Relationship Problems - Is Your Relationship Abusive?

Have you had your share of rocky road relationships? Do you feel you are on the short end of the stick as far as your current relationship is concerned? Do you suspect you have you become a victim? If so, then listen up and take notice! It's sad to say in this day and age chances are very high that either someone you know and love - or you yourself - are in or have been in an abusive relationship.

There are many types of abusive relationships and the numbers are growing at a rapid pace. You should know that both emotional and physical abuse can be destructive and the scars make take years to heal. The problem with abuse is that most relationships don't begin in an abusive nature. Many times, things start off just fine and there are subtle shifts along the way. It is a sort of silent reprogramming until the abuser feels confident that they can control the relationship. The victim often doesn't see it coming.

In most cases, by the time the abuse becomes recognizable, the victim has been so brainwashed that she or he (men can also be victims of abusive relationships) doesn't recognize the actions as abuse and actually takes the blame for his or her predicament.

Once an emotional attachment has occurred, the victims often can't be convinced that they're experiencing abuse. They are so busy justifying the behavior of the abuser; they don't see the relationship for what it is.

In many cases, the embarrassment along with quite a bit of denial makes it hard to admit they have allowed this to happen. But if you recognize some of the following patterns in your own relationship, it's quite possible that you are in fact, a victim of abuse.

Abusive relationships are often marked by several disturbing behaviors:

· Extreme Jealousy

· Verbal put downs and abuse

· Punishing or withholding from you emotionally

· Exposure to frequent rages

· Blames you for almost everything that goes wrong

· Rough or abusive sex

· Cheating or infidelity

· Numerous Lies (some are outrageous in nature)

· Controlling Behavior

· Physical violence (beatings)

· Public and Private Humiliation

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From Bj Moorer and http://www.RelationshipAdviceHeadquarters.com

Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" -Eleanor Roosevelt

There are many levels of abuse. When people think of abusive relationships they often associate them with some kind of physical abuse. Although physical abuse is one of the worst forms of an abusive relationship, abuse does not have to by physical, it comes in many disguises.

The different types of abusive relationships range from emotional, verbal, mental, sexual and physical or any combination of these. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship and you are trying to figure a way to get out, you need to proceed very carefully.

Some of the warning signs are:

* They blame you for everything, especially their anger or jealousy

* They are violent or they threaten you

* They control where you go, who you see and when

* They isolate you from all or most activities and friends

* They have bouts of uncontrollable emotional outbreaks

* They demean you, humiliate you, insult you, or embarrass you

* They make you feel insignificant and scared

* They force you to do things sexually

* They make you feel terrible about yourself

* You cause all the problems and they cause none of them

* And on and on

If you recognize any of these signs in your relationship you will do one of two things. You will either make excuses or rationalize these behaviors or, you will gather your wits about yourself and do whatever it takes to protect yourself and get out.

Many victims of abuse are already dealing with low self-esteem and the abuser preys on this weakness to further belittle the victim so they won't have the courage or strength to go anywhere.

It's vital that you acknowledge that you are being abused before you can take the necessary steps to help yourself. If you are trying to convince yourself that "it doesn't happen that often" or "he really didn't mean it," you are in for a rude awakening not to mention a lifetime of heartache and pain.

Just because the abuse may be cyclical doesn't mean that you aren't being abused and most times it will only escalate in the future to something you may not be able to handle.

A critical factor in protecting yourself is: the sooner you leave an abuser the better off you will be, because the longer you hang in there the more difficult and more dangerous the situation can become.

If you are wondering if you are in an abusive relationship all of the signs are there staring you in the face, all you have to do is open your eyes and begin to tell yourself the truth.

If you choose to ignore the reality of the situation you are in be prepared to pay the consequences of living a life of misery. You will be a prisoner in this relationship.

It pains me to even touch upon this next segment but, if you are in an abusive relationship and you are exposing children to this kind of a life, you too are an abuser!

It is your responsibility to protect and nurture your children. By exposing them to this kind of upbringing is not only detrimental to their well being, it totally skews their perception of how to have a healthy, loving relationship.

As they grow up you will be teaching them exactly how to be an abuser or how to be abused!

So, even if you are in the mental trap of believing you deserve this kind of behavior; your children certainly don't!

Begin today and decide whether you are going to remain a victim in an abusive relationship or take the steps to free yourself to live the kind of life you really desire.

You have the power within you to do the thing you think you can't.

Side note: If you are in a precarious situation and need to secretly devise a plan to leave. Call a Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Are you in an abusive relationship? Susan Russo has written one of the top breakup/divorce books on the market. Her direct approach is a wake up call for anyone who feels paralyzed in finding a way out. How would you like to move beyond the pain and start to feel like a human again? Find out how to by starting with Susan's FREE mini report on how to heal your pain.

Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

A newfound love is always exhilarating. This exhilaration always causes one to be blinded to the very obvious indicators and should be flashing red lights, warning a person of a potentially catastrophic relationship. Often, if the abuse has been inflicted during dating, it is always possible to continue well after the marriage and escalate over time. Any couple in a relationship cannot change each other's behaviour. One can only change oneself, so, staying in a relationship out of fear, or hoping that the other person will eventually change is not necessary. Abusers usually show signs of similar behavioural patterns. Being able to spot these patterns and signals can help a person from entering any abusive relationship before it even begins.

Identifying an abuser can be easy if one is familiar with the clues. A common behaviour seen in this relationship is jealousy. An abusive person will often refer to jealousy as a sign of love, especially at the early stages of the relationship. Unfortunately, jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is simply an indication of possessiveness and lack of trust. The jealous partner is often inquisitive about who his/her partner talks to, accuses him/her of flirting and is jealous even of one's family and friends. Strange behaviours like checking your car's mileage or asking friends to watch you are also common.

A controlling behaviour is also prominent-the abuser will assert that this is because of his/her concern for your safety, or simply wants to guide you to use time wisely. There will be bursts of anger if one is late coming back from an appointment, and will question the partner closely about his/her whereabouts. Often, the abuser will prevent the other person from making personal decisions, even those regarding one's clothing, hairstyle and appearance as this behaviour gets worse. A whirlwind romance may seem romantic, although it doesn't always end that way. A lot of people involved in an abusive relationship dated or knew their abusive partners for less than six months or so before they got married, engaged or moved in together.

One is always pressured to commit to the relationship in a way that makes the other person feel guilty because of the slowing down of involvement or breakup in the relationship. Unrealistic expectations from his/her partner are a common characteristic of an abusive partner. They want their significant other to be able to meet their every need. There is always a demand for the other person to be perfect in just about everything and take care of all his/her emotional needs. This person is likewise constantly unemployed, and somebody is always out to get him/her. An abuser will may make mistakes, and will surely blame you for upsetting him/her.

As a matter of fact, you will be at fault for almost every single thing that goes wrong in an abusive relationship. Saying things that are cruel and hurtful is almost second nature to an abuser. He/she will degrade, curse, or subject you to name-calling and will even make fun of your accomplishments. This person may even wake you up in the middle of the night to verbally abuse you or will not allow you to sleep until you talk out an argument. To make matters worse, there will be threats of violence meant to control a partner. And, it won't be surprising at all if he/she displays breaking or striking objects.

Often, the abuser also has a history of being physically abusive to a past bf/gf or husband/wife.

The author of this article Ruth Purple is a Relationship Coach who has been successfully coaching and guiding clients for many years. Ruth recently decided to go public and share her knowledge and experience through her website http://www.relazine.com. You can sign up for her free newsletter and join her coaching program.

Lies Abused Women Tell Themselves

There are, apparently, two kinds of abused women; those who grow up in a climate of abuse, and those who grow up in functional families, enjoy a healthy relationship but then become vulnerable either through bereavement or another major life crisis.

Of the many, many women who have spoken or written to me over the years, offhand, I can only think of two who belong to the second category.

However different their past experiences of relationships may have been, nevertheless, in the course of their abusive relationship, the beliefs of these two groups of women become, tragically, indistinguishable.

This happens because abused women try very hard to learn from their relationships. They are desperate to learn what they are doing wrong so they can change it.

There are, essentially, two ways that they learn. The first is from what their partner says. The second is from their interpretation of his behaviour.

An abusive partner rapidly becomes the most influential person in their life.

He has the power to take them to dizzy heights of happiness (although the statistical odds of this happening decrease markedly the longer the relationship limps on).

He has the power to plunge them into the depths of despair, and usually does. When he does, his partner needs to explain what has happened to herself. She has been consistently programmed to believe that he is a precious diamond (albeit a diamond in the rough). Therefore the problems in the relationship cannot really be his. That being the case, they must be hers, mustn't they?

Theoretically, there is good news here: if the responsibility for what goes wrong with the relationship lies with her, then she has only to discover what she is doing wrong to be able to change it. Then he will shed the harshness he sometimes exhibits and forever after they will live a life of unparalleled joy and delight...

(Yeah, right.)

Last night I watched the wonderful Derren Brown illustrate how susceptible human beings are to suspicion. He created a situation that encouraged 5 people, of proven intelligence, to believe that their random, meaningless acts could produce the outcome they desired.

The best of it was that these 5 resourceful individuals become so obsessed with futile behaviours, and looking for futile meanings, that they missed the solution which he had displayed, quite prominently, hidden in full view; had they only had the mindfulness to look. They didn't.

My guess is that you have probably done that in your relationship. I know I did.

So here are some of the lies that blind abused women to the reality of their relationship that is hidden in full view.

"It's all my fault". Is your partner, perhaps, a newborn baby that he can avoid all responsibility for his own behaviour? When he screams obscenities, foams at the mouth, punches holes in the wall, or worse, does he have absolutely no control? Are you really that powerful? (If so, how come you generally feel so powerless in the situation??)

"I'm being stupid". Yes, you are, but not for the reasons you think. If you can totally discount your profound feelings of unhappiness, I have to admit that is a kind of emotional stupidity. If you are unhappy around him, the message you need to hear is that being around him makes you miserable. You can be much happier without him; once you get over the belief that you need him to make you happy.

"He doesn't mean it/ doesn't want to hurt me". Maybe, just maybe, if he had only ever said the hurtful things once that might be true. But when they become a regular part of his repertoire you'd better believe that either:

a) He doesn't care what he says to exert control over you

b) He means them

"He's had a hard time". Ok, so that one may be true. Thing is, so have you. And you're putting all your energies into trying to make his life sweeter. This means that you have taken the decision to create something meaningful precisely because of your past unhappiness. Sure, it will be even better when you start focusing on doing it for yourself rather than another wounded soldier. But if you are capable of making that choice, how come he isn't?

"I just know we can be happy together". Funny then, isn't it, that you are saying this at a time when you feel as low as you have ever felt in your life, and he has a lot to do with it? Given half a chance, I know, you will tell me how happy you were at the beginning. (If I had a dime for every time I've heard that story I'd be writing this from my palazzo in Venice, looking out at the gondolas gliding up and down the Grand Canal.) But here's the thing: your happiness spiel is the expurgated version. Behind it lies a less attractive tale about the things that worried you about him from the word 'go'. That is, before he set to work hypnotizing you with his silver tongued lies about knowing that you were so wonderful you could make his life perfect. (Now there is a tall order. If he isn't prepared to do it for himself, it's just not going to happen. That's an unspoken law of the universe.)

"He has so much potential". Maybe he has and maybe he hasn't. You're not his teacher, his boss or his agent. Still less are you his parent or his psychotherapist. Unless he is under the age of about 16 - and I sincerely hope he is not - realizing his potential is his responsibility. Besides, I don't really think you are talking about his potential to succeed in the world. What you are concerned with is his potential to become a great life partner. He, clearly, does not share that concern.

"I'm ruining/have ruined the best relationship I can ever expect." There are two glaring inaccuracies in this brief phrase. First, the best relationship? Yes, you may have had some other dire relationships, but you wouldn't be in a state of emotional melt-down now if this was a good relationship. You would be happy, relaxed, confident. Everything about you screams 'bad relationship' - and you know it. As for it being the best you can ever expect, that's what he has told you, isn't it? So it must be right. Because abusive men are never wrong. Ever. Are they? About anything. Sure, some present themselves very credibly to the outside world, but you know as well as I do that within the confines of their home they have a pretty skewed view about most things.

"It's not him, it's me." Well, at least the two of you agree on something; your hopelessness. It can be the basis for a relationship, as you have already discovered. It's certainly not the basis for a happy, functional one.

These are not the only lies that abused women tell themselves, but they are some of the key destructive ones. If they are lies that you have been telling yourself, the time has come to think seriously, now, about getting out. Your relationship is a sow's ear, it's never going to be a silk purse. More to the point, your partner may be a frog, but he will never be a prince.

You, on the other hand, have so many generous and loving qualities. They are what took you into this relationship in the first place. They are still with you. It's time you think seriously about getting out and lavishing some of your love on yourself. You will be amazed how rich the rewards will be.

(C) 2008 Annie Kaszina

Dr Annie Kaszina Ph D, is a coach and writer who has helped hundreds of women to regain their clear-sightedness, rebuild their confidence and their self-worth, in the aftermath of a bad relationship. Annie is the author of "The Woman You Want To Be" and "But If I Say "No" They Won't Like Me"

To find out more and sign up to Annie's free bi-monthly ezine visit http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com You can email Annie at: annie@EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com

Abusive Relationship Help - How to Stop Relationship Abuse

If you are having some problems in your relationship where your partner is abusing you, whether physically or emotionally, you may need some abusive relationship help. Nobody likes being abused and nobody should be abused by anyone for any reason.

An abusive relationship should not be continued and you would need to find ways to get out of that situation. You would need to look after your well-being and stop the pain. In a situation where you are suffering, you need to look out for your own interests first. However, you still need to decide if getting out of the relationship is the right choice for you. Some couples have gotten together for a reason and if they were to separate, things may worsen. You understand your situation better and if you know there really is no further meaning to staying with your partner, then consider leaving for your own good.

If you feel that you need someone to rely on, do look to your family and your trusted friends. Continuing in an abusive relationship can be life threatening and you would need someone who is able to better care for you. Do be wary if your partner suddenly changes attitudes when you mention anything about leaving the relationship, because it could be a way to keep you on. When it seems like you would not leave anymore, the abuse could continue again.

You deserve a better life than what you are suffering from now. If you find it a need to be with someone who can share a romantic life with you, do consider finding someone who is willing to better take care of you. It may be difficult for you to make a firm decision to leave your relationship, but you need to weigh your interests against the purpose of being in a relationship. Being the abused, your confidence might be reduced to almost nothing because of the false influence from your abuser than you deserve the worst. In order to continue making use of you and abusing you even more, your partner would do anything and everything to stop you from leaving.

If you still need more reason or motivation to stop your suffering, then think about what you really want to do in life. Do you actually want to have a supportive partner who will encourage you in your sporting activities? Do you want to set up your own company with a partner who you intend to become your lover? Or do you just want to live a simple, peaceful life as a loving wife? Being in an abusive relationship makes you merely a sandbag for your partner to punch and kick. Unlike a sandbag, though, you can feel the pain and suffer permanent damages that cannot be healed with extra sand and more cloth stitched on.

You are a human being, and slavery is not legal in the world in modern society. You need to fight for your rights. It would be easy to just look to one side as your partner brings the cane down, but the pain will still be felt. You may feel that things are not as simple as breaking up, but are you able to stay on and endure such abuse for the rest of your life?

Next, learn more on Fixing a Broken Relationship and see what you can do to improve the conditions of your relationship.

If you find the tips on "Abusive Relationship Help" is useful, learn more from HowToGetBack.com if you have any questions about relationships that you need to find out.

Five Ways to Tell If You Are in an Abusive Relationship - It's Not Just Physical

How can you tell if you are in an abusive relationship? Sometimes it is not that obvious to you as you are sucked in and too close to the problem. Perhaps you see what the problem is and believe you can help or fix your partner. An abusive relationship does not have to be physically violent.

5 tips to tell if you are in an abusive relationship

o Your partner often verbally puts you down in front of others

o You partners actions contradict what they are saying

o Your partner tries hard to make you dependent on them

o You often change things about yourself to please your partner

o Your partner is controlling, they show up at places to check on you, read your mail or texts

An abusive relationship has a cycle:

o The honeymoon period

o An issue or argument

o Reconciliation

After each reconciliation there is another honeymoon period and the cycle begins again. Once you realise you are in an abusive relationship the cycle has happened several times and it can be difficult to get out.

Why would anyone want to spend time and stay with someone who abusive like this? Sometimes they do not realise that the relationship is abusive, that these actions are normal. Often they do not realise they have choices and can take action.

Many people who find themselves in an abusive relationship have grown up in a home that has had similar actions; they may believe that this kind of relationship is normal.

Others stay in abusive relationships because they believe they do not deserve anything better, that they do not deserve to be happy in life. This low self esteem is exacerbated by the abusive relationship making it even hard to get out.

Yet others believe they can help the abusive partner or want to try and take care of them.

But there are choices and you can get out of an abusive relationship. Once you realise that you can get out you have a better chance of changing the status quo.

The good news is that it is possible to redefine the relationship boundaries with some people to form a new healthier relationship. Sometimes it means making some space, sometimes counselling will help but as long as both partners are willing to make the change it is possible to go on to creating a healthy relationship.

The first step is to decide that you need the relationship to improve and if it does not then you will walk away. If you are not prepared to walk you will never be able to change the boundaries of the relationship.

Once you have made that decision then tell your partner. Don't nag or moan but be honest and open. Tell them you need their help or love and let them know you are prepared to leave if you do not get what you need.

A good relationship is a two way street, it has to work both ways to be healthy and happy. A healthy relationship is built on trust and communication. An abusive relationship is all one way and leads to unhappiness and resentment.

Only you have the power to change your relationship, it's a big step but ultimately well worth it.

Great relationships take work, for the best relationship advice, from getting your ex back to keeping your partner happy, visit my blog wantmyexbacknow.info/blog Are you struggling to get to grips with your emotions following a relationship break up? Download my new free report "The Five Stages of Grief - Rebuilding After a Relationship Break Up" at wantmyexbacknow.info

Abusive Relationship - Subtle Communication Patterns of Abusive Relationships

People ask me what kind of domestic abuse assessment screen helps someone who is abused to see the light. In providing assessments for thousands of people, I'm convinced that a tool which reveals the subtle communication patterns of abusive relationships helps someone being abused to awaken to their circumstances. Further, identifying these subtle-and often unconscious-interaction patterns helps the abused partner recognize what keeps the abuse dynamic going and, from here, what stops it.

Many people say they know they are in an abusive relationship, but don't understand what maintains it. If that has been your experience, look at the subtle communication patterns of abusive relationships and you will gain insight into the mechanism that sustains this dynamic. Seeing this will give you what you need to stop the cycle and will insure your not engaging in another abusive relationship.

A Closer Look at the Subtle

For example, look at the interaction pattern and internal dialogue surrounding the subtle communication pattern of "when 'no' means maybe." When you feel your answers, from the core of your being, to domestic abuse screening questions addressing this communication pattern, you see the subtleties of the abuse dynamic unfold.

It's both subtle and significant. If s/he hears my "no" as a maybe and as a challenge to convert into a "yes," we see a lack of honoring the preferences of the partner saying "no" and an obsessive compulsion to control the outcome of the exchange.

Further, if I'm aware that my "no" sounds like "maybe," then I am cognizant of my hesitation in not fulfilling his/her request. As I look closer at that, I feel the basis for this hesitation. I see and feel the internal dialogue that supports the domestic abuse dynamic.

Your Personal Inquiry

Now we could go on from here; however if you're thinking of taking such a test, it would be best for your discovery to come from within. That will be more meaningful and more likely to move you forward, as you will resonate with it from your own personal experience.

Without that inward inquiry, the description could sound like a lot of psycho-babble. Trust me, it's not. Domestic abuse is quite real and is easiest to acknowledge, and to abort, in its most subtle manifestations.

Bottom line? Recognize the subtle communication patterns of abusive relationships and learn to abort them before they spiral out of control. If you'd like help with this, I invite you to visit www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com. Dr. Jeanne King helps individuals, families and healthcare professionals to recognize and end domestic abuse.

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. -- Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention

? 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com