Emotional abuse and your faith

Faith-the light of God surrounds me

As a woman of faith, and seeing so many conditions search engine for my blog, looking for answers about how faith and abuse of potentially fit together, you don't need to do a paltry attempt to respond to this point. I was in the 1960s, and by then the society religious dogma taught that a woman has to obey her husband. Even in our marriage vows. I have my Bible, digging around and I scripts that us to tell each other, we want to love one another, to have faith like a grain of mustard seed can find. I had faith. I had a lot of faith. I prayed every day for many years that God would change my husband was married, as a reason to stop the emotional and verbal abuse. This only exacerbated in recent years. Is God not listening? I think it was, and I think he's a kind of divine design, but when you have finished told how useless, fat, ugly and how nobody gives a rat's ass about you, you start to believe it. I've heard words like, "you're going to want to do with two children in tow?" or "do you think someone really so stupid if you want to go?", I mean, I had qualified for the acceptance of women teaching College and decided to give because he convinced me to go and an old maid for the rest of my days. I knew I had smart at some point, but this apparently had disappeared, at least according to what I was told. So, I began to hate myself ... at the point of suicide. Nothing can stop my lasting pain.

Well, put me on a place of disobedience of the other script. You can see, right there in bright red letters that I am love others as I love myself. The fact that I had with me self hatred in the category of sin, as the Church declares it. How can we possibly others if we don't have a certain degree of respect for ourselves?

Emotional and verbal abuse is removed from the dignity of this from our side. Eventually leads us to a point of desperation and without hope there is no trust. So I did what any self-respecting Christian woman do in my shoes — began to pray that God will touch dead. Okay, I've long since repented to such an attitude.

You see, with all the prayers that I prayed, emotional and verbal abuse escalated to physical violence. Pastor preached a sermon about how physical abuse committed by the husband-wife breaks the Covenant of marriage. So, basically, now I understand that adultery is not the only Biblically sound for termination of a relationship. It would encourage divorce. I strongly temporarily relieve strongest Christian koinotarches the risks associated with counseling together the two parties. The woman your revictimizing. It is not stable enough to handle and have no idea what it would get in return. Believe me, there. I learned to keep my mouth shut and constantly threatened with my life as much as you dare open my mouth to speak of what happens behind closed doors.

What do we do with our faith in the Centre of abuse? We hang on to this with all our forces. We believe that God is in control, and in the background for us properly. Find good sound advice (in faith or secular) that fully the complexity of violence and abuse understands. Find a lawyer who has traveled this routes at night and his own way in the light of the renewed hope and restoration of confidence. Develop a security plan and a security code word or phrase with a friend or relative coordinate. More importantly, we understand that the abuse will continue for the rest of our lives is our only option. And just maybe, we will continue to visit this blog and read more posts about the abuse, intelligence and the implementation of our own set of circumstances.

Carolyn is an advocate for domestic violence and sexual abuse awareness, also focused on sexual abuse of children. This is a direction and Empowerment coach, working with victims and survivors of molestation, sexual assault, domestic violence or spousal abuse and training to organizations that try to help the victims. Listen to the interview with Carolyn with Cynthia Brennen, help, hope and healing. "visit everyday health, emotional well-being, website or blog at orangeblossomwishes.com.

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Drawn Back to an Emotional Abuser? 2 Tips For Getting Out and Staying Out - Part 1

Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship can be very difficult. Because your partner has pursued an agenda of controlling your behavior, insulting you, and criticizing you, you are likely to be questioning your self worth, competence, and value. You may even be questioning your sanity. Unfortunately, the nature of emotional abuse is that it offers you a skewed perspective on yourself and your value, which it is common to assimilate. It makes sense - if the person who supposedly loves you most thinks so lowly of you, isn't it likely to be true? Fortunately, we know that it isn't. By making some changes and putting some support mechanisms in place, you are more likely to maintain the strength to stay away from your emotional abuser. Here are the first 2 of 4 tips for getting out and staying out of a relationship with an emotional abuser:

1.       Stop all contact with your abuser.   This is very important for your recovery period. Your abuser will continue to use the same tactics that have worked all along - trying to control and put you down. If you have to speak because of children, etc, make sure to stay with the business at hand. If the conversation veers into criticism or the personal, simply disengage, say you need to go, and hang up or leave.

2.      Begin recultivating the "red flag" system you have inside you. We are all born with an innate instinct for survival - yet when we are in a situation where there is chronic emotional, physical, or spiritual danger, we can begin to tune out from the fight or flight response. This can result in physical ills from unreleased stress hormones, and can cause us to stay is harmful situations like emotionally abusive relationships. Spend some time becoming conscious of how your body reacts to certain people and situations - note when you become anxious, fearful, shamed, and tense. Note also when you are around individuals who energize you and cause you to feel comfort and peace and relaxation.   Begin to move closer to the positive experience and away from the negatives.

By the way, what is holding you back from making the best choices to achieve the life you deserve?

For a free copy of my ebook, "Strategies For Escaping Emotional Abuse", click here: http://www.stoptoxicrelationships.com/gifts-strategiesforescapingemotionalabuse.html

Shannon Cook is a personal coach and resource guide who has written a number of informative articles and ebooks on the topic of toxic relationships and "difficult" divorces, including the physical, emotional, practical and relationship components.

Emotional abuse

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What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse often cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.

Types of Emotional Abuse
There are different forms of emotional abuse. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing.

Aggressing

Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality that is essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates an unequal relationship.

Denying

Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ etc.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.”

Minimizing

Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

Understanding Abusive Relationships
No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints, and validate your own feelings and perceptions. The controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even comfortable to you, although it is destructive.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically, abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abusers are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear and anger. this often makes abusers attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings and self-perceptions.

Understanding the pattern of your relationships, especially those with family members and other significant people, is a first step toward change.

Are You Abusive to Yourself?

Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as “I’m stupid” or “I never do anything right” dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.

Basic Rights in a Relationship

The right to good will from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
What Can You Do?

Educate yourself about emotionally abusive relationships. Two good resources include:Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Ann McMurray and Gregory L. Ph.D. Ph.D. Jantz (Feb 1, 2009) and The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel (Aug 13, 2003).
A counselor may be able to help you understand the impact of an emotionally abusive relationship. A counselor can also help you learn healthier ways of relating to others and caring for your own needs. It’s very important to get the help you need no one deserves to be abused.

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Healing Emotional Abuse - Signs, Symptoms & Help For Relationship Problems

It's the cycle of abuse. Abusers always have a history of childhood abuse. They don't mean to pass it on and they would do better if they knew how. Whether you are the abuse victim or perpetrator, you must make a decision to stop the cycle of dysfunction now. Yes, the spider web of abuse is huge, but it can be healed.

Signs of Emotional Abuse:

- Unrelenting criticism

- Yelling

- Intimidation

- Sulking

- Manipulation

- Refusal to be pleased, no matter what you do or say

- Neglect

- Abandonment

- Denies you outside friends or hobbies

- Insists on going everywhere with you

- Negates your opinion

- Won't support your success

It's easy to see if you have been affected by emotional abuse, because the effect of abuse warps personalities.

Symptoms You Have Been Emotionally Abused:

- You are afraid to state your opinion for fear of retaliation.

- You've slowly stopped doing things you enjoy.

- If you miss a phone call, text message or email, you hurry to respond, hoping to avoid a fight.

- You have been ignored or rejected as a "punishment" for your behavior.

- You agree to things just to avoid a fight.

- You report where you are, who you are with and what you are doing.

- You've never received an apology, even when you've been right.

- You take the blame & responsibility for other people's unhappiness or problems.

- You suffer from low self esteem.

- Believe jealousy is proof of love.

Many people think emotional abuse only happens in love relationships, like boyfriend to girlfriend or husband to wife. But domestic abuse is not the only hot bed of pain. Emotional abuse can be seen in child abuse, elder abuse, between friends, family members, co-workers, neighbors and just about any combination of two or more people.

Solutions to Emotional Abuse:

- If you are involved in an emotionally abusive relationship of any kind, get out now. And don't go back until professional help is sought and completed by both of you. Sharon is a woman whose health was severely compromised as a result of working in a department where her co-workers shunned her, made fun of her, lied about her and gossiped about her lack of success and brains. Several times she did report abuse, but her immediate supervisor, as well as the human resources department, did nothing to help her. No paycheck in the world is worth this kind of treatment. Sharon was so beaten down from years of this abuse that she finally gave up and quit her job, before she ended up in the hospital. So, get away from the abuse immediately.

- Stop the abuse by calling for help. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is open 24 hours a day. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Let the cycle of abuse stop now and RUN for help. Not another day of abuse needs to be a part of your life.

Professional Psychic & Certified Behavioral Therapist, Kathi Calahan, helps lovers heal their relationship by identifying the underlying problem and providing workable solutions, even if they're thinking of throwing in the towel. Her free newsletter American Love Psychic - How to Grow Old Together is available at http://www.AmericanLovePsychic.com.

In an Abusive Relationship - The Problem With Promises After Physical, Emotional and Verbal Abuse

We've all heard it happens and if you've ever been in an abusive relationship you know those promises like the back of your hand.

They seem so sweet in the first handful of rounds living in an abusive relationship. And all that happens in the relationship immediately after feels just the same...real sweet. HONEYmoon sweet.

You know there is a "but" coming here. I know you can feel it.

...But, when one yields to the promises, here's what happens.

A) For the Abuser

Abuser conditioning - Taking the person back after an assault (whether physical, emotional or verbal abuse), essentially sends a message that the abuser can "get away" with that level of abuse. This is part of how the stage is built for permission for the next altercation to magnify, to be more severe than the one before. Well, if I can get away with that one, then...

B) For the Abused

Breeds false hope for victim/survivor. Why? Because the promise in and of itself is not what changes battering behavior. The promise fails to take into account the etiology of the assault (again, whether verbal abuse, emotional abuse or an outright physical assault). More often it only, yet dearly says: I won't do that anymore. Things will be different.

C) For the Couple Entangled in an Abusive Relationship

It rekindles the status quo, while diverting attention from the real issues. So, in addition to complicating both parties individual understanding of the altercation, it keeps the couple "elephant under the carpet"...exquisitely covered so no one can see. Not those looking from the inside out, much less those looking from the outside in.

If you find yourself face-to-face with one of these promises, be mindful of all of the implications that go hand and hand with it. The more you know earlier on, the less likely you will be a consequence (a victim) of an abusive relationship spiraling out of control.

For a deeper understanding of what keeps emotional verbal abuse going and what stops it, visit http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. is founding director of nonprofit Partners in Prevention, dedicated to helping domestic abuse survivors and their advocates.

?2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention