Abusive Relationship - 3 Deadly Mistakes of Using Compliance and Submission As Survival Tools

As a domestic violence survivor, you know that you use compliance and submission to keep a lid on your partner. And the net result is you keep violence at bay...or so it appears.

While this is a very effective strategy to stay safe in one's home, it has its price. What are your compliance and your submission costing you?

Compliance and submission exercised to keep a lid on one's violent partner yields the following:

1) Keeps you in the dark with respect to who and what you are. If you routinely dismiss factoring in your desires, you ultimately lose sight of what they are. You become accustomed to making decisions without checking in with yourself.

In your abusive relationship, you can expect this to help keep peace. Without anything rocking the boat-like your individual opinions, you anticipate smooth sailing.

But the day will come when you realize that you, yourself, do not know who and what you are. And even more disturbing, you've lost the tools to access your inner knowing, your personal preferences, your individual needs, desires and dreams.

2) Keeps your partner in the dark with respect to who and what you are. If your preferences are consistently shoved to the side, your partner cannot cultivate an authentic appreciation of who you are.

In an abusive relationship, this works fine because abusers only seek to know you as an extension of them. Thus, if you are catering to his/her needs and supporting life from his/her vision and dreams, all is well.

But the day will come when both you and your partner realize that he/she has no clue as to who and what you are. And as a habit, he/she will fail to factor you in as a participating partner in the relationship, which then...

3) Tells you and your partner that your relationship consists of one person. If your desires and preferences are withheld or dismissed, you implicitly agree not to exist in the relationship.

In an abusive relationship, this, too, works fine. In fact, this is a requirement for the abusive relationship to maintain itself. There can only be one "real" person in the relationship in order for it to prevail. The other person is there to support the existence and expression of the dominant, controlling party in the relationship.

Ultimately, over time, it occurs to you that you have no relationship. Because your "relationship us" is really about one person-your abusive partner.

If you are using compliance and submission to keep peace in your home, be mindful of the long-term disturbance that you are inevitably creating for yourself. Seek to break the cycle of domestic abuse, before you lose yourself in your relationship.

For information about abusive relationships, visit http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ebooks.php and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D.