Battering and Abusive Relationships - 5 Insights For Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Abuse

When you're not serving up what your abusive partner desires, what happens? The tension grows until he/she smacks you-emotionally, verbally or physically-as though to shake you awake and release the conflict within him/her. Sound familiar?

If you're living in an abusive relationship with your intimate partner, your child, or some other family member or friend, you know these dynamics like the back of your hand.

Also note that having words for them is another thing. Read on to clarify these points of conflict in your abusive relationship so you may better cope with your own personal experience.

1) The assault is not about you. Rather, it is the other person's maneuver to bring about comfort within themselves. In that moment, the battering person is seeking to resolve their own felt loss of control wherein they are not getting what they long to obtain.

2) The battering is truly a means to an end and not the end in itself. You may notice as the battering is delivered, it can be released without any relationship to the context from which the conflict emerged.

3) The batterer shows a marked release of inward tension following the assault. And you are left wondering why the heck this person is having the appearance of well-being... all in the face of your demise.

4)You feel violated and confused. You experience the hurt...the ouch... yet it's complicated. Unlike stubbing your toe, wherein you know the connection between the blow and its impact, this hurt confuses you. You don't know if you're being punished, poorly treated or if something in you contributed to the delivered assault.

5) BOTTOM LINE: Beware not to assume responsibility for the battering. If you do, you are enabling the abuse dynamic. Why? Because it then becomes your "Job" to alter the state of affairs preceding the assault. And we know that state of affairs exists within the batterer.

For more information about healing from and signs of abusive relationships, browse our resources at http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/ebooks.php, and get Free Instant Access to your survivor success eInsights.

Dr Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010, Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Abusive Relationship Healing - 5 Tips For Lifting Depression After Your Abusive Relationship

It is common knowledge that when one is beaten down, they feel beaten down. So it's no wonder that domestic abuse survivors frequently suffer from depression. We see this in individuals living in an abusive relationship, and in those having left their abuser.

What is it that makes it possible for these people to heal their depression? The following actions to avoid, and steps to take, are essential to the resolution of depression for domestic abuse survivors.

1) Stop Negative self-talk

Even though you might be accustomed to hearing how you can't, you won't, you don't, you aren't, there is no need for you to pick up where s/he left off. Doing so only sustains the battering. Only difference is it's from the inside out.

2) Un-shoulder responsibility for battering

Un-shoulder any remnants of your shouldering responsibility for the abuse. Battering is fully owned, operated and controlled by the perpetrator and no one else. Your willingness to shoulder the responsibility for the abuse is part of what keeps the abuse dynamic going. Let it go! It's not yours.

3) Avoid self-deprivation

Self-deprivation may have been the norm in your former kingdom and that's where it must remain. One may be accustom to being consumed by, and preoccupied with, taking care of the needs of the "other" (a demanding perpetrator), rather than recognizing and caring for oneself. This keeps you in the "I am abused position." Instead, it is time to know, honor and nourish yourself in every way, shape and form that is physically possible for you.

4) Cultivate Self-compassion

When the blow hurts and the pain aches, embrace it. Running from it prevents it from resolving itself. Exercise self-compassion. Be with yourself just as you would be with a small child who is wounded in a playground.

5) Find and rekindle that which you love...that comes from within

"That comes from within" is the key to this one. Now this may be the hard one because so much time has been spent on not recognizing anything is within. It is of utmost importance that you find that which you love...that comes from within, and make this your primary focus. As you focus on it, it will expand. You know what you focus on expands. That which we bring energy to brings more of it onto us.

Bonus Tip: Focus on what you have; not what you don't have. You've been inundated with the message that you aren't enough...you're amiss in this, that and the other. Over time you develop the habit of seeing yourself as the half-empty cup. Shift your perspective and see yourself as the half-full cup. With this your cup will fill with more of what is right with you.

If you do all of these things, your depression will lift.

And under that you will discover the goodness that you are, the happiness you can be and your love of life again. For more domestic violence healing insights, claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people identify, end and heal abusive relationships.

© 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D. PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

Trapped in a Toxic Relationship? - 4 Signs it Might Be Time to Let Go

Relationships require effort, commitment, and love to be successful. With two emotionally balanced individuals who are motivated, a happy, fulfilling relationship is well within reach. However, there are instances where the relationship has an unbalanced and damaging dynamic in place that causes harm to one or both partners. It might feel as if no amount of effort improves things. Certain actions and behaviors on the part of one or both partners can render a relationship a destructive and damaging thing. Here are 4 signs it might be time to let go of the relationship:

1. Abuse. Any kind of abuse is damaging, whether it be physical or emotional. Physical abuse, of course, is extremely dangerous, and if you are in this situation please contact a domestic violence shelter and get professional help to determine the best plan of action for you. If you are being emotionally abused, be aware that the scars may not be visible, the psychological damage is significant. Being constantly told you are inferior, incompetent, or crazy lowers self esteem and can even lead to depression.

2. Infidelity on a serial or ongoing basis. An affair can end up resulting in a stronger marriage if both partners recommit, and much better communication and accountability is put into place. But repeated and serial infidelity takes on almost a compulsive nature and is a different scenario. There is no foundation for a relationship without trust, and you may actually be risking your physical health staying in a non-monogamous relationship.

3. Personality disorders are present. This "hard wiring" of the personality can cause may problems in a relationship. Disorders such as narcissism and sociopathy/psychopathy leave the individual unable to sustain emotional depth and connection with another, prevents lasting change, and contributes to harmful and destructive behaviors.

4. Addiction is present and your partner is unwilling to accept or seek any help for the problem. An addict who is actively using is going to be most preoccupied with getting the next fix and will not be able to prioritize the relationship. The consequences of the addict's behavior may negatively impact you as well, in legal of financial matters (DUI's, accidents, etc). it may be very tempting for you to lose yourself in the relationship, and constantly be on crisis management duty.

Are you interested in addressing your life challenges from a holistic standpoint, assessing the physical, emotional, and relationship components?

For a free copy of my ebook, "Natural Methods To Fight Depression", click here: http://www.stoptoxicrelationships.com/gifts-naturalmethodstofightdepression.html

Shannon Cook is a personal coach and resource guide who has written a number of informative articles and ebooks on the topic of toxic relationships and holistic personal growth, including physical, emotional and relationship health.

How to Stop Abuse From Your Partner

Are there reliable tricks to find if the whole rock on which your relationship was built is unstable and may cause a sudden crumble? It is not easy to tell that. Most of the times anyway, people realize the underlying faults only when the relationship has already taken a hit. Abuse is rampant and physical torture is a red flag.

The first time somebody is abused in a relationship, it is common to find that being forgiven, even without the issue of abuse being addressed. Many times there will be other side shows that lead to a compromise. However, it is recommended that you flee early.

When you are in a toxic relationship and still feel that you want to continue in it, you should think about all the possibilities. You need to know what you are getting into. A one sided relationship is not healthy at all. In many cases, one is just braving it all so that they enjoy some benefit.

Choosing to remain in an abusive relationship is a warrant to destruction. No sane person can be okay staying in a self serving relationship like that. It is a display of weakness instead of strength.

If you can master the strength to walk out of a partnership of this degree, you are oozing with hunger to redeem yourself. It is showing that it is high time you got out of one sided ones that do not bear much fruit. No human being deserves to be treated like that by someone they love.

At this level, you cannot still be trying to reason with an abusive partner. They have had three strikes. Everything else you have to say is just about nothing to a person like that.

Do not suck up to his friends. You can cut those ties and not feel anything. This shows complete washing of hands.

For those who you felt were really genuine people, you can just explain to them that it is nothing they did wrong to deserve that. Let them know that you are only concerned about safety.

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What's an Unhealthy Relationship? Part 1

While many people desire a meaningful romantic relationship in their lives, not all such relationships are created equal. A healthy relationship is mutually loving, respectful, and fulfilling for both partners. When both partners are emotionally well balanced and committed to each other, with good communication a happy relationship can be achieved. However, sometimes individuals bring personal issues into the relationship that can prove destructive to the other partner and the relationship. When damaging behaviors in a relationship interfere with the emotional, spiritual, or physical well being of either partner, the relationship becomes unhealthy and toxic.

Most people recognize that physical abuse, rampant drug or alcohol abuse, or affairs can cause significant damage and harm the traumatized partner in such a relationship. However, there are more subtle forms of emotional abuse (which can escalate to physical abuse). If you are feeling inferior, incapable, worthless, or crazy with your partner, this merits a closer examination into the true relationship dynamic. Sometimes emotional abuse is characterized by name calling, but it can also occur with repeated "suggestions" about how to do all manner of regular daily tasks "right."

One common aspect of emotional abuse is that it is designed to control the other party. You might be discouraged or prohibited from seeing certain people, dissuaded from pursuing new job or employment opportunities, coerced into sex (or denied affection), or "required" to give an account of your daily activities. In all cases, your partner is motivated by a desire to control your behavior and keep you dependent in the relationship.

By the way, what is holding you back from making the best choices to achieve the life you deserve?

For a free copy of my ebook, "Strategies For Escaping Emotional Abuse", click here: http://www.stoptoxicrelationships.com/gifts-strategiesforescapingemotionalabuse.html

Shannon Cook is a personal coach and resource guide who has written a number of informative articles and ebooks on the topic of toxic relationships and "difficult" divorces, including the physical, emotional, practical and relationship components.

Male Privilege and the Excuse for Battering in Intimate Relationships

People speak of male privilege as though it is the cause and curse of abusive relationships. It is the underlying social cultural justification for his entitlement...his "one up man-ship"...and the actions that support his getting his way, including his battering behavior.

I think it is just one of the ways abusers control the female intimate partners they abuse. It is a means to leverage power and control in an intimate relationship.

For example, when a batterer justifies his making unilateral decisions that affect both parties in the relationship because of his "male privilege," he is merely using this control tactic as means to an end. It is one of his ways of establishing and maintaining an unequal distribution of power and control within the relationship.

Male Privilege and Domestic Violence

If you are in an abusive relationship, you are most likely aware of this common strategy employed to keep you "in your place." However, are you aware that your embracing the cultural bias of male privilege is your part in your owning that submissive status?

It is also possible that you can recognize socialized "male privilege" and not let it tip the power and control scale in your intimate relationship. Here how...

Shattering the Expectation of Gender Biased Control

Let's say that you, too, are of the social persuasion that men are elevated relative to women. You can recognize this bias within yourself and not let it become your justification for your victimization?

As you cultivate the ability to do this, you set in motion a relationship expectation that gender does not support and sustain the distribution of power and control within your relationship.

For more information about ending abuse against women, browse our resources at http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ebooks.php, and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

How Abusive Action Can Destroy Relationship

Abusive relationship is the most destructive form of a relationship. It is not even a relationship, it is just wrong actions and behavior repeatedly done to a person or to a group of people. The action can be done in physical or in verbal and they are both deadly.

Usually a person uses physical abuse as the way to make them feel in control over their partner. They thought by power they can win their control and respect from their partner but eventually it just bring disrespect and hatred from their partner. They use pain as their weapon to win against their partner.

Verbal abusive means using harsh and negative words to another person. Yelling, shouting and sometimes bullying is the most common practice of verbal abusive. They mock the person and keep on taunting them with threats, taunts and so on. They sometimes can hurt people worse than physical abuse because they hurt the person feeling and it can distract their confidence and disturb their self-esteem.

Dealing with that kind of person need extra patience and understanding. You have to prepare your self well if you face these type of people. You have to address the problem right because it is not the person that you do not like but it is their behavior that you do not like. You care about him or her and that is why you want them to change because you know that they need to change if they want to be a better person.

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