Abusive Relationships - 3 Deadly Mistakes in Assuming Responsibility For the Battering Behavior

We hear it all the time: "You're not responsible for your abuser's battering behavior." Yet, victims of domestic abuse spend an inordinate amount of time trying to alter this behavior. Fix it. Change it. Account for it.

Often, and usually unknowingly, this invites three deadly mistakes victims of domestic abuse make in their abusive relationships.

3 deadly mistakes of shouldering the responsibility for battering behavior 

1) From others:  You inadvertently tell bystanders that you own all or part of the battering. You asked for it. You enjoy it...you deserve it. This is where the myth that "she deserves it" comes from.

2) From your partner:  When you join the dance and try to change your partner, you assume the responsibility to fix it. And if you're doing this, it must be your fault. This supports your abuser's belief that it is partly, or completely, your fault, which lends permission to continue to give you what you deserve...more battering.

3) From yourself:  Your efforts to change your partner prevent you from changing yourself, because no one is then available to tend to your own business. When you are in someone else's business being responsible for their behavior, how can you be in our own business? You can't.

Byron Katie says this so clearly. When you're not in your own business, you're disconnected from yourself. It is as though no one is home minding your affairs. And your connection to your authentic self is severed. This is the greatest death domestic abuse survivors endure.

If you are a victim of domestic abuse and you find yourself giving excuses for your batterer's behavior, halt and remember these three deadly mistakes. Recognize how your efforts to change your abusive partner result in the continuation of your abusive relationship and your loss of your authentic self.

For a deeper understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships, see Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identify Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

?2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention

Abusive Relationship - 3 Deadly Mistakes of Using Compliance and Submission As Survival Tools

As a domestic violence survivor, you know that you use compliance and submission to keep a lid on your partner. And the net result is you keep violence at bay...or so it appears.

While this is a very effective strategy to stay safe in one's home, it has its price. What are your compliance and your submission costing you?

Compliance and submission exercised to keep a lid on one's violent partner yields the following:

1) Keeps you in the dark with respect to who and what you are. If you routinely dismiss factoring in your desires, you ultimately lose sight of what they are. You become accustomed to making decisions without checking in with yourself.

In your abusive relationship, you can expect this to help keep peace. Without anything rocking the boat-like your individual opinions, you anticipate smooth sailing.

But the day will come when you realize that you, yourself, do not know who and what you are. And even more disturbing, you've lost the tools to access your inner knowing, your personal preferences, your individual needs, desires and dreams.

2) Keeps your partner in the dark with respect to who and what you are. If your preferences are consistently shoved to the side, your partner cannot cultivate an authentic appreciation of who you are.

In an abusive relationship, this works fine because abusers only seek to know you as an extension of them. Thus, if you are catering to his/her needs and supporting life from his/her vision and dreams, all is well.

But the day will come when both you and your partner realize that he/she has no clue as to who and what you are. And as a habit, he/she will fail to factor you in as a participating partner in the relationship, which then...

3) Tells you and your partner that your relationship consists of one person. If your desires and preferences are withheld or dismissed, you implicitly agree not to exist in the relationship.

In an abusive relationship, this, too, works fine. In fact, this is a requirement for the abusive relationship to maintain itself. There can only be one "real" person in the relationship in order for it to prevail. The other person is there to support the existence and expression of the dominant, controlling party in the relationship.

Ultimately, over time, it occurs to you that you have no relationship. Because your "relationship us" is really about one person-your abusive partner.

If you are using compliance and submission to keep peace in your home, be mindful of the long-term disturbance that you are inevitably creating for yourself. Seek to break the cycle of domestic abuse, before you lose yourself in your relationship.

For information about abusive relationships, visit http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ebooks.php and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Daughter in an Abusive Relationship - 3 Deadly Mistakes Parents Make in Helping the Abused

Parents are often the first to recognize when their children are in abusive relationships. However, their awareness is not always used to the benefit of their abused children.

Why? Because of the fumble that occurs when they make one or more of the following 3 deadly mistakes parents make when they come to the aid of their children in abusive relationships.

1) Parents may attempt to shine the light on the abusive relationship as though they are telling their child that this is a bad food to eat or this is a bad investment to consider. And they expect their adult child to awaken to reality as they themselves see it.

This more often than not does not work, because of their close familial proximity to the abused partner.

2) Parents of children abused by intimate partners frequently fail to factor in the dynamics of their own relationship with their children when they "come to the aid" of their child.

And these very parent-child dynamics can, and often do, serve as the glue that adds to solidifying their child's abusive relationship.

3) Parents who are steadfast in their beliefs about what's good for and not good for their children can resort to creating contingencies around their child's staying/leaving the relationship.

And this will invariably backfire and even spiral into a power struggle between parent and child, as well as ignite resentment that overshadows the pain of the abusive relationship.

So what can you do when you sense, or know, your adult child is in an abusive relationship? The exact same thing you would do if your child needed a root canal or some other clinical intervention. Find a professional with expertise in the issues before you, enlist their services and support the process you engage.

The earlier you get out of your own way and rely on the resources of objective professionals, the sooner you will be influential in helping your adult child awaken to and deal with their abusive relationship.

For more information about helping someone in an abusive relationship, I invite you to check out Stop Domestic Abuse - Helping Others Break the Cycle, where you can also claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in court. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/helping_stop_abuse.php

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention