Healing Victimization Habits of Abusive Relationships - Whose Problem is Your "No?"

When I say, "No" to a request of yours, whose problem is it? Is it your problem or is it mine?

Your answer to this question can give you insight into whether you are in an abusive relationship. It is also the answer to whether you are still practicing habits of victimization.

When My "No" Is My Problem

For example, let's imagine that your partner makes a request and your immediate reaction is one of "uneasiness" wherein your gut is saying "no." Yet, you hesitate in putting that out there, and instead you keep it to yourself and yield to his request.

In this scenario, you have made your "no" your problem. You have attached consequences to your saying "no" to your partner's request that have negative implications for you. Essentially, you have made your "no" your issue-your problem.

But the fact is your "no" is not your problem. It's the other person's problem...unless you are dealing with someone who makes it your problem, as in the case of abusive relationships.

When My "No" Is Your Problem

Now imagine someone asking something of you wherein you experience that same uneasy feeling that tells you, "I don't want this...This is not for me...My choice is 'no'." And you simply relay that to the person making the request without becoming attached to and entangled in how they deal with your "no."

You may be mindful that your response will not be to the other person's liking, but you don't reflexively make that your problem. Instead, you trust that the other person will find it within himself/herself to cope with your reply without it having negative consequences for you.

Moreover, you trust that in clearly stating your preferences on the matter in question, you enhance the relationship. You are giving yourself permission to be genuine with that person, and you're giving them an opportunity to know you and your preferences.

Breaking Habits of Victimization

When you feel as though you need to regulate the other person's reaction to your involvement in the relationship, then you are cooperating in creating a dysfunctional interaction. You are supporting an arrangement that provides for the existence of one person in the relationship. And in doing this, you eliminate the other-yourself.

If you are in an abusive relationship or have been in an abusive relationship, you may have cultivated habits of victimization that support your being disempowered in relation to others. When you break these habits, you will discover how satisfying it is to be yourself in relation to others.

For more information about breaking the habits of victimization and healing abusive relationships, visit http://www.domesticabusetreatment.com and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide recognize, end and heal from spousal abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Abusive Relationships - Making You the Problem in Your Abusive Relationship During Your Divorce

Battered women and abused men are accustomed to being the scapegoat for the problems in their abusive relationships. They are routinely told:

o "It's your fault, you made me do it, say it, etc.,"

o "If you weren't so ________, it wouldn't have happened."

o And oh yes, remember this one: "None of this ever happened anyway...It's all in your head, crazy-psycho."

Let's face it, "being the problem" goes hand-in-hand with being in an abusive relationship. It's what the perpetrator wants you to believe and it's also what you have bought into believing. It's part of the ugly glue that binds the abusive relationship.

Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows this well. So then why do you suppose that when someone goes to the system to seek remedy for domestic violence, they would get anything other than what they've been bombarded with all along?

You as the Problem from Home to Court

From the moment the police come to your door to the pits of the divorce court lion's den, your abusive partner will seek to make you the problem. That's what batterers do.

The only difference is that instead of telling you that you are the problem, he/she is telling this to all those who make decisions that influence your life, including but not limited to, the judicial and healthcare folks.

So please come out of your shock over the fact that he/she is trying to make you the bad guy, or the crazy one, or the liar. It's part of what's been there all along.

Shining the Light on the Real Problem

Then you ask yourself, "Why don't those in the system get it straight and realize that you are the victim and your spouse is merely externalizing blame for the marital skeletons?"

Unfortunately, the job of the people in the system is not to "get it;" rather it's to get it done. And far too often they are given false abuse allegations and may not have the training to decipher the authentic from the unreal-especially when it comes to intimate partner violence and child abuse.

If you are in divorce court with a batterer and you know you are not being heard, seek to find someone who can professionally represent your truth to those making important decisions. This will undoubtedly help you shine the light on the real problem and aid in offsetting your being made the problem.

For more information on abuse and divorce, see Legal Domestic Abuse http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/legal_domestic_abuse.php and Crazy Making Legal-Psychiatric Abuse. http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/crazy_making.php Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people end domestic abuse at home and in family court. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

In an Abusive Relationship - The Problem With Promises After Physical, Emotional and Verbal Abuse

We've all heard it happens and if you've ever been in an abusive relationship you know those promises like the back of your hand.

They seem so sweet in the first handful of rounds living in an abusive relationship. And all that happens in the relationship immediately after feels just the same...real sweet. HONEYmoon sweet.

You know there is a "but" coming here. I know you can feel it.

...But, when one yields to the promises, here's what happens.

A) For the Abuser

Abuser conditioning - Taking the person back after an assault (whether physical, emotional or verbal abuse), essentially sends a message that the abuser can "get away" with that level of abuse. This is part of how the stage is built for permission for the next altercation to magnify, to be more severe than the one before. Well, if I can get away with that one, then...

B) For the Abused

Breeds false hope for victim/survivor. Why? Because the promise in and of itself is not what changes battering behavior. The promise fails to take into account the etiology of the assault (again, whether verbal abuse, emotional abuse or an outright physical assault). More often it only, yet dearly says: I won't do that anymore. Things will be different.

C) For the Couple Entangled in an Abusive Relationship

It rekindles the status quo, while diverting attention from the real issues. So, in addition to complicating both parties individual understanding of the altercation, it keeps the couple "elephant under the carpet"...exquisitely covered so no one can see. Not those looking from the inside out, much less those looking from the outside in.

If you find yourself face-to-face with one of these promises, be mindful of all of the implications that go hand and hand with it. The more you know earlier on, the less likely you will be a consequence (a victim) of an abusive relationship spiraling out of control.

For a deeper understanding of what keeps emotional verbal abuse going and what stops it, visit http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. is founding director of nonprofit Partners in Prevention, dedicated to helping domestic abuse survivors and their advocates.

?2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention

Teen Abusive Relationships - How to Understand and Solve This Huge Problem in Our Communities

Teen abusive relationships is another one of the areas of abusive relationships that is part of the huge issue of relationship problems.

There are so many overall aspects of this issue to take into consideration. To get some idea of what I am referring to it may be helpful to touch on some of the statistics that are available to us.

Many of them are not up to date, however they give us some indication of the scale of the problem. Also these figures are not comprehensive as the extent of the problem is not really known because of the under reporting that occurs.

This happens for various reasons, usually because of the fear and intimidation that is such an integral part of abusive relationships, including teen abusive relationships.

Other aspects of this lack of reporting is the embarrassment experienced and many victims have been conditioned to believe they are responsible for the abuse in some way.

Many abusers present as shining knights to others, even victim's own families, and those being abused think they will not be believed, because of how others experience the abuser.

Given the fact none of the figures known are really accurate, those we come across give some indication of the extent of the problem.

One set of statistics indicated that domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the United States - more than rapes, muggings, and automobile accidents combined. As indicated by the age range, this includes teen abusive relationships.

Another statistic indicated a woman is beaten every 9 seconds in the United States. Yet another showed a woman is in nine times more danger of violent attack in her home than on the streets.

Women and teenage girls are more likely to be victims of homicide when they decide to separate from husbands or boyfriends. There are 3 killed on average every week in the United States. The risk is highest in the first two months after separation.

Women and teenage girls are often severely injured - 22 to 35% of of those who visit medical emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing abuse.

Surveys show that abuse in dating relationships is prevalent. Some suggest the incidence is on the increase. About one in three females will experience violence at the hands of their boyfriends before they reach adulthood, so this also relates to teen abusive relationships.

Sometimes teenage girls do not recognize they are involved in abusive relationships, as they are unaware of, or misunderstand, some of the signs. Such things as being overly attentive and seemingly protective.

It is likely these things happen in the early stages of the relationship and can be interpreted initially as healthy jealousy or caring.

Before long it will be experienced as possessiveness, or acting like they own you, and wanting to control you in every way. Putting you down and undermining you in a whole range of ways, classic parts of teen abusive relationships as well as all other abusive relationships.

This will involve telling you what to do and not to do. It will include extremes of mood and temperament. There will be the apologies and promises of it never happening again.

You want to believe him as he seems so sincere and genuine, only you find before long he resorts to the same tactics, often with the addition of placing the responsibility onto you.

I met someone recently who was pushed over by her ex partner and she broke her arm. He told her it was her own fault. He accepted no responsibility.

Other aspects of abusive relationships, including teen abusive relationships, is being subjected to false accusations, suggesting you have been unfaithful and the like.

You can be prevented from doing things you want to do, including being isolated from friends and family. This is not an exhaustive list as there are many other things that could be mentioned.

The big question is - why do so many men carry on like this? Most explanations, such as being insecure, having low self esteem, problems with anger, or drugs and alcohol etc., are simply excuses in my view, and are not helpful at all.

The only way I can make sense of it is, that as males we are encouraged to think we are superior to women. Consequently, those who allow themselves to be influenced by this programming, tend to adopt the role of master and believe they have every right to hold power over and dominate those inferior lot, namely women and children.

This is the modeling that is rife in society and it is no surprise it is manifested in teen abusive relationships.

The only way relationships can work is for us to agree that men and women are equal, no one is superior or inferior to the other, and this is shown by the way we relate to each other.

It follows we acknowledge and respect each other, and have relationships many people have no idea is possible, and as a result, have richer, fuller and more satisfying lives.

Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily, specializing in abusive relationships. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police, politicians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work. He is the author of the eBook, "How To Have An Extraordinary Relationship." His website is: http://www.relationship-tips-for-you.com