Abusive Relationship Healing - 5 Tips For Lifting Depression After Your Abusive Relationship

It is common knowledge that when one is beaten down, they feel beaten down. So it's no wonder that domestic abuse survivors frequently suffer from depression. We see this in individuals living in an abusive relationship, and in those having left their abuser.

What is it that makes it possible for these people to heal their depression? The following actions to avoid, and steps to take, are essential to the resolution of depression for domestic abuse survivors.

1) Stop Negative self-talk

Even though you might be accustomed to hearing how you can't, you won't, you don't, you aren't, there is no need for you to pick up where s/he left off. Doing so only sustains the battering. Only difference is it's from the inside out.

2) Un-shoulder responsibility for battering

Un-shoulder any remnants of your shouldering responsibility for the abuse. Battering is fully owned, operated and controlled by the perpetrator and no one else. Your willingness to shoulder the responsibility for the abuse is part of what keeps the abuse dynamic going. Let it go! It's not yours.

3) Avoid self-deprivation

Self-deprivation may have been the norm in your former kingdom and that's where it must remain. One may be accustom to being consumed by, and preoccupied with, taking care of the needs of the "other" (a demanding perpetrator), rather than recognizing and caring for oneself. This keeps you in the "I am abused position." Instead, it is time to know, honor and nourish yourself in every way, shape and form that is physically possible for you.

4) Cultivate Self-compassion

When the blow hurts and the pain aches, embrace it. Running from it prevents it from resolving itself. Exercise self-compassion. Be with yourself just as you would be with a small child who is wounded in a playground.

5) Find and rekindle that which you love...that comes from within

"That comes from within" is the key to this one. Now this may be the hard one because so much time has been spent on not recognizing anything is within. It is of utmost importance that you find that which you love...that comes from within, and make this your primary focus. As you focus on it, it will expand. You know what you focus on expands. That which we bring energy to brings more of it onto us.

Bonus Tip: Focus on what you have; not what you don't have. You've been inundated with the message that you aren't enough...you're amiss in this, that and the other. Over time you develop the habit of seeing yourself as the half-empty cup. Shift your perspective and see yourself as the half-full cup. With this your cup will fill with more of what is right with you.

If you do all of these things, your depression will lift.

And under that you will discover the goodness that you are, the happiness you can be and your love of life again. For more domestic violence healing insights, claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people identify, end and heal abusive relationships.

© 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D. PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

Healing Victimization Habits of Abusive Relationships - Whose Problem is Your "No?"

When I say, "No" to a request of yours, whose problem is it? Is it your problem or is it mine?

Your answer to this question can give you insight into whether you are in an abusive relationship. It is also the answer to whether you are still practicing habits of victimization.

When My "No" Is My Problem

For example, let's imagine that your partner makes a request and your immediate reaction is one of "uneasiness" wherein your gut is saying "no." Yet, you hesitate in putting that out there, and instead you keep it to yourself and yield to his request.

In this scenario, you have made your "no" your problem. You have attached consequences to your saying "no" to your partner's request that have negative implications for you. Essentially, you have made your "no" your issue-your problem.

But the fact is your "no" is not your problem. It's the other person's problem...unless you are dealing with someone who makes it your problem, as in the case of abusive relationships.

When My "No" Is Your Problem

Now imagine someone asking something of you wherein you experience that same uneasy feeling that tells you, "I don't want this...This is not for me...My choice is 'no'." And you simply relay that to the person making the request without becoming attached to and entangled in how they deal with your "no."

You may be mindful that your response will not be to the other person's liking, but you don't reflexively make that your problem. Instead, you trust that the other person will find it within himself/herself to cope with your reply without it having negative consequences for you.

Moreover, you trust that in clearly stating your preferences on the matter in question, you enhance the relationship. You are giving yourself permission to be genuine with that person, and you're giving them an opportunity to know you and your preferences.

Breaking Habits of Victimization

When you feel as though you need to regulate the other person's reaction to your involvement in the relationship, then you are cooperating in creating a dysfunctional interaction. You are supporting an arrangement that provides for the existence of one person in the relationship. And in doing this, you eliminate the other-yourself.

If you are in an abusive relationship or have been in an abusive relationship, you may have cultivated habits of victimization that support your being disempowered in relation to others. When you break these habits, you will discover how satisfying it is to be yourself in relation to others.

For more information about breaking the habits of victimization and healing abusive relationships, visit http://www.domesticabusetreatment.com and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide recognize, end and heal from spousal abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Healing Emotional Abuse - Signs, Symptoms & Help For Relationship Problems

It's the cycle of abuse. Abusers always have a history of childhood abuse. They don't mean to pass it on and they would do better if they knew how. Whether you are the abuse victim or perpetrator, you must make a decision to stop the cycle of dysfunction now. Yes, the spider web of abuse is huge, but it can be healed.

Signs of Emotional Abuse:

- Unrelenting criticism

- Yelling

- Intimidation

- Sulking

- Manipulation

- Refusal to be pleased, no matter what you do or say

- Neglect

- Abandonment

- Denies you outside friends or hobbies

- Insists on going everywhere with you

- Negates your opinion

- Won't support your success

It's easy to see if you have been affected by emotional abuse, because the effect of abuse warps personalities.

Symptoms You Have Been Emotionally Abused:

- You are afraid to state your opinion for fear of retaliation.

- You've slowly stopped doing things you enjoy.

- If you miss a phone call, text message or email, you hurry to respond, hoping to avoid a fight.

- You have been ignored or rejected as a "punishment" for your behavior.

- You agree to things just to avoid a fight.

- You report where you are, who you are with and what you are doing.

- You've never received an apology, even when you've been right.

- You take the blame & responsibility for other people's unhappiness or problems.

- You suffer from low self esteem.

- Believe jealousy is proof of love.

Many people think emotional abuse only happens in love relationships, like boyfriend to girlfriend or husband to wife. But domestic abuse is not the only hot bed of pain. Emotional abuse can be seen in child abuse, elder abuse, between friends, family members, co-workers, neighbors and just about any combination of two or more people.

Solutions to Emotional Abuse:

- If you are involved in an emotionally abusive relationship of any kind, get out now. And don't go back until professional help is sought and completed by both of you. Sharon is a woman whose health was severely compromised as a result of working in a department where her co-workers shunned her, made fun of her, lied about her and gossiped about her lack of success and brains. Several times she did report abuse, but her immediate supervisor, as well as the human resources department, did nothing to help her. No paycheck in the world is worth this kind of treatment. Sharon was so beaten down from years of this abuse that she finally gave up and quit her job, before she ended up in the hospital. So, get away from the abuse immediately.

- Stop the abuse by calling for help. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is open 24 hours a day. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Let the cycle of abuse stop now and RUN for help. Not another day of abuse needs to be a part of your life.

Professional Psychic & Certified Behavioral Therapist, Kathi Calahan, helps lovers heal their relationship by identifying the underlying problem and providing workable solutions, even if they're thinking of throwing in the towel. Her free newsletter American Love Psychic - How to Grow Old Together is available at http://www.AmericanLovePsychic.com.

Healing in Abusive Relationships - 7 Secrets to Successful Survival in an Abusive Relationship

Far too often, we hear individuals in abusive relationships seeking to change their partners in order to change their relationship. While it is true that a change in either person will change the overall dynamic of the relationship, changing one's partner is only an option if it is partner self-initiated.

Rather than holding onto something that is essentially out of one's control-actually not one's business-look to changing what is within your control and is indeed your business: yourself.

In working with thousands of patients over the years, the one thing I consistently see is that when people grow to honor and respect their physical, emotional, mental and spiritual space they have no tolerance for others not doing the same.

Now as I write this, I'm keenly aware of the hair standing up on end for those that are currently struggling in an abusive relationship. Know that I, too, lived there once and I know that when being battered and remaining entangled, on some level we are failing to hold reverence for that which our abusive partner has scorned.

Thus, I invite you to look within for the revolution. It is from here that lasting change occurs. It is truly from within.

In closing, I leave you with seven secrets to successful survival in an abusive relationship, during and after should the relationship remain abusive.

1) Write--journal daily both your inner world and your outer world.

2) Whole foods--nourish your body with that which is truly nourishing.

3) Water--let pure water be your primary beverage and saturate every cell with it.

4) Work-out--find a body strengthening and toning routine and make it a regimen.

5) The Work--when you feel mental and/or emotional distress, open your thoughts to an inquiry until they let go of you and your authentic truth will emerge.

6) Welcome--expect the universe and the individuals in your world to support, honor and respect you.

7) Wholeness--meditate and know the inner well of well-being. How? By cultivating the effortless innocent discipline of letting it in.

If I could tell you which one of these items is most important, I would. However, I'm convinced that each one is an integral part of the healing process. If you are inclined to adopt one of these seven secrets to survival in an abusive relationship as a start, meditation is the place to begin. With this, all of the others naturally follow.

For more survivor success tips and healing insights, visit www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic violence

? 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D. PreventAbusiveRelationships.com EndDomesticAbuse.org

Healing From Domestic Abuse - The Creation and Implication of Fuzzy Versus Firm Boundaries

People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. If you request and insist on your boundaries being honored, they will be. On the other hand, if you allow others to determine whether to respect your limits or not, then expect your boundaries to be treated as they wish to do so.

This is an important lesson for anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship, either with a parent or with an intimate partner. It's a lesson that requires clear and focused integration and application, yet this lesson is all too often ignored.

Read on to learn about the conditioning of fuzzy boundaries in abusive relationships...

The Fuzzy Boundaries of Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships have implied rules with respect to boundaries. These rules create and maintain fuzzy boundaries that support the power and control tactics of the abusive relationship.

For example, checking out cell phone messages, numbers called, emails sent and received, as well as the contents on one's hard drive and in one's purse or wallet is common practice in abusive relationships.

The abusive party will snoop to confirm a hunch or as a fishing expedition. Then, once something is found, they will hold it in the mind's eye as a club to clobber their partner with in real life.

More often than not, the abused loses herself/himself in the dance over what was found. Rarely is issue taken with the violation of their personal space-their personal boundaries.

Mutual Conditioning in Abusive Relationships

Both parties' fixation on the "evidential findings" remains well beyond the trespassing of boundaries. Yet, at a core level, the victim continues to feel violated as a result of the intrusion.

Since nothing is said about this violation, the relationship message supporting fuzzy boundaries remains intact-and is actually strengthened. The abuser is conditioned to trample his/her partner's boundaries and the abused conditions herself/himself to expect the same.

The abuser actually believes he/she is entitled to penetrate her/his personal space and possess her/his outer and inner world. And the abused goes along with this intrusion so as not to rock the boat. For she/he knows should that happen, the bigger "one" is just around the corner.

In some respects you might conclude that the victim is motivated by their fear of what their partner might do. While this is appropriate to abusive relationships, when carried over into other relationships, it can create interpersonal havoc.

Boundary Lessons for Domestic Violence Survivors

If you continue to assume responsibility for other people's aggressions and affections, then you are setting yourself up for a perfect fit with another abuser. If, on the other hand, you recognize that you are not responsible for another person's feelings and behavior, you open a new door. You free yourself up to hone in on taking responsibility for your own feelings and behavior.

And with this, you can learn to effectively voice your limits and teach others to honor and respect your boundaries. Once done, you will find yourself experiencing your own integrity within your personal relationships.

For more information on healing from abusive relationships, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/healing_from_within.php and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Abusive Relationship Help - Healing the Two Sides of Boundary Issues in Abusive Relationships

People say that domestic violence victims have serious boundaries issues...which they do. And so do the perpetrators that they live with. It comes with the territory of being in an abusive relationship.

You might think of it as two people having a tolerance for the actions of the other. Or, it can be seen as operant conditioning in play wherein one person conditions the other to surrender their boundaries for safety in the relationship. Abusive relationship help typically recognizes these boundary issues.

Abuser's Lack of Boundaries

From his point of view, "If you are in relation to him, he has the right to all that is you." For example, when he asks you a question, he expects you to deliver an answer-no matter what.

From his perspective, she merely appears as an extension of him. She does not come to the relationship with boundaries. To the contrary, should she interact with him as though she does have personal boundaries, then there are consequences.

These so-called consequences may be a continued tug-of-war, an attack on another front or some subtle punishment simply for her attempt to be herself. For when she is herself, he experiences it as his being slighted-the nerve of her not to deliver what he wants or expects.

Victim's Lack of Boundaries

Now whether she came to the relationship with porous boundaries or developed them in the context of the abusive relationship is debatable. Some people will tell you she lost her boundaries to stay "alive" amidst domestic abuse.

Other people will say that she wouldn't have gravitated to nor remained with an abusive partner if she had boundaries in the first place. The implication, of course, is that her lack of boundaries is what led to her staying in an abusive relationship. I think both are true.

Healing Boundaries Issues for the Abuser and for the Abused

A cornerstone of abusive relationship help involving effective domestic abuse counseling is teaching both people how to access, exercise and honor personal boundaries for themselves and for each other. This requires a relearning of interaction skills. And the good news is that it can indeed be done.

Both batterers and victims recognize that they are not responsible for the faulty learning that resulted in their boundary issues; rather, they are responsible to acknowledge and counteract their boundary issues. Their respective jobs are self-discovery, responsible interactive assertion and the ongoing honoring of one another, while honoring oneself.

If you are in an abusive relationship, which fails to honor and respect your personal boundaries, initiate a domestic violence intervention to ultimately break this dysfunctional dynamic before it spirals out of control.

For more information on healing and abusive relationship help, visit www.domesticabusetreatment.com and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention