Why Do Women Stay In Abusive Relationships?

If you have a loved one in an abusive relationship, the worry and often guilt can be almost overwhelming. Why would they choose this person? Should I have said something earlier? Why didn't I sense what their partner was really like when I first met them? What should I be doing now?

The questions will eat you alive if you let them.

However, the important thing to focus on is what you can do now to help them get out of the situation and what you can do in the future to help them not get into a situation like that again.

As far as what you can do now, the main thing is just to let the person know that you are there to support them. Don't pressure them to make the decision you want them to. Also, don't pressure them to be in touch with you, to follow through on plans, or anything else that they may have become unreliable at doing. They are under constant pressure from their abusive partner, as well as probably other people in their life. You want them to think of you as the one person they can always turn to, no matter what. In this way, they will be much more likely to turn to you for help if and when they do make the difficult decision to leave their abusive relationship.

A sad reality is that people tend to repeat unhealthy patterns in their life. Therefore, a scary possibility is that you might again find yourself watching your friend begin a relationship with a dangerous partner.

Hopefully, though, you will find yourself better prepared to spot the danger signs having been through it before. Also hopefully, your friend might be more likely to trust you after you have helped them once before.

The important thing to remember is to value your friend and let them know you are there for them.

To find out more about why women stay in abusive relationships and how you can help, visit http://squidoo.com/abusiverelationships

Abused women of Ministers

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A minister’s wife is absolutely the LAST person you would ever suspect was being abused.

“Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; who substitue bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight.”  (Isaiah 5:20-21)

Women are battered every 30 seconds in this country physically, mentally, verbally and emotionally. And after years of enduring the abuse and hoping for a miracle, some of them are killed or they end up killing the abuser. But the absolute LAST woman one would ever think would find herself in an abusive situation would be the minister’s wife. Not only is she regarded as a “saint” but even more so, her husband is considered “perfect” in the eyes of his congregation, and society.

But the real truth is there are many minister’s wives who are being beaten, abused, and treated like scum by their pastor husbands and who are enduring a silent “hell” because to expose him would mean ruining his career, his ministry and destroy the faith of a congregation.

How does one explain that the man who preaches to them every Sunday about love, peace, joy, patience, endurance, family, children, and all the other morals of society that we seek to emulate, comes down out of that pulpit and goes home and beats his wife? Actually turns into a “monster?”

Hard to believe, but it is happening as I write these words. Because there are ministers out there who are Psychopaths, wolves in sheep’s clothing that the Bible warns us about. Pretending to be one thing, but they are actually just the opposite. See my article on
“Do you live with a Psychopath?”

It starts out very subtle. Most minister’s wives have supported their minister husbands through seminary, maybe even worked to put him through seminary, dutifully listened to him practice his sermons on her at home, worn the “many hats” that the congregation places on her head, like choir director, Sunday school teacher, youth director, secretary, President of the women’s society, entertained the parsonage committee, headed up Vacation Bible School, etc.

And through all of this, she is being called ugly names by her minister husband, like “fat”, “ugly”, “stupid”, etc. She could be being kicked, slapped, shoved, thrown, punched, had her life threatened, etc. all of this and more at home, behind the closed doors of the parsonage, and no one would ever know. Because they look like such a happy family at church.

She herself is having a hard time believing that this man who she loves, and who preaches God’s love, would hate and slowly destroy his wife. This is not what she thought being married to a minister was all about. And because she is very spiritual herself, and may even be a great student of the Bible, she believes that if she just tries harder, there would be nothing for her husband to complain about.

How does one endure a beating on a Saturday night and then get up on Sunday morning, get the children ready and then show up and sit in the front pew, right in front of the person who beat her, with a smile on her face, and have to listen to him preach his sermon on “How to love your wife?” When the reality is he just threw her down the kitchen stairs the night before?

How does she show up at all the hundreds of church functions acting as if nothing is happening? Does she wear long sleeves to hide her bruises? Does she show up in a neck brace one Sunday because her pastor husband threw her into a wall, but tell the congregation that her dog pulled her off her front porch?

Does she pray to God every night to help her to become more attractive to her husband? Or more submissive? Or does she ask God to change her husband?

Does she worry about what the congregation would do if she told them, at the same time realizing that they might not belive her?

Just exactly HOW does she sit in that front pew, smiling, responding to the sermon or the little jokes that her husband makes about her in the Sunday service, and not vomit as he reads beautiful scriptures about LOVE?

And what about the children? Do they witness their mother being abused, and then are they told to keep quiet about things? Do they have to “smile right along with her in church? Does she know that one day he will abuse the children as well if not already? Does she see that the children are becoming very cynical about a God who does nothing about changing their father? Just exactly what are they learning about God anyway?

And what does she do when her minister husband openly flirts with the women in the church and compliments them on how pretty they look, right in front of her, and then goes home and tells his wife that she is fat and ugly, even if it is not true?

And what does she do when she knows the community and the congregation will probably not believe her and rally around the minister? And how about the fact that if she goes to the District Superintendent or the church hierarchy and they don’t believe her?

Well, there comes a point when enough is enough. That time comes differently for different women, but sooner or later he will do the one last thing that breaks the final straw. That is when she ceases to be afraid of him. When protecting the children becomes more important than protecting his job, or the congregation’s opinion of him.

She realizes that “the pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of making a change in her life.”

And she comes to the point where his hypocrisy is more than she can defend or bare.

Does she get to the point where she hates him, and it makes her sick to hear him preaching from the pulpit all these platitudes as if he actually believed or knew what they meant, and she wishes he would die, or get in an accident, or never ever come home again?

Has she several times almost called up the district superintendent, or the bishop to tell them what he is doing to her, and then realized that they probably won’t believe her, but they will support him?

Does she get angry at God for allowing this to happen? Does she question God’s ability to protect her and her children? Or does she build up tremendous resentment towards God?

Each minister’s wife will have her own story to tell. Is her husband good looking, charming, have a real gift for gab, but is he the biggest hypocrite that ever lived, yet all the people in the congregation just LOVE him?

And how hard is it to open in the mail all those “thank you” cards from various members of the congregation writing beautiful words of gratitude and compliments to your husband about what a wonderful man he is, and how they could “not have made it through the funeral, or the wedding, or the accident or some other crisis without him?

Especially the little old ladies whose husbands he buried, and how about the brides he married, and the babies he baptized? It all seems so unbelievable that it has turned out like this doesn’t it? This man, who you believed in and loved deeply has now become your worst enemy. You are afraid he may actually kill you one day, because he has already threatened to.

Well take hope …. it can be done ….. God will do it for you if you can’t. He will get you OUT of that marriage with your soul and your children intact. But YOU must “let go” of the dream that your husband will ever change, or it is your fault, or you are too fat, or too thin, or not a good mother, etc. and all the other names he can think up.

Men who batter women are sick. Their problems have nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with their childhood, their relationship with their parents, especially their mothers, and most importantly their relationship with God.

YOU CANNOT FIX THEM.

And more importantly, if you have a good relationship with God, hiding your husband’s abuse is as hypocritical as his hiding his abuse of you. You are not doing your children or the congregation any favors by allowing this to continue. Even if your husband has helped people in the church what do you think they would think if they knew that the man who married them, for example ALSO beats you? Would you want that type of minister to officiate at your wedding, your funeral, baptize your baby?

SOMEONE in the clergy family HAS to be HONEST for your sake, for the sake of your children, who are being abused everyday by having to sit and watch this “lie” that is in your home, and your marriage, and it is also giving them the WRONG idea of who God is.

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Domestic violence shelter for pets in Australia, but opens shelter for women suffering from domestic violence

There is a new article on http://www.shrink4men.com/. It is an opinion piece of about a new domestic violence shelter for pets that just opened in Australia. Highlights the flagrant lack of domestic violence for men who abuse objectives of female partner and the absurdity of the financing services for DV shelter animals help human women and their children.

Here's the link:

Domestic violence shelter for pets, but not for women and their children: secure beds for pets

With appreciation

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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The gentlemen's Club, a story for all women

November 13, 2010 at 2. Books/novels for women, 1. Becky Due/Author Becky Due, 6. The gentlemen's Club: a story for all women | Tags: Becky Due, women's fiction, book reviews, modern romance read Online free balance of women, female force book Romance book clubs, book clubs news, women's fiction and romance, books

I was on the edge. I had the feeling that things were changing. I had slept in the same parking very often, but it was my favorite. Belonged to a company with employees, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Small hills surrounded my car blocking my way. I felt safe is just off the main road. The same traffic that made me my security risk are also created.

— Members of the Club, a story for all women

—

http://www.beckydue.com/

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May be offensive for women?

There is a new article on the new Shrink4Men that research and statistics about the fact that women are the perpetrators of abuse by almost 50% of the cases are partner abuse reported.

For men and women who fight to recognize that men also just as often as women targets of abuse can be, hopefully this post will help to shed some light on the matter. Here is the link:

Abused for men from women?

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Why High-conflict, misused women try to destroy the Christmas holiday season

There is a new article on http://www.shrink4men.com/explores common behavior of abusive men with Christmas and possible explanations for their behavior and attempts to holidays and other special occasions to destroy.

Here's the link:

Why offensive, destroy High-conflict, personality-disordered women frequent Christmas

Yours sincerely

Dr. Tara j. Pal mat Irishman, PsyD

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Relationship deal-breaker: When women False accusations and threaten to call the police

This article describes why false accusations of abuse and threats to the police to call with your girlfriend or wife is unfair, because certain high-conflict and personality disordered women exercise of these behaviors and why it must be a clear indication that you need to protect yourself from further abuse and probably the end of the relationship.

Here's the link:

The Ultimate relationship deal-breaker for men: False accusations and threaten to call the police

Yours sincerely

Dr. Tara j. Pal mat Irishman, PsyD

View the original article here

Relationship Abuse - Why, What, How? Abuse Help For Women From Broken Homes

The root problem, especially for women from broken homes, is that they long to be loved by a man--even if the relationship is less than healthy. Even if they have to tolerate abusive behavior just to be loved. Following is Chanelle's story.

My home was dysfunctional - unwed mother, no father. Mom did a fine job of raising us, but it was one-sided. So I grew up with this need in me to be loved by a man. A father. A lover. A husband -- either, or, didn't matter. Since there was no positive influence of a man in the house to serve as a role model, there was this huge disconnect.

I mean, how was I supposed to know what a compatible, loving relationship between a man and a woman was like? What qualities a man was supposed to express as a lover and best friend to his wife? Or how a responsible loving father would train his children and set goals for his family to grow and prosper in life? Or how a couple would solve problems in a way that worked when the ride became bumpy?"

So when I became fast and sassy, I listened to the crap the sharpest guys were dishing out. I mean, my role model was listening to the sexy lyrics of MTV and BET videos. RAP music and the like. Checking out who wore the latest fads and had the best line. Basically I was just stumbling around life, looking for love here and there, hoping for the best.

After more hits and misses than I want to own up to, I wound up with Kurt, who moved in. Initially he perpetrated himself as the perfect man for me, wining and dining me, showering me with attention. But it was all a control game. He was manipulating me. You see, the early attention was to convince me that he really loved me. Then when he felt I was won over, he started to wean away, making excuses for his absences. Out with the boys. Gotta meet someone down on the corner. Working late. Excuses beyond time.

Sometimes he'd be gone for days-but of course he'd show up on "pay day", spend my money and dared me to ask where he'd been. And if I did show an attitude -- nighttime pleasures too sweet for words would flow again. He'd love me like no woman could resist and I'd be convinced that he loved me all over again, causing me to forget days of neglect, despite all his crap. Never mind he didn't give me any money, didn't help with the baby, didn't assist around the house - he loved me didn't he? I had a man didn't I? And he was my man.

Then there were the put-downs. He'd call me lazy, inconsiderate, fat, anything that would make me feel guilty for his negativity toward me, suggesting, given my faults, it was a privilege just to have him around. At the time, it didn't matter - I mean, you don't give up on your man. Consequently I found myself doing everything I knew how to please him. Yet many a tear-soaked pillow cradled me through lonely nights. Most times I was irritable, anxious, angry, yet I kept holding on for 13 long years loving him, hoping, praying that we'd stay together, maybe even get married."

Then...One day, the cramping knots in my stomach, the burning pain in my heart, the constant feelings of worthlessness throbbing in my head, told me enough was enough. By that time I'd learned computer skills and landed a job where a coworker recommended a counselor. The counselor taught me principles of self love and how relationships work best and I have never looked back.

Bottom line is when a woman learns to love herself first--she will recognize abuse and won't tolerate an abusive relationship ever again.

My name is Donna Patterson. At http://www.readyformarriagedating.com, I teach women the limits of Uncommitted love and sex to instead discover the six critical decisions necessary to establish Committed Love first, leading to genuine love and a husband as best friend in marriage based on a six-step transitions process. Also, Download 6 FREE Sure-Fire Dating Tips. Click here: http://www.readyformarriagedating.com

Lies Abused Women Tell Themselves

There are, apparently, two kinds of abused women; those who grow up in a climate of abuse, and those who grow up in functional families, enjoy a healthy relationship but then become vulnerable either through bereavement or another major life crisis.

Of the many, many women who have spoken or written to me over the years, offhand, I can only think of two who belong to the second category.

However different their past experiences of relationships may have been, nevertheless, in the course of their abusive relationship, the beliefs of these two groups of women become, tragically, indistinguishable.

This happens because abused women try very hard to learn from their relationships. They are desperate to learn what they are doing wrong so they can change it.

There are, essentially, two ways that they learn. The first is from what their partner says. The second is from their interpretation of his behaviour.

An abusive partner rapidly becomes the most influential person in their life.

He has the power to take them to dizzy heights of happiness (although the statistical odds of this happening decrease markedly the longer the relationship limps on).

He has the power to plunge them into the depths of despair, and usually does. When he does, his partner needs to explain what has happened to herself. She has been consistently programmed to believe that he is a precious diamond (albeit a diamond in the rough). Therefore the problems in the relationship cannot really be his. That being the case, they must be hers, mustn't they?

Theoretically, there is good news here: if the responsibility for what goes wrong with the relationship lies with her, then she has only to discover what she is doing wrong to be able to change it. Then he will shed the harshness he sometimes exhibits and forever after they will live a life of unparalleled joy and delight...

(Yeah, right.)

Last night I watched the wonderful Derren Brown illustrate how susceptible human beings are to suspicion. He created a situation that encouraged 5 people, of proven intelligence, to believe that their random, meaningless acts could produce the outcome they desired.

The best of it was that these 5 resourceful individuals become so obsessed with futile behaviours, and looking for futile meanings, that they missed the solution which he had displayed, quite prominently, hidden in full view; had they only had the mindfulness to look. They didn't.

My guess is that you have probably done that in your relationship. I know I did.

So here are some of the lies that blind abused women to the reality of their relationship that is hidden in full view.

"It's all my fault". Is your partner, perhaps, a newborn baby that he can avoid all responsibility for his own behaviour? When he screams obscenities, foams at the mouth, punches holes in the wall, or worse, does he have absolutely no control? Are you really that powerful? (If so, how come you generally feel so powerless in the situation??)

"I'm being stupid". Yes, you are, but not for the reasons you think. If you can totally discount your profound feelings of unhappiness, I have to admit that is a kind of emotional stupidity. If you are unhappy around him, the message you need to hear is that being around him makes you miserable. You can be much happier without him; once you get over the belief that you need him to make you happy.

"He doesn't mean it/ doesn't want to hurt me". Maybe, just maybe, if he had only ever said the hurtful things once that might be true. But when they become a regular part of his repertoire you'd better believe that either:

a) He doesn't care what he says to exert control over you

b) He means them

"He's had a hard time". Ok, so that one may be true. Thing is, so have you. And you're putting all your energies into trying to make his life sweeter. This means that you have taken the decision to create something meaningful precisely because of your past unhappiness. Sure, it will be even better when you start focusing on doing it for yourself rather than another wounded soldier. But if you are capable of making that choice, how come he isn't?

"I just know we can be happy together". Funny then, isn't it, that you are saying this at a time when you feel as low as you have ever felt in your life, and he has a lot to do with it? Given half a chance, I know, you will tell me how happy you were at the beginning. (If I had a dime for every time I've heard that story I'd be writing this from my palazzo in Venice, looking out at the gondolas gliding up and down the Grand Canal.) But here's the thing: your happiness spiel is the expurgated version. Behind it lies a less attractive tale about the things that worried you about him from the word 'go'. That is, before he set to work hypnotizing you with his silver tongued lies about knowing that you were so wonderful you could make his life perfect. (Now there is a tall order. If he isn't prepared to do it for himself, it's just not going to happen. That's an unspoken law of the universe.)

"He has so much potential". Maybe he has and maybe he hasn't. You're not his teacher, his boss or his agent. Still less are you his parent or his psychotherapist. Unless he is under the age of about 16 - and I sincerely hope he is not - realizing his potential is his responsibility. Besides, I don't really think you are talking about his potential to succeed in the world. What you are concerned with is his potential to become a great life partner. He, clearly, does not share that concern.

"I'm ruining/have ruined the best relationship I can ever expect." There are two glaring inaccuracies in this brief phrase. First, the best relationship? Yes, you may have had some other dire relationships, but you wouldn't be in a state of emotional melt-down now if this was a good relationship. You would be happy, relaxed, confident. Everything about you screams 'bad relationship' - and you know it. As for it being the best you can ever expect, that's what he has told you, isn't it? So it must be right. Because abusive men are never wrong. Ever. Are they? About anything. Sure, some present themselves very credibly to the outside world, but you know as well as I do that within the confines of their home they have a pretty skewed view about most things.

"It's not him, it's me." Well, at least the two of you agree on something; your hopelessness. It can be the basis for a relationship, as you have already discovered. It's certainly not the basis for a happy, functional one.

These are not the only lies that abused women tell themselves, but they are some of the key destructive ones. If they are lies that you have been telling yourself, the time has come to think seriously, now, about getting out. Your relationship is a sow's ear, it's never going to be a silk purse. More to the point, your partner may be a frog, but he will never be a prince.

You, on the other hand, have so many generous and loving qualities. They are what took you into this relationship in the first place. They are still with you. It's time you think seriously about getting out and lavishing some of your love on yourself. You will be amazed how rich the rewards will be.

(C) 2008 Annie Kaszina

Dr Annie Kaszina Ph D, is a coach and writer who has helped hundreds of women to regain their clear-sightedness, rebuild their confidence and their self-worth, in the aftermath of a bad relationship. Annie is the author of "The Woman You Want To Be" and "But If I Say "No" They Won't Like Me"

To find out more and sign up to Annie's free bi-monthly ezine visit http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com You can email Annie at: annie@EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com

Women in Abusive Relationships - The Issue in Plague Proportions That Hardly Ever Gets Mentioned

Women in abusive relationships is a scourge that is a plague throughout the world.

Before I proceed I need to comment on the widely held belief that abounds today that abuse in relationships is as likely to be perpetrated by women as it is by men.

My comment is - poppycock. In other words, this is nonsense. The figures we constantly hear are that 1 in 3 women all around the world are in abusive relationships, and that does not include the broader definition of all the non physical aspects of abuse.

It diverts our attention away from dealing with the issues associated with women being abused in relationships. So little has been achieved to this point in time and this red herring gets thrown into the ring to distract us.

In my view it is an indication of part of the problem. It attempts to contradict the vastness of the issue of women in abusive relationships, and demonstrates how those who put forward this belief, are blind to the consequences.

This is not to deny that some women are abusive in relationships, but it is not comparable.

In all my years as a counsellor, I saw women constantly who were living in absolute fear of the men they were living with. I have never seen one man who has claimed he is living in fear of the woman he was living with.

It never ceases to amaze me how the issue of women in abusive relationships gets such little attention.

We keep hearing that 1 in 3 women experience physical abuse in their relationships, not to mention all the other abuse that is experienced as well.

We hear that 3 women a day are killed by a male partner in the US. In Australia it is 1 every 5 days.

Being a woman in an abusive relationship, is still the biggest threat of injury to women - more than heart attacks, cancer, strokes, car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

Statistics tell us the most dangerous place for a woman to be is in her own home - not some dark alley, or seedy neighborhood, or a parking lot.

Yet the warning that is regularly put forward is to be wary in such places - and also of strangers.

In addition, today, we are bombarded by the belief that we are at the mercy of terrorists and we need to be alert to the possibility of being targeted. Billions of dollars is being spent on our protection.

The outcomes of women being in abusive relationships highlights the contrast, and the evidence against, the panic associated with so-called terrorism.

Terrorism in the home throughout the world, is gigantic in comparison, yet barely gets a mention, and peanuts is spent on dealing with it in any meaningful way.

Any money that is spent on the issues associated with women in abusive relationships, tends to be on what I would call band aiding issues.

That is to say, it is usually spent on paying for women to live in safe houses and the expenses associated with getting them to that point.

Whilst this is necessary and a good thing, it plays no part in creating any real changes that are necessary to make a difference.

Some governments have policies claiming to aim at eliminating and preventing abuse in relationships, yet have nothing more in place than indicated above.

A major campaign is required as a start for overcoming the problem of women in abusive relationships.

The community generally needs to be made aware of the widespread nature of the problem.This needs to be done by making contact with a broad cross section of media outlets and getting them to do interviews with those who have the information available.

Articles about the problem of women in abusive relationships need to be submitted to these outlets as well. In addition talks must be organized with a whole range of people such as corporate groups, schools, government departments etc., etc.

The issue of women being in abusive relationships is increasingly being recognized as a serious violation of basic human rights.

Today, international organizations, such as the World Health Organization, regard the prevention of abuse in relationships as a high priority and there is a need for urgent action.

A World Health Organization report demonstrates that women being in abusive relationships is widespread and deeply ingrained, and has serious impacts on women's health and well-being.

According to Amnesty International, violence against women in relationships is the greatest human rights scandal of our times.

Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a broad range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily, and particularly abusive relationships. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police, politicians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work. He is the author of the eBook "How To Have An Extraordinary Relationship". His website is http://www.relationship-tips-for-you.com