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Tracey finally called today right about the time I was getting out of bed. It was such a relief to hear her voice again and just talk. Unfortunately, she is still in a really bad place with this depression and that stupid son of a bitch she is trying to get rid of. She told me some things about him that just really pissed me off because of the way he was treating her. The guy is a text book case abuser without a doubt like I’ve probably written many times before in here. I think Tracey is finally realizing that and finally ready to take the next step to break things off for good and get him out of her life. However Trace is still weak from all the emotional abuse so she really needs professional help to carry it through I think. I am trying to get her to get in touch with the domestic abuse people to help her. Her counselor actually set her up in a domestic abuse group too which I think will help.
I wish I could do more to help her through all of this. I mean she really is in such a bad place. If I had my apartment still –I’d let her stay there as long as she needed to avoid the guy but I don’t have it anymore. I wish I had my car so I could stay with her some too because she really needs somebody there with her for a little while given her emotional state. She doesn’t want to go to the hospital and I cannot say I blame her at all –those places are always a zoo and don’t really help at all. I don’t want to see her go through the indignity of that or worse yet being forced to.
When me and Trace hung up this afternoon, the police were back out there and I don’t know why or who called. I just hope they don’t “tdo” her or something because I think that would be counterproductive. She does need some professional help but she needs the dignity of getting that for herself –not by brute force. She’s not in the state I was where I was psychotic so it’s not like she cannot help herself. I’ve been through the system enough to know that brute force shit just leads to defiance and that leads to people not taking care of themselves like they should like Bill was from years of that stuff. In my case it just made me suicidal for months on end ..years on end and I tried quite a few times. Why create a situation like that?
I think Trace will be ok if she just gets some specific help for her depression and the domestic stuff as well as some group therapy and counseling. Think also she needs different medications until they find something that works. I think if she surrounds herself with some good friends and focuses on doing stuff she will come through in the long run. Right now, she’s just so torn down inside and she can’t see the top or anything at all so that’s why she really needs intense emotional support from people other than a just a boyfriend.
I think she equates a boyfriend with filling all her emptiness when in reality doing that comes from focusing on one’s self and doing things one enjoys and that means something. I mean it’s nothing wrong with having a boyfriend but she really needs to have her own life and friends too apart from that. I think all too often she puts all her eggs in one basket emotionally and when it turns out like it is now —she’s a total wreck. I don’t know if I will ever get her to see this and sometimes I don’t know how to convey this to her. Maybe a professional or group of them can. It’s just a matter of taking the first steps and not giving up in her case.
I think Tracey is a basically a good honest caring person with a lot to offer but she just can’t see it right now. I know we’ve had our ups and down and I’ve felt hurt something because of my feelings for her but I still love her and sometimes I just hurt myself thinking too much about shit. I guess I’ve done it through the last few days in here and then some lately but at least I keep that private to myself don’t badger her about it like this guy she dated does. My problem is just my own insecurities and fears that I’ll lose her as my friend if certain things happen. I wish she knew that and knew I never stopped loving her believing her though sometimes I lost sight of the good we have and had at times.
Anyway, I think Tracey needs to see the good in herself because there is a lot more good than bad. I’ve always known that even in our darkest hours between. Trace certainly had made such a big impact on my life and given me so much good even though we’ve had some bad and tense times too. I think she needs to hear some of her good not just from me but from other friends too so she can see what a difference she has made in so many people’s lives in a good way. I think sometimes she focuses too much on a “significant other” rather than on herself and her friends and what good she has beyond a romantic relationship. I think she needs to realize she needs to be healthy herself before she gets involved with someone else that way and she needs to be healthy enough to dump someone like this latest guy for treating her horrible. I hate to say it but she seems like she is drawn to abusive people and she doesn’t let go upon the first red flags and it gets worse and worse like now with this latest guy.
I guess I can’t say anything much though because I am a basket case a lot over Tracey and other things in general in my life. I guess I feel guilty trying to give her hope and faith when sometimes I can’t manage my own damn affairs very well. But then it’s like I just feel so sad seeing her having to go through this kind of shit regardless of my own life and affairs emotionally. I mean if I can’t make it or I crash –at least I don’t want to see her do it too. I’d rather see her have hope and faith at any cost regardless of my own situation.
If my feelings for Trace are causing me hurt like it has at times lately, I’d rather she never know because I don’t want to be adding that to her plate –that’s why I write in this journal a lot rather than talk about that stuff with her –she’s got enough to deal with. Thing is, Trace has so often given me hope and faith and a reason to keep at the madness life can be. Have I gotten really down about things because of my feelings about her –yes –but that’s my thing –not hers to need to deal with. I do not want to be a drag on her life especially now no matter what I feel. I guess that is just the way I love her –she comes first to me for the most part.
Of course, I realize I have to take care of myself too but the point is ..we are not in an abusive relationship so it’s like I don’t question putting her first even if it hurts sometimes. Maybe I am wrong and this is codependent but what else can I say? I am trying to focus more on my own life and things I enjoy and meeting other people but I still feel the same way about her anyway. I can’t just turn her away or walk away completely like some people can. Why should I? She’s not using me like some people have said and I know she would not knowingly or intentionally do that –that’s not her. Whatever is wrong with us –I always know it’s not intentional and thought out and planned –it’s just Trace being herself.
I think a lot of people like to jump on that co-dependency wagon when in reality in my opinion –every relationship has a degree of dependency on one another. All these new fangled social engineers want to act like you can have a utopian relationship and you can’t. It’s always give and take and dependence emotionally between people –the question is –is that healthy or normal or is it abusive and caustic and in the case with me and Tracey I don’t think so. I think we’re just two people trying to find what works for each other and sometimes we end up in emotional fireworks because of it but we always find a way to talk and get past it. That is one reason I do love her so much. Most people, especially girls, I ever had a beef with just wrote me off and it was gone -we never talked it out or had another chance. Trace always gave me that in one way or another. How can I not love her and give as much of myself to her as I can?
I think sometimes me and Trace cannot see eye to eye on our emotions and feelings and sometimes that does hurt as it has a lot lately about this guy of hers. That does not mean I give up on her or want to trash her or kill her or anything though. I know sooner or later we’ll get through whatever it is between us somehow. Does the fact that we cannot go to the next level bother me sometimes –yeah it does but then I see those relationships and I am like maybe that is a good thing. I also think in many ways Tracey does not want to risk losing our friendship over a shot at a relationship even though I’d love her regardless of what happened. I would always be her friend though maybe it might take some time if you did have some nasty break-up. But, I doubt we’d ever have a completely nasty breakup anyway if we did get involved and it failed.
Does it hurt sometimes to be precluded from a relationship with Tracey –yes it does because you always feel that place inside no matter how much you turn it off –it will always prop up from time to time. I think the hurt for me just comes from the fact that I feel like if she gets somebody decent –we’ll lose what we have as friends which is sort of ironic in a way I guess. We kind of did in a way on and off when she was fooling around with this latest guy –not real bad because I wasn’t around a lot for awhile but lately –yeah it got in the way major time. I just don’t want to lose the companionship and love I felt with her and if a person gets close to somebody else you are ultimately going to lose a lot of that just by the nature of things. I think that is my greatest fear –being like it was when she got married and I had to let her go and she was gone forever as it seemed at the time. I mean we sent cards here and there but it wasn’t the same as having a girl to hug and hang out with and just talk to for hours and share stuff.
I think I am going to try to get out more and meet people more so maybe I can get some balance in my life and stop being such a burden to her and being so attached too. I am not giving her up but I feel like she wants me to find someone else to fill that void beyond our friendship. I have no idea if it will ever happen but all I can do is try for her and me too really. I will never stop being her friend but I think I just need to accept we cannot ever go beyond that and having those unrequited feelings there just become a drag on me and her too sometimes when I get mixed up inside. I think that would take some weight off of Tracey and me too if I was successful. It’s just so hard given my less than stellar circumstances these days. Then there is that whole “starting over” thing to deal with as you build a new relationship. I don’t know –I guess that’s why it I wish it could be Trace cause we already have that past us.
I wonder why the hell I just can never seem to meet a woman I like that likes me and whom I can share mutual feelings with. I don’t want a one night stand and I don’t want someone hovering me either or being too clingy but I would like to meet somebody. I think the kind of woman I would like is someone who is independent and who doesn’t “have to have a man” and can take care of herself but would also like some companionship and commit to someone to share that. I think a lot of these damn women today “got to have a man” or they want to cling all over you or they want to be a sex femme or something. I like a woman who has her own life but wants to care a place out for you to share something meaningful but who gives you space and needs her space but who is not going to be sleeping around behind your back and shit. I am not sure it’s possible to find somebody like that. I really am not sure it’s even remotely possible.
It’s so goddamn funny, I did that stupid eHarmony thing last night and it turns out the same way it did years ago when I did it. The thing says “our matching system cannot find you a match” like you are some loser who is so polarized nobody can love you. I was so disappointed and depressed yet I was laughing at it too because it’s so ridiculous –how can you say, there is no way you can find a person that matches you on some level? I mean are all these people on that site icky fucking people. I bet they got tons of people like that guy Tracey got hooked up with –abusive and crazy …but no match for me?
I am done with those online dating sites –they’re such a fucking waste of time. I don’t have money to do the bar circuit either and I don’t really want to do it anyway. I wish there was a way to meet people without all the bullshit. The singles group was ok but I never much found anyone that I was attracted to and who would remotely be attracted to me. I can’t get in gear to do half the shit the group does either and the one thing I did regularly has kind of fizzled out these days.
I just wish I could do something with one of my interests where I could also meet likeminded people with similar interests and not always be doing the bar scene to do it. I mean I don’t mind the bar scene sometimes but I am too old to want to do that shit night after night like I did in college. I’d like something no so alcohol focused. I mean I like to drink some socially but I don’t want be around a bunch of drunks and all that babble drunks do. There is a time and place for that but it should not be a regular thing all the time. People will say and do anything when they’re drunk. It would be nice to do something sober or with very limited drinking where you can be real and not just an extension of alcohol. My brother does that shit when he drinks and I hate it. Do something real, say something you’ll remember tomorrow, play some music if you drink and create something decent at least –not just waste away.
I guess all this sounds funny coming from someone who enjoys drinking a lot beer but in my case I don’t usually get too drunk if at all and I don’t just drink either. I will write like now or I will play some music or listen to some music and I will go to bed most of the time at a reasonable hour. I get up in the morning and work and most of the time I am not hung over or washed out. The days of doing that drinking thing are gone for me for the most part. I did that shit and wasted so much in college. I did it when the mania set in, in 2005 and it wrecked my life —now I try to be much more careful and watchful of myself. I can’t afford to let that shit drive me down the path it did before in 2005. It ain’t worth it.
It’s funny, last night I thought about getting up today and going to the Unitarian church again after like a 3 or four year hiatus. I don’t know, I was a little afraid because of something I wrote and shared years ago with someone there. I am not sure they ever read it and it wasn’t really bad but it was embarrassing and very personal. Needless to say, I am always afraid to go now because of that. But then it’s like I really do need to go back. I did get so much good from that church and it did help so much in giving me a sense of peace. I guess I was frustrated that I couldn’t get more involved and meet more people but it still was good for me none the less. I really do miss it.
Tracey said she wanted to go to the Unitarian church and I’d like to go with her because I think it would do both of us so much good. I don’t know what to do. I hope the person I sent that link to never read it but I don’t know. I guess it’s just embarrassing –my raw emotions and stuff in what I sent a link to. Again, it wasn’t bad but it was just so openly intimate and I always feel like if they were read –I’d look so “crazy” and “weird” and might freak somebody out. That’s the only reason I stopped going. I guess I was frustrated too because I never seemed to make friends or get close to anybody and then there was the stupid cross dressing thing too –I just felt like I didn’t belong even though I probably belong more so than anybody in a way. The belonging thing was a part of it. So many there are so liberal and “green” and all that stuff and here I am this really different person that goes in all directions. I can’t explain it but then like I said —I really miss it. It was the one place I related to as far as church goes even if I didn’t agree or relate to everything.
I really would like to share that experience with Tracey because I think she really would finally find a place –a church that works for her and I think it could give her the same peace it gave me so many times. I think she’d probably relate even more than I do and I just really would like to sort of go with her the first time and introduce her I guess. I guess it would be bonding moment with her if we did because I do love her and it would make me feel so good to be able to introduce her to something that might change her life in a big way for the better like she did when she gave me music.
Going to the church again would also help me go back too and get past all that fear and embarrassment over what happened a few years ago –something that probably never was even read anyway. I guess I should really put some effort in to doing instead of just thinking about it or talking about it. I mean I should just get my car fixed and pick her up or meet her there and just be there so she didn’t feel so alone and neither did I. I mean it’s not like you feel alone really but you do in a way the first time so it’s nice to have a friend with you. I did it all on my own and it was not bad at all –I really like them and I miss that church being a part of my life. I would’ve never survived New Kent if not for that church. It was my little piece of peace in mid-week and on Sundays sometimes when I could make it. I don’t know. A part of me felt so much a part of it but then sometimes in my madness I felt alone and like I didn’t belong but it was not anything anybody did or said –that was just me questioning my own self and faith.
Well I guess I’ll close here. I’ve written far too much as it is for one entry again.
SEE Y!
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