Controlling Relationships - The Choice of Control in Abusive Relationships

Physical dependence, emotional dependence and financial dependence are characteristics we see in battered women. Physical control, emotional control and financial control are characteristics common to abusive relationships. 

When we think of the word dependence, in adult relationships in which both parties are physically healthy, we imply choice. When we think of the word control, we deny the reality of choice and instead claim victimization. 

But the fact is that we choose to be controlled, just as we choose our dependencies. In working with battered women, I am keenly aware that they know of the choices they make in their abusive relationships. I certainly did in mine. 

Here are some steps you can take toward your independence and self-sufficiency before and during an abusive relationship. 

1) Make it a habit to have an activity or handful of activities that you do on your own without requiring the help or assistance of anyone else. 

2) Establish and maintain a friendship with an adult outside of your intimate relationship. This can be a family member, a coworker, a parent of your children's friends or a neighbor, physician or hairdresser. 

3) Maintain your own money. Even if it is only a small amount, place some funds in an account (saving or storage) that you and only you control. 

Now you may think that it is impossible to accomplish the above because your partner does not allow you to have separate funds, your own friends, nor independent personal passions. It is the nature of the beast. 

Make it your job early on in your relationship to groom your partner to appreciate the fact that you have money of your own, friends of your own and things you enjoy doing outside of your relationship. The sooner you do this, the less likely you will fall prey to the entrapment of an abusive relationship.

For more information about domestic abuse dynamics, visit www.EndDomesticAbuse.org/identify_domestic_abuse.php and get Free Instant Access to survivor success eInsights. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention.

Relationship Abuse - Change Or Suffer Abuse? You Make the Choice!

You can never find any one relationship advice that fits all. It can be a challenge for anyone who is trying to have a successful relationship. It is especially true for women. However, it does not mean that as a woman, you will have difficulty finding and keeping a great and successful relationship.

A woman tends to make the following mistakes:


We keep our relationship for the wrong reasons
We worry too much about our partner or spouse
We look for the wrong things in our relationship
Every woman I know wants to be respected, desired, liked and loved by their spouse or partner. However there are many women out there who make the mistake that for a relationship to have any worth, it has to be a romantic affair. If you think that way, it is time to stop!

Do you know that you can put off "desperate vibes" in your relationship unknowingly? This is true especially if you are an insecure and lonely person and is desperate for the love of a man. You will attract insecure men. Men who want to control the women in his life so that he can feel important. This will cause you to have a co-dependent relationship that is twisted and will not satisfy either one of you.

It is important for you to have a hard and honest look at yourself before you go out and look for a serious relationship. Do not get me wrong. I am not saying that you are not good enough to have a bond with a man. Chances are you will "think" you are not good enough. You will be attracting the wrong type of guys unless you realize your own worth. These men are most likely to subject you to some level of verbal or emotional abuse over a prolong period of time. There will be very little chance of you getting the love you most deserve.

Accept the fact that a decent and secure man will never be attracted to an insecure and desperate woman no matter how gorgeous she looks. Hence, you will most likely be attracted to a man that abuses women.

It does not necessarily have to be a physical abuse. Hurtful comments and snide remarks about your weight, your lovemaking, your looks, your cooking will be common.... those are also forms of abuse.

Do you know that suffering from prolong abuse will make you have a lower self esteem? The cycle will continue even after you break up with your current spouse or partner and "find" new love. Chances are your situation will worsen because by then as your self esteem will be so much lower than before!

You must nip such problems in the bud. Take time to understand who you are and what you want out of your life and your relationship. You must at least have three basic characteristics. You must be a capable, strong willed and confident person. Do not hesitate to get help if you know you need it.

If you want to have a fulfilling life and a loving relationship you must make sure you are the type of woman who "demands" it. You do not need to be a shrew. You just need to be the type of woman who will attract men that can make you truly happy.

I hope you take the above relationship advices to heart. To some women, it might not be what they want to hear. I saw it happen to a close friend. She had been in and out of lousy relationships with men who were insecure and believed that knocking women around makes them superior. I do not care about such guys. I care about you. As a woman, if you make the choice to change, you can do so much better for your life and your relationship.

What's The Big Secret To a Happy, Fulfilling and Long Lasting Marriage or Relationship? Click on Relationship Mastery for the answer.

Check out my compilation of recommended reading on Love and Marriage Tips. Keep The Love Real! My name is Nora Jeanne Hirsu and I have been a lifelong lover of women and relationship issues. I believe that relationships, be it marriage or dating is one of the most beautiful and soothing experience a person can have in their lives. It is my goal that everyone who wants to experience the magic of a beautiful relationship and marriage can do so.