The 3 Stages of a Mentally Abusive Relationship

Nobody ever walks consciously into an abusive relationship. Rather they 'sign up' for a relationship that, they believe, offers them most of what they want; and they are prepared to compromise on the things that they sense are not on offer. Or, maybe, they think that, in time, they will educate - or train - their partner to provide the other things that they want as well.

"Is that such a bad foundation for a relationship?" you might ask. "People do that all the time."

Of course they do. You are absolutely right. Most people settle for a partner who falls short of their ideal - or, to put it another way, people accept someone who does not altogether measure up to their dream. In some cases it works out well, and in the case of abused women it works out very badly indeed.

What makes for the difference?

Quite simply, it is the shortcomings that people are prepared to accept. Settling for someone whose appearance, dress sense, social status, and education fall short of your aspirations, may well be a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Settling for someone who has a string of past relationships that ended badly, a strong sense of grievance, is quick to express fury and contempt - albeit with other people - is akin to putting your hand in the fire; and then being terribly surprised when that hand gets 3rd degree burns.

The way a new partner behaves towards you in the early days of a relationship, when he is out to win your heart, is less indicative of what lies ahead than the way he behaves towards other people. Especially the 'other people' who 'don't matter'; like people in service industries.

"So, how does this relate to a mentally abusive relationship?"

Having worked with hundreds and hundreds of abused women, I am aware of the gulf between how they define the early, heady days of their relationship and the way things truly were. Women talk about how wonderful and caring their abusive partner was at the start, before he started changing from Mr Nice Guy into Mr Nasty in front of their very eyes.

There is no doubt that mentally abused women believe the story that they tell. Equally, there is no doubt that they view the start of their relationship through the rose-tinted spectacles of denial. In fact, their partner wooed them fast, swept them off their feet, by saying the things that they ached to hear... but - and it is a big but - he showed behaviours that were worrying.

There were times when he was inconsiderate, when he overreacted to situations and became quite angry or punitive towards them. His behaviour was, to put it bluntly, selfish: the relationship was about what he wanted, first and foremost.

In the first stage of the relationship, the woman's mental dialogue is all about making 'it' up to him for his past (and present) problems, and making allowances, and excuses, for behaviours that, she senses, are less than ideal. He may look good, and dress well, and there may well be "chemistry". So, his partner overlooks fundamental differences in their values, and attitudes regarding relationships.

In the second stage of the relationship, Mr Nasty has become very much a part of the relationship. He may be around rather more of the time than Mr Nice Guy. By now, this man has largely stopped making the effort to please his partner. Why should he? Most of the time he can get what he wants from her through intimidation, anger or punishment Why does that work? Why doesn't she just walk away - as she knows that she should? Because she thinks back to all the "potential" for being a great partner that he showed in the early days. She tells herself that, if she tries a little harder and shows him more love and support, sooner or later he is bound to turn back into Mr Nice Guy. When that happens, she will finally have the relationship she desires.

Besides, by now, she has invested so much of her heart and her identity in him that she can't bear to throw away what they had.

In the third stage of the relationship, Mr Nice Guy is little more than a distant memory; at least where his partner is concerned. He may turn on the charm when he is out in public, he may dust off his "nice" side for the benefit of any other woman in town, but in the privacy of his own home he is cold, unloving, fault-finding, punitive and contemptuous.

Of course, his treatment has taken its toll. By this stage, his partner has been so brainwashed by the constant mental and emotional abuse that she has lost her confidence, her self-worth, and her sense of her own identity. She is constantly fearful of provoking another outburst, and she blames herself for everything. Worse still, she has come to treat herself as badly as her partner treats her. She feels completely drained, desperate and hopeless. She simply cannot see a way out.

She cannot see a way out for two very important reasons. First, she doesn't understand what has happened to her, and that it is not her fault. Second, she doesn't know how to heal and get her life back on track. Because she has been so brainwashed, it is almost impossible for her to make the journey back to health on happiness without expert help.

Happily, the world is not as she has been conditioned to see it. With expert help, she will be able to let go of her abusive relationship and create a meaningful life for herself.

A mentally abusive relationship may feel like a living death. Fortunately, there is life after mental emotional abuse. Having survived a mentally abusive relationship, means that you have the strength to heal, and a tremendous capacity, as well as hunger, for the happiness you desire.

Dr Annie Kaszina Ph D, is an Emotional Abuse Recovery writer and Expert. Annie works, 1-2-1 and in groups, worldwide, with women who have struggled in an abusive relationship. She has helped many hundreds of women overcome their insecurities, clear the anxieties and get their life back on track once and for all, so that they can experience all the happiness, laughter, self-esteem and purpose that have been missing from their life. Annie is the author of: "The Woman You Want To Be", one of the top books on the market for healing the trauma of an abusive relationship.

You can get Annie's Free Report "The Seven Things You Need To Know" and sign up to Annie's free bi-monthly ezine by visiting http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com. You can email Annie at: annie@EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com.

The Relationship Dynamics

It is often said that the relationships one engages in reveal a lot about one's character but I beg to differ and to approach it the other way: the relationships one gets into help to shape one's character. Character comes from experiences, it is who we are and who we are develops from what we brush onto. There is a story of a woman who from childhood had dreams about becoming a very powerful, successful and intelligent wife, lover, mother and business woman all moulded in one. Such dreams propelled her to pursue her studies, relationships and search for information with such vigour. She was considered top of the range by her peers until she got into an abusive relationship. Being in an abusive relationship is toxic to say the least. One loses their identity as their confidence is shattered. Spending several years in an abusive relationship alters one's character in two ways:

(a) As long as one is trying to protect themselves from harm and further abuse, a sense of self is lost. A battle of the mind ensues where; means and ways are devised in order to charm the abuser in a bid to change the status quo. One could throw away their values and adopt mechanisms such as lying, cheating and faking in order to appease the abuser. It also becomes a way of numbing the pain and a solitary place for coping.

(b) If one receives support from society and is properly counselled, the situation in an abusive relationship could help develop resistance, a strong character that is unwavering, a fighting spirit driven by faith and hope in a better outcome. One woman who found herself in an abusive relationship for several years, started off on the deeper end where her character deteriorated as a response to abuse. She became bitter, hostile and of loose morals in a bid to numb the pain. Her relationships with the world at large were tainted by a desire to protect herself from further harm. As a result she could not properly distinguish good intent from bad intent. She picked and got involved with the wrong people as her judgement had been clouded by this incident of abuse in her life. She went about mistreating and hurting other people with the same intensity that she felt abused and therefore her character was badly damaged and her reputation was far from good.

However, as she received counselling and support from society and her friends and relatives, coupled with spiritual guidance and exposure, she began to transform. Gradually, she began to renew her mind, her thoughts, her attitudes and thus her character. Despite the prevalence of abuse and its persistence in her life, she became much stronger to the extent of fighting off the abuse in a psychological way. The abuser was caught off guard as this strong willed woman emerged and began to challenge the abuser, and to clean up her life and to develop a better and stronger character. She learnt to love and trust again against the odds of persistent abuse, to the extent that the abuser was overpowered by her new attitude, strong will and strong character. Within a short space of time, this woman was transformed in a way that began to rub off on other people.She started counselling and helping other people who found themselves in the same situation that she had been.

Mosline Farawu is an Internet Marketer who likes to share daily observations and commentaries made in the news and society. Her compilation of daily observations can be found on her blog at: http://www.observationseveryday.com

Relationship Abuse - Why, What, How? Abuse Help For Women From Broken Homes

The root problem, especially for women from broken homes, is that they long to be loved by a man--even if the relationship is less than healthy. Even if they have to tolerate abusive behavior just to be loved. Following is Chanelle's story.

My home was dysfunctional - unwed mother, no father. Mom did a fine job of raising us, but it was one-sided. So I grew up with this need in me to be loved by a man. A father. A lover. A husband -- either, or, didn't matter. Since there was no positive influence of a man in the house to serve as a role model, there was this huge disconnect.

I mean, how was I supposed to know what a compatible, loving relationship between a man and a woman was like? What qualities a man was supposed to express as a lover and best friend to his wife? Or how a responsible loving father would train his children and set goals for his family to grow and prosper in life? Or how a couple would solve problems in a way that worked when the ride became bumpy?"

So when I became fast and sassy, I listened to the crap the sharpest guys were dishing out. I mean, my role model was listening to the sexy lyrics of MTV and BET videos. RAP music and the like. Checking out who wore the latest fads and had the best line. Basically I was just stumbling around life, looking for love here and there, hoping for the best.

After more hits and misses than I want to own up to, I wound up with Kurt, who moved in. Initially he perpetrated himself as the perfect man for me, wining and dining me, showering me with attention. But it was all a control game. He was manipulating me. You see, the early attention was to convince me that he really loved me. Then when he felt I was won over, he started to wean away, making excuses for his absences. Out with the boys. Gotta meet someone down on the corner. Working late. Excuses beyond time.

Sometimes he'd be gone for days-but of course he'd show up on "pay day", spend my money and dared me to ask where he'd been. And if I did show an attitude -- nighttime pleasures too sweet for words would flow again. He'd love me like no woman could resist and I'd be convinced that he loved me all over again, causing me to forget days of neglect, despite all his crap. Never mind he didn't give me any money, didn't help with the baby, didn't assist around the house - he loved me didn't he? I had a man didn't I? And he was my man.

Then there were the put-downs. He'd call me lazy, inconsiderate, fat, anything that would make me feel guilty for his negativity toward me, suggesting, given my faults, it was a privilege just to have him around. At the time, it didn't matter - I mean, you don't give up on your man. Consequently I found myself doing everything I knew how to please him. Yet many a tear-soaked pillow cradled me through lonely nights. Most times I was irritable, anxious, angry, yet I kept holding on for 13 long years loving him, hoping, praying that we'd stay together, maybe even get married."

Then...One day, the cramping knots in my stomach, the burning pain in my heart, the constant feelings of worthlessness throbbing in my head, told me enough was enough. By that time I'd learned computer skills and landed a job where a coworker recommended a counselor. The counselor taught me principles of self love and how relationships work best and I have never looked back.

Bottom line is when a woman learns to love herself first--she will recognize abuse and won't tolerate an abusive relationship ever again.

My name is Donna Patterson. At http://www.readyformarriagedating.com, I teach women the limits of Uncommitted love and sex to instead discover the six critical decisions necessary to establish Committed Love first, leading to genuine love and a husband as best friend in marriage based on a six-step transitions process. Also, Download 6 FREE Sure-Fire Dating Tips. Click here: http://www.readyformarriagedating.com

10 Signs of Emotionally Abusive Relationships

The signs of a physically abusive relationship are usually pretty easy to see. The actions that define an emotionally abusive relationship, however, are far less clear. How does a man or woman in an emotionally abusive relationship quantify actions that don't leave physical marks? How does someone in a relationship that leaves them uneasy and uncomfortable justify that feeling to themselves or to another? The sad truth is that many times, a man or woman in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive may not even understand that she is being abused. There are, however, signs of an emotionally abusive relationship. If three or more of these signs describe your relationship, you may want to learn more about emotional abuse and how it can affect you, your children and your life.

Note: Emotionally abusive relationships come in all shapes. While the word "partner" is used in these signs, it could just as easily be "parent", "child" or "friend". While women and girls are more often the victims of emotional abuse in partner relationships, boys and men are also often victims of emotional abuse. Gender pronouns are used simply as a convenience.

1. Do you find yourself "tiptoeing on eggshells" to avoid making your partner angry?

2. Does your partner frequently ridicule you in front of others and accuse you of having no sense of humor if you object?

3. Does your partner criticize everything you do? Has he ever told you that you're "lucky to have him" or made you feel that no one else could love you?

4. Has your circle of friends and acquaintances seemed to dry up since the two of you have been together? Do you have no friends outside the relationship?

5. Do you have to account for every moment you spend away from the house? Does he or she constantly accuse you of flirting with others when you weren't?

6. Does your partner blame you for his angry outbursts? Is it "always your fault" when something goes wrong?

7. Does your partner control all the finances? Does he control your access to money, work, friends or transportation?

8. Has your partner threatened to hurt herself if you leave, or if you don't do what she wants?

9. Has your partner ever threatened or implied that he would hurt you or your children? Has he threatened to "take your children away" or made comments like "you'll be sorry" or "you don't know what I'm capable of doing"?

10. Do you feel afraid, helpless or angry most of the time?

Though there are no physical bruises visible in emotionally abusive relationship, however the scares left from such abuse lingers for years in some cases. And the worse of all, it can sometimes lead to psychological and mental health issues.

P.S, Enhance your relationship and sex life: learn how to ask delicate but romantic questions that will ignite the spark and set the right mood in your relationship any time; here's the mood setting questions, romance/relationship eBook that you should read. Get your copy of the FREE eBook here

Emeka Ezidiegwu is an author of several romance and relationship publishing. If this article informed you, please feel free to visit us at: http://www.cupidmaster.com/emotionally-abusive-relationships.php for more related and interesting articles.

The Process of an Abusive Relationship and How to Get Out

Are you in an abusive relationship? Do you know someone in an abusive relationship?

There are more women out there than you can image that have been or are in an abusive relationship. Talking about abusive relationships is really hard; it's a tough topic for me to go over, as I have been in an abusive relationship. I feel if you at least know then you may be better prepared if something happens and you might be able to prevent abuse, for yourself or your friends. Or you will find a way out of the abuse.

So what is an abusive relationship?

It's any relationship (not necessarily intimate, can be friendship) where one person is being taken advantage of, forced to do things they don't want to do or being hurt. They may not even realize they are being hurt. The hurt can be emotional, physical or psychological.

What is the process of an abusive relationship?

There are many ways abuse can get started. But there seems to be a general pattern. In an intimate relationship (and this can go for friendship as well) two people meet and they seem perfect for each other. The relationship starts off really well, you like him, he likes you and he gets along oh so well with your friends. You may notice little "red flags" but you may ignore them. Once the abuser has your trust and has put you into a mind frame where you think you know him, things will slowly change. This change can happen weeks in or months in, it depends on how trusting you are and how manipulative he is.

These are some of the things that can happen, not necessarily in this order.

Knowing Your Every Move

He will start asking where you are, who your with, what you did, what time it was at, this will happen for everything. It could be about work, school, going out with friends, a party, family outings, etc. He will want to know everything your doing, in fact he may even call you while your out to check up on you. He may even chose to follow you, odds are you won't know he followed you (if you do, drop him!).

Jealousy

He will start to get jealous of other guys who might be paying attention to you. Or he will be jealous of you looking at a guy or a guy looking at you. This is uncalled for, if you trust each other then he has no reason to be jealous. This can start to extend to your friendships and family. He may be jealous of the time you spend with them or how close you are with them. He might even be jealous of the time you spend doing your homework!

Going Where You Go

He may start to go to everything you go to, even coffee with a close gal pal. He's doing this so he can monitor the situation and conversation. This way you can't say anything about him in front of your friends.

Charming To Your Friends

He might be the perfect guy in front of your friends. He'll do this because he doesn't want anyone to know and then you will also be discredited. Your friends or acquaintances may not believe you "But he seems like such a nice guy, he'd never do that". Or they won't realize there is anything wrong.

Isolation

Over time he may try to isolate you from your friends and family. It could be simple things of "oh don't go to that party just stay here with me". He might get jealous or upset if you go out and convince you to stay with him.

Insults

At some point he will start insulting you. This is to make you lose your self-esteem and self-worth. It might be things like:

- You're wrong.

- You're stupid.

- You're ugly.

- You're fat.

- You can't do anything right.

- You're lucky you have me because you can't get anyone else.

OK, that list could go on and on and on, but I think you get the idea and if you've ever been told any of that you know it's hurtful.

Eventually you will be manipulated into thinking you are worthless, that you are always wrong and everything is your fault.

This is the real beginning of your problems at this point, because it's hard to turn back and get out of the relationship. And no things don't ever get better.

So why can't I get out of the relationship?

Most women feel worthless and feel like they are nobody without this person. Therefore, being scared of what's out there they stay in the bad relationship. When you feel like you're nothing, you are less likely to get help or get out of the relationship, you may feel you do not deserve happiness. The thing is, he's manipulated you into feeling that way. You are a worthwhile human being, you mean something wonderful to someone, and you deserve happiness.

What happens next?

This is when the really bad things start to happen, although if you read the above that's bad enough.

It all depends on what kind of guy he is. He could be:

- Mentally Abusive

- Emotionally Abusive

- Physically Abusive

Any abuse he showed you prior will escalate, he may be the type who drinks and gets really angry and that's when his abusive side will show. Or he might be abusive all the time.

Just keep in mind this won't get better, it doesn't just go away and he will not wake up one day and stop doing this.

He may start insulting you more, hitting you or manipulating you into a bad way of thinking. And of course it can always get worse. You need to get out of the relationship now, you're life is literally at risk.

How do I avoid an abusive relationship?

Well the first thing you can do to avoid an abusive relationship is read the process of an abusive relationship as mentioned above. If you start to see any of that behavior or "red flags", run don't walk, you need to get out of the relationship.

Sometimes it may seem like nothing but if it bugs you or you have a gut feeling, then you need to carefully think about it. There are plenty of men out there, he is not the only one, so don't stay with him because your afraid you won't find someone else.

I had a boyfriend say to me that if I ever cheated on him he would cut my hair off, because it mattered so much to me. That really bugged me, but I shrugged it off, I never forgot about it and stayed with him anyways, it was a mistake. We aren't together any more, that's just another example of red flags and why you should listen to them.

Avoiding an abusive relationship can be tough if you get slowly manipulated. But remember you are an incredible person and you don't deserve to be treated badly, so if it starts even in small ways, move on you can do better. By not getting thoroughly stuck in the relationship you can avoid getting hurt. In the long run the pain you feel from ending the relationship will be far less then the pain he will cause you later, and it will take far longer to pick up the pieces.

I'm in an abusive relationship, what do I do?

Every situation will be different and your plan of action will depend on his actions and your support system. I'll give you a general guide line, but it is up to you to save yourself. No one is going to save you, they can't, it's up to you to take control of your life.

Step 1

Identify that you are in an abusive relationship. Done that? Good now lets get to the action plan.

If you know you're in an abusive relationship and you feel like there's no point in getting out of it, write yourself a pros and cons list for staying. Whatever you put for pros, if you really think about it, they probably aren't that good. Fear of not finding someone is not a good reason to stay in a relationship.

If you are afraid that you can't support yourself, well guess again, anything is possible. You may have to take on a part time job, but isn't that better then feeling worthless because of the person you are with? Find a roommate, that will help pay the bills. You may be eligible for support programs or low income housing. Call around and see what you can find, if you don't reach out, help will not come find you.

Step 2

Identify his patterns. You want to be able to figure out the best way of leaving that will be the least confrontational. If you don't live with him this will be much easier. If you do live with him you need to give this some serious consideration. Those women who pack their things up while he's at work and just move out, before he gets home, they have the right idea. Now you need to make that work for you.

You don't want to pack in front of him, he will try to stop you. Do not give him warning as he will try to stop you. You may have to leave certain things behind, that is just a sacrifice you are going to have to make.

I'm not saying move out at this stage, I'm saying plan for it. You need an escape route and it may take some planning.

Step 3

Find a support group. No I'm not necessarily talking about a group you go to. A support group can be a group of people in the same situation who go to meetings. But more so your support group needs to come from your friends and family.

This is going to be a hard transition you need to have all the love and support you can get. Some of your friends may not be able to help you much. But if they know how to pack and own a vehicle, bingo take it. Make sure your friends and family(who won't possibly tell him) are on board with you and can help you through this. Don't broadcast the plan to a lot of people, you don't want him to find out.

Step 4

Secure a place to stay, it might be at a relatives, a friends. Technically if you can pick a place he won't find you at, then you'll be much better off. Otherwise if you stay somewhere he knows he can stalk you. You might need to bunk down with a couple of friends for a while until you find something more permanent, but if they are your friends they will help you.

Step 5

OK, this is the one you may not like. Go to the police. You do not have to press charges. You need to tell them what has been happening and what you plan to do. Why? This will leave a paper trail. Should you leave and he finds you and gets really mad and hurts you in some way, then the police will already have a prior complaint on record and know this didn't just come out of the blue.

A paper trail makes it easier to prosecute if need be. You don't need to do anything besides report it, you can ask the officer not to take action, just explain you want a paper trail. I've done this before and they are very helpful. If you are afraid he may start stalking you, tell them this, write it down in a statement. Then they know what you are afraid of happening. They may not be able to do anything but at least they have it on record until something else happens.

Step 6

Are you ready? Now it's time to put your plan into action and get the heck out of there. Protect yourself in whatever way you can. Remember if a person is abusive they already have a few screws loose, they may go to different extremes when they discover your gone. But the fear of something happening won't make your situation better, you can't stay out of fear. Take back your life right now!

My friend is in an abusive relationship, what can I do for her?

If you have come to realize that your friend is in an abusive relationship good for you. She will need all the support you can give her.

Sadly a lot of people have a hard time asking for help. And a lot of people have an even harder time being told they need help. You're friend may be in denial about the situation and won't want to hear what you think is happening. This won't make it easy. If you tell her how you feel she may cut communication off completely with you. Her reaction shouldn't be taken personally, she has been manipulated.

You know your friend best, so you know how to best handle the situation. If she doesn't like confrontation and would shut down if you approached her about the abuse, then don't bring it up.

Try to encourage her to talk and think out loud. Let her sort out her unconscious thoughts and put the pieces together by herself.

The very best you can do is be there for her. If you read the above steps of getting out of an abusive relationship you will know how to better help her and what you can do for her.

It's going to be a very tough situation, for you and her.

The Abusive Relationship Rules

1.You can not change the guy, not matter how hard you try.

2.No, things will not get better in the relationship.

3.If you see a red flag, run like hell!

4.Insulting you is not ok.

5.Hitting you is not ok.

6.You're needs are more important than his.

7.You will not be self sacrificial because you think that leaving him will hurt him.

8.If he threatens suicide or commits suicide, it is NOT YOUR FAULT! You could not have prevented it, these are his actions, not yours.

Self Doubt

It's easy to start doubting ourselves and feel like the situation is hopeless. So I'll tell you a short version of my story to help lift you up a bit.

I went through an abusive relationship for 2 years, emotionally and physically, I eventually got help and managed to get out of it. I later entered into what I thought was a good relationship, as it turned out it really wasn't, it lasted 4.5 years. Now I am in the most incredible relationship with the most wonderful guy. You just have to kiss a lot of toads before your prince charming comes along.

Moral of the story? Don't give up and don't settle for anyone. You owe it to yourself to find the right guy who will treat you right!

If you need a mantra to say to yourself to get through the hard moments, try one of these:

-I am loved, loving and love able.

-I deserve happiness. I deserve good things.

Holly Edwards
The Woman's Survival Guide to Sexual Health

Learn more about relationships.

http://www.the-womans-survival-guide-to-sexual-health.com

In an Abusive Relationship - The Problem With Promises After Physical, Emotional and Verbal Abuse

We've all heard it happens and if you've ever been in an abusive relationship you know those promises like the back of your hand.

They seem so sweet in the first handful of rounds living in an abusive relationship. And all that happens in the relationship immediately after feels just the same...real sweet. HONEYmoon sweet.

You know there is a "but" coming here. I know you can feel it.

...But, when one yields to the promises, here's what happens.

A) For the Abuser

Abuser conditioning - Taking the person back after an assault (whether physical, emotional or verbal abuse), essentially sends a message that the abuser can "get away" with that level of abuse. This is part of how the stage is built for permission for the next altercation to magnify, to be more severe than the one before. Well, if I can get away with that one, then...

B) For the Abused

Breeds false hope for victim/survivor. Why? Because the promise in and of itself is not what changes battering behavior. The promise fails to take into account the etiology of the assault (again, whether verbal abuse, emotional abuse or an outright physical assault). More often it only, yet dearly says: I won't do that anymore. Things will be different.

C) For the Couple Entangled in an Abusive Relationship

It rekindles the status quo, while diverting attention from the real issues. So, in addition to complicating both parties individual understanding of the altercation, it keeps the couple "elephant under the carpet"...exquisitely covered so no one can see. Not those looking from the inside out, much less those looking from the outside in.

If you find yourself face-to-face with one of these promises, be mindful of all of the implications that go hand and hand with it. The more you know earlier on, the less likely you will be a consequence (a victim) of an abusive relationship spiraling out of control.

For a deeper understanding of what keeps emotional verbal abuse going and what stops it, visit http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. is founding director of nonprofit Partners in Prevention, dedicated to helping domestic abuse survivors and their advocates.

?2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention

How To Improve & Define Your Relationships

Everyone has relationships with anyone they interact with, even briefly. It might be the clerk at the grocery store or the gas station attendant, or it might be your significant other. Have you ever given any significant thought to the type of relationships that you have with these people, or how to improve that relationship if it is not up to the level that you desire?

First of all, you need to determine how you appear to those people. Try to put yourself in their position and look at yourself in the environment where they would typically see you and interact with you. What type of person would they describe you to be? Would they think you are sour on life and always negative? Would they think you are full of life and energy and always upbeat? The image that you portray to them will speak volumes about the type of relationship you have with them.

More importantly, how is your relationship with the people in your life who are most important to you? If you have a spouse or significant other, the same rules and logic apply - how do you appear to them? Do they see you as typically grumpy, tired, and sour on life in general, or do they see you as the full of life, positive, and energetic person that attracted them to you in the first place? Has that relationship changed over the years? If so (and it almost certainly has over time), what steps are you taking to regain that positive outlook and mentality that got your love relationship off to a good start in the first place? If your answer to that question is "nothing", you unfortunately are not alone according to current studies, but at the same time, be aware that the particular relationship that we are talking about is not going to get better. In fact, chances are excellent that the relationship will, in all likelihood, continue to deteriorate.

On the other hand, you may be in relationships where you do not want to be. Are you in an abusive relationship? Again, studies indicate that an abusive relationship is much more common than most people think, where some estimates indicate that an abusive relationship exists in an astounding 1 in 8 marital or spousal relationships. Note that the word "abusive" does not necessarily mean physical abuse. If physical abuse is part of your relationship, you are encouraged to report it to your local police since that is not tolerated. But it is up to YOU to report it.

But the vast majority of abusive relationships do not include physical abuse. Rather, it is the emotional and mental abuse, which can be every bit as bad. Maybe that person takes every opportunity to cut you down or belittle you, whether in your home or out in public. Maybe that person has developed some habits that they have taken up for the primary reason that they know for a fact that it bothers you. Or maybe things have gotten to the point where the two of you cannot even calmly discuss something like the weather without the discussion digressing into a shouting match about some totally unrelated topic.

In a marital relationship, both parties share the responsibility equally for the welfare and continued health of that relationship. It cannot be done by only one partner, regardless of how badly that one partner may want a healthy relationship - it is a two way street. The pitfall that many couples fall into is that the responsibility for the health of the relationship is left primarily to one partner, and although that may work in the very short term, such an arrangement is doomed to inevitable failure.

Be aware that ANY relationship you have is a two way street. You and the other person share the responsibility of the health of that relationship, as well as any compromises that either of both of you need to make for the longevity of your relationship. At the end of the day, it all comes down to how important that relationship is to BOTH of you, not either one of you individually.

Jon is a computer engineer who maintains web sites on a variety of topics based on his knowledge and experience. You can read more about Relationships Advice at his web site at Relationship Types.