Damaging Relationships - 3 Signs the Relationship Should Be Over

Relationships are challenging even when both parties are healthy and well balanced. A successful relationship in this case can be achieved through effort and commitment on the part of both parties. There are relationships, however, where no amount of effort on your part will prevent the damaging effects of staying with your partner. There are toxic scenarios where the best thing truly is to end the relationship. Here are 3 signs that your relationship should end:

1. There is abuse in the relationship. If you are being physically abused, please contact a domestic violence shelter or a counselor who specializes in that issue to get advice. Physical abuse typically escalates, and the most dangerous time is generally at the time of leaving the relationship. You will need guidance on the safest plan for exiting your particular situation successfully. If you are being put down, made to feel inferior, incompetent, or crazy, there is a good chance you are being emotionally or psychologically abused. In this case, the effects may not be as outwardly noticeable, but they are extremely damaging. Loss of self worth and depression frequently results.

2. There is untreated, active addiction in your partner. Your partner, if actively using drugs and/or alcohol, is not fully present in the relationship. The substance will always win out over you, and you are likely to end up in a cycle of crisis management with your partner that may leave little mental energy for you to focus on your own life, dreams, and ambitions. You may be impacted by legal and financial trouble if your partner ends up prosecuted or sued for behavior while intoxicated (like a DUI). You may even be in physical danger if, for example, you get in a car with your partner who has been using, and you have an accident.

3. Your partner commits serial infidelity. It is possible for a relationship to become stronger after an affair, if both parties are willing to work hard, open lines of communication, and be accountable to one another. However, if there is a pattern of unfaithfulness, there is no opportunity for trust to be rebuilt, and there is no foundation for a relationship. In addition, you place your health at risk by staying in a non-monogamous relationship.

Are you interested in addressing your life challenges from a holistic standpoint, assessing the physical, emotional, and relationship components?

For a free copy of my ebook, "Natural Methods To Fight Depression", click here: http://www.stoptoxicrelationships.com/gifts-naturalmethodstofightdepression.html

Shannon Cook is a personal growth and relationship expert who has written a number of informative articles and ebooks on the topic of toxic relationships and holistic personal growth, including physical, emotional and relationship health.

Battering and Abusive Relationships - 5 Insights For Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Abuse

When you're not serving up what your abusive partner desires, what happens? The tension grows until he/she smacks you-emotionally, verbally or physically-as though to shake you awake and release the conflict within him/her. Sound familiar?

If you're living in an abusive relationship with your intimate partner, your child, or some other family member or friend, you know these dynamics like the back of your hand.

Also note that having words for them is another thing. Read on to clarify these points of conflict in your abusive relationship so you may better cope with your own personal experience.

1) The assault is not about you. Rather, it is the other person's maneuver to bring about comfort within themselves. In that moment, the battering person is seeking to resolve their own felt loss of control wherein they are not getting what they long to obtain.

2) The battering is truly a means to an end and not the end in itself. You may notice as the battering is delivered, it can be released without any relationship to the context from which the conflict emerged.

3) The batterer shows a marked release of inward tension following the assault. And you are left wondering why the heck this person is having the appearance of well-being... all in the face of your demise.

4)You feel violated and confused. You experience the hurt...the ouch... yet it's complicated. Unlike stubbing your toe, wherein you know the connection between the blow and its impact, this hurt confuses you. You don't know if you're being punished, poorly treated or if something in you contributed to the delivered assault.

5) BOTTOM LINE: Beware not to assume responsibility for the battering. If you do, you are enabling the abuse dynamic. Why? Because it then becomes your "Job" to alter the state of affairs preceding the assault. And we know that state of affairs exists within the batterer.

For more information about healing from and signs of abusive relationships, browse our resources at http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/ebooks.php, and get Free Instant Access to your survivor success eInsights.

Dr Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010, Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Male Privilege and the Excuse for Battering in Intimate Relationships

People speak of male privilege as though it is the cause and curse of abusive relationships. It is the underlying social cultural justification for his entitlement...his "one up man-ship"...and the actions that support his getting his way, including his battering behavior.

I think it is just one of the ways abusers control the female intimate partners they abuse. It is a means to leverage power and control in an intimate relationship.

For example, when a batterer justifies his making unilateral decisions that affect both parties in the relationship because of his "male privilege," he is merely using this control tactic as means to an end. It is one of his ways of establishing and maintaining an unequal distribution of power and control within the relationship.

Male Privilege and Domestic Violence

If you are in an abusive relationship, you are most likely aware of this common strategy employed to keep you "in your place." However, are you aware that your embracing the cultural bias of male privilege is your part in your owning that submissive status?

It is also possible that you can recognize socialized "male privilege" and not let it tip the power and control scale in your intimate relationship. Here how...

Shattering the Expectation of Gender Biased Control

Let's say that you, too, are of the social persuasion that men are elevated relative to women. You can recognize this bias within yourself and not let it become your justification for your victimization?

As you cultivate the ability to do this, you set in motion a relationship expectation that gender does not support and sustain the distribution of power and control within your relationship.

For more information about ending abuse against women, browse our resources at http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ebooks.php, and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Domestic Violence and Self-Esteem - Conditioned Disassociation in Abusive Relationships

Abused intimate partners do come in all shapes and sizes, and most definitely there are some themes characterizing them. Some people will tell you low self-esteem is one of these characteristics. But what came first: the chicken or the egg?

I would venture to say it could go either way. I see an inordinate number of highly functioning, high-end professionals, well educated and with a six-figure income who are abused by their intimate partners.

What I notice is these women and men evidence "conditioned disassociation." This conditioning is how he/she grows to disregard him/herself.

Over time, the abused partner grows to see him/herself as they are told they are seen by their intimate partners. And much approval is received for this "internalized personal perception."

But when apart from the abusive partner, these individuals may drop the internalized personal perception and become who they really are. They are authentic, they are vital, they are themselves at least until they return to their abusive partners.

So what came first the chicken or the egg? Looking closer, as we have, opens the door for significant insight on how to shed the internalized personal perception of the abusive partner. Doing so gives new life to those once abused.

If you find yourself becoming what your former partner expected, and in many cases desired, recognize the operative conditioning in play. I've heard people say they became depressed following an encounter with an abuser they recently left.

It's noted that the depressed feeling is the "face" put on in the presence of that person as though reflexively becoming as expected by the former partner. And with that down-depressed radiance set in the genuine feeling of the blues.

Reach back for yourself above and beyond the expectation and desire of the abusive ex-partner. You'll be pleasantly surprised and happy you did.

If you want deeper understanding of what maintains and what prevents abusive relationships, see the Intimate Partner Abuse Screen®
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals, families and healthcare professionals recognize and end domestic abuse.

© 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.
PreventAbusiveRelationships.com
EndDomesticAbuse.org

Healing Victimization Habits of Abusive Relationships - Whose Problem is Your "No?"

When I say, "No" to a request of yours, whose problem is it? Is it your problem or is it mine?

Your answer to this question can give you insight into whether you are in an abusive relationship. It is also the answer to whether you are still practicing habits of victimization.

When My "No" Is My Problem

For example, let's imagine that your partner makes a request and your immediate reaction is one of "uneasiness" wherein your gut is saying "no." Yet, you hesitate in putting that out there, and instead you keep it to yourself and yield to his request.

In this scenario, you have made your "no" your problem. You have attached consequences to your saying "no" to your partner's request that have negative implications for you. Essentially, you have made your "no" your issue-your problem.

But the fact is your "no" is not your problem. It's the other person's problem...unless you are dealing with someone who makes it your problem, as in the case of abusive relationships.

When My "No" Is Your Problem

Now imagine someone asking something of you wherein you experience that same uneasy feeling that tells you, "I don't want this...This is not for me...My choice is 'no'." And you simply relay that to the person making the request without becoming attached to and entangled in how they deal with your "no."

You may be mindful that your response will not be to the other person's liking, but you don't reflexively make that your problem. Instead, you trust that the other person will find it within himself/herself to cope with your reply without it having negative consequences for you.

Moreover, you trust that in clearly stating your preferences on the matter in question, you enhance the relationship. You are giving yourself permission to be genuine with that person, and you're giving them an opportunity to know you and your preferences.

Breaking Habits of Victimization

When you feel as though you need to regulate the other person's reaction to your involvement in the relationship, then you are cooperating in creating a dysfunctional interaction. You are supporting an arrangement that provides for the existence of one person in the relationship. And in doing this, you eliminate the other-yourself.

If you are in an abusive relationship or have been in an abusive relationship, you may have cultivated habits of victimization that support your being disempowered in relation to others. When you break these habits, you will discover how satisfying it is to be yourself in relation to others.

For more information about breaking the habits of victimization and healing abusive relationships, visit http://www.domesticabusetreatment.com and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide recognize, end and heal from spousal abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Controlling Relationships - The Choice of Control in Abusive Relationships

Physical dependence, emotional dependence and financial dependence are characteristics we see in battered women. Physical control, emotional control and financial control are characteristics common to abusive relationships. 

When we think of the word dependence, in adult relationships in which both parties are physically healthy, we imply choice. When we think of the word control, we deny the reality of choice and instead claim victimization. 

But the fact is that we choose to be controlled, just as we choose our dependencies. In working with battered women, I am keenly aware that they know of the choices they make in their abusive relationships. I certainly did in mine. 

Here are some steps you can take toward your independence and self-sufficiency before and during an abusive relationship. 

1) Make it a habit to have an activity or handful of activities that you do on your own without requiring the help or assistance of anyone else. 

2) Establish and maintain a friendship with an adult outside of your intimate relationship. This can be a family member, a coworker, a parent of your children's friends or a neighbor, physician or hairdresser. 

3) Maintain your own money. Even if it is only a small amount, place some funds in an account (saving or storage) that you and only you control. 

Now you may think that it is impossible to accomplish the above because your partner does not allow you to have separate funds, your own friends, nor independent personal passions. It is the nature of the beast. 

Make it your job early on in your relationship to groom your partner to appreciate the fact that you have money of your own, friends of your own and things you enjoy doing outside of your relationship. The sooner you do this, the less likely you will fall prey to the entrapment of an abusive relationship.

For more information about domestic abuse dynamics, visit www.EndDomesticAbuse.org/identify_domestic_abuse.php and get Free Instant Access to survivor success eInsights. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention.

Why Do Women Stay In Abusive Relationships?

If you have a loved one in an abusive relationship, the worry and often guilt can be almost overwhelming. Why would they choose this person? Should I have said something earlier? Why didn't I sense what their partner was really like when I first met them? What should I be doing now?

The questions will eat you alive if you let them.

However, the important thing to focus on is what you can do now to help them get out of the situation and what you can do in the future to help them not get into a situation like that again.

As far as what you can do now, the main thing is just to let the person know that you are there to support them. Don't pressure them to make the decision you want them to. Also, don't pressure them to be in touch with you, to follow through on plans, or anything else that they may have become unreliable at doing. They are under constant pressure from their abusive partner, as well as probably other people in their life. You want them to think of you as the one person they can always turn to, no matter what. In this way, they will be much more likely to turn to you for help if and when they do make the difficult decision to leave their abusive relationship.

A sad reality is that people tend to repeat unhealthy patterns in their life. Therefore, a scary possibility is that you might again find yourself watching your friend begin a relationship with a dangerous partner.

Hopefully, though, you will find yourself better prepared to spot the danger signs having been through it before. Also hopefully, your friend might be more likely to trust you after you have helped them once before.

The important thing to remember is to value your friend and let them know you are there for them.

To find out more about why women stay in abusive relationships and how you can help, visit http://squidoo.com/abusiverelationships

Controlling Relationship - How Complacency in Intimate Relationships Affects You

Complacency to avoid consequences yields a lack of assertiveness across the board...that is, in other relationships at work, at home and at large.

Some battered women will tell you that they only have difficulty holding their own with their abusive partners. I beg to differ.

Complacency with Your Intimate Partner

When in an abusive relationship, individuals gradually learn that with complacency one can avoid unwanted consequences. For example, yielding to the wishes of your controlling partner can avert the response associated with his not getting what he seeks.

It's a common conditioning that goes hand-in-hand with survival in an abusive relationship. You gradually, yet quickly, learn that when you don't deliver the desired request, you pay a price.

The price varies depending on individuals and on where couples are in the progression of their abuse dynamics. It can start with an irritating whine and progress to threats of abandonment or verbal, emotional or physical battering behavior.

The complacent partner is actually manipulating the circumstances by delivering that which her abusive partner seeks. And in so doing, her compliant behavior keeps their relationship conflict and danger at bay.

Complacency Spills Over

But it doesn't stop here. With her complacency comes a feeling of self-denial. She knows she has thrown a deaf ear at her own needs. And this leaves her feeling numb.

That numbness strengthens the more she experiences it...until the day comes when she finds herself empty where assertiveness is called for in other relationships.

Here's how it may manifest. You may find that you are interacting with a co-worker or a colleague or customer/client, and you fail to bring into the interaction your truest desires. You sit on your perspective and let other's agenda take course.

On some level, you are manipulating immediate interaction consequences without awareness of the larger implications of your complacency. Before you know it, you are doing the very same thing in this other relationship that you have been doing with your intimate partner. And the net result is that you strengthen your lack of assertiveness.

If you are using complacency to avoid consequences in your intimate relationship, beware of the consequences in the broader context of your life. Recognize the impact of this on your assertiveness skills and lack thereof before your numbness completely silences and ultimately destroys you.

For more information on controlling relationships, see www.preventabusiverelationships.com/controlling_relationship.php and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. ©Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Abusive relationships

Dating tips
Abusive relationships happen to almost everyone at least once in their entire life. Abuse takes many forms in a relationship and can be sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, physical, isolation, intimidation or threats. All of them, are subject to the victim, in an attempt to get him or her. It is important for the victims of abuse to know that this is not their fault, their abuse their partners since May that also confused and trapping. The partner in life to exploit them due to a problem of ego, among other issues that you may have with itself.

Abusive relationships is the kind of relations that lack of trust, respect and many a time lead to abuse. A healthy relationship promotes the well-being of the person and partners is solidarity. It is a pity that people in unhealthy relationships tend to feel like they because of their enormous interest partners abused. Many of these relationships are characterized by jealousy and believe that their partners really care for them and why I wanted to see other people. They do not understand this kind of obsession does not mean that love.

Another feature of abusive relationships a partner, the other control. This can be combined with infidelity, broken promises, extreme jealousy, sexual coercion and power plays. People in this kind of relations that have low self-esteem, because their trust under the violated by their partners. Always believe that it is not good enough and does not deserve to be loved by everyone. Also, many people feel that they deserve the abuse they suffer in the hands of those who is love. According to various studies, misuse have proved to be people who are very needy and therefore his control.

It is important for people to know the telltale signs of abusive relationships. This would fit better to deal with the obstacles that come with them. Partners who abuse alcohol or drugs can be potential abuses. The authoritarian and controlling behaviour often leads to abuse and extreme jealousy. Partners that others of friends and family isolate are the traces of the more and more abuse. Also quick tempered and violent partners are in most cases, abuse. Unrealistic demands sexual properties also show an increasingly abusive partner and if your immediate family has shown concern about your relationship, this clearly shows that there is a problem.

It is not easy to be an abusive relationship to tame and both parties should cooperate on this. Frankly, should open and display a willingness to look at. Among the recommendations is a treatment group that has helped many people get off the stage of denial. In cases where the abusive partner is not willing to change, it is important to detach itself from such a relationship before it even worse. Walking partners may be more furious and it's important for people to protect themselves, they can turn more violent as a form of revenge.

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Verbal violence in relationships and what it does and for the

Verbal violence in relationships and what it does and for the
By Barbara Rose, Ph. d.

I decided to include this chapter on the abuse, because most women "less than" more women who are not quite the sense feel, but broadcast or very sure.

Are You? This is to describe the most common forms of abuse, and point will ask you to write how you can relate. Write for a large part will help you see what you might prevent comes in wholeness. Hurtful words and behavior of the other can undermine your more than knowledge.

Maybe they are not for you now, but you have in the past. Perhaps you should abuse every day and you accept it because you think this is exactly how de Contrôle; It is. You can change the status quo a deep fear of being alone, without a partner, or material comfort or convenience, do you get of the Contrôle;. But the abuse in all its forms affects your self-esteem and confidence. Is poison for toxic for wholeness, radiance and deadly Supreme confidence.

Here are the signs of abuse. If you only know one thing: this is your chance to spot the signs and learn how to escape the abuse.

Oral, mental, and emotional abuse

Will guide you step by step so you can see how all forms of abuse can only undermine the wholeness, radiance and Supreme confidence that you really want to feel. It is my deepest hope that anyone who believes not only what I'm about to tell you, but you can also find the courage to take personal responsibility for your well-being at all levels.

Verbal abuse

Suppose that you have placed a couple of pounds, or even 20 or 30 and your partner makes a snide remark: "put some extra weight there, Hon. better to the gym." I note verbal violence. This doesn't feel good. Feel demeaning. When a comment is shameful, humiliating. And this is verbal abuse.

Make no excuses for comments. What you love "marks" that received more wrinkled, greyer, less toned. The list can be continued.

What matters is that you deserve to have someone in your life who loves and accepts you exactly as you are weight gray hair, wrinkles and all.

Now, suppose you say, "boy, I really win weight." and your partner, brilliant! "answers, but we all do sometimes. Love you for who you are, not the number on the scale. "This is an unconditionally loving partner.

See the difference? I could write a whole book about abuse, but I want to go directly to the point that you notice what abuse is.

Verbal violence consists of comments that lead you to feel "less than" Causing to have that sinking feeling in your stomach, the feeling of betrayal, pain, depression, sadness and pain.

When you notice that you being reactionary or otherwise abused, verbally – you, my dear sister, you have two options: (1) you can keep allow that to happen, and even less than I ever felt before. or (2) you can request the wrong person full stop. If he or she can stop, this is fantastic. If he or she does not stop, then we call up all your inner truth, all truly your feelings about verbal abuse every day received, and from the life of that person.

If you have any questions to the person to stop abuse several times and nothing has changed, nothing will change. A person who will not stop just because you ask again. Which gives you the ability to understand the way and can remain in the abusive situation seriously review their statements. Never abuse leads to take or tolerate, even for a few minutes.

Verbal attack comes in the form of snide remarks, put-downs, name-calling, derogatory comments, strong demands, control tones and harsh words.

If a woman who wants to feel fully and completely in, so your inner glow shows abroad, you can let the unlawful situation. There is no other way.

© Copyright by Barbara Rose, PhD-all rights reserved. CHAPTER excerpt reprinted with permission from the book know yourself: a woman's Guide to wholeness, Radiance and maximum confidence. (Team Rose, January 2006) ISBN: 0974145734

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Will not back ~ courage to end abusive relationships

Years ago, after standing up for himself, during a confrontation with sadness presence in my life, was a sentence said unto me that my deleting it from my life, "be careful what you burn bridges ..." I would like to remind you when I found how retort, if that person is willing to come to me an evil that would be my drive back to their door. So it was, however, the character of the person and the reason for the parting ways. Currently, brushed off the comments and went from the meeting, didn't give much thought until a few days ago, when the same wording to a friend of mine who a similar moral stand received said if I want my friend omstandighedenin a little courage, self-esteem and confirmed the broke ties with those who have long been mentally, and emotionally abuse towards him. He gave me this moment measurements define in his life and ultimately saying that he had said, "Watch" what your burning bridges. and this that I felt compelled to share with him some conclusions had come at the time I burned my bridges heard. "Keep an eye on what you burn bridges because it back this way again someday move can. "was the phrase that I said unto those who have chosen to break links with long time ago. When I heard this phrase, I remember that there are people who make their decisions based on easily-what is the "easiest" route for the long term. And then there are those who make decisions based on what you need to improve the overall prosperity, regardless of any reactions that as a result of their hearts can occur. what the person said to myself I couldn't understand is going on decades of painful sorrow, arnithikame, with my behavior, there is something that can never in my life to me back to them. When supported me deserve — their Declaration of independence from me and say "well, you deserve to love and more abuse!", I actually had "burned a bridge" still destroy this bridge was in a way to my determent policy. As the bridge burned one life end — a painful life — the way for a revival to occur which will grow and give my freedom of choice to respond to this sentence, when it was first was pitched on me based on my not wanting to continue the endless cycles of discussion going around with the person that I had already enough to lose my life. I reach that point when I was pretty sure that he himself-my options? I knew that there was never a chance that my reasons for validation for me to come to breaking with them (if they could ever take my wealth, my reasons for separation ways would Mute.) is not a real echoed verwijderenWanneer: sometimes you need to burn the bridge so that the devil did not follow us there are toxic when people in our lives that our enormous damage without ever care enough about us to see the damage that they hebbenNiets binds us to those people. Nothing obliges us to keep these people in our lives, no blood or marriage or any kind of faith. Where love is absent from a relationship with all its bonds to be solved and we need for the preservation of our life and health of mind/heart. There are those who deliberately choose to hurt us? owners don't love in their hearts to us, and whose presence is always our grief. People who don't see defect in their actions and therefore no remorse, and therefore no reason to change of their treatment of us feel.  These individuals should be assigned by the interests of our prosperity, regardless of what Earth means only venturing into the unknown. And, I say unto you, when we the limit of what you put in the hands of these toxic basis can bring, they are not afraid of the light that torch. An end to the abuse. Claim that love mankind and burn the bridge and you deserve. __________________________________________________________________

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Abusive Relationships - 3 Deadly Mistakes in Assuming Responsibility For the Battering Behavior

We hear it all the time: "You're not responsible for your abuser's battering behavior." Yet, victims of domestic abuse spend an inordinate amount of time trying to alter this behavior. Fix it. Change it. Account for it.

Often, and usually unknowingly, this invites three deadly mistakes victims of domestic abuse make in their abusive relationships.

3 deadly mistakes of shouldering the responsibility for battering behavior 

1) From others:  You inadvertently tell bystanders that you own all or part of the battering. You asked for it. You enjoy it...you deserve it. This is where the myth that "she deserves it" comes from.

2) From your partner:  When you join the dance and try to change your partner, you assume the responsibility to fix it. And if you're doing this, it must be your fault. This supports your abuser's belief that it is partly, or completely, your fault, which lends permission to continue to give you what you deserve...more battering.

3) From yourself:  Your efforts to change your partner prevent you from changing yourself, because no one is then available to tend to your own business. When you are in someone else's business being responsible for their behavior, how can you be in our own business? You can't.

Byron Katie says this so clearly. When you're not in your own business, you're disconnected from yourself. It is as though no one is home minding your affairs. And your connection to your authentic self is severed. This is the greatest death domestic abuse survivors endure.

If you are a victim of domestic abuse and you find yourself giving excuses for your batterer's behavior, halt and remember these three deadly mistakes. Recognize how your efforts to change your abusive partner result in the continuation of your abusive relationship and your loss of your authentic self.

For a deeper understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships, see Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identify Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

?2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention

Abusive Relationships - Why Doesn't She Just Leave For Crying Out Loud?

Almost as common as the question why doesn't she just leave are the answers. So why do people continue to ask? I suspect it is because a victim's staying in an abusive relationship is truly perplexing looking from the outside in.

Here are 3 clear explanations for why she doesn't just leave:

1) Unrealistic hopes, dreams, roles and perceived love, etc

Believe it or not she really does love him, or at least she thinks this is love. And she loves her fantasy of what her relationship should be like. An when she's married, she believes it's her job to be the peace-maker and family glue "til death do us/her part."

2) Commitment to the belief that there are insufficient resources

In her relationship, she has been groomed to believe that life support is external to self. Her relationship atmosphere of dominance, dependency and exclusivity does not support plentiful resources.

There are economic considerations, residential realities, children's lives and the daunting prospect of being this person's enemy. She knows it's easier to be his friend than to be his enemy...which leads us to number 3.

3) Realistic fear of the consequences of her leaving the relationship

She knows that when she leaves violence will escalate upon and after her departure. You see when a victim leaves an abusive relationship, her mere physical as well as emotional separation increases the perpetrators need to control his partner.

Abuse is about fundamentally about control. Violence maybe a manifestation of domestic abuse, but let's face it: abuse is fundamentally about control.

And the perpetrator can't bear to be out of control. When the perpetrator feels he's losing his grip, violence will escalate so as to re-engage control.

If you are looking from the outside in, come to the table with this understanding and you will be in a better position to help someone in an abusive relationship if and when they are ready to leave.

For a deeper understanding of what keeps abusive relationships going and ultimately what stops them, visit http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.

? 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Abusive Relationships - Making You the Problem in Your Abusive Relationship During Your Divorce

Battered women and abused men are accustomed to being the scapegoat for the problems in their abusive relationships. They are routinely told:

o "It's your fault, you made me do it, say it, etc.,"

o "If you weren't so ________, it wouldn't have happened."

o And oh yes, remember this one: "None of this ever happened anyway...It's all in your head, crazy-psycho."

Let's face it, "being the problem" goes hand-in-hand with being in an abusive relationship. It's what the perpetrator wants you to believe and it's also what you have bought into believing. It's part of the ugly glue that binds the abusive relationship.

Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows this well. So then why do you suppose that when someone goes to the system to seek remedy for domestic violence, they would get anything other than what they've been bombarded with all along?

You as the Problem from Home to Court

From the moment the police come to your door to the pits of the divorce court lion's den, your abusive partner will seek to make you the problem. That's what batterers do.

The only difference is that instead of telling you that you are the problem, he/she is telling this to all those who make decisions that influence your life, including but not limited to, the judicial and healthcare folks.

So please come out of your shock over the fact that he/she is trying to make you the bad guy, or the crazy one, or the liar. It's part of what's been there all along.

Shining the Light on the Real Problem

Then you ask yourself, "Why don't those in the system get it straight and realize that you are the victim and your spouse is merely externalizing blame for the marital skeletons?"

Unfortunately, the job of the people in the system is not to "get it;" rather it's to get it done. And far too often they are given false abuse allegations and may not have the training to decipher the authentic from the unreal-especially when it comes to intimate partner violence and child abuse.

If you are in divorce court with a batterer and you know you are not being heard, seek to find someone who can professionally represent your truth to those making important decisions. This will undoubtedly help you shine the light on the real problem and aid in offsetting your being made the problem.

For more information on abuse and divorce, see Legal Domestic Abuse http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/legal_domestic_abuse.php and Crazy Making Legal-Psychiatric Abuse. http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/crazy_making.php Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people end domestic abuse at home and in family court. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Emotionally Abusive Relationships

My friend told me how her husband made promises to change, any change was temporary and he always found a new way to hurt her. As if reading my mind, she said "but he doesn't hit me." Her ex-husband was physically abusive, and so this became her justification.

He doesn't hit me.

While he did not hit her, he sabotaged her. Blaming the children for things he did, like eating all the leftovers was common. He wanted sex all the time, and made inappropriate comments in front of the children and her friends. However while at church he acted as if he was a saint, wanting everyone to see how holy he was. This roller coaster of emotion had her confused and hurt almost all the time.

Emotionally abusive relationships leave damage.

The reason her statement bothered me so much, was because I had said those same words years before. My then husband would call me beautiful in public yet ignore me when we were alone. While I had a college degree, and worked in the accounting field, he acted like I could not balance a check book. He slowly cut me away from friends and family, limiting me to work, home or out with him. But he didn't hit me.

The emotional damage can take years to recover.

In a few short years I lost friends, family and believed I was ugly and stupid. The few friends I had, were ones that liked him and were glad to use me. After the divorce they eagerly continued his emotional abuse. They called me stupid and treated me badly. Because this had been so much a part of my life, I expected it and did not question them. But they never hit me, even though they set me up with a guy who did, once.

Relationships with men, while improving with each one, were not healthy. It also effected jobs, choosing job after job where the bosses sabotaged and demeaned employees. One boss to keep me from quitting, reminded me regularly that my dog was at home alone.

Gender does not matter in emotional abuse.

While I being emotionally abused I worked for a couple. The wife regularly insulted her husband. She called him names and verbally attacked him. He went to an exercise class twice a week, yet she would question him about when he would get home and what he was going to do. She would tell him regularly that she did not want him.

Is recovery from emotionally abusive relationships possible?

Some people are able to bounce back in months. For others, it takes years to recover. In my case it took years, because the friends I had, were not really friends. However, when I changed friends, my self worth grew and my self esteem. The new friends helped me pick out better men. They defend me, encourage me and call me when I am sick. They care. My boyfriend cares and now I speak out against "He doesn't hit me." Any relationship where that is the justification is not a good relationship.

Positive support helps recovery.

If my support had been stronger, I would have recovered sooner. If you know someone emotionally abused, find ways to encourage. Try to change their habits and routines to help the person find strengths and wins. If you are emotionally abused, then you need to abandon friends who are not supportive or call you names. You need positive friends. You are worth it! You deserve the best!

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Healing in Abusive Relationships - 7 Secrets to Successful Survival in an Abusive Relationship

Far too often, we hear individuals in abusive relationships seeking to change their partners in order to change their relationship. While it is true that a change in either person will change the overall dynamic of the relationship, changing one's partner is only an option if it is partner self-initiated.

Rather than holding onto something that is essentially out of one's control-actually not one's business-look to changing what is within your control and is indeed your business: yourself.

In working with thousands of patients over the years, the one thing I consistently see is that when people grow to honor and respect their physical, emotional, mental and spiritual space they have no tolerance for others not doing the same.

Now as I write this, I'm keenly aware of the hair standing up on end for those that are currently struggling in an abusive relationship. Know that I, too, lived there once and I know that when being battered and remaining entangled, on some level we are failing to hold reverence for that which our abusive partner has scorned.

Thus, I invite you to look within for the revolution. It is from here that lasting change occurs. It is truly from within.

In closing, I leave you with seven secrets to successful survival in an abusive relationship, during and after should the relationship remain abusive.

1) Write--journal daily both your inner world and your outer world.

2) Whole foods--nourish your body with that which is truly nourishing.

3) Water--let pure water be your primary beverage and saturate every cell with it.

4) Work-out--find a body strengthening and toning routine and make it a regimen.

5) The Work--when you feel mental and/or emotional distress, open your thoughts to an inquiry until they let go of you and your authentic truth will emerge.

6) Welcome--expect the universe and the individuals in your world to support, honor and respect you.

7) Wholeness--meditate and know the inner well of well-being. How? By cultivating the effortless innocent discipline of letting it in.

If I could tell you which one of these items is most important, I would. However, I'm convinced that each one is an integral part of the healing process. If you are inclined to adopt one of these seven secrets to survival in an abusive relationship as a start, meditation is the place to begin. With this, all of the others naturally follow.

For more survivor success tips and healing insights, visit www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic violence

? 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D. PreventAbusiveRelationships.com EndDomesticAbuse.org

Abusive Relationship Help - Personal Wholeness and Abusive Relationships

When you pull it back and stand whole in yourself, you may look at that man/woman and authentically say, "I love you." This may be hard to hear if you think domestic abuse is the only issue.

Many people look to their partners to fill the piece missing within themselves. And they rationalize their choice of this particular partner with something like, "He/she complements me." But, seeing your wholeness as dependent on the presence of this other person poses potential problems for both of you.

The obvious is that your seeing, feeling and being whole is completely dependent on that person. And they are elevated in your eyes to provide you with a lasting job that they can never really fulfill... making you what you are not-whole.

Sounds like circular talk? It's not really circular; it is self-evident, especially when you are walking in these shoes. Both parties in abusive relationships can be guilty of this thinking and from here, they place unrealistic expectations on one another.

Complementing Batterer and Abused

The batterer can look to his partner as his emotional security blanket, or as the caretaker of his unidentified and unexpressed feelings. And the abused can look to the batterer as the bully that protects her from dangers outside of the home and, in some cases, from life's responsibilities in general.

The projected message to the other person is that they serve to do for you what you aren't naturally providing for yourself. The trouble in this thinking comes when you stumble upon your integration of what the complementing partner offers you.

Your difficulty in assimilating and integrating what you get from your partner-that you yourself don't internally own-is that when you put it on, it doesn't fit. It can't truly fit-no matter how fitting it is-because you don't "really" own it in yourself.

In domestic abuse interventions, we work with this dynamic within the relationship and the challenge becomes how to help each person individually to find their wholeness within themselves. Once done, in most cases, the control and the power issues can more easily be remedied. (This, of course, is dependent on the underlying psychopathology in play.)

If you are in an abusive relationship, and you long to discover if the abuse dynamics can shift and be remedied, then seek to find effective domestic violence relationship therapy addressing multiple aspects of self and relationship abuse.

For more information about abusive relationship help, visit: www.domesticabusetreatment.com and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from relationship abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Abusive Relationship Help - Bullies, Babies and Lack of Boundaries in Abusive Relationships

People seeking to break the cycle of abuse know the bullies, babies and lack of boundaries in abusive relationships. What they long to understand is, "Who are these people, and where do they end and I begin?"

Who are the Bullies?

The bullies are those that want what they want when they want it. And most important to them is that you are expected to deliver. You heard me. They want it from you!

So, on the outside looking in, one may initially see them as empowered in their aggression. But the fact is that these aggressions don't emerge out of a place of invincibility. To the contrary, they emerge from vulnerability.

Who are the Babies?

They come from a place of longing what they have vested in you. They are the baby part under the roar. They are the hurting "little one" seeking their "fix" through you.

The so-called "fix" could be reassurance that you are not leaving them, confirmation that you care about them, verification that you love them... It is a "fix" that says, "Through something you give or show me, I'm okay." It's their emotional dependency that gives them their baby-like characteristic.

Where are the Boundaries?

Now here is the part that gets you, as a survivor, in trouble. Here is what gets you enmeshed in the cycle of abuse with your bully-baby.

When your bully-baby reaches out aggressively and abusively, you internalize the aggressive abuse. It pours in...and colors your day and defines your moment. And, in some cases, it may even define you.

The same thing happens when your spouse's vulnerable baby-like persona shows up, too. It oozes out from him/her, spilling over into you. It is as though there are no boundaries individuating you from your partner, much less your partner from you.

Your recognition of the bullies, babies and lack of boundaries in abusive relationships could be your first step in breaking the cycle of abuse.

For more information about abusive relationships, visit: http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ebooks.php and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Verbal Abuse in Relationships - What Is It and What Can You Do About It?

The definition of verbal abuse is spoken words used with the intent to cause harm. Verbally abusive statements are directed at another person, causing emotional suffering and leading to depression, low self esteem and even thoughts of suicide. In addition to the psychological effects, verbal abuse can lead to physical ailments resulting from stress and a depressed immune system.

What is Verbal Abuse?

- is hurtful and frequently attacks the character and/or abilities of the victim. Over time, the victim may begin to believe that there is something wrong with them or their abilities. The victim may come to feel that they are the problem, rather than their partner.

- is judging and criticizing. The abuser may judge the victim and then express that judgment in a critical way.

- may be overt or covert. Overt abuse usually involves blame and accusations. Covert verbal abuse involves hidden aggression, and is even more confusing to the victim.

- is about control and manipulation. Even reproachful comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way.

- is often subtle. The victim's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without them realizing it. They may consciously or unconsciously try to change their behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

- is unpredictable.

- is not a side issue; it is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this is not resolved. There is no closure.

- may escalate, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. It may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes and evolve later into other forms. Sometimes it can escalate into physical abuse.

- is also know as trivializing, which is a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant.

- is blocking and diverting. The abuser refuses to communicate, decides what can and can't be discussed, or withholds information.

- may also include undermining, threatening, name-calling, forgetting the abuse ever happened and/or giving orders.

Currently, it is thought that verbal abuse may be the worst of the three principle abuse categories (physical, emotional and verbal) because memories of physical or emotional abuse may fade, but insults can often be remembered word for word, indefinitely. Abuse is about control. To escape it, you can take control of your own feelings and the way you communicate without trying to control the other person. Love should not hurt.

The first step in ending verbal abuse is recognizing that you are in a verbally abusive relationship. If your partner often makes malicious comments that hurt you emotionally, seek outside help in putting a stop to it. The old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is clearly untrue - words can cause damage. And that damage may stick with you throughout your entire life. Some relationships are much more abusive than others. If you generally have a good relationship but it deteriorates into pointless arguing, you can probably fix it. Even a more abusive relationship may be worth working on if you can see improvements over time. If you seem to be moving in the right direction, don't ask why, just keep moving. Consider leaving if the abuser will not listen, is inflexible, will not consider counseling, tells everyone that you are crazy or that you are the abuser, wears two masks (a nice one for the world and the abusive one for you) or insists that everything be done their way or the highway.

Nancy Travers, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, specializes in all types of relationships; dating, existing relationships, family relationships, and relationships with friends and business relationships. She also helps her clients overcome anxiety and depression through talk therapy as well as through hypnosis. What sets her apart from many other counselors is that she has counseled in the gay/lesbian community for over 10 years. She also has experience counseling families with elder care issues. Nancy has been in practice for over 15 years and can provide you with the tools you need to approach dating and relationships with confidence. Visit her website at http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com.

Understanding Abusive Relationships - 5 Benefits of Learning to Identify Intimate Partner Abuse

If you have read my writing, you may know me as someone who encourages people to recognize intimate partner violence. But, I wonder if you know why I'm so steadfast about this.

Learn to Meditate Is Like Learn to Mate

I'm reminded of the days when I taught biofeedback and meditation to individuals in my psychotherapy practice. It seemed like no matter who walked through that door, whether they had high blood pressure, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, migraines, insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks or depression, I always opened the door for a discussion that ultimately led to three little words: Learn to Meditate!

People came into my practice wanting symptom reduction and walked out of my practice with life enhancement on top of symptom reduction. I'm telling you this little story because it's the same with my pervasive message of: Learn to Identify Intimate Partner Violence.

The Benefits of Learning to Identify Intimate Partner Abuse

Let me elaborate. You see, it's not only that you will be better able to recognize a bully or identify your circumstances as fulfilling the criteria of intimate partner violence or not. Oh no, it's much more than that.

When you learn to identify intimate partner violence, here's what also happens over time.

1) You know how to prevent an abusive relationship from developing

2) You know how to arrest an abusive relationship in the moment

3) You know how to avoid abusive relationships before they begin

4) You bring into focus the flip-side of partner abuse, and from here you can clearly pursue it

5) Ultimately for most people that's exactly what they want...a loving intimate relationship characterized by mutual honor, respect and support.

If you have the occasion to understand this dynamic and plan to have an intimate relationship, you owe it to your self to understand the silent insidious syndrome of intimate partner abuse before it sneaks up out of nowhere and catches you by surprise.

For more insights and information about identifying domestic abuse visit http://www.IsThisAbuse.com and claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in court. ?2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.