantly, we understand that the abuse will continue for the rest of our lives is our only option. And just maybe, we will continue to visit this blog and read more posts about the abuse, intelligence and the implementation of our own set of circumstances.

Carolyn is an advocate for domestic violence and sexual abuse awareness, also focused on sexual abuse of children. This is a direction and Empowerment coach, working with victims and survivors of molestation, sexual assault, domestic violence or spousal abuse and training to organizations that try to help the victims. Listen to the interview with Carolyn with Cynthia Brennen, help, hope and healing. "visit everyday health, emotional well-being, website or blog at orangeblossomwishes.com.

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Battering and Abusive Relationships - 5 Insights For Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Abuse

When you're not serving up what your abusive partner desires, what happens? The tension grows until he/she smacks you-emotionally, verbally or physically-as though to shake you awake and release the conflict within him/her. Sound familiar?

If you're living in an abusive relationship with your intimate partner, your child, or some other family member or friend, you know these dynamics like the back of your hand.

Also note that having words for them is another thing. Read on to clarify these points of conflict in your abusive relationship so you may better cope with your own personal experience.

1) The assault is not about you. Rather, it is the other person's maneuver to bring about comfort within themselves. In that moment, the battering person is seeking to resolve their own felt loss of control wherein they are not getting what they long to obtain.

2) The battering is truly a means to an end and not the end in itself. You may notice as the battering is delivered, it can be released without any relationship to the context from which the conflict emerged.

3) The batterer shows a marked release of inward tension following the assault. And you are left wondering why the heck this person is having the appearance of well-being... all in the face of your demise.

4)You feel violated and confused. You experience the hurt...the ouch... yet it's complicated. Unlike stubbing your toe, wherein you know the connection between the blow and its impact, this hurt confuses you. You don't know if you're being punished, poorly treated or if something in you contributed to the delivered assault.

5) BOTTOM LINE: Beware not to assume responsibility for the battering. If you do, you are enabling the abuse dynamic. Why? Because it then becomes your "Job" to alter the state of affairs preceding the assault. And we know that state of affairs exists within the batterer.

For more information about healing from and signs of abusive relationships, browse our resources at http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/ebooks.php, and get Free Instant Access to your survivor success eInsights.

Dr Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010, Jeanne King, Ph.D.

How to Stop Abuse From Your Partner

Are there reliable tricks to find if the whole rock on which your relationship was built is unstable and may cause a sudden crumble? It is not easy to tell that. Most of the times anyway, people realize the underlying faults only when the relationship has already taken a hit. Abuse is rampant and physical torture is a red flag.

The first time somebody is abused in a relationship, it is common to find that being forgiven, even without the issue of abuse being addressed. Many times there will be other side shows that lead to a compromise. However, it is recommended that you flee early.

When you are in a toxic relationship and still feel that you want to continue in it, you should think about all the possibilities. You need to know what you are getting into. A one sided relationship is not healthy at all. In many cases, one is just braving it all so that they enjoy some benefit.

Choosing to remain in an abusive relationship is a warrant to destruction. No sane person can be okay staying in a self serving relationship like that. It is a display of weakness instead of strength.

If you can master the strength to walk out of a partnership of this degree, you are oozing with hunger to redeem yourself. It is showing that it is high time you got out of one sided ones that do not bear much fruit. No human being deserves to be treated like that by someone they love.

At this level, you cannot still be trying to reason with an abusive partner. They have had three strikes. Everything else you have to say is just about nothing to a person like that.

Do not suck up to his friends. You can cut those ties and not feel anything. This shows complete washing of hands.

For those who you felt were really genuine people, you can just explain to them that it is nothing they did wrong to deserve that. Let them know that you are only concerned about safety.

100k plus jobs including pharmacy technical are reviewed in my website.

5 Ways to Tell If the Man You Are Dating Will Abuse You Emotionally

There are hundreds if not thousands of ways to tell whether or not you are dating a man who will end up being abusive, emotionally. Here, I will be focusing on 5 of those ways. Mostly because they are the ones most familiar to me and those of other women I know.

I was notorious for attracting the same kind of relationship, one after another, where I would end up feeling like I had to sacrifice a part of me to receive love from my partner. I was either too opinionated, not Christian enough, too real, too me, not hip, unable or unwilling to comply solely to their way of being, or in their eyes, simply not good enough.

Before I would come to my senses, every relationship would mirror the ones before, until finally I started to see the bigger picture. In essence, the pieces to the puzzle were being put into place by each relationship where I chose a path to learning and growth.

Obviously a lot easier said than done but it remains a fact from my own personal experience that until a wound is healed, it is not pain free. The physical wounds of sexual and physical abuse may heal but the emotional and psychological ones remain because the body will have its way of remembering the pain as if it was still happening.

And because the universe works in a glorious way to manifest our deepest and most often unconscious desires, we unknowingly attract through our relationships, life partners, friends, companions, husbands, and wives, that which speaks the loudest.

For me, it was a longing to be truly loved and adored by my mother and father, an experience that must have passed me by as a youth because those feelings were then transferred onto others in my personal relationships and partners. And as a result, I attracted partners and people in my life who were unable to step up to the plate when it came to real intimacy, which is what I sought on a subconscious level due to my emotional immaturity (pain).

So how is it that I can now recognize an emotionally healthy man from one who isn't? Here are the five ways:


Be aware of my own emotions (the healthy and the not so healthy ones) Adhere to the warning signs ( you know them - stop signs, red lights, this is the universe's way of saying do not come this way, so heed those signs) Maintenance cleaning (becoming emotionally healthy is a lifestyle, not an event) Emotionally investigate ( it's important not only to know where you are coming from but also where he has been, his wounds, and if he's been cleaning them out in a healthy way) Doing nothing

By doing nothing you are doing something to feed the wound that won't heal. We all have ways in which we can contribute to the evolution of our own emotional, mental, and spiritual self. No human being is perfect and no one man will be able to be your, everything. However, that is not to say that you should expect to be treated in an abusive fashion be it psychological, emotional, physical, or spiritual.

For me this life has been a stage for learning, living, and loving. And I'm finally happy to say that I can now see in myself what it is I long to find in another.

Just because you've been attracting abusive men doesn't mean they are all that way. Start your New Year off differently, learn what other women know about getting a man who is stable and compassionate.

[http://www.NoTime4Pain.com]

Felecia Townsend is a relationship enthusiast and personal coach. She has spent years learning the art of successful relationships and through her philanthropic writing is giving back to the community that has given her so much.

How to Overcome Verbal Abuse

Whether you are abused or think you may be, there are steps you can take to resolve your confusion and help you to navigate toward your personal solution.

You are not at fault; realizing that you cannot and do not control the abuse OR your abuser is priority number one. You cannot "help your abuser" or "mother" him out of abusive behavior. You cannot change him, although he may choose to change himself as a consequence of your new-found healthy behavior!

These four steps will help you clear your thinking after weeks or even years of abuse:

Becoming informed about what constitutes verbal, mental and emotional abuse and the control methods your abuser uses against you is the first step. Recognizing abusive behavior and putting a name to his control methods will help you to see your situation and your abuser in a new light.
Reaching out to friends, family outside your home, and resources in the community is paramount! You're fighting a powerful abusive enemy, and he wants to keep you fighting his game. You'll need all the help you can get. Your silence is his most powerful ally.
Discovering your abuser's abuse cycles helps you learn to trust your gut instinct again - fear is truly a gift. Abusers are not as "unpredictable" or "out of control" as they would like you to think. They often plan their attacks in advance, but blame the violence on you.
Designing a safety plan is a must whether you think you'll leave the abuser or plan to stay with him. Your safety plan will give you the peace of mind that comes with knowing you can leave when and if you must.

Over time, you've likely developed some side-effects of abuse that are inhibiting your ability to exercise personal choice and freedom. The beauty of these first four steps is that they create and support confidence and strength - two characteristics that will help you to say goodbye to abuse and/or your abuser once and for all.

Kellie Jo Holly lived with her verbally, emotionally, mentally and four-time physically abusive husband for 18 years. She separated from him in January 2009, but their relationship is not over due to their two children. She's hoping that one day her husband will admit to his use of manipulation and overcome it. Until then, she writes her story is for you in hopes that you'll recognize your abuser before you get in too deep at Verbal Abuse Journals and her accompanying blog "My Abusive Marriage". Find the help, hope, and resources you need to overcome the misery abusive relationships cause.

Domestic Abuse - You Are Never At Fault

What you are about to discover is that there is never an excuse for abuse in relationships/marriage. Many women can be very confused about this because they are told so often they are to blame or at fault for the abuse they experience.

They hear the accusation regularly and are persuaded they are to blame or at fault. It is as if they become brainwashed that they are responsible for what happens to them and if only they behaved differently they would not be treated this way.

It gets to a point where women can feel as if they are walking on eggshells because they are never sure what they do that could result in some form of abuse.

This occurs because the abuse happens no matter what they do. Sometimes what can be okay is not at other times. What becomes predictable is that the abuser is unpredictable.

What this means is that women in these situations can be in a stressed state all the time because they never know what will happen next.

Because they are told they are to blame so often they can think it must be true. They are amazed because he does not behave this way with other people. He is so pleasant to them, even charming.

Women who are abused can think they must be to blame or at fault for the domestic abuse as this adds further weight to the accusations.

I remember one woman I saw as a client who was telling me how her husband treated her and their two young sons.

He was not physically violent, but he was abusive in a range of other ways and from what she was telling me it seems he was like a tyrant in the home.

She did not tell me he blamed her, however, very early on in the first session I had with her I said, "it has nothing to do with how you are."

I went on to say some other things, but she sat there as if transfixed and totally absorbed because of what I said, not needing to hear anything else.

After sitting there in silence for what felt like a long time, seemingly in a trance, she finally emerged from the daze and said, "are you saying it has nothing to do with me?"

I reassured her about this because she was not to blame, and he was responsible for what he did. She then described how she had been treated for years.

She was always told it was her fault, she was made to feel almost nothing was okay and she was to blame.

That is a number of years ago now and I remember her so clearly and I am amazed how emotional I become as I write this.

What I had said to her was all she needed to hear. She was able to make plans from there to get on with her life.

These people were middle class, seemingly comfortable financially, living in a "nice" house in the "right" suburb.

I should add I also saw her partner separately and he presented as the "perfect" gentleman. No acknowledgment at all about how he treated his partner.

Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police, parliamentarians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work. His website is http://www.domesticabusenotyourfault.com

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Emotional abuse

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What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse often cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.

Types of Emotional Abuse
There are different forms of emotional abuse. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing.

Aggressing

Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality that is essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates an unequal relationship.

Denying

Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ etc.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.”

Minimizing

Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

Understanding Abusive Relationships
No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints, and validate your own feelings and perceptions. The controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even comfortable to you, although it is destructive.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically, abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abusers are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear and anger. this often makes abusers attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings and self-perceptions.

Understanding the pattern of your relationships, especially those with family members and other significant people, is a first step toward change.

Are You Abusive to Yourself?

Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as “I’m stupid” or “I never do anything right” dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.

Basic Rights in a Relationship

The right to good will from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
What Can You Do?

Educate yourself about emotionally abusive relationships. Two good resources include:Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Ann McMurray and Gregory L. Ph.D. Ph.D. Jantz (Feb 1, 2009) and The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel (Aug 13, 2003).
A counselor may be able to help you understand the impact of an emotionally abusive relationship. A counselor can also help you learn healthier ways of relating to others and caring for your own needs. It’s very important to get the help you need no one deserves to be abused.

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It is less damaging to children by providing them with ongoing spousal or partner abuse of divorce?

There is a new article on http://www.shrink4men.com/. This article examines how abuse affects children negatively citing research indicating that stress a malicious neurotoxin during the development of the brain, the youth, the fathers impossible situation is when they are the target of an abusive female partner and weights and gender bias prevalent in family law.

Here's the link:

Courtesy, stress and abuse are neurotoxins: children who witness parental abuse danger

With appreciation

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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Healing Emotional Abuse - Signs, Symptoms & Help For Relationship Problems

It's the cycle of abuse. Abusers always have a history of childhood abuse. They don't mean to pass it on and they would do better if they knew how. Whether you are the abuse victim or perpetrator, you must make a decision to stop the cycle of dysfunction now. Yes, the spider web of abuse is huge, but it can be healed.

Signs of Emotional Abuse:

- Unrelenting criticism

- Yelling

- Intimidation

- Sulking

- Manipulation

- Refusal to be pleased, no matter what you do or say

- Neglect

- Abandonment

- Denies you outside friends or hobbies

- Insists on going everywhere with you

- Negates your opinion

- Won't support your success

It's easy to see if you have been affected by emotional abuse, because the effect of abuse warps personalities.

Symptoms You Have Been Emotionally Abused:

- You are afraid to state your opinion for fear of retaliation.

- You've slowly stopped doing things you enjoy.

- If you miss a phone call, text message or email, you hurry to respond, hoping to avoid a fight.

- You have been ignored or rejected as a "punishment" for your behavior.

- You agree to things just to avoid a fight.

- You report where you are, who you are with and what you are doing.

- You've never received an apology, even when you've been right.

- You take the blame & responsibility for other people's unhappiness or problems.

- You suffer from low self esteem.

- Believe jealousy is proof of love.

Many people think emotional abuse only happens in love relationships, like boyfriend to girlfriend or husband to wife. But domestic abuse is not the only hot bed of pain. Emotional abuse can be seen in child abuse, elder abuse, between friends, family members, co-workers, neighbors and just about any combination of two or more people.

Solutions to Emotional Abuse:

- If you are involved in an emotionally abusive relationship of any kind, get out now. And don't go back until professional help is sought and completed by both of you. Sharon is a woman whose health was severely compromised as a result of working in a department where her co-workers shunned her, made fun of her, lied about her and gossiped about her lack of success and brains. Several times she did report abuse, but her immediate supervisor, as well as the human resources department, did nothing to help her. No paycheck in the world is worth this kind of treatment. Sharon was so beaten down from years of this abuse that she finally gave up and quit her job, before she ended up in the hospital. So, get away from the abuse immediately.

- Stop the abuse by calling for help. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is open 24 hours a day. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Let the cycle of abuse stop now and RUN for help. Not another day of abuse needs to be a part of your life.

Professional Psychic & Certified Behavioral Therapist, Kathi Calahan, helps lovers heal their relationship by identifying the underlying problem and providing workable solutions, even if they're thinking of throwing in the towel. Her free newsletter American Love Psychic - How to Grow Old Together is available at http://www.AmericanLovePsychic.com.

Dating After Abuse

If you've been in an abusive relationship, dating again can be scary. You're tired of being lonely, but you're afraid of ending up with another abuser. It is normal for women to have these fears. Here are some tips to make the dating scene easier for you:

The most important point that I can make is to wait before you date. It's best to wait at least six months to a year so you can recover from the past abuse and get grounded before you find someone new. The reason for this is when you're just out of an abusive relationship, there's much stress and mixed emotions going on, and you're in no state of mind for dealing with another relationship. Relationships take a lot of time and energy to maintain. When you leave an abusive relationship, your focus and energy should be on getting your life together, not another man.

You may feel lonely at the time, but it's not smart to fill that loneliness with another man right away. Your judgment will be clouded due to the stress you're under, and you may make another poor choice. Wait until you have your head on straight before you make any major decisions like whom to date.

Now may also be a good time to speak with a therapist about your past abuse. A therapist can help you work through the trauma you've experienced, teach you better coping skills, and help you learn how to choose a better mate in the future.

Once you've decided that you're ready to date, start going to social functions where you can meet men. Church, special interest groups, and barbecues are good places to meet and socialize with eligible bachelors. Online venues such as dating sites and social networking sites can open the doors for you to meet people that you wouldn't meet otherwise. Avoid bars, unless you want an alcoholic for your next boyfriend.

When you start dating someone, take it slow. Don't get too serious when you don't know him that well. In the beginning, you won't know what you're getting into. Take time to get to know him first, and then decide whether to continue the relationship, end it, or just be friends. Give it at least three months before you begin to get serious.

Watch out for red flags, such as financial irresponsibility, substance abuse, and controlling or erratic behavior. If you see red flags, it's time to get out. The sooner you end the relationship, the easier it will be. If you hang on, even after you know that he's not the right one, breaking up with him will be harder to do. Don't stay with someone who isn't right for you, just to have a mate. You deserve a man who is responsible, kind, and respectful.

Christine Davis is an author who owns a blog about relationship abuse. Visit her blog at http://www.celebrateyourfreedom.com

Marriage - Easing the Ache of Destructive Abuse

Abuse in a marriage can be incredibly destructive. Depending on what form of abuse we're discussing, it can harm the physical, mental and emotional well-being of both partners. Marriages that are abusive can be saved only if both partners are willing to change.

The Face of Abuse

When most people think of abuse, physical abuse is what comes to mind. It is hard to hide the signs of this type of abuse.

Abuse, however, come in other forms. For instance, a spouse who degrades or insults his/her partner is mentally and emotionally abusing the other. Such abuse may not leave physical scars, but the damage goes much deeper.

Who's to Blame?

When caught up in an abusive relationship, it is easy for the abused spouse to assume the blame. That may sound counter-intuitive, but is a common reaction. And the abuser is often more-than-willing to let his/her victim own the responsibility.

Abuse usually has much deeper roots than either individual may realize. Most abusers have a history of being abused themselves, often living with low self-esteem. As a result, abusing one's spouse makes them feel better about themselves. Despite this, inflicting abuse is never okay - in fact it's cowardly.

Moving Through or Moving Out

It is the rare abusive relationship that fixes itself. Something significant - if not dramatic - needs to change for the marriage to heal. Most abusive marriages end in divorce, but this is not an inevitability.

Couples who hope to save an abusive marriage MUST be willing to change - both. The abuser has got to face him/herself and address the deeper issues behind the abuse. The spouse dealing with abuse must be willing to forgive, address their own shortcomings, and absolutely refuse to be an enabler for continued abuse.

If either partner is not willing to make the effort, all the counseling in the world will not save the marriage. When one partner refuses to accept his/her own side of the problem, moving out of the relationship may be the only remaining solution.

Making the Break

When there appears to be no chance of stopping the abuse, it is in the best interest of the abused spouse to make a clean break from the marriage. Continued abuse, statistically speaking, escalates as time goes on. Walking away from your marriage can be frightening, but no one should remain in an abusive relationship.

Usually stepping through the process of ending an abusive marriage will become ugly, and in some cases dangerous. Clearly, it is better if both spouses can mutually agree to make the break. However, most abusive spouses will not want to let go of their control. The abused spouse will need to be prepared to seek protection.

Trevor has been writing on a wide range of topics for several years. Not only does this author specialize in marriage improvement, but you can also check out his latest energy efficient refrigerators review website which reviews great refrigerator options at www.energyefficientrefrigeratorsreview.com for your energy efficient food storage needs.

Is Dating Abuse and Relationship Violence the Media Candy?

Have you heard the latest dating abuse story?

It does not matter the time, the month or the year, one popped into your head. Even worse is you probably thought of more than one. Recent cases of domestic abuse and dating abuse cases years old, cases that made you outraged and cases that made you cry. Relationship abuse is prevalent. While this is the case it is disturbing how much media is devoted to it.

Doesn't the media help?

The media attaches itself to domestic violence in most all its forms, mental abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse. Abuse and relationship violence cases draw in viewers and readers and the media outlet is thrilled with additional flow. Thus the case becomes important not so much to condemn the person causing the violence or to wish the victim well. The media is attached because of more business. The public is not really much better.

Why would people not want to help?

People search the media looking for the reason why the person was abused. "She made him angry." "He deserved being hit because..." "She should have just left." "Why didn't he take the children and leave?" There are multiple facets to every story. The media presents the relationship violence story in a singular fashion. Depending on the media outlet they may present the story only in a way to stir up commotion and comments and publicity.

What happens to victims?

Sometimes the domestic violence victims become further demoralized and victimized. People argue over the why did you or why didn't you, attacking the victim further. Often the victim was typically using the information available at the time to make the best decision they could. Looking back the decision may be different. Yet at the time there may have been worries about someone else getting hurt, the inability to get away, even that the abuse was some how deserved.

How can someone believe abuse is deserved?

Relationship abuse does not start off big. The problem with abuse is that it starts small, as the attacker starts breaking down a victim's morals, defenses, and self esteem. When the victim starts to get upset a gift will appear or enough apologies to keep the relationship going. It is followed by the promise it will not happen again. Yet it will. The next incident of dating abuse or relationship violence is a bit bigger than the one before.

What happens next?

If it involves a celebrity it becomes front page news. People point fingers, lawyers get involved, and the media gets more viewers. With a non-celebrity it becomes news when things get really out of hand. In either case there are songs written, music played that make the story seem almost pretty. While people who hear the songs think dating violence is okay and the cycle starts again. Where does it end?

Are you wondering how to get started online? Or need a little how to help?

You can find friendly, easy step by step guides here.

MJ Schrader has a goal of "making your inner rockstar shine in your online business and life" which is reflected in her amiable and instructional forms.

Make your inner rockstar shine and visit http://RockstarGuideBooks.com today

Abusive Relationship - The Power of a Diagnosis in Understanding and Ending Domestic Abuse

The value of the diagnostic label has more to do with the way it impacts the person with the condition than anything else.

Can you remember a time in your life when you had a medical condition and you received a diagnosis that immediately lifted the weight off your shoulders and sent you to remedy your condition. My sense is the "propelling one into remedy" can happen no matter what the diagnosis. This is what I call the power of the label.

Before we give a specific condition a name, it is a vague cluster of symptoms that may or may not seem related. In the medical world, one may either self-diagnose or seek professional care to receive or substantiate a diagnosis, and from here obtain a definitive treatment plan.

The confusion in self-diagnosis when psychological denial is involved

When it comes to psychosocial conditions, diagnosis becomes even more clarifying and ultimately remedy starting, especially for conditions in which the defensive mechanism of denial plays such a large part. Here's why.

The mechanism that supports the condition is not part of the determination of the condition. Consequently, the process of identification is not as likely to be sabotaged.

For example, as a domestic abuse survivor, we all know the power of rationalization. So let's say we are looking at a laundry list of symptoms characterizing intimate partner violence. What happens?

We may say, oh yeah this is going on in my relationship and mentally check that item. Then go to the next and again see the second item alive in our relationship. And as each item looks familiar, a little light starts to go off saying I'm in an abusive relationship!

But quickly to the rescue is our psyche defense ready to serve and protect our ego. And it says, well he/she called me a "whore" because he was jealous of my receiving attention at the party last night.

And compounding his jealousy, making it express itself in this way, was his inward vulnerability in the moment...as I know he has been hurting over losing his job. (Look at the exquisite analysis, rationalization and justification in play here.)

The value in diagnosing psychosocial conditions objectively

This is a common response to filling out a checklist or reading a laundry list of domestic abuse symptoms. Our defensive mechanisms that serve to protect us and our loved ones will more often than not keep us blind and confused. And of course with this, leaving us without direction for a remedy nor motivation to repair our circumstances.

I can't stress the importance of putting the natural self-serving defenses to rest when you are seeking to know if you're in an abusive relationship. Getting a definitive, objective diagnosis can put you in the "stop-guessing" mode and into the "start-treating" mode in moments.

For more information on how to diagnose an abusive relationship, visit http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com. Dr. Jeanne king, Ph.D. helps people properly identify intimate partner violence, and end and heal from domestic abuse. ?2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Verbal Abuse in Relationships - What Is It and What Can You Do About It?

The definition of verbal abuse is spoken words used with the intent to cause harm. Verbally abusive statements are directed at another person, causing emotional suffering and leading to depression, low self esteem and even thoughts of suicide. In addition to the psychological effects, verbal abuse can lead to physical ailments resulting from stress and a depressed immune system.

What is Verbal Abuse?

- is hurtful and frequently attacks the character and/or abilities of the victim. Over time, the victim may begin to believe that there is something wrong with them or their abilities. The victim may come to feel that they are the problem, rather than their partner.

- is judging and criticizing. The abuser may judge the victim and then express that judgment in a critical way.

- may be overt or covert. Overt abuse usually involves blame and accusations. Covert verbal abuse involves hidden aggression, and is even more confusing to the victim.

- is about control and manipulation. Even reproachful comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way.

- is often subtle. The victim's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without them realizing it. They may consciously or unconsciously try to change their behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

- is unpredictable.

- is not a side issue; it is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this is not resolved. There is no closure.

- may escalate, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. It may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes and evolve later into other forms. Sometimes it can escalate into physical abuse.

- is also know as trivializing, which is a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant.

- is blocking and diverting. The abuser refuses to communicate, decides what can and can't be discussed, or withholds information.

- may also include undermining, threatening, name-calling, forgetting the abuse ever happened and/or giving orders.

Currently, it is thought that verbal abuse may be the worst of the three principle abuse categories (physical, emotional and verbal) because memories of physical or emotional abuse may fade, but insults can often be remembered word for word, indefinitely. Abuse is about control. To escape it, you can take control of your own feelings and the way you communicate without trying to control the other person. Love should not hurt.

The first step in ending verbal abuse is recognizing that you are in a verbally abusive relationship. If your partner often makes malicious comments that hurt you emotionally, seek outside help in putting a stop to it. The old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is clearly untrue - words can cause damage. And that damage may stick with you throughout your entire life. Some relationships are much more abusive than others. If you generally have a good relationship but it deteriorates into pointless arguing, you can probably fix it. Even a more abusive relationship may be worth working on if you can see improvements over time. If you seem to be moving in the right direction, don't ask why, just keep moving. Consider leaving if the abuser will not listen, is inflexible, will not consider counseling, tells everyone that you are crazy or that you are the abuser, wears two masks (a nice one for the world and the abusive one for you) or insists that everything be done their way or the highway.

Nancy Travers, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, specializes in all types of relationships; dating, existing relationships, family relationships, and relationships with friends and business relationships. She also helps her clients overcome anxiety and depression through talk therapy as well as through hypnosis. What sets her apart from many other counselors is that she has counseled in the gay/lesbian community for over 10 years. She also has experience counseling families with elder care issues. Nancy has been in practice for over 15 years and can provide you with the tools you need to approach dating and relationships with confidence. Visit her website at http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com.

Understanding Abusive Relationships - 5 Benefits of Learning to Identify Intimate Partner Abuse

If you have read my writing, you may know me as someone who encourages people to recognize intimate partner violence. But, I wonder if you know why I'm so steadfast about this.

Learn to Meditate Is Like Learn to Mate

I'm reminded of the days when I taught biofeedback and meditation to individuals in my psychotherapy practice. It seemed like no matter who walked through that door, whether they had high blood pressure, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, migraines, insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks or depression, I always opened the door for a discussion that ultimately led to three little words: Learn to Meditate!

People came into my practice wanting symptom reduction and walked out of my practice with life enhancement on top of symptom reduction. I'm telling you this little story because it's the same with my pervasive message of: Learn to Identify Intimate Partner Violence.

The Benefits of Learning to Identify Intimate Partner Abuse

Let me elaborate. You see, it's not only that you will be better able to recognize a bully or identify your circumstances as fulfilling the criteria of intimate partner violence or not. Oh no, it's much more than that.

When you learn to identify intimate partner violence, here's what also happens over time.

1) You know how to prevent an abusive relationship from developing

2) You know how to arrest an abusive relationship in the moment

3) You know how to avoid abusive relationships before they begin

4) You bring into focus the flip-side of partner abuse, and from here you can clearly pursue it

5) Ultimately for most people that's exactly what they want...a loving intimate relationship characterized by mutual honor, respect and support.

If you have the occasion to understand this dynamic and plan to have an intimate relationship, you owe it to your self to understand the silent insidious syndrome of intimate partner abuse before it sneaks up out of nowhere and catches you by surprise.

For more insights and information about identifying domestic abuse visit http://www.IsThisAbuse.com and claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in court. ?2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Why help therapy can be downloaded by means of a relationship with a woman abuse even if this is the "Crazy"

There is a new article on http://www.shrink4men.com/from Guest contributor, Kev. This article describes why therapies often is an important step in restoring illicit relationships, especially if you're not crazy. In this article writes Kev on how therapy helped her heal from an extremely toxic relationship with exceedingly abuse women.

Here's the link:

This is the crazy One because I need Therapy?!: recovering from a relationship with a woman abuse

Yours sincerely

Dr. Tara j. Pal mat Irishman, PsyD

View the original article here

10 Christmas and holiday gift ideas for woman abuse from your life

There is a new article on http://www.shrink4men.com/. Offers a parody of the usual Christmas and holiday gift guide. This guide gives gift gallows humor offers suggestions on what to buy for abusive spouses, girlfriends and exes this holiday season.

Here's the link:

Top 10 Christmas gifts for your Abusive, High-conflict wife or girlfriend

Yours sincerely

Dr. Tara j. Pal mat Irishman, PsyD

View the original article here

The Hidden Relationship Abuse

Everyone is quite familiar with the problem of physical and verbal abuse in relationships. It sometimes seems to be running rampant in today's society. These relationship demons are very difficult to deal with and produce such a large amount of pain and suffering. However, there is another form of abuse does not seem to be given the attention that it warrants. This is emotional abuse. Some people have put emotional abuse into the same category as verbal abuse. This is a common misunderstanding, and the victims of emotional abuse need to understand the difference of these two forms of mistreatment and to learn that they are not alone. To realize you are a victim of this abuse can then free you to take steps to leaving the relationship in which you are the wounded.

Verbal abuse is the form of abuse in which one person in the relationship verbally attacks the other. There is an endless array of verbal demeaning statements. Commonly known ones are along the lines of "You're stupid", "You're ugly", "You can't do anything right". The perpetrator uses insulting language to degrade the victim and produce a feeling of worthlessness.

Emotional abuse is quite different. When a person is deeply in love with another, they sometimes form a very strong need to please the other. The perpetrator plays off this need and can wreck havoc in the mind of the victim. There are many variations of emotional abuse; however, we will touch on some of most frequent.

One way in which people can be emotionally abusive to another is to deprive them of communication. When the perpetrator is irrationally angry with the other, they may cut off all means of contact. The victim, feeling lost, will repeatedly telephone the other, try to locate them, send endless instant messages, or even send letters via postal mail. The the person responsible for the emotional abuse, in their twisted thinking, will ignore all of the victims efforts, as a form of "punishment". This can leave the victim feeling hopeless and confused, thus when the perpetrator finally resumes communication, the victim will actually thank them profusely for recommencing contact! All talk of the fact that the abuser "disappeared" for that time of "punishment" is ignored, as the victim tries to please the abuser, and does not wish to prompt another reason for a disappearance.

Another commonly used approach of an emotional abuser is to place any and all blame of irrational anger onto the victim. We will use the fictional names of "Steve" and "Kathy" to play out a scenario of this type. Steve tells Kathy that he lost quite a bit of money in his attempt to play the stock market. Kathy shows concern and talks to Steve regarding the awful feeling of losing money. Steve responds defensively, accusing Kathy of only caring about money, and "loving money more than she loves him". The next week, Steve tells Kathy that he spent a good amount of money playing the lottery and lost it all. Kathy now, based on her experience, tells Steve that it is "no big deal" and she proceeds to try to change the subject to a more pleasant one. Steve responds in anger, accusing Kathy of not caring at all of his money situation and telling her that she certainly can not be loving towards him if she does not even care that he lost money. Kathy cannot win. No matter what approach she takes to please Steve, he will find a reason to be angry with her.

Kathy is now feeling frustrated and confused. She may question Steve on his reasoning, to no avail. No matter what logic she implements, Steve will find a way to warp her words and put only himself in a good light. Kathy is in a no-win situation and she is being emotionally abused.

Simply "game playing" is a very common and widespread form of abuse. This can cover a wide range of behavior. A person may act caring one moment and distant the next. This can force the victim to be constantly in a state of worry and never fully knowing where the relationship stands. A person may endlessly break promises, causing the victim to feel hopeless with no feeling of security or safety from the other person's words. The abuser may "casually" mention the attention he or she is receiving from members of the opposite sex. This is done in an attempt to cause jealousy from the victim and instill a feeling of low self-esteem. One person in the relationship may constantly threaten to "leave forever" or "never speak again". This threat is empty and is only told to the victim to infuse a panic of a breakup.

It is usually futile to try to change the behavior of another person. Someone who is emotionally abusive will most probably continue to be so. A strong desire to change and perhaps a large amount of counseling may produce some beneficial results. However, the majority of emotionally abusive people fail to recognize their behavior as being damaging. Since admitting ones faults is the key to fixing them, it can be a long and usually painful journey to attempt to change the person's core behavior.

There is no one who deserves to be on the receiving end of emotional abuse. A relationship with this element will eventually break down the very heart of the victim's self-worth and self-esteem. The relationship will persistently be stormy and unstable. The victim will be incessantly in a state of disturbance. Once this form of treatment is identified as abuse, the victim may then understand that he or she need not allow it.

When confronted, the abuser may promise to stop his behavior, causing the victim to have a temporary relief, only to find that the emotional abuse continues after a day or two. It is at this time, when the victim realizes the mistreatment they are receiving, that they should strongly consider the option of leaving the relationship. Emotional abuse is abuse. It need not be tolerated.

The victim of this abuse may find that the abuser has lowered their self-worth so greatly, that leaving the relationship does not seem to be a viable solution. Speaking with friends and family may help. It is common for victims to keep their experiences of abuse to themselves and expressing the emotional pain they have endured can be freeing. One-on-one counseling may be helpful, as the victim can learn to take control of his or her life. Ideally, if someone recognizes this treatment for what it is, they will take control of their own life immediately. Leaving the abuser and giving themselves the freedom to pursue a meaningful and peaceful life should be their goal.

Written by Alisa Chagnon of http://www.lovebulletin.com Alisa is a freelance writer, focusing on articles regarding relationships. Her services may be obtained by contacting her at Author@lovebulletin.com

Relationship Abuse - Why, What, How? Abuse Help For Women From Broken Homes

The root problem, especially for women from broken homes, is that they long to be loved by a man--even if the relationship is less than healthy. Even if they have to tolerate abusive behavior just to be loved. Following is Chanelle's story.

My home was dysfunctional - unwed mother, no father. Mom did a fine job of raising us, but it was one-sided. So I grew up with this need in me to be loved by a man. A father. A lover. A husband -- either, or, didn't matter. Since there was no positive influence of a man in the house to serve as a role model, there was this huge disconnect.

I mean, how was I supposed to know what a compatible, loving relationship between a man and a woman was like? What qualities a man was supposed to express as a lover and best friend to his wife? Or how a responsible loving father would train his children and set goals for his family to grow and prosper in life? Or how a couple would solve problems in a way that worked when the ride became bumpy?"

So when I became fast and sassy, I listened to the crap the sharpest guys were dishing out. I mean, my role model was listening to the sexy lyrics of MTV and BET videos. RAP music and the like. Checking out who wore the latest fads and had the best line. Basically I was just stumbling around life, looking for love here and there, hoping for the best.

After more hits and misses than I want to own up to, I wound up with Kurt, who moved in. Initially he perpetrated himself as the perfect man for me, wining and dining me, showering me with attention. But it was all a control game. He was manipulating me. You see, the early attention was to convince me that he really loved me. Then when he felt I was won over, he started to wean away, making excuses for his absences. Out with the boys. Gotta meet someone down on the corner. Working late. Excuses beyond time.

Sometimes he'd be gone for days-but of course he'd show up on "pay day", spend my money and dared me to ask where he'd been. And if I did show an attitude -- nighttime pleasures too sweet for words would flow again. He'd love me like no woman could resist and I'd be convinced that he loved me all over again, causing me to forget days of neglect, despite all his crap. Never mind he didn't give me any money, didn't help with the baby, didn't assist around the house - he loved me didn't he? I had a man didn't I? And he was my man.

Then there were the put-downs. He'd call me lazy, inconsiderate, fat, anything that would make me feel guilty for his negativity toward me, suggesting, given my faults, it was a privilege just to have him around. At the time, it didn't matter - I mean, you don't give up on your man. Consequently I found myself doing everything I knew how to please him. Yet many a tear-soaked pillow cradled me through lonely nights. Most times I was irritable, anxious, angry, yet I kept holding on for 13 long years loving him, hoping, praying that we'd stay together, maybe even get married."

Then...One day, the cramping knots in my stomach, the burning pain in my heart, the constant feelings of worthlessness throbbing in my head, told me enough was enough. By that time I'd learned computer skills and landed a job where a coworker recommended a counselor. The counselor taught me principles of self love and how relationships work best and I have never looked back.

Bottom line is when a woman learns to love herself first--she will recognize abuse and won't tolerate an abusive relationship ever again.

My name is Donna Patterson. At http://www.readyformarriagedating.com, I teach women the limits of Uncommitted love and sex to instead discover the six critical decisions necessary to establish Committed Love first, leading to genuine love and a husband as best friend in marriage based on a six-step transitions process. Also, Download 6 FREE Sure-Fire Dating Tips. Click here: http://www.readyformarriagedating.com