Abused women of Ministers

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A minister’s wife is absolutely the LAST person you would ever suspect was being abused.

“Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; who substitue bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight.”  (Isaiah 5:20-21)

Women are battered every 30 seconds in this country physically, mentally, verbally and emotionally. And after years of enduring the abuse and hoping for a miracle, some of them are killed or they end up killing the abuser. But the absolute LAST woman one would ever think would find herself in an abusive situation would be the minister’s wife. Not only is she regarded as a “saint” but even more so, her husband is considered “perfect” in the eyes of his congregation, and society.

But the real truth is there are many minister’s wives who are being beaten, abused, and treated like scum by their pastor husbands and who are enduring a silent “hell” because to expose him would mean ruining his career, his ministry and destroy the faith of a congregation.

How does one explain that the man who preaches to them every Sunday about love, peace, joy, patience, endurance, family, children, and all the other morals of society that we seek to emulate, comes down out of that pulpit and goes home and beats his wife? Actually turns into a “monster?”

Hard to believe, but it is happening as I write these words. Because there are ministers out there who are Psychopaths, wolves in sheep’s clothing that the Bible warns us about. Pretending to be one thing, but they are actually just the opposite. See my article on
“Do you live with a Psychopath?”

It starts out very subtle. Most minister’s wives have supported their minister husbands through seminary, maybe even worked to put him through seminary, dutifully listened to him practice his sermons on her at home, worn the “many hats” that the congregation places on her head, like choir director, Sunday school teacher, youth director, secretary, President of the women’s society, entertained the parsonage committee, headed up Vacation Bible School, etc.

And through all of this, she is being called ugly names by her minister husband, like “fat”, “ugly”, “stupid”, etc. She could be being kicked, slapped, shoved, thrown, punched, had her life threatened, etc. all of this and more at home, behind the closed doors of the parsonage, and no one would ever know. Because they look like such a happy family at church.

She herself is having a hard time believing that this man who she loves, and who preaches God’s love, would hate and slowly destroy his wife. This is not what she thought being married to a minister was all about. And because she is very spiritual herself, and may even be a great student of the Bible, she believes that if she just tries harder, there would be nothing for her husband to complain about.

How does one endure a beating on a Saturday night and then get up on Sunday morning, get the children ready and then show up and sit in the front pew, right in front of the person who beat her, with a smile on her face, and have to listen to him preach his sermon on “How to love your wife?” When the reality is he just threw her down the kitchen stairs the night before?

How does she show up at all the hundreds of church functions acting as if nothing is happening? Does she wear long sleeves to hide her bruises? Does she show up in a neck brace one Sunday because her pastor husband threw her into a wall, but tell the congregation that her dog pulled her off her front porch?

Does she pray to God every night to help her to become more attractive to her husband? Or more submissive? Or does she ask God to change her husband?

Does she worry about what the congregation would do if she told them, at the same time realizing that they might not belive her?

Just exactly HOW does she sit in that front pew, smiling, responding to the sermon or the little jokes that her husband makes about her in the Sunday service, and not vomit as he reads beautiful scriptures about LOVE?

And what about the children? Do they witness their mother being abused, and then are they told to keep quiet about things? Do they have to “smile right along with her in church? Does she know that one day he will abuse the children as well if not already? Does she see that the children are becoming very cynical about a God who does nothing about changing their father? Just exactly what are they learning about God anyway?

And what does she do when her minister husband openly flirts with the women in the church and compliments them on how pretty they look, right in front of her, and then goes home and tells his wife that she is fat and ugly, even if it is not true?

And what does she do when she knows the community and the congregation will probably not believe her and rally around the minister? And how about the fact that if she goes to the District Superintendent or the church hierarchy and they don’t believe her?

Well, there comes a point when enough is enough. That time comes differently for different women, but sooner or later he will do the one last thing that breaks the final straw. That is when she ceases to be afraid of him. When protecting the children becomes more important than protecting his job, or the congregation’s opinion of him.

She realizes that “the pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of making a change in her life.”

And she comes to the point where his hypocrisy is more than she can defend or bare.

Does she get to the point where she hates him, and it makes her sick to hear him preaching from the pulpit all these platitudes as if he actually believed or knew what they meant, and she wishes he would die, or get in an accident, or never ever come home again?

Has she several times almost called up the district superintendent, or the bishop to tell them what he is doing to her, and then realized that they probably won’t believe her, but they will support him?

Does she get angry at God for allowing this to happen? Does she question God’s ability to protect her and her children? Or does she build up tremendous resentment towards God?

Each minister’s wife will have her own story to tell. Is her husband good looking, charming, have a real gift for gab, but is he the biggest hypocrite that ever lived, yet all the people in the congregation just LOVE him?

And how hard is it to open in the mail all those “thank you” cards from various members of the congregation writing beautiful words of gratitude and compliments to your husband about what a wonderful man he is, and how they could “not have made it through the funeral, or the wedding, or the accident or some other crisis without him?

Especially the little old ladies whose husbands he buried, and how about the brides he married, and the babies he baptized? It all seems so unbelievable that it has turned out like this doesn’t it? This man, who you believed in and loved deeply has now become your worst enemy. You are afraid he may actually kill you one day, because he has already threatened to.

Well take hope …. it can be done ….. God will do it for you if you can’t. He will get you OUT of that marriage with your soul and your children intact. But YOU must “let go” of the dream that your husband will ever change, or it is your fault, or you are too fat, or too thin, or not a good mother, etc. and all the other names he can think up.

Men who batter women are sick. Their problems have nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with their childhood, their relationship with their parents, especially their mothers, and most importantly their relationship with God.

YOU CANNOT FIX THEM.

And more importantly, if you have a good relationship with God, hiding your husband’s abuse is as hypocritical as his hiding his abuse of you. You are not doing your children or the congregation any favors by allowing this to continue. Even if your husband has helped people in the church what do you think they would think if they knew that the man who married them, for example ALSO beats you? Would you want that type of minister to officiate at your wedding, your funeral, baptize your baby?

SOMEONE in the clergy family HAS to be HONEST for your sake, for the sake of your children, who are being abused everyday by having to sit and watch this “lie” that is in your home, and your marriage, and it is also giving them the WRONG idea of who God is.

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Lies Abused Women Tell Themselves

There are, apparently, two kinds of abused women; those who grow up in a climate of abuse, and those who grow up in functional families, enjoy a healthy relationship but then become vulnerable either through bereavement or another major life crisis.

Of the many, many women who have spoken or written to me over the years, offhand, I can only think of two who belong to the second category.

However different their past experiences of relationships may have been, nevertheless, in the course of their abusive relationship, the beliefs of these two groups of women become, tragically, indistinguishable.

This happens because abused women try very hard to learn from their relationships. They are desperate to learn what they are doing wrong so they can change it.

There are, essentially, two ways that they learn. The first is from what their partner says. The second is from their interpretation of his behaviour.

An abusive partner rapidly becomes the most influential person in their life.

He has the power to take them to dizzy heights of happiness (although the statistical odds of this happening decrease markedly the longer the relationship limps on).

He has the power to plunge them into the depths of despair, and usually does. When he does, his partner needs to explain what has happened to herself. She has been consistently programmed to believe that he is a precious diamond (albeit a diamond in the rough). Therefore the problems in the relationship cannot really be his. That being the case, they must be hers, mustn't they?

Theoretically, there is good news here: if the responsibility for what goes wrong with the relationship lies with her, then she has only to discover what she is doing wrong to be able to change it. Then he will shed the harshness he sometimes exhibits and forever after they will live a life of unparalleled joy and delight...

(Yeah, right.)

Last night I watched the wonderful Derren Brown illustrate how susceptible human beings are to suspicion. He created a situation that encouraged 5 people, of proven intelligence, to believe that their random, meaningless acts could produce the outcome they desired.

The best of it was that these 5 resourceful individuals become so obsessed with futile behaviours, and looking for futile meanings, that they missed the solution which he had displayed, quite prominently, hidden in full view; had they only had the mindfulness to look. They didn't.

My guess is that you have probably done that in your relationship. I know I did.

So here are some of the lies that blind abused women to the reality of their relationship that is hidden in full view.

"It's all my fault". Is your partner, perhaps, a newborn baby that he can avoid all responsibility for his own behaviour? When he screams obscenities, foams at the mouth, punches holes in the wall, or worse, does he have absolutely no control? Are you really that powerful? (If so, how come you generally feel so powerless in the situation??)

"I'm being stupid". Yes, you are, but not for the reasons you think. If you can totally discount your profound feelings of unhappiness, I have to admit that is a kind of emotional stupidity. If you are unhappy around him, the message you need to hear is that being around him makes you miserable. You can be much happier without him; once you get over the belief that you need him to make you happy.

"He doesn't mean it/ doesn't want to hurt me". Maybe, just maybe, if he had only ever said the hurtful things once that might be true. But when they become a regular part of his repertoire you'd better believe that either:

a) He doesn't care what he says to exert control over you

b) He means them

"He's had a hard time". Ok, so that one may be true. Thing is, so have you. And you're putting all your energies into trying to make his life sweeter. This means that you have taken the decision to create something meaningful precisely because of your past unhappiness. Sure, it will be even better when you start focusing on doing it for yourself rather than another wounded soldier. But if you are capable of making that choice, how come he isn't?

"I just know we can be happy together". Funny then, isn't it, that you are saying this at a time when you feel as low as you have ever felt in your life, and he has a lot to do with it? Given half a chance, I know, you will tell me how happy you were at the beginning. (If I had a dime for every time I've heard that story I'd be writing this from my palazzo in Venice, looking out at the gondolas gliding up and down the Grand Canal.) But here's the thing: your happiness spiel is the expurgated version. Behind it lies a less attractive tale about the things that worried you about him from the word 'go'. That is, before he set to work hypnotizing you with his silver tongued lies about knowing that you were so wonderful you could make his life perfect. (Now there is a tall order. If he isn't prepared to do it for himself, it's just not going to happen. That's an unspoken law of the universe.)

"He has so much potential". Maybe he has and maybe he hasn't. You're not his teacher, his boss or his agent. Still less are you his parent or his psychotherapist. Unless he is under the age of about 16 - and I sincerely hope he is not - realizing his potential is his responsibility. Besides, I don't really think you are talking about his potential to succeed in the world. What you are concerned with is his potential to become a great life partner. He, clearly, does not share that concern.

"I'm ruining/have ruined the best relationship I can ever expect." There are two glaring inaccuracies in this brief phrase. First, the best relationship? Yes, you may have had some other dire relationships, but you wouldn't be in a state of emotional melt-down now if this was a good relationship. You would be happy, relaxed, confident. Everything about you screams 'bad relationship' - and you know it. As for it being the best you can ever expect, that's what he has told you, isn't it? So it must be right. Because abusive men are never wrong. Ever. Are they? About anything. Sure, some present themselves very credibly to the outside world, but you know as well as I do that within the confines of their home they have a pretty skewed view about most things.

"It's not him, it's me." Well, at least the two of you agree on something; your hopelessness. It can be the basis for a relationship, as you have already discovered. It's certainly not the basis for a happy, functional one.

These are not the only lies that abused women tell themselves, but they are some of the key destructive ones. If they are lies that you have been telling yourself, the time has come to think seriously, now, about getting out. Your relationship is a sow's ear, it's never going to be a silk purse. More to the point, your partner may be a frog, but he will never be a prince.

You, on the other hand, have so many generous and loving qualities. They are what took you into this relationship in the first place. They are still with you. It's time you think seriously about getting out and lavishing some of your love on yourself. You will be amazed how rich the rewards will be.

(C) 2008 Annie Kaszina

Dr Annie Kaszina Ph D, is a coach and writer who has helped hundreds of women to regain their clear-sightedness, rebuild their confidence and their self-worth, in the aftermath of a bad relationship. Annie is the author of "The Woman You Want To Be" and "But If I Say "No" They Won't Like Me"

To find out more and sign up to Annie's free bi-monthly ezine visit http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com You can email Annie at: annie@EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com

Daughter in an Abusive Relationship - 3 Deadly Mistakes Parents Make in Helping the Abused

Parents are often the first to recognize when their children are in abusive relationships. However, their awareness is not always used to the benefit of their abused children.

Why? Because of the fumble that occurs when they make one or more of the following 3 deadly mistakes parents make when they come to the aid of their children in abusive relationships.

1) Parents may attempt to shine the light on the abusive relationship as though they are telling their child that this is a bad food to eat or this is a bad investment to consider. And they expect their adult child to awaken to reality as they themselves see it.

This more often than not does not work, because of their close familial proximity to the abused partner.

2) Parents of children abused by intimate partners frequently fail to factor in the dynamics of their own relationship with their children when they "come to the aid" of their child.

And these very parent-child dynamics can, and often do, serve as the glue that adds to solidifying their child's abusive relationship.

3) Parents who are steadfast in their beliefs about what's good for and not good for their children can resort to creating contingencies around their child's staying/leaving the relationship.

And this will invariably backfire and even spiral into a power struggle between parent and child, as well as ignite resentment that overshadows the pain of the abusive relationship.

So what can you do when you sense, or know, your adult child is in an abusive relationship? The exact same thing you would do if your child needed a root canal or some other clinical intervention. Find a professional with expertise in the issues before you, enlist their services and support the process you engage.

The earlier you get out of your own way and rely on the resources of objective professionals, the sooner you will be influential in helping your adult child awaken to and deal with their abusive relationship.

For more information about helping someone in an abusive relationship, I invite you to check out Stop Domestic Abuse - Helping Others Break the Cycle, where you can also claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in court. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/helping_stop_abuse.php

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

You have a friend operating?

Statistics show that adolescents from 1 to 3 has experienced violence in a dating relationship. Most is a partner who try to and control over others by type of abuse.

Most victims of dating violence are young women at risk higher injury. 16. The price per capita higher intimate violence experience of 24 - almost 1 women 50 years of women. (Office of the special report of justice: intimate partner violence, May 2001) Teen often dating violence is hidden, because teenagers are inexperienced, independent of their parents. and you are pressed for peers to begin dating at a young age.

Some young men to believe are entitled, "Set" or do you think will lose "Compliance" If you attention and support your small friends.

You are in error?

It might be thought, are the cause of the problem. Perhaps think his jealousy and Abusiveness really means that he loves you so he himself cannot control.
She might think, because you have friends who are abused, it is normal or think that you can change.

It would be mistaken for these counts and the statistics prove that beyond a shadow of a doubt. If your friend is now abusive, it will get no better, it gets really bad worse Wo, until one day it or even you kills. This is serious.

Ask yourself these questions; if you answer Yes to one or more of the following questions about youth, you're dating, are in danger, that a serious problem. Several are Yes it get a new friend.

Is the use of alcohol or drugs?

He has extreme mood fluctuations? As one minute and the next angry?

This is very jealous? It gets in competition with other young look?

He has used force during an argument or intimacy?

It has to blame other people type or herausreden on its problems?

It is oral unreasonable for you? (Cry of all time, bring down, call stupid, threatens you)?

He handled his mother with callous disrespect or medium is your computer? Small old friends, saying that he misused?

He tries or you control, to say that you can see where time?

Try to take away from your family or attempt, tell you him that he knows what is best for you and your family always wrong is dependent on the mark?

Again, if the two things is true, you must cancel and someone signs are far from it as possible to get it, because those who abused or abuse are women.