Abusive Relationship Help - Bullies, Babies and Lack of Boundaries in Abusive Relationships

People seeking to break the cycle of abuse know the bullies, babies and lack of boundaries in abusive relationships. What they long to understand is, "Who are these people, and where do they end and I begin?"

Who are the Bullies?

The bullies are those that want what they want when they want it. And most important to them is that you are expected to deliver. You heard me. They want it from you!

So, on the outside looking in, one may initially see them as empowered in their aggression. But the fact is that these aggressions don't emerge out of a place of invincibility. To the contrary, they emerge from vulnerability.

Who are the Babies?

They come from a place of longing what they have vested in you. They are the baby part under the roar. They are the hurting "little one" seeking their "fix" through you.

The so-called "fix" could be reassurance that you are not leaving them, confirmation that you care about them, verification that you love them... It is a "fix" that says, "Through something you give or show me, I'm okay." It's their emotional dependency that gives them their baby-like characteristic.

Where are the Boundaries?

Now here is the part that gets you, as a survivor, in trouble. Here is what gets you enmeshed in the cycle of abuse with your bully-baby.

When your bully-baby reaches out aggressively and abusively, you internalize the aggressive abuse. It pours in...and colors your day and defines your moment. And, in some cases, it may even define you.

The same thing happens when your spouse's vulnerable baby-like persona shows up, too. It oozes out from him/her, spilling over into you. It is as though there are no boundaries individuating you from your partner, much less your partner from you.

Your recognition of the bullies, babies and lack of boundaries in abusive relationships could be your first step in breaking the cycle of abuse.

For more information about abusive relationships, visit: http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ebooks.php and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Workplace Bullies and Intimate Partner Abusers - What's the Difference?

What is the difference between an intimate partner abuser and a workplace bully? Some people think they are the same. But all bullies do not fulfill the criteria for intimate partner abusers, even though they indulge in and enjoy relationship abuse. 

How Are Bullies and Abusers Alike? 

In my work with bullies and abusers, I've recognized that they both use battering to establish and maintain a relationship atmosphere of unequal power. Now this battering can be psychological, emotional or verbal abuse. And, as you know, it can escalate into physical and/or sexual abuse. 

Both bullies and abusers will fail to show authentic empathy toward the object of their abuse. They both will seek to control at all cost, and they will externalize blame to accomplish their end. 

How Are Bullies and Abusers Different? 

Where they differ is in the dimensions of possessiveness and isolation. Abusers are known for their need to posses their partner as though she/he was their property. They will exhibit excessive jealously, bordering on an inappropriate obsession. 

And lastly, the partner abuser will seek to isolate the victim from all sources of support outside of his/her control. This may be financial, physical, emotional, spiritual... 

The bully, on the other hand, doesn't seek to isolate his/her victim in the same fashion or to the extent that the intimate partner abuser isolates their partner. And clearly, the bully will be less likely to cling with possessiveness. To the contrary, the bully doesn't need to own the other person to experience their empowerment. 

A Final Distinction between Bullies and Intimate Partner Abusers 

Intimate partner abusers will bully their abuse partner and may not bully outside of "love" relationships. Whereas, a bully is a bully is a bully in relationships unilaterally. 

If you encounter a bully or an intimate partner abuser, proceed with caution. Seek to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships, so as to avoid becoming an abuse victim or a causality of bullying.

For more information about abuse dynamics, see Domestic Abuse Dynamics. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal for domestic abuse and bullying. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/identify_domestic_abuse.php