Abusive Relationship Help - Healing the Two Sides of Boundary Issues in Abusive Relationships

People say that domestic violence victims have serious boundaries issues...which they do. And so do the perpetrators that they live with. It comes with the territory of being in an abusive relationship.

You might think of it as two people having a tolerance for the actions of the other. Or, it can be seen as operant conditioning in play wherein one person conditions the other to surrender their boundaries for safety in the relationship. Abusive relationship help typically recognizes these boundary issues.

Abuser's Lack of Boundaries

From his point of view, "If you are in relation to him, he has the right to all that is you." For example, when he asks you a question, he expects you to deliver an answer-no matter what.

From his perspective, she merely appears as an extension of him. She does not come to the relationship with boundaries. To the contrary, should she interact with him as though she does have personal boundaries, then there are consequences.

These so-called consequences may be a continued tug-of-war, an attack on another front or some subtle punishment simply for her attempt to be herself. For when she is herself, he experiences it as his being slighted-the nerve of her not to deliver what he wants or expects.

Victim's Lack of Boundaries

Now whether she came to the relationship with porous boundaries or developed them in the context of the abusive relationship is debatable. Some people will tell you she lost her boundaries to stay "alive" amidst domestic abuse.

Other people will say that she wouldn't have gravitated to nor remained with an abusive partner if she had boundaries in the first place. The implication, of course, is that her lack of boundaries is what led to her staying in an abusive relationship. I think both are true.

Healing Boundaries Issues for the Abuser and for the Abused

A cornerstone of abusive relationship help involving effective domestic abuse counseling is teaching both people how to access, exercise and honor personal boundaries for themselves and for each other. This requires a relearning of interaction skills. And the good news is that it can indeed be done.

Both batterers and victims recognize that they are not responsible for the faulty learning that resulted in their boundary issues; rather, they are responsible to acknowledge and counteract their boundary issues. Their respective jobs are self-discovery, responsible interactive assertion and the ongoing honoring of one another, while honoring oneself.

If you are in an abusive relationship, which fails to honor and respect your personal boundaries, initiate a domestic violence intervention to ultimately break this dysfunctional dynamic before it spirals out of control.

For more information on healing and abusive relationship help, visit www.domesticabusetreatment.com and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Abusive Relationships - It's Not About Staying Or Going

Relationships are sustained by the environment in which they survive. An abusive relationship is not only sustained by the environment in which it survives, it in turn sustains that environment for its own ends. This sustaining of the environment is what makes an abusive relationship almost a monster of its own - it has a tightly focused agenda that is geared towards fulfilling its own need to be unhealthy and destructive.

If your relationship is full of despair, frustration, unhappiness and resentment, these characteristics may have been cultivated by the relationship itself but what makes an abusive relationship extremely unhealthy is that it feeds off of these same qualities and nothing else. The relationship now therefore has no other purpose but to keep on creating the despair, the frustration, the unhappiness and the resentment. That is the real nature of an abusive relationship.

If you are in an abusive relationship, for the above reasons, apart from the other dangers involved, you need to quickly change the course of that relationship as its very nature is so corruptive that it cannot help but be destructive to everyone involved.

The only way to fix an abusive relationship is not to try and fix it but to discard it. Understand what is being said here. It is not being suggested that the interaction between you and your spouse not be repaired. What is definitely being suggested is that if you are to continue with that interaction, the current relationship that has turned abusive for whatever reason does not have within it the capacity through which that interaction can take place in a healthy manner.

Abuse in whatever form should be taken seriously and how one proceed beyond this unfortunate situation is clearly a matter of choice based on personal values and other situations. This article does not pretend to give any advice on what choices should be made or are most appropriate. However, whatever the decision it is very important that the one critical thing that must be understood is that a relationship that has turned abusive loses its own integrity and is essentially broken by its own character - disrespect, disregard, a lack of love, and most likely selfishness.

Interpersonal relationships, particularly of the romantic kind, are extremely valuable to our growth. But while even discord can contribute to that growth, the type of growth that we look for in a relationship is one that is the result of harmony. There can hardly be any of this in an abusive relationship and for that reason, apart from the other obvious damages done to each party involved, a relationship of this nature is best discarded.

The issue in an abusive relationship is hardly whether to stay or go. The issue is to agree that the relationship has to be discarded. Going is only one way of discarding it. Even if both parties continue the interaction, that particular relationship has to go.

About The Author

Words are such an important part of our lives - we say them, we feel them, we try to live them, they motivate, they generate hurt at times, they provide joy. But most importantly, they help to make life such a blast. At http://yorlig.com/wordpower G.W. Smikle uses the written word to explore many facets of life which are so important to all of us - relationships, spirituality, our motivations and our blind sides. Visit him as he expands on some of the principles outlined in his book A Gift For You

Get Out of That Abusive Relationship!

Many relationships should not exist at all; I am talking about the ones where abuse happens. Does hearing about others that are in such situations cause you to look at your own life and worry? Have you ever been in a relationship in which your partner abused you in some way? Unfortunately some people are living in situations where abuse is part of their life. In most cases it is the woman that is abused but not always.

So how do people end up living under such circumstances; why do they stay in those relationships?

I doubt that anyone would deliberately seek out such a relationship. The fact is that the abuse is a process and becoming a victim goes along with the territory. When the line is crossed and one partner or the other is abused, the relationship should end.

Violence does not include respect. And respect is part of the foundation of a good relationship. But ending such a partnership is not always easy. It may be that the abusive partner is so violent that the victim is afraid to end the relationship for fear of something worse happening.

Some victims believe that an initial act of violence or abuse should be tolerated and reason that it will not happen again. And some victims believe that if they would not make mistakes they would not be abused.

But statistics show that in almost every case, the initial act of abuse is simply the beginning. The violence usually develops in stages and worsens over time. The abuse gets worse and happens more frequently.

Sadly, the victims live in their personal nightmare day after day. Friends and relatives are helpless in saving their loved one from the abuse, that is, until the victim decides that she (or he) has had enough.

So why are some people abusive to those they love? Some abusers have addictions to drugs and/or alcohol. Many are from dysfunctional families themselves. This does not excuse their behavior but it allows us to understand why and how it began.

However, abuse is never justified. If you see signs of violence or abusive behavior in your partner the issue should be addressed immediately. Eliminate such people from your life if they are not willing to get the help they need.

Perhaps you see yourself in this article. If you do I hope it is in the past tense. If you are currently in an abusive relationship please seek help now.

Whether you are being abused or you are the abuser, help is needed. Eradicate all negativity possible from your life and move forward in a positive way with positive-minded people. You will be happier and healthier.

Build a strong and healthy relationship from the start! Begin with friendship, patience, trust, respect, and understanding. The strength and commitment of the partnership will build over time. Learn more about creating a great relationship step-by-step and get a FREE report about relationships at: http://magicalmakeups.blogspot.com/

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Debbie Allen is a relationship advisor, a writer, and an Internet marketer.

Relationship Abuse - Change Or Suffer Abuse? You Make the Choice!

You can never find any one relationship advice that fits all. It can be a challenge for anyone who is trying to have a successful relationship. It is especially true for women. However, it does not mean that as a woman, you will have difficulty finding and keeping a great and successful relationship.

A woman tends to make the following mistakes:


We keep our relationship for the wrong reasons
We worry too much about our partner or spouse
We look for the wrong things in our relationship
Every woman I know wants to be respected, desired, liked and loved by their spouse or partner. However there are many women out there who make the mistake that for a relationship to have any worth, it has to be a romantic affair. If you think that way, it is time to stop!

Do you know that you can put off "desperate vibes" in your relationship unknowingly? This is true especially if you are an insecure and lonely person and is desperate for the love of a man. You will attract insecure men. Men who want to control the women in his life so that he can feel important. This will cause you to have a co-dependent relationship that is twisted and will not satisfy either one of you.

It is important for you to have a hard and honest look at yourself before you go out and look for a serious relationship. Do not get me wrong. I am not saying that you are not good enough to have a bond with a man. Chances are you will "think" you are not good enough. You will be attracting the wrong type of guys unless you realize your own worth. These men are most likely to subject you to some level of verbal or emotional abuse over a prolong period of time. There will be very little chance of you getting the love you most deserve.

Accept the fact that a decent and secure man will never be attracted to an insecure and desperate woman no matter how gorgeous she looks. Hence, you will most likely be attracted to a man that abuses women.

It does not necessarily have to be a physical abuse. Hurtful comments and snide remarks about your weight, your lovemaking, your looks, your cooking will be common.... those are also forms of abuse.

Do you know that suffering from prolong abuse will make you have a lower self esteem? The cycle will continue even after you break up with your current spouse or partner and "find" new love. Chances are your situation will worsen because by then as your self esteem will be so much lower than before!

You must nip such problems in the bud. Take time to understand who you are and what you want out of your life and your relationship. You must at least have three basic characteristics. You must be a capable, strong willed and confident person. Do not hesitate to get help if you know you need it.

If you want to have a fulfilling life and a loving relationship you must make sure you are the type of woman who "demands" it. You do not need to be a shrew. You just need to be the type of woman who will attract men that can make you truly happy.

I hope you take the above relationship advices to heart. To some women, it might not be what they want to hear. I saw it happen to a close friend. She had been in and out of lousy relationships with men who were insecure and believed that knocking women around makes them superior. I do not care about such guys. I care about you. As a woman, if you make the choice to change, you can do so much better for your life and your relationship.

What's The Big Secret To a Happy, Fulfilling and Long Lasting Marriage or Relationship? Click on Relationship Mastery for the answer.

Check out my compilation of recommended reading on Love and Marriage Tips. Keep The Love Real! My name is Nora Jeanne Hirsu and I have been a lifelong lover of women and relationship issues. I believe that relationships, be it marriage or dating is one of the most beautiful and soothing experience a person can have in their lives. It is my goal that everyone who wants to experience the magic of a beautiful relationship and marriage can do so.

Relationships - Abusive Relationships Can Not Be Repaired

Many women live in a relationship that is physically abusive. The question is why? Are they not realizing that the relationship is abusive? Do they get any positive result from that relationship? Do they fear hurting their partner by leaving? Why don't they retaliate or walk out? How do they come in this situation of getting abused? When it began, why did they not realize? One can ask many questions about abusive relationships without getting an answer. Let us discuss this.

Let us look at a relationship. It began well. After some months, abuse began. It was very small and at long intervals. The woman thought that abuse was not inherent in the nature of her partner and that with time it would stop. But with time it increased. Now she is getting accustomed to abuse and many times does not realize that she is being abused.

When she starts thinking about it, she begins feeling bad. How could she go through this? She may begin hating herself for that. How does she talk about it to others? What will they say? They will also ask the question - why did you bear this for so long. So what should she do? This self-beating continues with abuse. The abuser knows that he has hold over his woman and she will not protest. He continues.

One day, the woman comes to terms with her situation and can no longer bear the pain of hiding the abuse. She can no longer tolerate the abuse and the hurt to her self-esteem. At that point, she walks out. This was an example. The story may proceed in many different ways. If you know anybody about whom you doubt that she is undergoing abuse, talk to her and get her counseling to get out of the relationship.

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Bad Relationship - Beat the Abuser - How & Why to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship

So there is no confusion, and so there is no fooling ourselves, let us get something clear...Abuse can be verbal, physical, spiritual/religious, sexual and emotional.

Also to avoid any other confusion...Let's not try to play any one of them down - no one of them is better than the other.

Abuse is real and out there - mostly behind closed doors, any doors any street. Doctor's, teachers, solicitors, policeman, members of parliament, members of congress, builder, carpenter, caretaker, shop worker etc, etc.

It happens in any social category, any class.

If you are or have been in an abusive relationship then the chances are abuse, in one or many of it's forms was possibly a reality for you during your childhood.

For children - Abusive relationships will greatly effect their trust, will leave them with an inability to

understand and handle their emotions, and they themselves will have difficulty forming healthy relationships based on a distorted, confused view.

In adult life, abuse survivors are at risk of repeating childhood patterns through forming relationships with abusive spouses, or even becoming bullies and abusers themselves. Even though a survivor may consciously want to avoid re-abuse, the individual is often unconsciously attracted to people who remind him or her of the family of origin. Their childhood history distorts and make it hard for them to distinguish between normal behaviors and abnormal ones.

For them - these childhood memories where normal!

HOW IT IS!

I know this may be 'old hat' and been 'flogged to death' to some - but still, in some circumstances, women have been conditioned to believe men have some superiority above women.

Even in these days of equality, I think there can be an inherent need for men to feel that they are 'The Hunter Gatherer's', plus genetically males are stronger than women.

Now however, times have drastically changed and it is not necessarily about physical superiority, but with today's woman, the threat for men is gaining intellectual and emotional superiority. (But for some men, they still hold on to the idea that was historically formed.)

But let's not forget this need to dominate is (though not equally) also apparent in the women population.

No dominating woman is going to set up home with a man that is assertive, confident and an alpha male, and the fact is, that some retiring, passive male will be drawn to such a dominate woman, because he doesn't have the confidence and skills to take care of a woman who is needy, weak and with possible low self esteem.

The question you will be wanting answered is...So why do men/women abuse their partners? Quite simply - because they can! - because they are allowed to!

I remember having conversations about my abuse with other people, and their reactions were - "I wouldn't have put up with that, - "the first time he raised his hand to me I would have been gone."

Well isn't it what we all would reasonably say and expect someone to do under the same circumstances? You haven't got to be a genius to work out that it is wrong and unacceptable, and when we remember abuse is not relevant to a particular social class, you know it's got nothing to do with intelligence, common sense, brains.

I experienced domestic abuse, and it only carried on because I stayed! By staying I gave him permission to abuse me.

There Are Several Reasons Why You Might Stay:

1. You think with love and patience you can help them change.

2. You are always under the illusion that each time they say sorry and they won't do it again, it really will be the last time.

3. You are afraid to be on your own.

4. You have lost so much confidence and self esteem you don't know who you are any more.

5. Fear, of what they might do if you leave.

6. You feel a failure, and you are letting people down.

The Reasons for Leaving.

1. Sometimes love is just not enough. You can still love him/her....that's OK...BUT you can't stay with him/her. Just because we love someone does not mean that we can have a relationship with them.

2. Words are cheap...Saying sorry needs to be backed up by actions, consistent actions! The abuser needs to have some real understanding of why something is wrong, has happened, and why it has hurt someone and making sure nothing like that is ever done again.

3. Some people equate being alone as loneliness. The truth is we don't want to be alone with ourselves, and because of that we will compromise true happiness and be with someone...anyone as long as we are not on our own. We really must understand until we can have a fulfilling, enjoyable relationship with ourselves, we cannot really have a good relationship with someone else.

4. When we say someone has no confidence or self esteem it almost infers they have a disease or something growing inside of them. Confidence and self esteem, is just 'bad' thinking...'Your' bad thinking. As your 'bad thinking was the cause of your feeling crap about yourself, so you can change that to make it positive, good thinking. Start being more observant of your inner critical voice, and change it to a positive voice. Remember it's only a thought, it's not real.

5. Normally what we fear is worse than what will actually come about, because we have been conditioned over time to think fearfully. Fear has been used to 'imprison' and control you. Let that fear propel you to leave, not to propel you to stay. Let your 'will' be greater than your fear. If you genuinely fear for your safety - Phone the police...get that help now!

6. You have only failed if you have not learned from your mistakes. Though it's good to analyze failure to an extent, don't beat yourself up about it. Mistakes are merely opportunities to learn and take ownership of a situation.

People love a survivor not a victim.

There never will be a right time to go. So don't wait till the next time it happens, the next time you feel strong, the next time you have money, the next time you can't take any more, next week, next month etc, etc.

Frankly, what you are waiting for is called a miracle. The definition of a miracle is - 'a supernatural extraordinary caused event - an event different from what would have occurred in the normal natural course of events.'

THE ONLY MIRACLE THAT YOU CAN EXPECT IS THE ONE YOU CREATE FOR YOURSELF - BY LEAVING NOW!

Ann Redgewell's own previous chaotic life's experience has led her to developing a completely free self help web site. This provides the sort of information and tools that she feels would have been invaluable to her when she was coping with depression and anxiety, a survivor of domestic abuse, homelessness, and bringing up two young children on her own. Ann more recently was employed for twenty years as a manager in a variety of different care settings, working with mental health, ex-offenders, homeless, sex offenders, victims of domestic violence and learning disabilities (mental handicap). Her own life's experiences and her expertise in a variety of care settings has given her great insight and knowledge into the workings of the mind and our behaviors. Ann's approach is direct and to the point. It's time to get real to take responsibility. No more excuses no more procrastination.

The first completely FREE!! comprehensive self help site on the net. Take a look: http://www.self-help-guides-to-go.com

Abusive Relationships - What is the Difference Between Being Abusive and Being an Abuser?

What is the difference between "being abusive" and "being an abuser?" I hear this question by people trying to determine if they are entangled in intimate partner violence, even when they don't know this term. What they want to know is: Am I in a dangerously abusive relationship?

I think being abusive is a rather general way of describing behavior that violates you as a person; your rights, your space, your choices, yourself. It can come out of frustration, stress, lowered inhibitions, insecurity, fear, vulnerability, or any combination of the above.

What is an Abuser?

Being an abuser on the other hand, in the classical sense, refers to a person that fulfills a specific criteria. And when engaged in an intimate relationship with this person, a specific criteria of defining characteristics exist which are intimate partner violence.

The criteria for intimate partner violence as it's defined by the literate consists of: possessiveness, controlling behavior, lack of empathy, externalization of blame, isolation of victimized partner, and the use of battering to create and maintain a relationship of unequal power.

How to Know if Intimate Partner Violence Is, or Is Not, in Your Relationship

Many people know this cluster of symptoms, but fail to recognize how they actually manifest in their lives. I have found in working with people over the years that when I bring attention to the subtle relationship interaction patterns in their daily lives, the light goes off for them in a way far more compelling than their simply trying to match the primary characteristics defining intimate partner violence to their relationship.

Further and equally valuable is the fact that people can discover if their relationship fulfills the criteria for intimate partner violence and if it does not. Often people will say they are dealing with an abuser, when the fact is their partner is abusive at times but doesn't actually fulfill the criteria for an intimate partner abuser.

The Value of Knowing Your Truth about Intimate Partner Abuse

Knowing this distinction can set you on a more productive road to remedying your relationship conflict. Without this understanding, you could be pursuing interventions inappropriate to your circumstances and even worse potentially hazardous to your safety.

If you are asking the question, "Am I in a dangerously abusive relationship?" then you deserve to have the answer...if not for yourself for the children that may be a twinkle in your eye today.

For more information about the dynamics of abusive relationships, visit http://www.IsThisAbuse.com. If you want a personal assessment of an abusive relationship, see the Intimate Partner Abuse Screen at http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. ?2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.