Abusive Relationships - 3 Deadly Mistakes in Assuming Responsibility For the Battering Behavior

We hear it all the time: "You're not responsible for your abuser's battering behavior." Yet, victims of domestic abuse spend an inordinate amount of time trying to alter this behavior. Fix it. Change it. Account for it.

Often, and usually unknowingly, this invites three deadly mistakes victims of domestic abuse make in their abusive relationships.

3 deadly mistakes of shouldering the responsibility for battering behavior 

1) From others:  You inadvertently tell bystanders that you own all or part of the battering. You asked for it. You enjoy it...you deserve it. This is where the myth that "she deserves it" comes from.

2) From your partner:  When you join the dance and try to change your partner, you assume the responsibility to fix it. And if you're doing this, it must be your fault. This supports your abuser's belief that it is partly, or completely, your fault, which lends permission to continue to give you what you deserve...more battering.

3) From yourself:  Your efforts to change your partner prevent you from changing yourself, because no one is then available to tend to your own business. When you are in someone else's business being responsible for their behavior, how can you be in our own business? You can't.

Byron Katie says this so clearly. When you're not in your own business, you're disconnected from yourself. It is as though no one is home minding your affairs. And your connection to your authentic self is severed. This is the greatest death domestic abuse survivors endure.

If you are a victim of domestic abuse and you find yourself giving excuses for your batterer's behavior, halt and remember these three deadly mistakes. Recognize how your efforts to change your abusive partner result in the continuation of your abusive relationship and your loss of your authentic self.

For a deeper understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships, see Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identify Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

?2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention

Controlling Behavior - The 4 Ways an Abuser Controls His or Her Victim

Abuse is fundamentally about control. Violence may be a manifestation of relationship abuse, but domestic abuse is really about control. And the perpetrator can't bear to be out of control. When perpetrators feel they are losing control, their means to exercise control escalates.

What are the primary ways an abuser controls his/her victim:

1) Always being right

The abuser truly believes in one perspective: his/her own. They are always right, therefore making you wrong when there is a difference between your perspective and theirs. They hold their power in having the final say...having their way.

2) Sense of entitlement

The abuser lives from an egocentric perspective. He/she doesn't see you for who you are, only for how you fulfill his/her wishes. They see the world through one set of eyes: their own. And they believe those around them exist merely to support their vision.

3) Manipulates to leverage

The abuser is highly manipulative. He/She utilizes a punishment reward system of withholding what supports you as your punishment (negative reinforcement) and promises of what supports you as your reward (positive reinforcement).

4) Batterers to make a point and get their way

The abuser uses direct battering (verbal, emotional, mental, psychological, physical or sexual) to establish and maintain unequal power in the relationship.

If you are in a relationship with an intimate partner, a friend, co-worker, sibling or a parent that evidences these four ways to exert control, you are dealing with an abuser. The sooner you see this as outside of yourself, rather than as a part of you, the easier it is to disengage from his/her control. And when you do, you'll open yourself to finding and being yourself, exerting your own control as it serves your higher interest and well-being.

If you want to understand the dynamics of controlling relationships, I invite you to check out Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identifying Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from abusive relationships. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com