So there is no confusion, and so there is no fooling ourselves, let us get something clear...Abuse can be verbal, physical, spiritual/religious, sexual and emotional.
Also to avoid any other confusion...Let's not try to play any one of them down - no one of them is better than the other.
Abuse is real and out there - mostly behind closed doors, any doors any street. Doctor's, teachers, solicitors, policeman, members of parliament, members of congress, builder, carpenter, caretaker, shop worker etc, etc.
It happens in any social category, any class.
If you are or have been in an abusive relationship then the chances are abuse, in one or many of it's forms was possibly a reality for you during your childhood.
For children - Abusive relationships will greatly effect their trust, will leave them with an inability to
understand and handle their emotions, and they themselves will have difficulty forming healthy relationships based on a distorted, confused view.
In adult life, abuse survivors are at risk of repeating childhood patterns through forming relationships with abusive spouses, or even becoming bullies and abusers themselves. Even though a survivor may consciously want to avoid re-abuse, the individual is often unconsciously attracted to people who remind him or her of the family of origin. Their childhood history distorts and make it hard for them to distinguish between normal behaviors and abnormal ones.
For them - these childhood memories where normal!
HOW IT IS!
I know this may be 'old hat' and been 'flogged to death' to some - but still, in some circumstances, women have been conditioned to believe men have some superiority above women.
Even in these days of equality, I think there can be an inherent need for men to feel that they are 'The Hunter Gatherer's', plus genetically males are stronger than women.
Now however, times have drastically changed and it is not necessarily about physical superiority, but with today's woman, the threat for men is gaining intellectual and emotional superiority. (But for some men, they still hold on to the idea that was historically formed.)
But let's not forget this need to dominate is (though not equally) also apparent in the women population.
No dominating woman is going to set up home with a man that is assertive, confident and an alpha male, and the fact is, that some retiring, passive male will be drawn to such a dominate woman, because he doesn't have the confidence and skills to take care of a woman who is needy, weak and with possible low self esteem.
The question you will be wanting answered is...So why do men/women abuse their partners? Quite simply - because they can! - because they are allowed to!
I remember having conversations about my abuse with other people, and their reactions were - "I wouldn't have put up with that, - "the first time he raised his hand to me I would have been gone."
Well isn't it what we all would reasonably say and expect someone to do under the same circumstances? You haven't got to be a genius to work out that it is wrong and unacceptable, and when we remember abuse is not relevant to a particular social class, you know it's got nothing to do with intelligence, common sense, brains.
I experienced domestic abuse, and it only carried on because I stayed! By staying I gave him permission to abuse me.
There Are Several Reasons Why You Might Stay:
1. You think with love and patience you can help them change.
2. You are always under the illusion that each time they say sorry and they won't do it again, it really will be the last time.
3. You are afraid to be on your own.
4. You have lost so much confidence and self esteem you don't know who you are any more.
5. Fear, of what they might do if you leave.
6. You feel a failure, and you are letting people down.
The Reasons for Leaving.
1. Sometimes love is just not enough. You can still love him/her....that's OK...BUT you can't stay with him/her. Just because we love someone does not mean that we can have a relationship with them.
2. Words are cheap...Saying sorry needs to be backed up by actions, consistent actions! The abuser needs to have some real understanding of why something is wrong, has happened, and why it has hurt someone and making sure nothing like that is ever done again.
3. Some people equate being alone as loneliness. The truth is we don't want to be alone with ourselves, and because of that we will compromise true happiness and be with someone...anyone as long as we are not on our own. We really must understand until we can have a fulfilling, enjoyable relationship with ourselves, we cannot really have a good relationship with someone else.
4. When we say someone has no confidence or self esteem it almost infers they have a disease or something growing inside of them. Confidence and self esteem, is just 'bad' thinking...'Your' bad thinking. As your 'bad thinking was the cause of your feeling crap about yourself, so you can change that to make it positive, good thinking. Start being more observant of your inner critical voice, and change it to a positive voice. Remember it's only a thought, it's not real.
5. Normally what we fear is worse than what will actually come about, because we have been conditioned over time to think fearfully. Fear has been used to 'imprison' and control you. Let that fear propel you to leave, not to propel you to stay. Let your 'will' be greater than your fear. If you genuinely fear for your safety - Phone the police...get that help now!
6. You have only failed if you have not learned from your mistakes. Though it's good to analyze failure to an extent, don't beat yourself up about it. Mistakes are merely opportunities to learn and take ownership of a situation.
People love a survivor not a victim.
There never will be a right time to go. So don't wait till the next time it happens, the next time you feel strong, the next time you have money, the next time you can't take any more, next week, next month etc, etc.
Frankly, what you are waiting for is called a miracle. The definition of a miracle is - 'a supernatural extraordinary caused event - an event different from what would have occurred in the normal natural course of events.'
THE ONLY MIRACLE THAT YOU CAN EXPECT IS THE ONE YOU CREATE FOR YOURSELF - BY LEAVING NOW!
Ann Redgewell's own previous chaotic life's experience has led her to developing a completely free self help web site. This provides the sort of information and tools that she feels would have been invaluable to her when she was coping with depression and anxiety, a survivor of domestic abuse, homelessness, and bringing up two young children on her own. Ann more recently was employed for twenty years as a manager in a variety of different care settings, working with mental health, ex-offenders, homeless, sex offenders, victims of domestic violence and learning disabilities (mental handicap). Her own life's experiences and her expertise in a variety of care settings has given her great insight and knowledge into the workings of the mind and our behaviors. Ann's approach is direct and to the point. It's time to get real to take responsibility. No more excuses no more procrastination.
The first completely FREE!! comprehensive self help site on the net. Take a look: http://www.self-help-guides-to-go.com
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