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In the first post we covered the need to go “no contact” or “limited contact” based upon whether the relationship involved marriage, long-term with investments, or an inter-personal relationship free of any such encumbrances. I shall begin with Marriage and long-term with investments.
I will have to cover much of this in generalities as divorce laws and joint investment laws vary from state to state. As an example, “no fault” divorce is simply a means by which to unclog the court system, thereby leaving fault as a non-issue. In other words, if “infidelity” were the issue for divorce, “no fault” states will not litigate “infidelity” and the judge will define and render a decision of ”irreconcilable differences” instead. States that are NOT “no fault” WILL litigate fault( i.e., “infidelity”) for months up to years in the court’s . Many times fault can go on longer than the division of property and investments. What’s worse, if you are dealing with a personality disordered mate, you can count on it getting nasty, especially where it concerns fault. Another reality in the dissolution process, women are still favored by most judges. This of course is due in part to “female nurturing” being seen as integral to proper child-hood development. Now, if the woman is the emotional, verbal, or physical abuser, the concern will be for the best interest of those children. YOUR personal concern, not the judges, unless concrete evidence is presented otherwise. This is a sensitive area of debate and must be backed with solid evidence that her dysfunction could affect the overall well-being of your children. Covertly recording in home interactions (arguments) between you and/or interaction with the children. Emails are substantial, and are excellent forms of evidence widely accepted by the courts. Any arrest records, or legal actions that occurred during the relationship are important. Also any psychological treatments performed with full documentation.
Please do not misinterpret that I’m conveying a gender bias here in any way. What I am implying is the reality that the courts make egregious mistakes over and over by allowing the personality disordered woman to be a custodial parent when sufficient evidence is there and then not properly presented. The man has to prove her dysfunctional condition and that this particular concern deserves consideration by the courts in support of the children’s future welfare. Same for women who are dealing with their male abuser, difference is though, a woman in such position will most likely be supported by the courts more readily. Judges look at issues of child abandonment, drug use, and exposure of sexual activity to the children by the mother. A woman can count on the man getting the children if a judge rules one or more of these issues present. Typically though, it is less complicated for a woman to receive the status of being the custodial parent. In summary, number one here is, the welfare of the children. Number two, these children do not deserve to be exposed to the likes of a personality disordered parent day in and day out. One last point that I personally feel strong about is whomever becomes the custodial parent, DO NOT convey hatred, discontent, or depreciate the x-spouse when communicating with the children. These children have a right to love both their parents. The custodial parent should mentor their children through their hard times with the dysfunctional parent. You are their only true salvation to a normal adult life, so lead by example.
In this day in time, women or men can be the “bread-winners” financially, yet, the courts still favor the women generally speaking. The two common areas of financial that can affect one for a lifetime are “alimony” and “pensions.” A personality disordered mate, despite gender, will milk these for everything it is worth to them. This is their ultimate opportunity for long-term reparation, to push the emotional knife deeper. The best suggestions I can offer here is to research, talk to friends, and acquaintances about who is the best attorney you can find in “Family Law.” Everyone’s circumstances vary within a marriage or long-term relationship, not to mention, laws vary from state to state. So it would behoove the abused to seek good counsel to protect themselves from financial demise. You may pay more up front for a better attorney, hence, preventing a lifetime of financial ruin.
Personal items create some of the most absurd and adversarial situations during divorce proceedings. Many times it takes court orders to retrieve some of the most ridiculous of personal items. For the abused, think long and hard about what is truly important and leave “principles” out of your mind. Don’t allow your X to engage or anger you about insignificant items. When separating, take what you know is rightfully yours, and if there are questions about anything else, attempt to negotiate. If they are not amenable to such negotiation, you have two choices. One, decide if it is something you can replace later and not worry about it. Two, if it has financial or sentimental value, let the court order these items be returned to you. If the courts award these items to your X instead, walk away and be done forever more.
Lastly, we delve into the emotional and post trauma of the dysfunctional relationship. If there were children involved, the abused must resolve to the fact that you will deal with one another until one or the other literally dies. Fact of life, accept it. As I mentioned earlier, the emotionally healthy parent, whether assigned as the custodial parent or not, must maintain emotional discipline and maturity. Practicing such discipline will always be an advantage in a few ways. First and foremost, it allows one to create a new and productive life, to understand the past and not make the same mistakes again, and have a more fulfilling future relationship. As well, if your x-abuser ended up being the custodial parent, I can assure you, their antics will continue. Record every possible public conversation (confer w/attorney on phone recordings), record your children’s conversations when they visit you, no openly, covertly. Emails once again, are solid forms of documentation in court. Always remain calm and mature, allowing your X to shoot themselves in the foot. This could offer an opportunity to get the children out of this dysfunctional environment.
For those of you that had long-term relationships, former engagements, etc., most of what I have written above still applies. Expect some craziness to continue, expect them to take claim to things that aren’t truly theirs, expect them to engage you via phone, emails, text, whatever! Don’t put any act of dysfunction past them, they are capable of most anything that will hurt you. Your present advantage is, you know what to expect, and you can always be a couple of steps ahead the game. Don’t forget too, never believe a damn thing they say!! Lastly, remain “NO CONTACT” and stay emotionally disconnected,..believe me, you are much safer this way.
I will do a Part III specifically on the personal side of emotions post relationship and what not to do when going back into the dating world.
Tags: better choices, BPD, compulsive liars, dysfunctional friendships, dysfunctional relationships, emotional infidelity, inter-personal relationships, life choices, NPD, verbal and emotional abuse
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